HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 26, 2007

Yummy Queries Answered, Youtube Videos, Tropical Marine Fishes ...

IN RESPONSE TO YOUR QUESTIONS, the dinner of yumminess devoured on Saturday night was four (fried) Bird's Eye Vegetable Fingers (fried in Sainsbury's own brand marge (next thing up from Value range), in wholemeal pitta breads from the Turkish corner shop with a dash of Sainsbury's own tomato ketchup. Mmmm!! Really yummie!!

My correspondent Slaghammer posted up a wonderful Youtube video: Male Restroom Etiquette. As well as Male Restroom Etiquette: A Response, there's a Female Restroom Etiquette for your entertainment as well as lovely old Spiders on Drugs. So have an entertaining time regarding these links. And all credit to Slaghammer. Who has one of the most entertaining commentary images I've ever seen. I hope y'all have immense fun regarding these viddiclips..!!..

I could not get to a computer yesterday, hence nothing said. Yesterday was a pretty "straight" day; ie no drugs. Having lost a bottle of methadone I thought I was going to be feeling rather unwell. Don't get me wrong, I HAD taken some, but really felt I could do with quite a lot more. So when eventually I did find the mislaid hundred milligrams bottle -- man I was disco-dancing into the evening!!

There's little sensible to say now. I'm still reading my Dostoyevsky (Crime and Punishment, the English translation). Saw some wonderful David Attenborough nature films on Mother Hubbard's television yesterday. Life on Earth: what a blast from the past that one was. I remember watching when that first came out and thinking how amazing it all was, the shots they'd got. And I was only something like ten back then ..! Later on last night they showed Meercat Manor (they love Meercats at the BBC: I do find their contrived names: Bluebell, Shakespeare, Parsley rather idiotic but that's naturalists for you, there you go.) Later still it was coastal waters of the Indian meets Atlantic Oceans on the blunt tip of South Africa. If you're going on a beach holiday be sure to pick the Right Hand Side (ie the East side) of the Cape/whatever it's called because on that side the water's warm as a bath. On the other side, I'm reliably informed, you can barely stick your toe into it. But it's lovely for great white sharks! The Indian Ocean warm current mixed vividly with the Atlantic cold on thermal sattelite image: creating a wonderful glow. And myriads of tropical reef fish swirled and gleddered about the teeming waters. It looked lovely. Hammerhead sharks came out to eat them. And sardines appeared too. They were probably looking for a tin. Don't they like use discarded tins and matchboxes as their fishy bedroom..?

Well I'm rabbitting now and shall have to go.

O I forgot to tell the news of my madhouse: Laundretta was all set to have an operation today but pulled out at the last moment. Having had a special meeting with the anaesthetist and told him about her methadone dose, alcohol drinking and heroin smoking, she was told to cut down on all of these as much as possible. And of course in trying to do so stressed herself so incredibly much, poor girl, that she ended up on a drunken bender all weekend. Now she's too paranoid to come in incase the anaesthesia won't work properly because of her enormous tolerance to opiates (and alcohol shows a crosstolerance to benzodiazepines and barbiturates, I think. All of which drug families are employed in the general anaesthesia cocktails modern hospitals use.) So I don't blame her reluctance to go under not knowing if she truly will go under. I mean, what could be worse than waking up under the scalpel as many people have done, especially with the modern methods of light anaesthesia... She tells me she's going to arrange a proper and full alcohol detox before next time. I hope this is true and not just a fob-off. She doesn't need to fob off me. But I don't want her to fob off herself. Her life is one hell of a mess. She seems always to have surrounded herself with bad men ... I do feel sorry for her sometimes.

All the best now and take care, y'all!!

Gledsxx

8 comments:

aroengbinang said...

hmmm, i was just wondering how wonderful life could, is and can be.

it's sometime a matter of how we see things and the ability to live peacefully with or without something that make life better or worse, be it power, sex, money, drugs, gambling or drinks.

may peace in our heart, mind and soul.

RUTH said...

Poor Laundretta...she must be worried. I saw the Meer Cats too incredible creatures.
Rx

Anonymous said...

Got your comment. Praying for you. God says if you seek Him, you will find Him. There are real Christians out there who care.

ggirl said...

Dostoyevsky is one of my favorite writers. It's been a long time, though, since I read The Idiot.

I used to watch the Meerkats, but life in the wild is way too harsh for me. I kept wanting to go find them and rescue them.

Gledwood said...

I know. Don't they look cute the way they stand on their back legs reprimanding each other?

Gledwood said...

Especially when they find a puff adder and all cluster round reprimanding that!!

I saw one get bitten by a puff adder and it SURVIVED. I could not BELIVE that!! Honestly. SURVIVED a bite that could easily have killed a grown man!! I mean, what are these little critters MADE of??

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood