HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

What a Nonday Saturday

YES. A DRAB & EMPTY DAY. Every time my fone rang with people tormenting me I sank deeper under the covers. Had to go out, absolutely had to, this afternoon. So got it over and done with and got immediately back to bed & back to my coma.

I am depressed & empty & lacking of everything. I don't feel well. The world is horrible & cold & dull. The only thing to make me "laugh" in the last 24 hours was my awakening at circa 4:50am with a mouse attempting a stealthy escape job from sleeve via the neck of my hoodie. Ha! Your claws are too sharp, Mousey. You're busted!!! --& the Mouse was very angry indeed. When I threw him back in the tank his nest kept flying repeatedly up in the air. I don't know what game he might have been playing except "burrow under the toilet tubes, through the glass to a Sesame Street of freedom" ... well, I don't know.

It is dark and late and all snow has gone. I've no veins playing ball 2nite so the "gear" had to go in my arse. (Intramuscularly - IM.) A highly perceptive (yet debatable) BBC documentary went out a couple of days ago -- and I meant to post about it then. "Should diamorphine (pharmaceutical heroin) be prescribed by the British State?" To me this story is a wind up. Do it or don't do it. A painfully small number of addicts are given injectable, prescribed heroin. They say this costs the State £10,000 a year. Surely this is not just the cost of the diamorphine. I know for a fact that poppy-farmers, if they're willing to have their crops surrounded by electric fences/etc and supply the pharmaceuticals industry get approximately one third of the price the Taliban would pay them. Well, that is what they moan to journalists from the BBC ...

Click this link and you should get into BBC "listen again": the programme name is The Investigation; you can then get the entire show played in real time (not a podcast) via your computer. If you want to hear it, don't delay. I'm not sure it'll be available past next Wednesday.

Take care folks. I'm off to shove my head back under the duvet...

PS Was Anna Nicole Smith taking x or y? Postmortem inconclusive. Okay, maybe she was not on heroin. But the lady was an addict. Of that I am sure ...


Rose Connors said...

Glad you found my blog. Your writing style is quite descriptive and entertaining. I wish you the best.

gledwood said...

Thanks Rose!

RUTH said...

Oh dear seems half of blog world is down with something or another....hope tomorrow is a better day

Dan said...

Dude! Get your ass out of bed and things will begin happening. Good things, bad things, but things. Better than lying in bed. That sucks. Unless you're lying next to a loved one.

IVY said...

Why you feeling bad? You wouldn't if you were my roomate. Move to Seattle and live with me. But send me a picture first so I am sure you are a guy. If you are a girl you can live with me too.

Sarah said...

sorry you are feeling blah! Get outside if you can, even for a few minutes. It helps. I swear if I didn't force myself to get outside somedays, I would stay in the house forever. (well maybe not as my little one's need to get out too)

Hey my sis said there is a drug she is using at the clinic she works at for the heroin addicts for getting off and they are reporting that it's really good and she's seen good result. Stupidly I have now forgotten the name. I think she said it's new?

Feel Better!

Nicole said...

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. My comment in regards to prescribing addicts with their drug is that it should be done. I've seen in work first hand. It costs the state less to hand out the drugs than it does to care for addicts who get sick, who have to steal, who need medical attention due to bad low-quality drugs. It also works because the addict doesn't have the stress of trying to find the next hit. They can become more functioning people and take much better care of themselves. They don't have to use crime as a way to get drugs, they don't have to prostitute themselves, there are less break-ins and robberies and less victims of. Not only that, but the addicts have a safe and clean environment where they can inject and in Frankfurt (for example) the centre comes with counselors and medical staff in case they are needed. The list goes on.

Evil Spock said...

I tell ya, sometimes being in bed is the best thing in the world. Relish it and get out on your own time.

I didn't get out of bed until almost noon yesterday, and I had the best day!

Deb said...

a nudge gled....we miss you when you hibernate. today's a new day (or some bs like that)

junky said...

sesame street of freedom, that is classic.

Ma always said get up out of the bed and make it, so you don't lay back down. This generally causes me to nap on the couch, but you get the idea.

Keshi said...

I hope Monday is treating u better? :)

Anna Nicole Smith...poor gal. She was a tragedy waiting to happen.


Gledwood said...

Thanks for all the messages of sympathy!! I didn't see them till just now ie Monday afternoon. O wow people care I am touched ... don't know what else to say except thanks again ...


illZ wonG said...

you meAn you are addicTed to heroin or somethinG? plzZ....i hoPe you can get rid of thAt crAve soon and foreveR.....ok? yeZ, sometimez i dont feeL welL mentAlly buT thAt'z juZ temporAry slumPz......the rollercoAster ridez higH agAin noW...thougH nothinG stAyz higH foreveR...you tAke cAre too frieNd! ;)

angel said...

i always thought drugs should be legalized. you cannot hide the sun with a finger. spend the money on solutions, help, assistance, counceling... rather.


Anonymous said...

"A painfully small number of addicts are given injectable, prescribed heroin. They say this costs the State £10,000 a year."

Jeffrey Archer (the parasite) spends more than this yearly on his bar bill in the House of Commons....

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood