HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Okay Sunday; Roll On Monday..!

THE DAY HAS GONE THANKFULLY QUICKLY AND PAINLESSLY. CANNOT LIE: DRUGS HELPED. However, having said that, I woke up with methadone finally holding me - ie not freezing cold, not checking clock for mad 9am dash to pharmacy, not sweating all morning like a tropical amphibian. Have been watching things like Friends on telly. Channel 4 must have bought the rights to endless repeats over several years because they're certainly milking their money's worth out of that series. I love Friends though. It is my favourite sitcom by far. Absolutely Fabulous and Porridge are two others. But Friends is best. Also unlike Brit series, they make 24 episodes a year. Absolutely Fab came in about 3 or 4 series of 6 each ... I mean ..! Hardly a commercial decision. And the BBC has become increasingly commercialized in recent years.

Had Sunday lunch at Mother Hubb's house. Our crazy schizophrenic friend was there. Telling me he believed the entire London tube network had been built above ground and carefully sunk, among other remarkable things. He wants to be a heavyweight boxer of Mike Tyson magnitude, but the psychiatrists won't lower his compulsory meds enough for him to say he can train ...

We watched lots of television all afternoon. David Attenborough presenting the Life of Birds. I liked the one that gathered a massive beetle wingcase collection and laid the entire lot out lined up and sparkly side up to attract a mate. I like a bird like that. Most of the other birds in the mating prog just resorted to a good oldfashioned fight to stave off their rivals!!

It is not even seven pm but feels much later. I was going to continue my opinions on drugs treatments etc, but all that will have to wait till tomorrow as I don't have much time at this computer.

Okay, take care everyone!!

Gledsxx

20 comments:

Deb said...

Hey gleds...glad you're feeling a bit better. Although I rarely watch TV, Friends is definitely a favorite here too. My daughter got me watching it. Another one that I used to sneer at was Reba, but it's actually quite funny. I'm not big on sitcoms, but those two I'll watch.

The wingcase display sounds impressive...wish guys did that. Most of the techniques are pretty lame.

Have a great evening my friend.

gledwood said...

You too Deb!

Nicole said...

Who is Mother Hubbard? Where do you use a computer from? What did you have for lunch?

My favourite sitcom of all time is Seinfeld. And I LOVE documentaries (so long as they're not about history or war).

Pining said...

Hi Gledwood :-) I finally found your blog because the other one I can't get thru.. anyway, I've been reading your post and can't help but feel a bit sad about what you're going through. I haven't had any addiction (aside from being a chocoholic) so you might say I can't really know how you are feeling. I just hope that you take care of yourself-- you're a good writer and this talent will help you battle with your addiction
PS.. have you any idea what happened to Holly Blueeyes?

Kansas Bob said...

I don't do Friends but I am a not-so-recovering-seinfeldaholic :)

Proxima said...

You sound like an odd bird yourself, but I too like the sound of the one with the beetle shells.

I saw your comment on the Frumpy Professor. That man has been in the slumps for months now, I've resorted to verbal "bitch slaps" and everything and he still won't pull out of it. Only so much we can from here.

Heroin doesn't get mentioned much in the U.S. Crack and Meth are more popular. I haven't seen my brother in nine years. Not even sure he knows I'm married. He only writes when he's been in jail for a month. Meth is his demon.

I saw him once in an alley and he ran. Didn't want his little sister to see him, because he wants to pretend I'm still eight years old and innocent.

Never been much into TV, but I was addicted to "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". I would even read the satellite feed at 3am, since I'm in Pacific standard time, were the last ones to get the broadcast.

Nice to meet you, Take care of yourself!
-P

Mousie said...

hello my friend, glad to see you feel better...I do agree about languages, it's a pity we don't all talk the same, it would be so easier on earth...I finished hibernating so come back soon!!!
love from Mousie

Mousie said...

Gledwood dear, I can't find your poems? lost the blog url...please give it again...
thank you
Mousie

gledwood said...

I'm putting the poems on their own properl blogspot. blog so I'll give that one out once it properly is working.

Mousie- re languages yes despite what people say (the cultural identity is lost when language is lost, charm goes, the nation loses its flavour etc... despite all this I strongly believe the present Tower of Babel situation is a curse and that all humankind would be far better off if only we had one language and one speech and all could understand each other.

Think about it: how many marital fights stem from/or are basically about misunderstandings?? How many times in arguments have you heard sone party objecting not even to what the other says but the WORDING they are applying to the other person?? Don't put words in my mouth or how seriously I OBJECT to your use of that specific WORD. Words are the source of many of our battles, I believe one language for all would mark an enormous step towards world peace...

English does the job fairly well. (Though I don't get how foreigners ever get a handle on our nonphonetic spelling ...) Spanish & Chinese are equally well qualified for the job ...

Okay I've gotta go it's midmorning and I've got a friend turning up for me by car & have no idea what this guy is actually DOING...

L8R, y'all

Gleds

RUTH said...

Hi GW I didn't start watching Friends until recently when they repeated them all on Freeview TV. Soon got hooked. If you get a chance can you pop over to my Milion Stories blog and leave a comment. If I get 100 comments it will raise £50 for a cancer charity.....a cause close to my heart as you can imagine.
Ta & stay safe
Rx
P.S. maybe some of your blog visitors could pop over too?

chipper said...

There is one British sitcom that I love, but whose name I can't recall ... it's about a young couple who live with the wife's parents, and the plot often involves some sort of misunderstanding that gets out of hand -- can you tell me the name of that sitcom?

I like Friends too, but if I had to choose I'd say I am more of a Seinfeld fan.

Gledwood said...

Chipper: was there a blond-haired guy playing the boyfriend. He was "living in sin" with the girlf??

Let me think about that one.

Ruth yes I'm coming right over..

RUTH said...

Cheers Gleds; a great comment you left. How I agree with you on all points. Thanks for the offer to keep commenting....did think about it myself!....but would defeat the fun aspect of the whole thing. Except for my comment to Rose's Dad I'm refraining from commenting on it myself.
Re; the poems....glad to read on your comment to mousie that work is underway.
Rxx

Women on the Verge said...

Glad you're doing better today...

I remember watching those David Attenborough shows when I was younger... loved 'em.
Now I'm lucky if I get to see House every week ( and my Project Runway when the new season starts... shh though...)

Re: Frumpy Professor... I'm worried about him... I just hope he has someone who he can reach out to for help.

E

Gledwood said...

Ruth I'm putting a shout out on today's posting, soon as I GET ROUND TO ACTUALLY POSTING IT ... to make everyone reply. It will have a link to you.

(to anyone reading this, the url to go to to give the comment is:
http://ruth-boofie.blogspot.com)

What are you waiting for??

RUTH said...

Hi Gleds; thanks for the idea of posing a question for the Cancer Campaign but I'm hoping that word of mouth, a friend of a friend....sorta like Chinese Whispers will get the comments in; a few of the commenters have started publicising it on their blogs and at least the time frame isn't a worry as the Britball Run isn't till August. Though of course the quicker the cash comes in the better. I don't know if you read the whole story about Rose, she was so young it breaks my heart.
Take care
Rx

gledwood said...

No I haven't read it. I have to go to that tomorrow now it's nearly midnight....

Proxima said...

First you need to sign up for a free site that hosts photos like, photobucket.com, shutterfly.com or any other similar site.

Once you have your picture save there, then you can come back to blogger, login, go to "Profile" and add the url for the picture from the other site.

Blogger didn't have to make this so difficult, but you'll notice that they have an offer to sign up with some other company to post your profile pic. So they probably get paid each time a blogger signs up with that free service they suggested.

Hope it works out for you.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood