Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): Charity Appeal

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Monday, February 19, 2007

Charity Appeal - Leave 100 Comments

THIS IS A CHARITY APPEAL on behalf of my friend Ruth. Go to her "million stories" blog which is ruth-boofie.blogspot.com and leave a comment. If she gets 100 comments then £50 goes to a Cancer charity.

Other news of today... let me rack my brains and think of something: I'm not sure that I can. I've been most weary and dozing on the floor for most of this evening. Then the computer so severely misbehaved I seriously never thought I'd get to post - hence my braindeadness (well I'm not going to wind myself up at an essentially locked-out terminal thinking up stuff to say knowing I'll be unable to post it, am I??)

Tomorrow I see the doctor to try and sort self out a bit, so wish me luck with that.

And go to Ruth's blog and jolly her along with those hundred comments. You all know you can do it so don't be shy. Come on!! £50 goes to charity and you don't even have to fork out yourself!! What could be more convenient than that??

17 comments:

RUTH said...: Cheers Gleds for this. One slight error it's 50p a comment so 100 gets us £50.....unless of course some else ups the ante......has Hugh Hefner got a blog do you reckon.....LOLRx; 19 February 2007 at 20:27
Evil Spock said...: Will do Little Chief . . .; 19 February 2007 at 20:30
Anonymous said...: If you get any machine mis-behaviours, just post a comment on my forum at http://xeboards.com/giftgas and I can help you out with it. I am fluent in all things computer, I do for many people in my area.; 19 February 2007 at 20:53
Mai Brinkmann said...: hey looks nice what you done with colers on your page....; 19 February 2007 at 21:14
Gledwood said...: My colours?? Good... that is very good. I luuurve the colour blue. I just luurve it. Some people say no wonder you get depressed but blue isn't depressing to me. Depression is abyssal black... or else a eternity in misty grey. But not blue~! Blue is too uplifting. Too overwhelming for me! Blue is where it's at..!!; 19 February 2007 at 21:54
Anonymous said...: JASON MRAZ
"Plane"

Drain the veins in my head
Clean out the reds in my eyes to get by security lines
Dear x-ray machine
Pretend you don't know me so well
I wont tell if you lied
Cry, cause the droughts been brought up
Drinkin' cause you're lookin so good in your starbucks cup
I complain for the company that I keep
The windows for sleeping rearrange
And I'm nobody
Well who's laughin now

I'm leaving your town again
And I'm over the ground that you've been spinning
And I'm up in the air so baby hell yeah
Well I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn

Damn, I should be so lucky
Even only 24 hours under your touch
You know I need you so much
I cannot wait to call you
And tell you that I landed somewhere
And hand you a square of the airport
And walk you through the maze of the map
That im gazing at
Gracefully unnamed and feeling guilty for the luck
And the look that you gave me
You make me somebody
Ain't nobody knows me
Not even me can see it, yet I bet I'm

I'm leaving your town again love
But I'm over the quilt that you've spinning
And I'm up in the air, so baby hell yeah
Oh honey I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn

You keep me high minded
You get me high

Flax seeds, well they tear me open
And supposedly you can crawl right through me
Taste these teeth please
And undress me from these sweaters better hurry
Cause I'm keeping upward bound now
Oh maybe I'll build my house in your cloud
Here I'm tumbling for you
Stumbling through the work that I have to do
Don't mean to harm you

By leaving your town again love
But I'm over the ground that you've been spinning
But I'm up in the air, said baby hell yeah
Oh honey I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn
Well I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn

Who do you
Think you are, are, are, are
To keep me so oh cold, cold
You keep me high minded
You keep me high minded

You get me high minded
You get me high...; 19 February 2007 at 22:01
Gledwood said...: That's no problem Talj; 19 February 2007 at 22:42
RUTH said...: Hey Gleds; thanks for sending the commenters over. Past the 50 now...just 50 more to go! NO you mustn't leave 50 comments yourself......you'll run out of ink!.....LOL; 19 February 2007 at 22:50
Anonymous said...: LOL... what do you mean ink. Oh that's a joke. Duh. I'm getting xhausted.... did people really come over from my blog. I'll have a look at who said hello....; 19 February 2007 at 23:00
Brittany said...: hey...thanks for commenting! I live in the los angeles area of california. And I don't think that prickly pear was ripe enough, it didn't taste like a "delicacy" to me. I have no idea what picture you were talking about, as to those pictures change randomly.

I have always wanted to go to london, i have a couple friends that live there, i'll continue to read your blog to keep me posted on london life!; 19 February 2007 at 23:11
cielitoslindos said...: It’s ok Gleds , but all the merit goes to songwriter Jason Mraz! Do what you want with it but don’t forget Jason :) . Good blog sir!thanks for the visit! Saludos desde España!; 20 February 2007 at 10:42
ilves@metsas.ee said...: hello!
my blog aapoilves.blogspot.com isn't finnish. we are estonians & we got own language, even few. i write in estonian & in old south estonian, like a did in 2004 in estonian eurovision entry.
be cool!; 20 February 2007 at 11:47
Anonymous said...: My mistake. But hey it is related to Finnish so I was on the right track, surely ...

This is wikipedia's introduction to Estonian:--

Estonian (eesti keel (help·info); IPA: [ˈeːs.ti ˈkeːl]) is the official language of Estonia, spoken by about 1.1 million people in Estonia and by some ten thousand in various émigré communities. It is a Finno-Ugric language and is closely related to Finnish.

One distinctive feature that has caused a great amount of interest in linguists is that Estonian has what is traditionally seen as three degrees of phoneme length: short, long, and "overlong", such that IPA /toto/, /toːto/ and /toːˑto/ are distinct, as are /toto/, /totːo/, and /totːˑo/. In actuality, the distinction isn't purely in the phoneme length, and the underlying phonological mechanism is still disputed.

Another feature that sets Estonian apart from most languages is the vowel õ ([ɤ]), a close-mid near-back unrounded vowel, which is farther back than the schwa ([ə]), but fronter than [o].; 20 February 2007 at 13:16
RUTH said...: Gledsx
We made the 100!! Loads of your visitors came across! You may want to amend this post now; as much as I would LOVE visitors from your blog I'd hate for them to come over on false pretences.
Rx; 20 February 2007 at 19:01
Anonymous said...: Well heck! Having breast cancer, you'd think I'd at least have the courtesy to check in here to even find out about this. Oh, that's right. I was too busy having breast cancer checkups. Take care!; 21 February 2007 at 16:50
Gledwood said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; 26 February 2007 at 13:11
Gledwood said...: Babel Fish Translation Help

In English:
Sent regards my new China says friend! This is a most interesting stand which you has a liking for has. You are because of the body? You write these Chinese characters are completely sublimate. Now you will have to visit my blog which it extremely will entertain in gledwood2.blogspot.com and you to like me immediately guaranteeing you. I extremely looked from now on to will see your there. All best present. Gledwood. PS you that do not strive are did not think the traditional Chinese winner to vulgarly the edition which simplifies?; 26 February 2007 at 17:31

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!