HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Addicts ...?

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I just wrote something and did not post it. Reason being: I'm not out to offend the people I mentioned.

Well I feel like my life is going down the toilet yet again. I am drunk & maudlin. I am waiting on someone who will "save" me from this situation. A two-stage save. 1. make money. 2. score. Actually 3-stage. Stage 3 is get a vein & make my day.

My veins have nearly ALL GONE.

I do not want to plunge a heavily acidified brown heroin mixture into the crook of my thighs. To do this you have to use a long orange needle (possibly the 1ml integral insulin 1ml "works" will do it but this is a debatable fact) but if not the massive blue horse needle--you plunge this not at a 45 degree angle as normally when injecting. You plunge it straight down right to the hilt. Right where a vein, a HUGE artery (that you do not want to inject into: you could lose your foot. EASILY) and the SCIATIC NERVE all run in close proximity. As I did mention before: doing this you can so easily & readily get DVT= deep vein thrombosis... I can't think of anyone who's done it for more than a few years and not had problems.

Cases in point.

1. When you inject into the "groin"/femoral vein as above desribed you go straight down. This feels gory & horrible. The acid itches your vein. You can often feel it tracking up towards your heart. Obviously I am used to this. But the implications do not escape me. (Not from going in the groin but in other veins.) THE ACID IS DISSOLVING THE VEIN.

2. Even if you don't get DVT eventually, from hitting the same/similar spots over&over&over a "sinus" develops. This is what they call on the street a "bullet hole" or an "eye". Ie. literally a hole big enough to put your little finger into going straight from surface flesh to vein. Eventually the vein & artery can become linked. In this case ... well read what I said about arterial injecting.

I know several people with one "bullet hole" each side. I met one in rehab who had three each side. That's what "habit" does to the body.

Incidentally if anyone reading this is/is thinking of/not initiated into but wants to inject ... YOU NEVER EVER INJECT INTO AN ARTERY. You can LOOSE FINGERS/TOES. if THIS HAPPENS take rings off asap. OR YOU WILL LOSE YOUR FINGERS. Ring ambulance asap. Why am I giving this advice. Will anyone listen . I think not.

3. Now I have parroted this myself... The supposed fact that addicts never grow up from the time they become an addict....

On the one hand. Yes this is true. I have seen for myself. Heroin addicts are hopelessly childish. Those that aren't childish INVARIABLY took up using later in life. Heroin is about escaping suffering. That is why addicts suffer even more than normal people. It's the law of diminishing returns. The law of natural inversion.

On the other hand... NA call ALL ADDICTS THE SAME. By that standard anyone addicted to tobacco is the same as a heroin addict. Are tobacco smokers hopelessly immature? I think not. So I don't know what to make of this point. But I felt the need to bring it up.

Okay I'm going again. I can't stand too much of this.

27 comments:

junky said...

Your at a dangerous crossroads my friend, you don't want to anymore but ya are thinking of hitting your femoral, go easy I know no one can make up your mind for you.
Know that if I were there I would keep you busy.
So if you need me I am here.

Fer..... said...

Acabo de ver que dejaste un mensaje en mi blog, y no, no fui yo el que dejo mensajes en el tuyo, y no recuerdo haber visto mas mensajes tuyos, chilo tu espacio, y Mexico esta en Norteamerica

Ladybird said...

You were right that your blog is a little different than mine. To tell u the truth, I was slightly shocked. It is interesting however, although a bit too "strong" for me. Take care. C u around, friend.

Nicole said...

I would like to see you get help and quit. I think you have far too good a mind to waste. What would you need to get clean? Are there clinics? Do they charge a lot of money? Where is your family? I know that heroin takes the pain away, but from what I can tell reading, is that it makes you feel far worse for a lot more of the time. Surely that can't be worth it.

Deb said...

gled...i'm sorry you're living this hell you're in. of course I can do nothing for you from here except send my love, but it just seems like if anyone can make it, you can. don't give up on yourself. you're too good to waste (i'll keep telling you that). other than that, it's up to you...there are places that can help. good ones are few and far between but just keep trying until you get something that "fits" for you. putting it all out here is a good thing. and I'm with junky on this one - I'm here.

Women on the Verge said...

Gledwood--

I've been reading your blogs for awhile now and I think you've got an incredible and beautiful mind. I can't begin to tell you I understand, I've never battled a physical addiction. I can tell you though, that there are a lot of people who care very much about you, and about what happens to you. Use the strentgth of that knowledge to find the help you need... the world needs Gledwood.

E

Dan said...

Man, this is some spooky stuff.

Anonymous said...

LIKE SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS HAVE SAID , ITS TIME TO KNOCK OFF THE CRAP , GET TOUGH , PUT THE SPOON DOWN AND STOP THE SELF PITY (ALL SAID FROM FIRST HAND EXPER) . LIKE YOUR FRIENDS HAVE ALSO SAID , YOUR MIND AND WRITTINGS ARE A WONDERFUL THING ! SAVE THEM ATLEAST ! YOUR GIVING UP A BUZZ , NOTHING ELSE . JAMIE

RUTH said...

A good point you've made here GW. I'm hopelessly addicted to tobacco (sure there's a song there...LOL) and could not envisage being able to give up! I don't comment much on your own addiction as I know so little about "drugs" that it would not be right for me to thrust my views upon you. I read your blog for a number of reasons; primarily because you seem a nice guy but also because I hope that by reading it I will be more able to be helpful and understanding should someone close to me become an addict(with 9 grandchildren to date one never knows). I do worry that you are doing yourself serious damage and fear that your addiction is causing you to waste the incredible talents that I see you have by your writing, turn of phrase and poetry (more please!!!)
Stay safe
Rx

Gledwood said...

Nicole I've tried 2 clinics in one year and ran out of both within a few days. So I'm not going in again unless I'm quite sure I agree with their regime etc. Every time I've gone into places like that I've cracked up within 24 hours & ended up on antidepressants & spending all my time in their counselling rooms ... know what I mean??

Gledwood said...

Ruth: thanks. If your grandchildren ever go on hard drugs do them a favour. Hit them over the head with a large frying pan. You will cause less damage than the drugs in the long run!!

Gledwood said...

Yes & to Debs/WoTV everyone thanks. I know I should do something with my mind. I know...

Wayward Son said...

I would debate you regarding the supposed maturity of smokers. Nicotine is supposedly more addictive than heroin. I am a smoker and fast regaining my bent for cigarettes now that I have forgone the needle.

I also would debate the NA view that all addicts are alike. There are shared experiences that most addicts can identify with but even injecting toxins into one's veins cannot obliterate one's unique and special presence in this world. The alikeness is only found in groups sharing a common goal whether it be to get high or get clean. The commonality ends there.

It seems you are fast approaching, if not having already arrived at, a point of quitting or not quitting with the question of living or dying informing your choice of direction. There is a benefit to going on—to living—is all I can offer. One has only to read your blog to know this applies to you, possibly more than most. Your boundless quest for knowing your fellow man (and woman) is evident in the prolific blog roll you are amassing and the affection you command from the captured hearts of all who offer comments and pledge their fierce support. The list seems unending. The ongoing comments collectively, at times, rival in length the postings they are in response to. It is amazing to see and a joy to be part of. Please consider us and the joy you provide as you fight your fight. Know you are not ever alone and that all who cross your path appreciate the special gifts of the individual called Gleds.

WS

gledwood said...

Yeah I disagree with NA's "fact" they will instill into your head that once an addict you're an addict for life and thus permanently on a knife edge. And that if you so much as take a nip of brandy or pop a sleeping pill you've "relapsed" and (to the minds of many junkies and not, admittedly NA themselves) you "may as well go straight back on the heroin and crack".

I would be prepared to do NA for a year or 2 if it kept me clean. But I have some serious disagreements with their way of thinking.

YOU, Mr Wayward Son, by the way have done FANTASTICALLY WELL staying clean all that time. WELL DONE. You've done FAR BETTER THAN I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE!!!

Gleds

chipper said...

I too would disagree that all addicts are alike, all addictions alike. There is just too much diversity of many types involved -- all sorts of people, reasons for using, etc. And people can grow somewhat when in their addiction. Although I might make an exception for crack -- that stuff totally takes over.

Nicole said...

Gled, I'm very interested in this... particularly as what it is that addicts find the most difficult to overcome when giving up. My friend in Frankfurt has also been to various clinics but those failed. I don't think their programmes are personal enough and no two people are alike. It's also very tough for others to understand and I think it's tough for those who haven't been addicted to judge a situation.

So what for example made you crack up at the clinic? Was it physical pain that gets to you or something mental? Are you afraid of something or is it too overwhelming? This is what interests me the most, breaking it down to certain points.

I am wondering if anyone will ever make a clinic where there will be 24-hour help for someone trying to quit and pre-counseling to prepare for everything that may happen. I don't think there is enough preparation and assessing of the addicts individual needs and triggers.

I think a lot of addicts are afraid of living a "normal" life again and there isn't enough suppport for them afterwards. They also have a tough time mentally and being responsible for their own actions.

By the way, my dinner tasted excellent. One thing I regret about heroin is that addicts lose their apetite and don't eat very well. They become malnutritioned and it's difficult to get them to eat healthy food.

CK said...

Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine. The needle never lies.

I lost a former friend (JP) last year (former, because a junkie is really no one's friend). Someone who I grew up with, looked up to in my youth, had a lot of initiative, shot dope with, went the way of China White, who then lived in and out of prisons for the better part of 22 years. I got a late night call from him 20 days before he died of complications of Hepatitis C, and it was the scariest phone call from the almost-dead I've ever picked up (he was out of sight for two decades). My generation, once so young and careless, now in their 50's, pushed this envelope many years ago and most did not make it through, either directly from 'Nam or the chains that desperate period wrapped around many of us. A few of us got clean and lived, but I can't tell you how many funerals I have attended in the last few years, nor the absolute helplessness at the losses. I hope you can get down to your most desperate core and break this, but I won't say it is easy. I hate the fucking shit and what it does.

grumpygit said...

Dude, you worry me. Hang in there - I wish there was something I could do to help.

IVY said...

Wow I cant believe you left a comment at my old best friends comic site. It's not a big deal I just would feel sad if she looks at my new blog. It's private and I mean to keep it that way. I put up her link because I'm sure she wants people to see her art but... I dont think she wants to see what i've written and I dont like being discovered it could lead to me having to shut my whole blog down especially if she checks to see who you are and than finds my blog through you ect. Okay anyway I know you wanted to attract her to the comment fundraiser. Anyway... Later

IVY said...

dont be too hard on yourself and dont fallfor too much of those guilt creeds. but please... your veins

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

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Gledwood said...

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Gledwood said...

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All best present.

Gledwood

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood