HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 05, 2007

Sundry Monday

WHY I have been getting blogger's block lately (not knowing quite what to post) I have no idea ... & I know that once I've pressed "publish" all ten things I've forgotten to say will jump up and accost me ... oh well.

Reading through yesterday's comments, someone remarked on the hyperlink advice I gratefully received. Maybe you didn't notice I've failed so far to actually put this into action. When I was told about "the sideways paperclip" ... I thought to myself, ah! I know that! ... now I can't find it! Can anyone tell me where it is.

Secondly, can anybody explain to me precisely what on earth a cougar is? Yes I know it's a mountain puma. But when tkkerouak declares she is "going out drinking with my cougar friends"... what is this meant to mean? I asked her & she didn't tell me; I asked Mother Hubbard and Rebsie yesterday (both of whom read loads of books):- both informed me it is a mountain puma from North America. I said yes but what is somebody's "cougar freinds"?

That means lesbians and feminists, I was (unreliably) informed ...

Can anyone cast some more meaningful light upon this topic? I'm now feeling thoroughly confused.

What other news? Well I spent a lot of yesterday and last night feeling slightly ill and horrible, suffering with borderline-withdrawal diarrhoea, sneezing, cold-type symptoms, runny nose, etc. Had a miniscule shot of gear which just about sorted me out atop the methadone dose I was relying on to "hold" me till 9am this morning ...

Then I call the dealer. He takes 90 minutes when he says he'll be 20. Had gear. Vein thankfully behaved. Then I find an entire cooked up hit in the "works", which has been lying there all weekend, whispering "take me, take me". But not loud enought to hear. Of course when I found it I was no longer sick and so not angry. But in retrospect it is faintly irritating, considering how many times I woke up last night and how horrible I felt and how many hours the slow-slow countdown seemingly always had to go ...

Well that's over & done with now. Just wait till same time next week & history has a peculiar way of repeating itself ...
Right: I'm off for a McDonald's £1.19 Double Cheeseburger. See yers later ...

Gledsxx

24 comments:

RUTH said...

When you're writing your post; at the top of the grey frame surrounding what you are writing, it's just to the right of the T and the little coloured squares.
Hope you find it ok...if you haven't got one complain to Blogger.
Could murder a quarter pounder and cheese at the moment!
Enjoy
Rx

Gledwood said...

Strange you say that, I dumped the 1.19 double cheeseburger idea and went for a 1.99 quarterpounder with ....

April said...

i think a cougar is an 'older woman' who is still, um...'on the prowl', sort of speak.
fun reading..cheers.

Gledwood said...

Thanks for that APRIL. BTW WHY can't I get access to your profile? Is it pornographic or something? This has happened 2me before. You've obviously pressed the wrong button when you were setting up. Come on April because I can't get back into your blog otherwise ...

RUTH said...

GW....just read your comment on the crockpot recipe site....when did I become an old age pensioner!!!!!!! Admittedly I was a grandmother at 38 (only 4? years older than you now)...but at the moment I am 54....
still a few years to go yet before I draw my pension
Rx...

gledwood said...

See young at heart.!!... You were probably right actually when you said you and Maqira are younger than me ... you've never seen me get up at 5am with my smoker's cough... etc, etc...

Seriously though I only assumed you were a pensioner bc you talked about grandchildren. I wouldn't have thought so otherwise ...

Have a nice day. If you're not too mortally OFFENDED...

Gledsxx

gledwood said...

Actually what crap am I talking here? I didn't think you were a pensioner -duh! See I get confused by my own stoopid jokes now...

RUTH said...

No probs GW....it's been giving me quite a laugh!!! Just didn't want Sean Bean thinking he's too young to be my toy boy (exactly 7 years actually; he has the same birthday date as me)
Rx

Deb said...

yes gleds...a cougar is usually a bit of a maneater. And they direct their attention to younger men.

You worry too much about the writing....anything you write seems to keep us interested because you just have a way with words. So write about your hangnail for chrisssake, we'll lap it up here. off to work now, have a great day.

Gledwood said...

... ... phewwwww ..!!.. .. !! ..

Gledwood said...

Debs do you know what you posted that probably EXACTLY as I was replying to Ruth ... how bizarre (see the times ..?)

I see what cougar means... 'on the prowl' (as in lioness) ...

here we call it sharking, but that is any age after anyONE ...!

Sandy said...

Thanks for the wonderful comments about my blog, Gledwood! I appreciate it!
And I am looking at your blog, thinking, 'Man, he wasn't kidding when he said it was different!'
I mean, I know about this stuff and I've know it's out there but I certainly haven't seen anyone blog about it firsthand. It hits you right square in the face. It's hard to read yet needs to be read to understand.
Hang in there, dude!
I wish you the best!
Sandy
http://abnormally.blogspot.com

Ron Knee's Rants and Raves said...

I thought sharking was the japanese term for sneaking up behind a girl in the street and ripping down her knickers....

Ron Knee's Rants and Raves said...

"the sideways paperclip" is when you are writing a word document and you are so stoned that you slump over the desk and rest your head on the desk........... innit? or wot?

Nicole said...

Here's a "Cougar" Wiki link:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_disparity_in_sexual_relationships

Scroll down to "slang terms". I've learned something today. Thanks.

Nicole said...

That's odd. The URL was cut off in the last post.

I'll do it in 2 parts here. You'll have to do a bit of copy and paste to glue it back together.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
Age_disparity_in_sexual_relationships

Tiffiany_45 said...

Hey, thanks for visiting Asian Drama Resource. You're right, your blog is very different, however, it is informtive. Hope you continue using ADR and I will visit your blog whenever I have the time!!!

gledwood said...

Yeah, I've put ADR on my links on a permanent basis, I love things that are different, intriguing, unique ... and QUALITY. That's why I'm so glad I found yours...

Gledwood said...

Ron Knees Rants and Raves: where are you from? ... JAPANESE TERM FOR SNEAKING UP BEHIND A GIRL IN THE STREET AND PULLING DOWN HER KNICKERS ..-!-!!!-?-!-?-??? That is truly bizarre. Bizarre more so that it evidently happens frequently enough in their country that the Japanese feel the need of A WORD FOR IT ... that is truly frightening..!!!...

Deb said...

"dododoodo dododoodo"...that's the twilight zone theme song re the 16:38. Great minds think alike?

Megs said...

Gleds-
As much as I hate to admit it, I am a self professed 'cougar'. I am not old enough to fit the classic definition of "a middle-aged (or above) woman, out on the prowl looking for young (20-35 year old) men" as I am in my thirties but I definitely likey the younger man. I tend to date guys who are 9 years or so younger than me. Embarassingly enough, I was at a high school production of 'Dead Man Walking' and was sitting there with some neighbors when one looked over and said "What did you just say?" and I realized I had murmered aloud what I was thinking "Man! Guys were just not this hot when I was in school! Yummy!"

Oops! Not that young...
Megs

Ron Knee's Rants and Raves said...

SHARKING

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sharking

He he he he!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood