HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 23, 2007

Where Did The Old Me Get To?

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT this morning. Matran wasn't hurting Laundretta yesterday btw. I wouldn't have laughed about it if that was so. She is up and about this morning. Quite sober and together: especially for her. He is being very quiet. He's a quiet guy. I woke up not thinking of drugs this morning. I'm pondering over and over more and more what am I going to do with my life these days. As I've stated before, the days are long gone when I ever wake up thinking, "What am I going to do with this day?" What will I put right? Attain? Achieve? Those days, which were a big part of my old life, have well and truly flown the nest. The way grown-up children inevitably do. But I want them back. The grown-up version of Creative me. Creative people by necessity do create. Their actions preceed them. I am not creative. O yes I am potentially so. I have the potential to be an extremely creative guy. But I'm not. I create nothing. I do nothing: except lumber lugubriously from day to dismal day. And I want out of that morass. This isn't even (merely) down to drugs. It's due to laziness and melancholy and the inexorable result of years lived never for tomorrow, always just to solve the problem of today. The drugs problem. The problem of getting enough drugs to fix up not to be sick. That has been my life. My only wonder has been that it has not lead me into far more trouble than it actually did do.

The old me decided to go to Thailand and took up learning not only to speak but to read and write Thai. Long story but I ended up in India: don't ask. Story of my life. The old me saw a job going for a clubbing correspondent in a music magazine. I was clubbing every week at the time and knew the "marketplace". What do I need for noisy nightclubs where a dictaphone will pick up more background noise than speech? I definitely need shorthand. And so I'd learnt the basics in a week and given up smoking at the same time. (I used the shorthand pad to make endless doodles every time my hands wanted to reach for cigrettes.) The twin goal-setting worked really well. Although I never got the job I did stay off cigarettes -- completely -- long enough to go all summer and through New Year's Eve not touching the dreaded tobacco. Now I'm smoking so heavily the inside of my front teeth are black. What my lungs look like I hate to consider. Though I've never been the type to jump up and down proclaiming "what I'm going to do", I did used to seize opportunities, set goals and actually (after a fashion) attain them. I don't set any goals now. I don't think about them. A couple of years into this drug addiction I stopped myself one afternoon realizing: I don't daydream anymore. I used to spend my entire life planning on what to do next. As an addict I knew what to do next. Make money. Spend it on heroin. Take heroin. Make more money. And so on. So simple I never needed to consider anything more than where the money was to be made and who I'd ring once I had it ...

Maybe this is what growing up in Britain does to you, but I remember a few years ago telling a friend that if you wanted to be successful (and why would you want that, he probably asked himself) the key was to set goals. He looked at me wide-eyed and queried: "REALLY?" This was a new concept to him. I couldn't have survived without having set goals day to day. Another thing I learnt was that life is fulfilled day by day by day. Not by lunging into things quickly and getting them over with though of course there's always a time and a place for that approach. But a little of the same thing every day mounts up. Books are written. Languages learned. Money saved. Et cetera.

I want the old me back!!

PS I suppose I have indeed created something lately: I've created this blog.


Chloe said...

Haha! SVU = Special Victims' Unit and BSG = Battlestar Galactica, both of which are my two most favourite TV programmes.

Yes, I am one of *those* people. What *those* is, I know not.

Gledwood said...

Oh! OK I was wondering what you were going on about there! That's all...!!...

Women on the Verge said...

Glad you realized that your creative spirit has given birth recently... although it may not be a book, your blog is fantastic. I think that you should look upon it as the first step on the road back. If you were truly devoid of the old you, you would never have cared enough, or planned enough to set up your blog. You'd have stayed in bed thinking about your next score. But you got out of bed and toddled over to your computer and used those brain cells for something other than thinking about heroin. Good for you!! Now quit letting your fear of failure hold you back! Stop finding reasons not to try... you've already started climbing out of your pit without even realizing you'd done so... just keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that you've got a lot of people rooting for you. As a matter of fact, when you publish your first book of poetry, I'd like a signed copy :-)

Now get to it!


Chloe said...

Haha yeah I especially love the opening sequence of BSG where they have that hub-like translucent city. The old BSG was rather funky as well -- it was really cool to see that even though they had limited technology compared to what we have now, they still managed to pull the whole thing off with finesse.

I could go on all day but I'll spare you haha.

gledwood said...

Yes but the novel is coming 1st. I want a good agent, a good editor, a good publisher who will fasttrack the book and give a huge promotional spend and lots of money in advance/royalties/foreign sales/film rights/character merchandising/etc!!

Actually I was only 1/2 kidding there. Kinda scary, huh?

And I promise to start writing poetry as well. Once the nov's come out.!..

gledwood said...

Chloe you were leaving a comment just when I was typing in mine. Check the times.)

I agree with you. What would you give to live in a floating space-city.

BTW if you're into it that much why don't you make a zillion dollars creating your own scifi books which will become a string of movies + games + TV spinoffs + internet things that don't even exist yet?? Why don't you do that. You obviously have a vivid imagination...

Women on the Verge said...

Nope, not scary at all as I'd like the same thing... so when you find the great agent and editor... would you take a card for me???


Nicole said...

You have indeed created this blog... but also you are thinking about the future more just by writing about it.

Things will only happen if you make them happen, first you have to visualise them, think of them and indeed, day-dream about them. Make thoughts that will lead to actions and you can do anything.

You can still do anything. Even the drugs have been an experience and you've learned, even from this.

ggirl said...

You seem to be able to be very honest with yourself. I think that's the first step to doing anything new. Take care.

gledwood said...

Nicole: yes you're right, I used to do all that. Make a mental blueprint then just fill it out by doing it (allowing for the fact that nothing happens as planned)... yes damn right actually.

WOTV: Yeah I will pass on those details just as soon as I actually HAVE them!!

GGIRL: I try to be honest with myself. I don't know that I succeed 100% though.

Francois et fier de l'Être said...

Je parles et lit un trop mauvais anglais aussi dois-je faire confiance aux approximations de Babelfish.
Tout d'abord, merci pour ta visite.
Mon blog n'a rien d'intellectuel, il s'agit seulement de moi et de mes jeux de mots (me and jokes).
Le votre l'est tout autant puisqu'il est le fruit de votre intellect.
Merci et courage.

Gledwood said...

Mais je nai pas utilise le babelish, seulement mon francais scolaire de l'ecole qui est si amusante pour le majorite de la population!!

Gledwood said...

Bien merde j'avais miscompri! Je pensais que vous pensez que jutilise le babelfish. Mais vous dissez que il vous faut l'utiliser pour comprendre mon anglais. Bien sur, je comprends maintenant. Je regrette l'incomprehension!

A bientot


Evil Spock said...

Isn't blogging a wonderful outlet? I hope you get through this phase of your life unscathed.

Deb said...

Hi gled, just a quick note as I'm burning up with fever and never slept a wink last night....sounds very positive here. You do have the ability to make things happen, just get the ball rolling and see where it goes. Really, in the short time I've "known" you, I know if anyone can do it, you can.

Skippy P. Radcliffe said...

Hey! It's Skippy...just thanking you for reading! I only wish I had as interesting material as you have! Anyway...to answer your question, Maryland is in the Mid-Atlantic region of the US...we're around 3-4 hours south of New York City. My college, the University of Maryland, is in the southern part of the state, around a 20 minute metro ride from Washington DC. Keep in touch and I would love to hear suggestions from a more eperienced writer on how to improve!

ceviz said...

Hi, Thanks for visiting my blog in Turkish, but it's of course no help as it is in Turkish. So take a visit to my blog in English instead: the recipes are of Turkish kitchen. Hope you enjoy if you try some of them (especially the dips).


dyseluxon said...

YAY!!!!!! You have identified the first part of the problem, and you've taken the first step! You're one step closer to living out your dream!!! See, it's that easy!!! =)

The only way to not stagnate or recede, is to proceed. There's a huge risk of making a little progression, and then getting stuck there, and you lose motivation because it seems like you're not getting anywhere. Fight for it! You've proven yourself capable and you can get there! Cheers!

Wayward Son said...

You have created a following as well.

I guess perhaps addicts understand want in a different way then others. The question you asked "Where did the old me get to?" resonates hard with me. I asked myself much the very same question. What I am finding is there is no old me... there is only the new me. Setting goals and living partly for tomorrow (today is still important) has turned out not to be the old me but the new... and tomorrow I am new again leaving the old me behind once more—if only aging would work the same way!

The other thing that has changed is my idea of success as has my idea of wealth and my idea of happiness. The ideology of all those things has shifted from acquisition to relinquishment—not getting but giving, not taking hold but letting go.

Awe bud, you got me thinking again. Wouldn't it be nice to ....


Gledwood said...

Thinking can be a painful experience. I try hard not to do it. Except when I'm writing blogs & things. I suppose.

Gledwood said...

thanxx for all the comments folks. i take 'em all on board ...

Sarah said...

Hey, thanks for the link. I noticed in your profile that you said you were into dubbing and house music. You don't have any idea do you, of how to remove the vocal track from pre-recorded music? I'm supposed to be singing on Sunday and I need the background music from a song on a cd. We have tried some music editing programs with no success. :(

Sarah said...

Ack! I hit publish, before I finished. Like the others have said, it's good to hear you thinking pro-actively and making plans for getting better. I'm routing for you!!!

chipper said...

Gledwood, you are one amazing person. I find myself being envious of you almost daily. (And not just because you have a regular source of HP brown sauce.) YESSS!!! This blog is a great start! I suggest seeing how it goes, and then perhaps -- a book? You could help a lot of people you know ... like you did me ...

RUTH said...

Hi Gleds; thanks for the recipe link, never tried cooking Turkish. I think you've done more than just create a blog; you've also increased awareness of what real life is like for a durg addict...not just the stylised versions we see on TV & in films.

Arthur Clewley said...

hello gledwood, you dropped by yesterday so I thought I'd return the visit, and crikey, you are one prolific scribbler! where does all this stuff come from? Great blog you seem to have going here. I'm sure I will drop in again..

Gledwood said...

Sarah: when graphic equalizers came out the press brayed that you could remove George Michael's voice from Careless Whisper ... (I can think of many other voices I'd remove from many other songs before I touched that one...) But we both know this isn't actually true.

The only solution I have is to get a karaoke CD which should include I Will Survive & all the other favourites minus vocals.

Professionally the voice is usually recorded as one track on a multitrack master so removing it is dead easy. Of course shop-bought CDs or internet downloads are 2 track (L and R ear) so that's not possible.

Sorry I can't be of more help. Really all I did in clubs was sit around talking rubbish. A bit like this blog actually..!!

Gledwood said...

Ceviz: thanks for the Turkish cooking link: I passed it on to some friends.

Everyone else many thanxx but I'm about to be timed out so see yers later...

Elsie said...

What can I say, Gleds????
You can do so much in life. but I think in a way I understand or trying my best to....
Take care of yourself ok


whitenoise said...

I did the rehab thing about 20 years ago. It took a couple kicks at the cat before it stuck, so I spent the better part of a year in treatment.

There, they actually had a word for the inability to experience pleasure: anhedonia. During my addiction, I had this in spades.

During treatment we were often taken on outings. One day, they loaded the lot of us onto a bus and we toured an arbouretum.

Now, the "old me" would have scoffed. Arbouretum, how square is that? But, somewhere along the line, I realized that I was enjoying the outing.

That was the first moment of my rebirth. I started to enjoy life again without chemicals and soon after that I experienced a creative burst that's lasted, well, pretty much until now.

Good luck to you, Gled. You can do it if you want it.

Juliusz of Oz. said...

Your blog is already a poetry. I read your blogs from Nov-Dec and now your blog makes unbelievable reading. It is 4:02am and I am still at your blog - it is now almost 5 hours and I cannot 'put it away'..


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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood