HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Chicken Curry Egg Fly Lice... Beef and Green Pepper Black Bean Sauce...

YES I HAVE A DISTINCT CRAVING FOR CHINESE TAKEAWAY. My local does a "one container" cheap meal deal for £4.20... hang on I tell a lie: inflation! £4.70 now. Yes yous diasporian English-speakers from Down Under, Across the Pond etc can laugh at those prices but that is cheap for this country, believe me. Australian takeaways, so I have heard many times, are aparently the best in the entire world¬!

Well one of my gremlins got ever so excited today as I peered down at her. I think it was Bashful. She peered back up all expectantly as if I was about to shower her with free gifts of cigarettes and cream cakes and things. Instead I gave her a sprig of saggy old broccoli from the side of the fridge. She sniffed it and glared back up at me "just you wait, matey - I was expecting a Marlboro Light at the bare minimum... I'll make you suffer for this!!" Bashful is a right gremlin as she keeps biting me! Yes! Every time I leave a hand in unawares I feel hamster-gremlin teeth closing around it. Fortunately she does not bite right in and draw blood. I suppose this is my fault for leaving them chicken bones: it's left them with a taste for fresh meat.

There is scant other news... I had all manner of ideas of what to post but have brought none out with me so this will have to do for Friday... apart from the following amazing Sun features!

The first news I heard (on BBC radio actually) was that Princess Diana was not only alive after the dreadful car crash that killed her but conscious and calling out: "Oh my God! Oh my God!" which fairly sickened me as I was one of those people affected by her death. Never thought I would be. If they'd done a survey before she died: "Would you cry if Princess Diana suddenly died in a car crash?" I'd have vehemently claimed: No! Which is one big reason why I don't trust questionnaires and surveys. People's self-reports on their behaviour or would-do behaviour are unreliable. We can only observe what actually happens to get a true impression of the human psyche's intricacies...

Anyway THIS is what I was seeking: Heavy Petting; Thank goodness it's not raining cats and dogs when they're as big as this..!

Hampshire police are now advertising on the rear of buses. Alas, their planning didn't consider the position of the exhaust pipe on the male "member". (No wonder that lady police constable has a smile on her face..!)

And have a look at Dear Deidre's Photo Casebook (bet they don't print anything like this in American dailies!!)


Well to be frank the bits in pink obviously will take you to a match but The Sun's own e-edition is crap at matching printed stories to their online counterparts... so if you want to see the policeman with a rude exhaustpipe on the back of a bus, look at page 41 in today's edition, Friday 26 October 2007!


Video of the day:
4-year-old Chinese Little Boy Rides Enormous Beluga Whale!


Crushed by Ingsoc said...

That is cheap for a takeaway.

Chinese is nice, but expensive for what you get.

Do you know wvery hamster in the world can claim descent somhow from the same one in Palestine in the 1930s.

Strange, but true.

Jeanette said...

Oh Gleds i like chinese food we have a good eat in or take away chines the meals are reasonable priced. combination omelet about $13, per serve, I think the special fried lice about $6... take care.

Gledwood said...

Ingsoc: I know what you mean you're dead right about SYRIAN (GOLDEN) HAMSTERS but mine come from MONGOLIA (hence the Russian name Roborovski)... they were discovered in the early 20th century but not brought to Europe till the early 80s when London zoo set up a display of them.. the current lot in pet shops stem from a "batch" introduced into Britain from Germany in around 1990...

I heard they sent out an expedition to Aleppo which is where the 1st golden hamsters were found... and discovered "only" 90 burrows... captured another batch of hamsters (which are now endangered species in the wild) to re-introduce to the diminishing-quality petshop genepool!

Jeanette: Hang on $6 Aus = well £1=$2.50, right? so just over £2 yes that is good!! (And I bet not as cardboardy as our local's, which I have to say is swimming in delicious fat!!)

Nicole said...

Howdy Gled! Thanks for all the moving good wishes over at my blog! The next few months will be a bit hectic for us, but that's life. I will indeed miss Suzanne a lot, but we're making plans for her to eventually come over as well, at least for a prolonged holiday. I wish you a lovely weekend!

loretta said...

I read your blog everyday with anticipation and you never let me down, day in day out, your writing is superb. I can't understand why you don't have a regular spot in one of the daily newspapers. I hope your book is finished soon, do you have a publisher yet?

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Australian do the best chinese take aways, but England ROCKS for indian.

Ironjack said...

Finally saw your comment on my fledgling blog. Love your blog! I don't know how you're able to post so much, it's hard enough for me 5 days a week :) On to your other blogs so i can waste more time at work...

Anonymous said...

I read about Princess Diana alledgedly being alive when her car crashed as well. If it was true (even if it wasn't) shame on the paparazzi for even wanting to exploit the situation.

- eileen

Gledwood said...

Nicole: yes; best of luck with getting all the final arrangements arranged!

Loretta: No I am not showing it to any publishers/agents/type people till I've finished at least draft 1... I can do without the extra pressure!

Vi Vi: Don't you find the nonspicy items on the British Chinese menu are all like sloppy cardboard flavour?

Gledwood said...

Ironjack: how do I post so much?... erm... I dunno either bc I always feel like I'm running out of things to say!

Eileen: the paps aparently said "please let us do our job"...

Puss-in-Boots said...

My favourite takeaway is fish 'n' chips...can't beat it, especially if it's a good takeaway that uses fresh fish and ours does. Then I like Chinese...pizza..nuh, you can keep it!

Tiramisu...I won't buy it because I make a really good one from a Tuscan recipe. It's yum, even if I do say so myself!

Have a good weekend and I hope the short days and long nights don't become too much to cope with.


Brother Dave said...

The little boy with the large whale is a terrific video. How special. Lucky kid.

Yes, human emotion is difficult to predict. We think we know how we might react in a given situation. Only when the occasion presents itself can we know for sure.

Gledwood said...

Puss-in-Boots: Thanks! I just get pressed in by the night, that's all...

BrotherDave: I had seen the pictures in the newspaper... never saw the vid till yesterday... you're right about predicting human behaviour that is why I always think surveys of "what would you do" questions are a load of rubbish!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

The title had me worried for a minute there! Poor little Bashful - I can imagine her glaring at you! That is awful to think that Diana was alive and crying out in distress like that . But I wish they'd let all this go - it's not going to bring her back, is it?

Gledwood said...

I know and it's going to bring scant truth up too!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood