HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Something So Strong Sunday

BABY ITCHY'S FULLY RECOVERED FROM HER "towerblock tumble" ordeal... how did she get to fall 150 "feet" onto her side? By itchily jumping off my arm as she rambled around... I don't know what I would have done if she'd done herself any real injury...

My video of the day is one of my favourite all time songs: Labbi Siffre's Something Inside So Strong. The video you see is a politicalized Palestine-Israeli home-made version, but that's quite good too. (The soundtrack is the original chart single...)

Well I'm off to Mother Hubbs's for Sunday dinner... it's a rainy autumnal afternoon... last night, so I hear, the clocks went back, which was odd, because even though I presently own nothing with a clock in it I still felt the difference...

For some reason I have real itchy feet... no! Not literally in the athelete's foot sense; I mean "desirous of travelling" itchiness of the feet. Even when I compared Baby Itchy's elongated bum to a Eurostar train and briefly linked that word to the official Eurostar site I discovered it is now possible to take the special direct December Ski Train from London St Pancreas International (St Pancreas= patron saint of diabetics (!)~and if you believe that you'll believe anything!) you can travel direct from London to high in the French alps by 200mph train... a journey of some seven-&-a-bit hours, but how much more glamorous than flying!!

***

Don't forget the Sunday papers! Get your free copy of News of the World by clicking here!


***

And here are some amazing gurgling baby shots!
http://leanne-brischetto.blogspot.com


***

7:15pm I'M BACK!¬
Had a charming afternoon
smoking lots of cigarettes and watching glowing colour television in the warm. I showed Mother Hubbs my Chinese Boy Rides Giant Beluga Whale video; she said it made her day.
She made gorgeous dinner, with perfect mash potatoes. Dry style. That is not creamy, with just a bit of milk-&-butter. Yum yum YUMMM!
I watched back-to-back nature docus until Mr Dodge came back roaring drunk (but friendly) and I thought I had better give them some space.
The best prog on was called Reef Gypsies, about the world-class Diver Tanya Streeter (she is very pretty!) who travels the world swimming like a mermaid amongst the exotic reef-fishies of the world... amazing stuff...

...2nd Video of the day
Top Wild Dives With Tanya Streeter


***

NEWSFLASH:
Ladies! Crap early 80s hair's coming back in fashion.
Yes!
Footballer Wayne Rooney's squeeze Colleen McLoughlin was pictured with a dreadful super-bouffant this weekend. (Scroll down past Posh Spice for the hilarious picture...)

***

Remember the other day in my Sun news roundup I mentioned a "rude" recruitment poster for Hampshire Police on the back of a bus? Well I've now found it. No wonder the lady constable is smiling, I said. Just have a look at the "unintentionally" strategic positioning of that exhaust-pipe!

***

Space-age architecture; rude shop windows
http://pulsardaqui.blogspot.com for great pixx of Toronto...

Art and Science
http://art-science-definition.blogspot.com
What is the difference between art and science?

Travel Blog of the Day:
Travel Blog of an Indian Backpacker http://backpakker.blogspot.com
Amazing Vatican Basilica shots...

Most Striking Visuals of the Day
Lone Stidsen http://stidsen.blogspot.com
Top design from Denmark...

Do you celebrate the devil's own festival, Halloween?!?
If so you'll want a handy recipe for what to do with the insides of all those pumpkins you'll be hollowing out.
Chef Jules at Gourmet a Go Go http://gourmetago-go.blogspot.com
has a brilliant one. Second down from the top...

Fantastic home interiors!
http://medinasinbolivia.blogspot.com
This is how I want my interiors done after my multi-million-pound memoirs advance!
(You need to be a multimillionaire just to buy a house in London these days...)


***

Have a look at my most recent blog visitors!
See them scattered in a bright band across the world...
(The shadow depicts where it is currently night.)

Best Chunky Necklace-Making Blog of the Day
Bead-guiling Designs http://beadguilingdesigns.blogspot.com
Wonderfully baroque stuff!

Ordinary yet slightly bizarre link of the day:
Gilles Paulve http://gpaulve.blogspot.com
Rather banal pictures of French people eating outside... led to me making "diaree blanc" comments... dunno why
***

I'm reading a fantastic book Return to the Marshes by Gavin Young (sadly that clicklink is his obituary from 1991). A comprehensive history of the Iraqi Marsh Arabs from ancient times to the present... sheer poetry - in all the best ways...

More info on the Marsh Arabs' longterm struggle...

31 comments:

Gattina said...

Happy to hear that your baby survived the fall from the Eiffel tower ! I already thought you hadn't washed your feet for a while and that's why they itch, lol. The Eurostar is great I used to take it for about 10 years when my son lived in London. From Waterloo to Waterloo station it took me exactly 3 h !

Gledwood said...

Waterloo to Waterloo = wow!

Gledwood said...

You know the French were complaining vociferously about the fact that Eurostar services from Paris Nord came into London Waterloo... still sore about Napoleon's defeat all these generations later!!

Liz said...

Mother Hubbs sounds like a great cook - and good friend.

I'm glad Itchy is okay. You do make me laugh the way you write about them.

This is my first attempt with your new-style comments, so let's see how it goes ...

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Loved the Something Inside So Strong video. Very powerful.

Gledwood said...

Liz: I always strive to entertain!

Brain Pan: Great stuff! ;->...

Audrey said...

This is one mighty post Gleds, so enjoyed reading it. St Pancreas patron st of diabetics...lol really!!

Lunch sounded yummy, I settled for a take away instead of cooking a roast took a day oft.

I too love that Labbi Siffre song and the images on the video, heartbreaking really.

Sounds like you had a good day and Im going to have to come back and look at all the links youve posted as the kitten has just appeared..lol no peace

Still writing ???? Auds x





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Gledwood said...

Yeah I'm still writing I just didn't want to bore the world with too much details of it!!

The post has grown and grown as I've trawled more and more and more blogs tonight... one massive session on Blogger Play photohunting!

Jennifer said...

Hiya Gledwood! Thanks for the shout. I make the beads by melting glass in a torch. They can be pricey, depends on the artist and the market. I'm not selling mine yet, but am shooting to do so sometime after the first of next year. A search for "lampwork beads" on ebay will yield lots of results.

Gledwood said...

O wow I would LOVE to learn how to make them myself!

I only used Fimo and the limitations of the material all too quickly became apparent...

Bimbimbie said...

Labbi Siffre ... the images of those little girls writing messages on missiles that will injure/kill other little girls just has you shaking your head doesn't it.

The mermaid lady - I was just reading something about her recently in one of our papers/mags .... she's just amazing *!*

...glad Baby Itchy is ok - have you heard of a Dunnart - an Australian carnivorous marsupial?

Gledwood said...

Dunnart!?
Yes I have!
I was wondering what on earth those things were called.
I used to call them a "piatkus" but that was just my own invented word...
Is that the thing that's like a little mouse? Only it has fights with scorpions for breakfast etc? Then they have a 2 weeks breeding season and all the males die of exhaustion?
Yeah I saw them on a documentary they were really funny!!

Squamer said...

re:Meme quiz

umm, by childhood bear do you mean like a stuffed animal? Because i didnt really have a bear, I had a stuffed Spot the Dog,

If you mean by a cartoon character or something, It would have to be WInnie The Pooh

Gledwood said...

yeah i meant cartoon character/literary figure

all i seem to remember from childhood is a multitude of bears!

;->...

Saur♥Kraut said...

Love the mermaid video! I wrote about our famous mermaids a while ago. It's something that everyone should see if they get to Florida, IMHO.

Josie said...

Your blog always gives me a good chuckle. You have absolutely the best blog out there.

If you ever come to Vancouver, you'll have to take a ride on our Skytrain .

lime said...

ROFLMAO @ the add on the back of the bus. i may have to steal that picture and use it in the future. that is hilarious.

AintNeverScared said...

I love the question of art v. science...ahh, I could go on and on. This is my favorite of all studies, or debates, or whatever you wish to call it. :)

To answer your comment on MY blog (thanks for visiting!) ... HE has behaved quite like a gentleman, and I have caught myself being a bit too emotionally erratic and ... weird. Time to reign it in! I might start to think I'm a "female" prone to "fits" of emotion! ;)

backpakker said...

Hi,

Thanks for visiting my blog and for highlighting it as the travel blog of the day..thats really nice and it made my day ! I have taken the Eurostar from Venice to Rome and its great .. Im glad that your baby survived the fall . Your blog is very funny..will be back

Gledwood said...

Saurkraut: (where did you get the loveheart symbol??) I will have a look at that in a sec...

Josie: a skytrain! o yeah! i love trains of all types (so much more sophisticated than aeroplanes and cars...

Aintneverscared: but you never CAN tell what any "professional" is thinking... I know that is what IS professional... but it can still get rather annoying...

Backpacker: I would love to go to Italy one day. I've never been...

Nicole said...

That back of the bus ad was so funny! I can't believe they had such bad luck with the design of the bus!!!

Arjan said...

So..I had a lot of reading up to do, but you made it worth my time!
Great video's!

I also like your new avvy! (did you drop your pet from the eiffel tower?? wtf.. at least it's ok)

The bus exhaust made me laugh out loud haha.

My Dutchnid blog has been on a hiatus for a while for the stupid reason I didn't take the time to paint anything for the last 2 months.

Soundtracksofwhatever however has been updated, and will be updated as soon as I've seen the movie The Royal Tenenbaums (40% on azureus) and reviewed the OST

I'll be around more :)

Arjan said...

..worth my while is the expression I think..anyways time/while it was worth it.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Bet you can't wait for the new station to be opened. It's such a mess at the moment, was there on Fri/Sat.

Oh tip on the pumpkin recipe. Don't use the pumpkins that are being sold now. They are just grown for carving and are extremely watery and tasteless. Best pumpkin to use in this country is Butternut squash.

Akelamalu said...

Good to hear Itchy survived the fall!

Mother Hubbard is really good to you - a true friend methinks!

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Great post with something for everyone. I clicked on your map and saw a red dot down at the bottom of Australia so I guess that's me. I don't live in Melbourne, but about 2 hours north at a city called Shepparton. I am glad you had a nice meal and afternoon's viewing, that is a nice lady. Thanks for your visit to my blog. We still have water restrictions, but can water a couple of hours every second day etc.Take care, Kind regards, Merle.

Arjan said...

150 robofeet..got me thinking you went to Paris with Robo in your hands for a couple of hours there.
Pfft I should sleep more..

I'm always surprised how high some animals can jump (or in this case fall) compared to their size.

Gledwood said...

Nicole: I know, hilarious, innit!!

Arjan: you paint for a living..?

Vi Vi: I never knew that about halloween pumpkins... when I was little we never did it at home...

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: Yes Mother Hubbard is a very true friend... that is certainly very true!

Merle: it doesn't surprise me you have water restrictions. Australia must be SO dry!!

Arjan: I think it is illegal to take robos to France and back. Under a silly "antirabies" law (even though the only rabies to get into this country in the last decade FLEW in the form of a BAT!!) we can only take microchipped pets in and out of Britain...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood