HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Regrets I: Japanese

STRANGE TO SAY but until I was well embarked upon the project, I hadn't really considered that writing my memoirs would make me examine my past (yet again) and, of course, wonder where I went wrong.

Well here's one crux-point I can identify: university.

So let's rewind 17 years or so...

I had vast troubles deciding what I was going to study and where. In fact the whole matter was stressing me so very much I wimped out of applying for the next acacemic year and ended up applying late on deferred entry (giving me a gap year which I wasted - not through lack of will but lack of money and opportunity).

If one proverb applies to my life it's this one:

If you chase two rabbits you'll catch neither!

That was the problem I had with uni courses.

Basically I was interested in:
English literature
Russian literature (the great novels) - but wasn't really up for learning the Russian language

European languages
I was doing A levels already in French and German and could have started a degree in Spanish if I'd wanted, from scratch.

But my biggest daydream was
Oriental languages;
most specifically Japanese.

I have a fascination for all things Japanese. Japanese television, Japanese electronics, Japanese poetry, Japanese writing (most complexicated system of writing in the entire world: uses Chinese characters plus TWO home-grown syllablaries plus the Roman alphabet!)... everything Japanese, in fact, except the food (though I've had Japanese curry at a Soho restaurant called Zipangu and that was yummy).

Now I know myself and I'm motivated by novelty. If only I'd bitten the bullet and gone for Japanese ... I can see this now; my life might have taken a totally different turn altogether.
Rather than continuing on the tired old subjects I'd done at school the course would have entailed immersing myself totally in an alien langauge and culture... If I had done it, I'm not sure I'd have derailed like I did and ended up dropping out less than halfway through a four year course...

Guess what I chose in the end?
You guessed it: French and German.

How I wish I'd followed my heart!
I still get a little flutter inside when I think about the three courses I was interested (in descending order):
London SOAS
Cambridge
and
Oxford


As it turned out, however, my grades were one point too low for SOAS which asks for BBB. I got BBC. Good enough for the course I finally applied for... but on Results Day I cried. Because I felt I'd failed.

And THAT, dear Readers, was a turning point, a beginning of the end. For from that moment on I took to throwing opportunities away, one by one. Until, within a few years I'd taken my future, crumpled it in a ball and tossed it in the trashcan of life....

Where would I be now if I'd gone for that degree in Japanese I always wanted?

I wonder
I wonder
I wonder ...

***

Clickfor:

Funky Japanese language blog...



16 comments:

Brother Dave said...

One of the Maverick brothers said that his Pappy taught him to "never cry over spilt milk, because it could have been whiskey."

Regrets. We all have some. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day, and each day better than the last.

So much for hoping.

Josie said...

Gledwood, you know what? It's never too late. Never have regrets. You can still do it.

I'm glad you found my blog again. I had to delete my old one *sigh* but I set up another one and I have added you to my blogroll again.

You have one of the best blogs in the blogosphere. Really! You're a hoot!

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Depends how badly you want something.
I graduated from a technical university in Toronto and still felt I hadn't proven myself academically.
At the age of 36, I finally got into an extension course at Trinity College, Toronto. This led to a degree.
Here I was, pushing 40, but so proud.
I had finally made Varsity.

It is never too late.
Not sure about your age, but you could teach English in Japan.
That would give you an immersion curse in that country.

Ivan

jmb said...

Here I am Gledwood to torture with my new avatar.
Looking back and saying this might have been different if I had.. is indecision in another kind of way.

You know what Gledwood, you are only 35 and it's not too late to turn it all around. Decide to do it and follow through, one step at a time.

You show that you have sticking power, for every day you write in your blog and you are persevering with your memoirs.

All you have to do is get clean first then the world is your oyster.

The wonderful thing about Japanese is that every letter is pronounced and there is no emphasis on any syllable. Well the writing is a little more complex but if they can do it so can you.

Don't regret it, do something about it.

Good luck from Cleo and jmb.

sadgirl said...

Oh so sorry to hear your story. I did English and French at uni and I regret it now as it took me nowhere. My life is on a different path now and yours isn't over either Gleds. With the right help you can overcome your problems. Who says you have failed? I think that every day that you live with your drug problems is a triumph of the spirit. Think about when you get your memoirs published not if. Don't give up. Ever.

love sad x

Audrey said...

The end is where we start from Gleds very often a little wiser.

One grade away..so near and yet so far I know, all those other grades pale in comparison at that time I should imagine, yet they were just as real, just as valuable and still are.

Perhaps you've already taken that scrunched up peice of paper out of the trash can, slowly unfolded it, straightened it out around the edges a little,smoothed the creases and are now having another look at that decision you made back then...I certainly pray you do, as decisions can be made at any time, we can change our perceptions what we once deemed failure and see the many, many successes we created along the way. no one can take those away from you, you own them, you worked for them

Its never too late and do even need to wait till your drug free??? who knows.

You have so much still to do and your commitment to your blog, the way you write are all positives...Perhaps time to reassess and start believing in yourself again, your talents and skills x Auds

If I am not for myself then who will be for me?, If not this way, how? If not now, when? ( Primo Levi)

Liz said...

Regrets? A waste of time. Yet we all have them. But you're stil young; it's not too late to change your life for the better. Whatever course that might take. Like I should learn to type. I spend so much time correcting my errors.

whitenoise said...

I'll echo the other comments. You still have time to change your life's course. If you do it now in your mid-30's, everything is still possible.

Gledwood said...

Brother Dave: never cry over spilt milk bc it could have been whisky... even more valuable? I don't get that...
But you're right there is no rewinding history I can only start writing a future as of NOW

Josie: I don't know if I even would want to go in for a fulltime degree now in any subject... I'd rather study Japanese at my own pace...

THEN if I wanted to do the degree at some future time I would do it having learnt as much of the language in advance as I could!

Ivan: Good on YOU!!

:

Gledwood said...

JMB: Your hypnotic dog still entertains me! With really mad looking eyes haha! You are right I suppose about the sticking power re the blog especially I often feel like I've nothing at all to say but still force it out of me almost every day without fail, don't I~?!?

Sadgirl: Don't worry about me how are YOU I hope you stay feeling better this time...

Audrey: Those are very nice points you have made. I have to "examine" in my memoirs what it was that made me chuck life scrunched up in that bin... it was as if I was spitting in the face of everything I was supposed to have stood for... almost as if to see what would happen...
no i don't know why?!

I can be stupid sometimes :: I feel like I've pissed a lot of opportunities up the wall and that I can't forgive myself for...

Gledwood said...

Liz: That's why I'm doing my book - as a way of turning my life around ...
not just for the writing,
but for the telling it
and the publication of it
and the money I want to make from it
and the exposure it hopefully will give me
and my cause - the drug addiction debate

ALL those are reasons for my writing...

Whitenoise: I have to do it now b4 it really does feel too late...

after all there's 1000s of people who could have turned round at my age... and just carried on and are now in their 50s, 60s...

Icarus said...

Well, you certainly managed to bring a difference to my day today, so I thank you for that. You delivered a question to me this morning and it set my mind loose through every spare moment. As it was an interval day in all the work projects, there were a good lot of spare moments.
My answer was written first on paper, so it isn't a blog post yet.When it is ready, it will be on my other (current) blog, "The Flames of Eden", not where you posted the Q.
Like you, I also did my 2nd choice at uni, French & Spanish, but for entirely different reasons. 4 years the total anti-étudiant, I loved it. And it was a door to the best working years I could have dreamed up for myself. Long story...aren't they all?

Steve said...

My guess is that maybe there was someone in your life who had high expectations of you that you couldn't always meet and that person's disapproval (even if they aren't actually part of your life anymore) still haunts you.

Lots of people get to a point where they don't even try because they are afraid to fail. You are doing this blog and writing your book, so you aren't there. But if there is some disapproving ghost in your life, stand up to him and take back your life.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Oh, Gleds, you didn't fail - you did very well. We can all wonder about taking a different path in this life but we can't know how it may have turned out. And you are young yet - you WILL get through these tough times! Hang on in there. Perhaps you'll go to Japan with the proceeds from your autobiography.

ggirl said...

Everyone is right--it's never too late. BTW, I *love* Japanese television. Thinking of you, Gleds. Take care.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood