HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, October 06, 2007

House-move Robos

I AM THINKING OF INSTITUTING A NEW HOME for my furry pinging rolly-polly puffball gremlin-lookalike pets...

As I've shown before, I do have an entire Habitrail hamster X-Cell entertainery complete with "X-treme slide" (only a frog would use it as a slide: it's a spiral staircase for hamsters) turret complete with revolving wheel (it rotates on a spindle as it trundles round and my old Siberian dwarf hammies used to use it as a nest, their bedding trailing after them like tumbleweed when they took up rambling inside... It has integral waterbottle (very posh). Most of the clips have broken (not posh and not safe). But assuming that no-one interferes with it they should not escape as the only unsafe section, a green upstairs they'd need the strength of a full-grown rat to headbut out to freedom. You've already seen an exact replica of the cage on this youtube video, but have a click if you think you've forgotten.

Only my defeatist attitude prevented me from opening it all up earlier - as it had gone to Mother Hubbs's garden shed for storage; then she needed access to the shed so I took it back. Hojja McPodge, her "other half" warned me he thought a little bit had dropped out... assuming this would mean the entire thing was unworkable I took it back and stashed it in the corner thinking it was useless and that really I should throw it away...

Well what I'm going to do is sawdust it up and put some of their favourite tubes and cardboard boxes inside... then it can be their weekend holiday home.

I need something to do otherwise I'm going to turn straight back to...


YOU KNOW WHAT!...

***

Today's videos:
Pet Shop Boys - Suburbia...
all sociological, especially for my friend Ruth, who is doing further education in the subject
&
Pet Shop Boys - It's a Sin ~ in my opinion this is their greatest record of all...

***

Clickonthis for a photo that to me would look great blown up to wall-size as a modern artwork... it's from eriksnap.blogspot

20 comments:

Audrey said...

Hi Gleds been without an internet connection for a few days looking forward to catching up....in the meantime, eyes forward and dont turn back..not today :) your worth more..be back once Ive read some more.. Auds

Gledwood said...

CHEERS DEARS!

RUTH said...

Cheers Gleds; I'm sure I can incorporate that into the labelling theory....meanwhile carry on writing but please no going back to you know what; you're stronger than it is!!!!
{{Mumsy type hugs}}
Rx

Audrey said...

Gosh the Robo's are going to love that weekend home, I can imagine it would be very entertaining watching them scamper up and down those tubes and spinning that revolving wheel

The post where you wrote about your dream was intruiqing, have you checked any of the dream analysis sites. I have a few books on the subject, but they can be so complex at times.

Keep up going with the writing, wishing you the strength you need for each new day to achieve your dream. great attitude pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again, much healthier than staying down..All the best x Auds

The Egel Nest said...

Gleds -

I am a big fan of old pet shop boys music...but they don't hold a candle to depeche mode or erasure :)

It's a sin is their best record though...for sure!

Bradley
The Egel Nest

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Gleds, hope the Robbies are happy with their new holiday home.

I love the Pet Shop Boys, the bring back memories of a misspent...um, not exactly youth, but somewhere a little further on, if you get my drift. I'd better shut up while I'm ahead.

Hope all is well with you. Take care.

edyta said...

hey,
hows life going nowadays?

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I still have faith that you can beat this, so please Keep trying. Just get through one day, and sleep, then get through another etc.
Your pets certainly provide you with
entertainment. Keep writing !!
Kind regards, Merle.

Wayward Son said...

Possibly the the position of low rung in the social order of addiction belongs to heroin because opiates are the hardest addiction to kick physically. But it has been my experience that the people I know who have kicked heroin are now the strongest, most serene and most apt to enjoy life to its fullest of ANYONE I know, regardless of having kicked an addiction or not. This tells me that it is not only entirely possible but entirely worth it. It also tells me that there is no position on any social ladder that will insure one's ability to enjoy life! (unless one wants to go through the struggle of having to kick an opiate addiction just to gain an appreciation of life—but not even the recovered opiate addict would recommend that) I agree that it seems to take a much longer time for the effects of opiates to quit working which is the stepping off point for most addicts.

For me, giving up alchahol was something I did because I had found a strong appreciation for the clarity that came with not using speed which is to say it was not a moral choice but one of what kind of experience I wanted to have in life. But that is me.

I think that once you can fully embrace how much better you will feel once you are able to stop using completely, you will believe that the hard struggle to get there is worth it. So whatever it takes to get that understanding is whatever it takes and, without exception, different for everyone. None-the-less, there is much value in the dialog with people who share the experience of that journey no matter how unique the journey is. The part that we all have in common is that we are traveling from a place of despair to one of joy.

Speaking of journeys, I am loving the nostalgic one via the Pet Shop Boys. I think they were always critics of a sort and just changed the object of their criticism from music to life. It was always even more apparent to me in their videos.

Best, WS

Nicole said...

Hang in there Gled! I've been thinking of you most of the day and wondering how you're getting on. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Deb said...

that looks like quite a set up gled.

But are you sure there are pieces missing? Let us know when you set it up. If the clips are missing, can you just put something heavy (a book?) on top to hold things down? Or use twist ties to secure things (that's what I do with my bird cage that has missing clips).

gledwood said...

Thanks for all the messages everyone.
Just let me go home cook some cod in parsley sauce and then I'll get back to yous all here in a couple of hours.
Also I've got to do my daily writing "thang"~!!

Gledwood said...

Ruth: I am stronger than it is? That is what I keep telling myself and it should work but it doesn't always work. Let's hope it works this time tho. I am reminding myself what the last wise worker said and pointing out that these cravings are self-deception of the "that's the addict in you speaking" kinda thing...

Gledwood said...

Audrey: where have you been? Long time no hear, you hear me?!? The writing I'm doing a bit of every day. So far I am on chapter three. But these chapters are far bigger than chapters I've done in the past: ie they are about 5000 words each on average - ie about 14 printed pages whereas usually I've written 5-page chapters - 2000 words in previous books... The writing is my kind of therapy. I am trying to tell myself not to fret about "will they let it come out in hardback in the UK? I don't WANT a paperback original (as they give to most new authors) etc etc etc...

Eagle: Pet Shop Boys are VERY different to Depeche Mode tho - I mean Depeche mode sound very early 80s even though is is totally synthpop whereas the Pet Shop Boys sound late 80s and I don't think their sound has really dated that much. Their tunes don't have that heavy 80s thing going on that a lotta tunes from that time had... which has dated them not just in the sense of the production or even the open throated singing but the actual tunes themselves sound really 80s... good example A-Ha The Sun Always Shines On TV

Gledwood said...

Puss~in~Boots: Hi I left you a message this morning. Did you like my redback? Yes they loved the holiday chalet thank you! Were quite offended at having to be turfed out on Sunday night!!

Funny the Pet Shop Boys are far more popular internationally than I'd have imagined. Great stuff!!

Edyta: FINE! But sleeping too much ;->...

Merle: I'm glad someone has some belief in me... I know it's I who has to have this dreaded belief in myself because I can only do it on my own which sounds awfully lonely. But until I get that self-belief I don't know that I ever am going to effect any permanent changes, sadly ...

Does that make any sense?

Gledwood said...

Wayward: Heroin has always been in a unique position here. The first heroin addicts in this country tended to be extraordinarily posh people... who got addicted through medical treatment that I suppose is usually only given to the dying... and then they didn't die and had to be treated for the ensuing painkillers addiction (diamorphine has always been available as a medical painkiller in this country. It's only banned in America to justify "heroin has no medical uses in the United States" type war on drugs statements... Despite the grotty image, heroin still has a kind of uppercrust kudos in this country I don't think it's ever really had in America. I also hear it's more socially acceptable in Europe to use heroin than in America. Just as it's probably slightly more acceptable on the more European East Coast of the USA than the West... is there any slight grain of truth in this, do you think..??

As to what you said about the Pet Shop Boys we ALL wanted to see their film when it came out but had no access to it...

In the 1980s when they were at their peak, it was very difficult to get access to pop videos in this country unless you were one of the pretty small number of people who had cable TV or satellite. I really wanted satellite TV but it wasn't considered a priority. I was such a telly addict I judged the expanse of one's life by how many telly channels one had. I.e. satellite - with its (then) about 30 extra channels in English, 30 in German and 20 in other languages would have expanded my universe by over 7 times!!

Gledwood said...

Nicole: thanxx ;->...

I never knew you had birds! What bird(s) do you have Debs? I can hold the top green bit down with sellotape. The turret also I could probably tape down. Also the missing clip from the side really seems to make no difference and I could most probably tape where that oughtta've been also ...

Brother Dave said...

I am a Pet Shop Boys freak. And I have a lot of their tracks. "It's A Sin" is among those that I especially enjoy. As well, I have a number of remixes of their stuff.

Keep up keeping up.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood