HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Speed Virgin


It always happens when I've "higher thoughts" on my brain...

(You know what I mean: thoughts of going clean.)

I was just waiting for the bus when a tobacco tin caught my eye. It was one of those childish ones with prominent psychedelic cannabis leaf for decoration amid swirling fractal graphics.

Expecting to find nothing within, or possibly a fagsworth of baccy I duly opened up...

Imagine my surprise... let me say there was more than a spliff'sworth of skunk inside, not to mention a package of sparkly smelly white stuff.

I was awfully cautious with this latter. It could, after all, have been anything.

I tasted it. It was really sparkly. Like coke ought to be. But wasn't coke.

I chopped it out in lines... but balked at sniffing them.

In the end, I shoved a knife-end in a spoon, mixed up, topped up with heroin, banged up... at first nothing (ho-humm)... then this ever-increasing, ever-pleasing dizzy took the top off my head and rose rose rose ever so gently... this was speed. Not too much of it (thankfully) and ever so mild.

First time in my life I've ever "banged it up" (years ago I always dabbed it just like sherbert... or snorted it at a push though I thought that was a waste of good nose tissue...)

So that's a first... and no doubt a last.

I'm not nineteen any more. I don't feel that one more novel drugs experience is extra furnishing for my life... I don't think like that anymore.

I'm speaking as one whose gone so far into addiction that the "buzz" of the drugs high - whatever drugs you're talking about it really doesn't matter. Addiction is one condition. The drugs are all different. But the bitter end is one place and the same no matter which chemical key unlocked the door.

In the absolute depths of addiction, I, who had lived from daydream to daydream (or plan to plan; I would have personally called them) stopped daydreaming at all, except for looking forward to my next pipe or fix or drink. At my very depths I woke up each morning feeling like I was lying face down on a pavement and banging my head downdown... pointless hopeless. Even though I knew I'd get the drugs I knew the next day and the next would be just the same and just as miserable.

So when I briefly and willingly went on Subutex (buprenorphine) for a month or so... and rebounded back to life with a shocking velocity... I realized, watching the TV news etc. that for the previous two, three years of my life no TV programme had ever spoken to me, no newspaper written for me, no ordinary person spoken to me. For I'd pushed myself so far to the edge of life and society I was barely any longer part of the "human race"... let alone the "rat race"...

Thankfully over the intervening time I've slowly drifted back. Partly it was that moment of clarity that shocked me back.

It's been more than telling that in my moments of fantasy before/after buying lottery tickets drugs don't feature in such multimillionaire's fantasy. Not even glamorous sparkling lines of cocaine. I know from my crack experiences that coke - in whatever form, it really doesn't matter; the mode of ingestion only alters the rapidity and economy of the drug's absorbtion into the system - only ends in darkness and madness. The lab monkeys hooked up to IV heroin and coke took heroin and lived ordinary monkey lives. The coke monkeys did nothing. Nothing at all. Didn't eat or drink or breed or sleep or do anything else except take more coke from the push-leaver that delivered it direct to their veins (equivalent to crack infusing lungs to brain in a human; it hits you within 20 seconds and it's overwhelmingly strong. And succeeds purely in making you crave more-more-more...)

So that's my little diatribe of the day...

Drugs! Who'd have 'em, eh?!?


Video of the day:

Whitney Houston - Queen of the Night...

It's the words that get me:

I've got the stuff that you want,
I've got the thing that you need -
I've got more than enough
To bring you down to your knees...

Go speak for yourself, Whitney!


RAFFI said...

the hammies are so cool... for now, i'm vicariously petting them through you. and, what kind of luck do you have finding tobacco tins full of drugs. crazy stufff! for real meth-heads, check this out! sooo sad.

gledwood said...

Well it wasn't FULL but there was stuff in there haha!

gledwood said...

Note to self:

I can't add this to blog as the dreaded popup blocker's getting in my way of bringing ANY window up now...


painkiller equivalent strengths (inc methadone)

gledwood said...

Note to self:

Info from Department of Health re limited diamorphine stocks in UK


molson said...

Wow. I have been fortunate to have never used. I guess I believed the anti-drug films I was shown in school so beer is as far as it gets for me. As such, it is not possible for me to fully understand your addiction no matter how well you articulate it. I guess the only way to truely understand is to enter the trap which for so many people offers no escape. I do hope that one day you will be able to defeat the demon, but I know that it is neither that simple or easy to do. You are truely a talented and creative person. Your blog is proof of that. I'm certain that your book will be excellent as well. Keep up the good fight.

Please forgive me if I am being too dramatic here and I have to say that the posts about your robo-hammies offer a nice counter to the heaviness of your addiction. It is one of the things that makes your blog truely unique. Thanks.

Deb said...

gled...please be careful. I feel that that's playing with fire (shooting something that you're not sure about). Anyhow, no more preaching.....

As for my bird story...his old cage was small and broken in many places. So I found a HUGE cage (must've been for larger birds) in really good shape at the thrift store. The bars were spaced closely enough to keep him in place. But the wooden "perches" were somewhat wider than his old ones and we had to whittle them down a bit in order for him to grasp onto them.

But so far he's barely moved from the top perch and doesn't seem very happy at all...we're giving him a bit of time to adjust before we make the decision to put him back into his old cage.

Deb said...

oh I had the EXACT same personality "reading" as you!!

RUTH said...

Memo to Gleds; please ignore stray tobacco tins.
Tried the quiz and I'm the same as you!!! One of the 8% women.
Thanks for the nod on the American spelling...I do hope my Literature tutor doesn't read my blog as she's told us NO American spellings in our work!

Bimbimbie said...

according to your quiz I'm INFP and married to ISFP *!*

I'm with the others as to the tin, risky .... pls look the other way should you have any other encounters with homeless tins

Regine said...

Hi again=)

There are two main versions of Norwegian.
One that has its outspring in Danish, and one that is old Norwegian.
Here in Norway, we also learn English, German, French, Spanish.


Gledwood said...

Molson: Do you know the difference between drugs and beer/etc?
People go "how much can you drink" and they're saying "how much of the nasty feeling of drunkenness can you tolerate before being so physically ill you are incapacitated"
With drugs if you get to anything equivalent to that state you're in serious medical trouble... so people take less of them... that is the only difference I can think of...
I drink every day now. NA say it is a form of "using"...

Deb: yeah I hear you... that was slightly stupid, wasn't it hmmm

Ruth: they actually mentioned American spelling? I don't think most young Brits even KNOW the differences in spelling... I predict in 50 years there will be no British/American spelling differences. It will all be the same... (all be American!)

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: do you think it was some kind of test? I would never have been so foolhardy a few years ago... just get used to this type of behaviour...
I feel quite tired now. Probably bc of that amphetamines...

Regine: the Bokmal is the more Danish one, right? Isn't that what newspapers are written in etc?
English, German, French, Spanish... did you learn ALL of those? Wow! I wish I spoke Spanish it is the one language that comes up repeatedly "you don't understand you must learn" kind of thing at me...

molson said...

I don't know about the drugs Gledwood. (Should I use Gleds?) Really I don't, but it's pretty hard to seriously damage yourself with beer unless you pound a twelve pack and jump into your (insert car of choice) and wrap it around a tree going 90 mph. If beer were really on the same level as say meth, the Germans would be royally screwed and they seem to be doing just fine. Personally, I really like the taste of a good beer. I don't need it to kill the pain... I walk up big mountains for fun and that hurts like heck... or to feel good or to kill my brain which isn't quite dead yet. I just switched it off years ago to save it from damage due to unfortunate encounters with idiotic managers in my line of work. Now I can't remember how to turn it back on. What was I saying about beer? Oh yeah. I really do like it.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ hell man, you could have died - not being sure what that was.
I agree with Ruth ~~ ignore stray
tobacco tins. Take greater care and stick with it and your higher thoughts my friend. You can do it for one day. Best wishes, Merle.

Merle said...

Hi again Gleds ~~ I got the same result as you for personality.
Cheers, Merle.

gledwood said...

Molson: Ok okAY I take your point!
What I was talking about was alcohol poisoning and hangovers... and I meant these are nasty but recoverable... but if you start getting severe bodily reactions from DRUGS you really are likely to be in trouble... (I think - did I not say that? O I can't recall now...)

Merle: Point taken!

Akelamalu said...

Gleds I can't believe you took 'stuff' you found in a tin outside! Do you want to die????

Gledwood said...

No I know I know I know I thought I did know... good job it was a lucky guess, right?

Brother Dave said...

I believe it serves a bit as a catharsis for you to confess to your weakness for the unknown contents of that tin.

Of course, as you know, this is truly addiction. As a diabetic, I can glance at the bag of cookies, then perform the intellectual process of telling myself why I cannot have a cookie.

I wonder if that makes the cookie taste all the yummier. The second cookie is even tastier. Don't tell me about addiction. ;-)

w0w… I feel better after having confessed.

I suspect we are human.

ggirl said...

I did speed once in college. It made me a very mean person--I said exactly what was on my mind and what was on my mind was highly critical.

ggirl said...

Oh yeah...about the personality type: I'm even odder. INT/FJ/P. Hey, what can I say? I'm complex.

Marcelisima said...

Wow. Thanks for the comment on my blog--wasn't expecting to read anything like your speed experience, but hey, that's cool. Just a note--I put up photos of Autumn because, while I live in Iowa now, I'm from Texas, where there is no fall season whatsoever (just kind of jumps from really, f'in hot to bare trees and not so hot).

Well, bye. :-)

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood