HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Nightmares

I'VE SPENT FAR TOO LONG SLEEPING the last couple of nights and had some horrible dreams.

On Tuesday night I was at my childhood home. People were poking round the house - househunting - because it was on sale. I had a secret key and so furtively slipping it in the lock I sneaked upstairs. Because I was so badly constipated I had to use the loo, which was suddenly en-suite to my parents' old bedroom. All straining to get this done then - wahey! - out pops a dead BABY! It was lying in the toilet water dead-eyed, like an old doll. At this moment the house hunters came into the room. "I've just had a baby!" I exclaimed. "Let's see!" they demanded but I'd already flushed the toilet... then I had to run away because everyone was after me on an alleged murder charge...

Wednesday night I lay down around 7pm because I was so exhausted. Sleep overtook me so powerfully I did not rise until 9am - 14 hours! I dreamt I was addicted to drugs abroad and a fat police inspector kept coming in threatening to search the place. I could never find anywhere good enough to hide my stash. So in the end I found myself on the run throughout a suddenly British countryside although the dream had commenced in South East Asia ... nearly got caught several times then flew upstairs over a grocery shop ... and suddenly all was forgiven and the dream ended ...

Now I feel really unfit and unhealthy and my life is a mess and I'm sinking in the morass. I could do with going to bed again but have an appointment and so can't... I can't cope with this ...

... oh, and I'm not dreaming any more ...

***

Video of the day:
Jammi Jammi ~ A German person's parrots (gorgeous ones at that...)


Does anyone know what the one on freezeframe and the blue one just like it are called? They are beautiful birds. Just a bit bigger than lovebirds... (far as I can see...)

24 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

I can see why you find those little robos so cute and they are fast, they must run on nervous energy or something.

All this sleeping and nightmare dreams, I'm starting to think your landlord is pumping gas through the floorboards or something.

... you had me laughing over your comment - mix-up-my-toes-es .... very witty *!*

Anonymous said...

;->...

Steph said...

I'm not a fan of dreaming. When I have really detailed, energetic dreams i always wake feeling so exhuasted.

Liz Hinds said...

You can cope, (Bother, I've got baked bean juice on my keyboard!) Gleds, and you will.

Battle on. The bad dreams distributors must have been (and now my keyboard is all sticky) out in force last night: I had a really weird dream too. Quite disturbing and involved having to run away and try to hide.

Anonymous said...

Steph: I woke feeling exhausted, too

Liz: get those bloody baked beans off your keyboard they will cause havoc!

We probably got sprinkled with stardust from the same Judderman's pot ..(!!)..

Anonymous said...

Note to self: Olivia Goldsmith, author First Wives Club, died of plastic surgery complications.

Link:

http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/features/n_9852/

Nicole said...

I LOVE how you've cleaned the blog of too many videos and just have one featured on top! Really great.

I too had an odd dream, almost funny. I was calling my friend in Germany and I could hear his phone ringing and he wasn't picking it up and his ring tone was the starting music of a Eurovision broadcast!

Naomi said...

its been awhile since i've stopped by! Haven't been around much on blog world recently. Have no time it seems.

Those are some crazy dreams u have going there! It is weird how things in life translate into dreams

RUTH said...

Hi Gleds, Thanks for continuing to drop by even though I'm rather lax at blogvisiting/commenting myself at the moment :o( Loved your sociological thought that money DOES grow on trees :o) Strange dreams you've been having...try googling for some Dream Interpretation sites...maybe your dreams are trying to send you a message. I dreamt that all the college students were dressed up as Nazis..obviously all the 1930's German "stuff" we're learning in History is playing on my mind!
Take care
Rx

Anonymous said...

Yes, Nicole: I too got bored of ceaseless "waiting to load" Lionel Richie tunes, etc... (ooo I've not posted up Lionel Richie - what a thought (!!))

Naomi: Where have you been? Have you stopped eating swines? I keep miniswines as pets: that is cannibalism!
As for dreams: yes I know the prison themes translate into addiction: as for the rest of it; I'm not sure...

Ruth: yes money definitely DOES start with the value of food (which grows on trees) ... what else could it be based on...
I will have a look at those dream sites a bit later...
but ME giving birth to a dead doll? What on EARTH does that mean~?!?

Anonymous said...

You should tell the trees thing to the sociology lecturer and see how intellectual they think I am... as that is my pet economic theory (haha!)

Unknown said...

My sleeping best was 22 hours.

Wayward Son said...

Ordinarily I am a big interpreter of dreams, amateur style. But this one is beyond my means! None-the-less, dreams, I believe, are key pieces of information. I have read that we do not have nightmares we cannot handle and that\ when we do they are generally couched between less nightmarish ones so as not to overload the psyche. Is this of any comfort? Probably not. But I do wish you well.

Ian said...

Why wont you allow me to help you brother?

Anonymous said...

Ropinator: how did you manage that? Had you just come back from a long journey? Or been somewhere? Or been ill? 22 hours=longLONG time!

Ian: how CAN you help me?
I was talking about this in the drugs clinic today - about how, on television, in newspapers people talk about addicts "getting help" - but the only real help you can get is from yourself, to yourself, help yourself. Other people can provide rooms and baths and meals on schedule but there's little else they can do for you....
Though I do appreciate the offer.

Anonymous said...

Wayward: what about the baby dream?
The "on drugs abroad" dream to me quite literally represents my fear of going away clean and getting addicted again in an unsafe South-East Asian country...
The giving birth to a dead baby (totally unexpectedly I only thought I was constipated) then being chased for murder when innocently having flushed it... that represents being falsely accused, or the trumped-up charges and the consequences of being persecuted for "mistakes" you quite innocently did wrong... sorry I can't be more specific than that...

Calista*Was*Here said...

Hey Glads,
dive out of that morass!
There is wonderful life just for you!
:)

Deb said...

Linds has very vivid dreams and tells me about them. I feel very left out because I rarely dream at all. I worry in my sleep...seriously, I wake up worrying. It's an immediate thing.

I'd much rather dream, although the bizarre dreams that you and Linds describe have me rethinking that.

Deb said...

oh, and Linds just bought two dream interpretation books today after school. I'll look yours up when she's finished with them.

Gledwood said...

Calista: actually I'm thinking of doing a little straining to break free as of TOMORROW ;->...

Debs: well the constipation dream came true already... I think the dreams partly involve unintended consequences causing trouble... eg the crime of "murder" by flushing the child that I had assumed was dead, it wasn't my intention to harm anyone... the drugs in SE Asia I only ever would go there if I thought I could stay well and truly CLEAN...

Casdok said...

Love Pet shop boys!!!

Gledwood said...

There was a time a few years ago when I thought they were really outdated or not with it... I just think I had disappeared up my own arse though, to be honest...

They've done a LOT of good tunes... and not vanished either...

Wayward Son said...

It's difficult for me to think of dreams as being literal in their messages—too much that does not make sense.

Perhaps the dead baby represents heroin because it is in you and it is death for you. Sorry to be so blunt that way but this is not something you do not know and I am a crass American after all! And it does not have to be the death of your body but the death of all that you might otherwise be. I mean it is no secret as to your highly evolved intelligence. drugs have to have had a hampering effect on your self expression (I may be projecting here because this is very much how i feel about my own addiction issues) The constipation might be representative of the difficulty in ridding yourself of your addiction.

Possibly the dead baby in your parents loo might also represent the you that died when addiction took hold. the law in SE Asia or anywhere in the East for that matter, is very cut and dry in terms of using illicit drugs. if one were to correlate good and bad (as in good for you, bad for you—not a moral judgment) to lawful and unlawful, the SE Asia aspect of your dream makes more sense to me.

None of these are pleasant thoughts but then they are not literal translations. Some experts (a debatable term) say dreams are our inner self trying to make sense of our temporal existence, hence the zany symbolism. After all, we dream in images and not words, making translation a bit more theoretical.

I did look up some stuff on the Web of which there is plenty and it is ALL fascinating. There are exercises in how to remember your dreams as well as how to dream lucidly—that is to have less surreal dreams to interpret. One site went as far as to say "Having Nightmares? Lucky you!" meaning that nightmares can be especially telling and very helpful in that way. It's all in a Google search for dream interpretation.

Best, WS

Gledwood said...

I'm a bit confused about the dream... I thought the "crime" of flushing the baby was more important than the baby itself... maybe i was wrong and maybe it does represent my habit after all a baby is something one nurtures just like an addiction...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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