HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Mercifully Short (Trainride)

THIS WILL BE A SHORT POST.

I'm too exhausted!


Couldn't sleep in the night; was writing memoirs instead. What's slightly depressing is that I know they're going to require quite a lot of hacking around afterwards. And that's not so easy to do when your own life is the story; know what I mean?

I've found two bizarre "nature's gladiators" videos today:
House Cat vs Scorpion
and, don't watch this second one if you're creeped out by crawlies:
Centipede vs Tarantula and Bat (!!)


Mother Hubbs and I were talking earlier about travel and how nice it is to get around and I was bewailing how smallminded and crap the people are who run Britain and British things. Look we have a Channel (rail) Tunnel so why no night trains direct to Venice? Madrid and Malaga? Vienna? Moscow even? Imagine the glamour of going to bed at 11pm just outside St Pancreas station, London and waking at 11am (you gotta get 12 hours' sleep just like me!) whizzing through the mysterious judderman-filled birchforests on your approach to Moscow! (They could call it The Mafia Train..!) If you do want to travel London to Europe you must change mostly at Brussels. Here's the link.

Peter Day did a Global Business radio programme for the BBC about European highspeed rail links and every other country's seemed to be better than ours. France, Italy, every other comparible country has highspeed links... and yet our only truly highspeed line is the one going to Belgium and France!! (Yeah: some say that's because us Brits are in such a hurry to get out of this ****hole!) Also he said in Germany they have a no-reservations system. You just jump on. Reservations are the bane of post-privatization rail in this country. O yes, you can still jump on a train - if you want to pay $200 from London to Manchester one-way! The operators know fully well their customers would prefer not to reserve. But make the system complicated to justify squeezing extra cash out of people who merely want the basic privilege of hopping on and off at will... surely that is the whole advantage of trains over aeroplanes...Knowing you have to be at the station for one specifically reserved "service" and must decide precisely when you want to travel back even though you may not have laid plans for two weeks later... surely defeats half the object...~??

OK, rant over. I don't know why I should be so het up about a form of transport I barely ever get to use these days... it just riles me when things are crap. Especially moneygrabbing + crap: the worst combination... Ever since I was a tiny tot I've loved taking the train. The lulling motion. The smooth ride. The speed. (Well.. not really in this country..!) The way you get to see the back of things... yeah man Railways Rule.

Now! I have to go and clean out the gremlins. Their domain is covered in seed husks and dry chicken bones and I've about 110 clean new tubes for them...

Alors!
A bientot!

(as we say on Eurostar...)


***

Blog of the Day:
Beijing to Paris by Motorbike! http://beijing2paris.blogspot.com

***

Right now I really am off.
I just went round Sainsbury's for beef sausages and gravy and the local shop for potatoes and onions. I'm off to make bangers and mash! (Yeah!)

***

Right: 10 minutes to 10 at night.
I made the loveliest bangers and mash (that's sausages + mash potato in gravy to all ye outlanders there)... yum-yumm-yummie!

My tubby furries are all white-shavingsed and clean. They were pinging about like mad earlier as they don't recognize their home by the scent-markings any more. However I kept all their old "furniture" like the Maltesers tube and the (newly-buttered) wheel and the "granary" box which is a little square cardboard box, holes cut in bottom and top corners, stuffed with hamster bedding, that they themselves have filled up with wild birdseed; and they sleep in it on cold nights, too...

(I've always found hamster etiquette so entertaining. Last night Spherical came out of one of the tubes and fell asleep again blocking the way to the wheel. So Baby, who was having an ultra-hyper episode kept rambling right over Spherical's head, onto the wheel, got bored, got off, pinged through the tube, clambered right over Spherical all over again, repeated said exercise. And all the while Spherical barely stirred, thinking "oh that silly little girl's been dancing on my head again, no wonder I feel a bit funny..." (!)

***

Halloween Blog of the Day
Kay's Thinking Cap: Halloween Gone Wild! http://kaysthinkingcap.blogspot.com/2007/09/its-great.html


PS: talking of bloggers, surely I'm not the only one out there who thinks Hootin' Anni looks like Neighbours' Mrs Mangle...(??!)

***

Here's a link for luxury train journeys 'cross America. It was a highspeed version of something like this I believe we ought to have pinging 'tween London and Istanbul, Moscow, Madrid, Rome etc etc

25 comments:

Gledwood said...

Come on someone!! Leave me a message (wail wail) it's been over 2 hours - come ON!

Anonymous said...

I can sympathize with what you are saying concerning travel by rail, however, I suggest that you try and look up the cost of airfare within Canada. I know full well that there is a HUGE geographic distance (England is basically the size of Vancouver Island), however, the price of domestic flights here are outrageous. It would cost me far less to purchase a ticket to London from Toronto than it would for me to go to Vancouver (about $800-$1000 round trip). I live in the province of Ontario and for me to fly to the North end (which is about an 18 hour drive) it would cost about $200 one way. It is no wonder that Europeans are typically more seasoned travellers!

Anonymous said...

BTW I made that comment...which was really more of a ramble about nothin'

-Eileen

Gledwood said...

No Eileen it was quite interesting: don't they have megadiscount airfairs by you?

We can get somewhere like Berlin by plane for $100 US easily.

Most places in France are $80 or less.

You used to be able to get to Ireland for $20...

Christine said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog the other day. I'm loving your blog! If you don't mind, how did you find me? I noticed you commented on one of my Twilight related posts, are you a fan?

whitenoise said...

Yeah, modern rail travel isn't really done here in north america. I suppose mostly because the distances are too great...

Gledwood said...

Christine: I answered your query at your blog... I came upon them quite randomly... some of your pixx are excellent tho!

Whitenoise: I see what you mean, but I bet if they installed maglev trains people would travel New York to California... IF they could do it in 7 or 8 hours... know what I mean?

And here I am arguing the virtues of trains to you, a pilot!

How fast does a jet airplane go, btw?

molson said...

I used to own an airplane. It was a 1947 Cessna 120. It would take-off at around 60 mph. It would cruise at 90 -100 mph. It had a redline or Vne of 140 mph although I never got it going that fast. I was afraid the 50 year old wings would fall off. (It was 50 years old when I owned it.) The birds that Capt. Whitenoise fly go quite a bit faster and their airspeed indicators are calibrated in knots not mph like my old Cessna. I sold the thing 9 years ago and haven't flown since. I've been told the happiest day of your life is when you buy an airplane. The next happiest day is when you sell it and that was true for me, but now I'm kind of sad. I miss that old bird even though I know it was just a machine.

Hey that cat really gave it good to that scorpion. I kind of figured it would. Common house cats are vicious hunters. Now that giant centipede is another thing. That cat wouldn't want any part of any giant centipede. I wouldn' t want any part of any giant centipede either. If it came down to a choice between fighting a giant centipede or a rattlesnake, I'm going with the rattlesnake. I will require my hiking stick though. I don't face off against rattlesnakes without my hiking stick.

Oh yeah and rail travel in the States absolutely sucks. We have to drive our giant Yank Tanks everywhere we go.

Gledwood said...

I heard a passenger jet airliner goes about 600mph (I don't know what that is in knots)...

whereas an express train can barely manage 200mph

a maglev train can do 350mph or 500kph

so unless we can get trains going at least double their current speeds they're gonna be little competition against the aviation industry...

how come rail transport in the USA sucks? i heard you have modern 140mph trains and all ... then again the only route I've heard of people using is the New York to Washington line...

do you know the poshest train I've ever taken was in India?!? It was relatively slow; I doubt it exceeded 100mph but o! the luxury! it had black windows, almost ambulance-black. it was the smoothest ride... straight across the Deccan Plateau... excellent stuff!!

I love trains, in case you hadn't noticed...

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I would love to see your hamster set up.

Gledwood said...

The tubby swines have two setups.

One is a "luxury" confinement complete with interior slime-green spiral staircase and wheel on turret. The other is a basic 18"x10" aquarium stuffed with toilet tubes at the one end and a wheel at the other. They love hiding among the tubies... and of course comin' out to ramble for hours on end on that wheel nearly all night some nights...
I will try to get digital photos that I can post up here: I'm not too good with the camera/computer stuff, but will try...

molson said...

The reason why passenger rail service sucks in the States is because it is run by the US government owned corporation known as Amtrak. The US government owns all preferred stock in Amtrak and the board of directors is appointed by the President and is subject to approval by Congress. Nuff said there. The rail system in the States is mainly used for freight. Passenger service is mainly an afterthought. By decree, Amtrak is suppose to run passenger rail service in all 50 states, but I think only 46 states are served with the most popular routes being in the eastern corridor from Boston to DC. That maybe the only place in the US where rail service is decent because driving the eastern corridor is such a nightmare. The reality is in the States you travel by car or by air and it is an awful long drive between New York and LA or anywhere in between. I actually wish there was a decent alternative to travel by air. I just hate going through the airports anymore.

...and yes post some pictures of your Robbies if you can. That would be most entertaining. I think even Evil Spock would approve.

raffi said...

molson is right about the rail system in the us of a. it does suck and will probably never improve or be considered a true means to transport... that's what cars and airplanes are for. more robo vids are always welcome, especially if their home has been remodeled.

WAT said...

The cat chewing on that scorpion kind of disturbed me! EW!

We have shitty rail here in the U.S. as some have said. AMTRAK?! BLAH!

Hey, you're on mee links list on my blog. Congrats u li'l bugger u!

whitenoise said...

My airplane trues out at about 460 knots. That's about 530 mph or 850 kph.

To get a measure of the distances involved, try this website.

That will produce great-circle distances. A rail route would end up longer due to terrain issues- mountain ranges, rivers, etc.

Arjan said...

I'm not a painter for living..alas.
my painting
I wish I could get paid for this, but for me it's just a hobby (part of a tabletop game).

In the Netherlands the railways system sucks (maybe not as hard as in the UK) but mainly because of delays..if you ever use a train overhere, count on delays.
In Germany I've used the ICE, 250kph was very nice! But I think they're going to stay of the Maglev for a while after that crash last summer..

@ vids: are the cat and the mice immune to the venom or something or didn't he get a good sting..
Maybe this scorpion wasn't that toxic.
I've seen more movies with these giant centipedes, they're awesome!

Gledwood said...

Molson: Is it right they took down the New York to LA tracks? That's what I seem to remember hearing somewhere...

Robby pixx: I am gonna try to post one from the net up on my blog. But have never posted a photo in my life, so I've no idea how to do it...

Raffi: Yous lot say your trains are bad BECAUSE they're run by the govt: Far as I know, French, German, Italian, etc trains are all govt run: ours only got WORSE after privatization...

Wat: I think the cat must have had specially long claws to escape that evil arachnoid's stinger...

Gledwood said...

Whitenoise: aha! I worked it out at 600mph so I wasn't that wrong!

Arjan: I think the cat must have just avoided the stinger, bc surely it would go str8 in the pads of his feet...

I heard about the maglev accident, what a bummer bc that would have been really good...

of course, no maglev thru the channel tunnel so change of trains (yet again!)

jim dandy said...

Nature can be as disturbing as civilization. Those centipedes give me the heebie jeebies!
and if the scorpion had killed the cat, I would have been very put off.
Luckily you soothed my senses with bangers and mash.
yumm yum!

Gledwood said...

Do you have bangers and mash in America? Or toad in the hole? Surely you call 'em something else... but what about gravy? Please tell me you have gravy... I heard somewhere you DON'T USE IT! How can you possibly eat a roast dinner with no gravy?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

;-<

molson said...

I checked the Amtrak website to see what it would take to get from New York to LA by rail since I have no idea as I have only traveled by rail in the eastern corridor. The trip involves a leg from New York - Penn Station to Chicago - Union Station which is said to take 18h 45m. The second leg goes from Chicago to LA - Union Station and takes 43h. The round trip cost for the trip is $394. Not cheap and this is with two weeks advance notice. A flight from Newark airport, which is in New Jersey but across the river from New York City to LAX costs $405 and takes 6h 10m. Of course that time doesn't include getting to the airport and getting through security, but you will get to LA in the same day compared to 62h by rail for a savings of $11. I used travel dates of depart 11/12 and return 11/16 for this example and I don't think the prices included taxes because I didn't complete the process of purchasing the tickets. Changing dates will change prices for both air and rail but I don't have that much time to check every possibility. Basically you can see the dilema of rail travel in the States from this example. Rail travel does work for the shorter routes in some very select markets like the eastern corridor, but forget cross country travel.

I didn't know you were so into rail travel Gledwood. I'm certain it works much better in Europe than in the States, but I've never been off of the North American continent so what would I know... Not to mention never having traveled in slow luxury in India. You have many stories to regale us with Gledwood. :-)

Liz said...

I can't remember what I was going to say. I only just thought it; I can't have forgotten already.

Ah, yes, trains. Are you too young to remember the old trains with compartments (like Hogwarts Express)? They were the best. You could have adventures in those.

ggirl said...

Small minded and crap the people who run Britain are? You should live in America--we win.

Take care, Gleds.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood