HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Depressed (Again)

YES AND VERY uninspired. Not that inspiration is any essential to life. It is quite possible to trudge along without it.

Having slogged away pages and pages and pages on my memoirs chapter 3 I find I shall very likely have to scrap this entire chapter and rewrite. Why? Because it is an account of my trip to Spain and Morocco and, not being strictly relevant to the theme of my book has totally overrun. Plus it's all in told in the manner of "and then, and then, and then, and then". Remember I have to get this past a sloane called Fiona at Harper-Collins/Random House/Viking-Penguin etc etc without giving her any cause to send it back for rewriting or basically giving her any cause to think anything else except "how many millions advance shall we shell out for this one?!"

I have at least found my ideal home. Having always wanted to live in a tower block. But not the "waiting for demolition" sort with cracksmokers on the stairs - imagine my delight when I discovered a place called Ontario Tower in Canary Wharf (yuppie central). Apartments are semi-integrated into a five-star hotel and you get swimming pool access (yeah!) plus a gym (no!) plus when you get bored of watching zillions of channels of telly (query: will they mind my affixing a Sky dish to the side? I'm sure not! (Not likely!) you can spend all night ordering items on room service from the hotel!! What luxury!! To price in American dollars to make it sound more expensive; a "studio apartment is just under $600,000, a one-bed about $1,000,000 and a 2-bed $1,200,000! So I take it a stuio apartment is exceedingly poky!

To put that in perspective, the house I live in is worth about $1.2 million, the price of a 2-bed apartment there.

And to put that in perspective: I do not own that house. Indeed it is leaky-roofed and crawling with bugs. But a 1-bed flat round here you'll be lucky to get for under $400,000. Even Madonna complains London is too expensive!

I currently have three gremlins sat in a row washing one another. They look so funny. I wonder sometimes whether they ever truly sleep, as most of their time in bed seems to be spent washing. I can't imagine sleeping in wood shavings, how horrible. But every bedding I put down just gets tangled round their wheel or shoved under the water bottle to leech dampness into their house... I don't know. Gremlins by name...

I don't know that I shall be able to spend too much time online next week. I have to sort myself out. More. Which means not being on a computer hours on end...


Liz said...

I thought of you today, Gleds. I saw a book called How to fossilise your hamster. Not that you would want to, not until it was dead but it might come in handy. Maybe.

gledwood said...

When they die I will get them stuffed. Or made into a paperweight or something like that.

If I can.

I wanted to get my old hammy Pandable stuffed nibbling a hazelnut when he eventually passed away aged over 3, which is really old for a hamster; but everybody thought I was joking. Also I bet it's really expensive, even for a hammy...

Lee said...

Depression is so depressing it arrives when you least expect it or want it and then it leaves without any apology.

I hope in time of my writing you are feeling much better, Gled. :)

molson said...

That Ontario Tower looks lovely. Well that is until the Ruskies get to flinging some of those tsar bombs around. I love how the test pilots where 'hand selected'. How does that work I wonder? It probably was a choice between freezing to death in Siberia or burning to dust in the nuclear inferno. I think I'd go for the inferno. I just don't like the cold. I'm sure the pilots were thinking..."Couldn't Moscow give us one of those fancy planes with the afterburning jet engines like the Americans instead of one with props?" I know that's what I would have been thinking.

$400,000 for a single room flat? Too rich for my non-existent paycheck. I was able to get a house on a lake for a quarter of that in the States. Well the roof does leak a little, but who knew that real estate was so cheap here? Cheap and getting cheaper by the day. Sigh.

Good luck with getting sorted out next week. For myself, there is no hope. I just look at my existence as increasing the entropy of the universe a tiny little infinitesimal amount. I'm cool with that.

Ropinator said...

If I was Madonna I wouldn't complain about money.

sadgirl said...

Hi Gleds
sorry u r depressed. Is there anything you can do to cheer yourself up? I find getting out and about has helped. Can you see a friend? Your writing sounds like it is going great. Well done on that.

thinking of you
sadgirl x

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Ahh the depression is because of the speed you took a few days ago. The big come down.

I can relate to those prices in London, thats why I moved away from there.

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds, Sorry to hear your having a bout of depression keep the writing up it will help you greatly.take care hope your feeling better very quickly...sending big hugs all the way from Australia.. keep smiling,,

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Sorry you are feeling down and hope it has passed by now.
Your little mates need you to take care of them. Thanks for your comments - - I agree with you that 'hating' only hurts the 'hater'

Most years there are fires in the hills outside Adalaide and on the
outskirts of Melbourne. Take care of yourself Gleds and things will look better another day. Warmest regards, Merle.

Akelamalu said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling down Gleds, hopefully tomorrow will be better. :)

gledwood said...

Liz Not fossilized but preserved for posteriority forever more on this hand!

gledwood said...

Hey no bloody picture!
Let me sort THAT one out...

Gledwood said...

Ta DAA! Picture!!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood