HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

LIVE FROM LONDON

Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Depressed (Again)

YES AND VERY uninspired. Not that inspiration is any essential to life. It is quite possible to trudge along without it.

Having slogged away pages and pages and pages on my memoirs chapter 3 I find I shall very likely have to scrap this entire chapter and rewrite. Why? Because it is an account of my trip to Spain and Morocco and, not being strictly relevant to the theme of my book has totally overrun. Plus it's all in told in the manner of "and then, and then, and then, and then". Remember I have to get this past a sloane called Fiona at Harper-Collins/Random House/Viking-Penguin etc etc without giving her any cause to send it back for rewriting or basically giving her any cause to think anything else except "how many millions advance shall we shell out for this one?!"

I have at least found my ideal home. Having always wanted to live in a tower block. But not the "waiting for demolition" sort with cracksmokers on the stairs - imagine my delight when I discovered a place called Ontario Tower in Canary Wharf (yuppie central). Apartments are semi-integrated into a five-star hotel and you get swimming pool access (yeah!) plus a gym (no!) plus when you get bored of watching zillions of channels of telly (query: will they mind my affixing a Sky dish to the side? I'm sure not! (Not likely!) you can spend all night ordering items on room service from the hotel!! What luxury!! To price in American dollars to make it sound more expensive; a "studio apartment is just under $600,000, a one-bed about $1,000,000 and a 2-bed $1,200,000! So I take it a stuio apartment is exceedingly poky!

To put that in perspective, the house I live in is worth about $1.2 million, the price of a 2-bed apartment there.

And to put that in perspective: I do not own that house. Indeed it is leaky-roofed and crawling with bugs. But a 1-bed flat round here you'll be lucky to get for under $400,000. Even Madonna complains London is too expensive!

I currently have three gremlins sat in a row washing one another. They look so funny. I wonder sometimes whether they ever truly sleep, as most of their time in bed seems to be spent washing. I can't imagine sleeping in wood shavings, how horrible. But every bedding I put down just gets tangled round their wheel or shoved under the water bottle to leech dampness into their house... I don't know. Gremlins by name...

I don't know that I shall be able to spend too much time online next week. I have to sort myself out. More. Which means not being on a computer hours on end...

15 comments:

Liz said...

I thought of you today, Gleds. I saw a book called How to fossilise your hamster. Not that you would want to, not until it was dead but it might come in handy. Maybe.

gledwood said...

When they die I will get them stuffed. Or made into a paperweight or something like that.

If I can.

I wanted to get my old hammy Pandable stuffed nibbling a hazelnut when he eventually passed away aged over 3, which is really old for a hamster; but everybody thought I was joking. Also I bet it's really expensive, even for a hammy...

Lee said...

Depression is so depressing it arrives when you least expect it or want it and then it leaves without any apology.

I hope in time of my writing you are feeling much better, Gled. :)

molson said...

That Ontario Tower looks lovely. Well that is until the Ruskies get to flinging some of those tsar bombs around. I love how the test pilots where 'hand selected'. How does that work I wonder? It probably was a choice between freezing to death in Siberia or burning to dust in the nuclear inferno. I think I'd go for the inferno. I just don't like the cold. I'm sure the pilots were thinking..."Couldn't Moscow give us one of those fancy planes with the afterburning jet engines like the Americans instead of one with props?" I know that's what I would have been thinking.

$400,000 for a single room flat? Too rich for my non-existent paycheck. I was able to get a house on a lake for a quarter of that in the States. Well the roof does leak a little, but who knew that real estate was so cheap here? Cheap and getting cheaper by the day. Sigh.

Good luck with getting sorted out next week. For myself, there is no hope. I just look at my existence as increasing the entropy of the universe a tiny little infinitesimal amount. I'm cool with that.

Ropinator said...

If I was Madonna I wouldn't complain about money.

sadgirl said...

Hi Gleds
sorry u r depressed. Is there anything you can do to cheer yourself up? I find getting out and about has helped. Can you see a friend? Your writing sounds like it is going great. Well done on that.

thinking of you
sadgirl x

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Ahh the depression is because of the speed you took a few days ago. The big come down.

I can relate to those prices in London, thats why I moved away from there.

Jeanette said...

Hi Gleds, Sorry to hear your having a bout of depression keep the writing up it will help you greatly.take care hope your feeling better very quickly...sending big hugs all the way from Australia.. keep smiling,,

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Sorry you are feeling down and hope it has passed by now.
Your little mates need you to take care of them. Thanks for your comments - - I agree with you that 'hating' only hurts the 'hater'

Most years there are fires in the hills outside Adalaide and on the
outskirts of Melbourne. Take care of yourself Gleds and things will look better another day. Warmest regards, Merle.

Akelamalu said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling down Gleds, hopefully tomorrow will be better. :)

gledwood said...

Liz Not fossilized but preserved for posteriority forever more on this hand!

gledwood said...

Hey no bloody picture!
Let me sort THAT one out...

Gledwood said...

Ta DAA! Picture!!

opop said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

fgeegf said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood