HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Intellectual Hungarian Tomato Bread

AS I SAID YESTERDAY I'm thoroughly bored of Turkish snacks and have been munching my way through the Hungarian baker's menu! My favourite Turkish thing was probably jajeek which is spelled "cacik" and is the mint yogurt garlic cucumber dip; better known as tzatziki... The takeaways do something called lahmacun which is like a pizza wrapped up with salad, only £1 each. The Hungarian baker's do plaited chocolate bread... which sounds ... interesting! I don't know why I'm writing about food, I'm not hungry. I've just nibbled half a (small) loaf of that Mediterranean sundried tomato bread. It's not one of those flatbreads that looks like glorified pizza: this has tomatoes all the way through it, which is really yummy with Lurpak butter, believe me!...

There's very little news today except I'm going more and more off the alcohol. Not quite sure why. Laundretta got drunk and there are cigarette butts sticking out of charred holes in the hall carpet. (She has no respect for this house...) I even thought she had battered the door down last night, but seemingly not; someone must have let her in at the last moment. That woman is always drunkenly losing her keys. And when she has had too much she looks drenched from head to foot, as if she's taken a fully-clothed shower... I wonder what she'll be like in 20 years' time... if she's still around.

My robos have been hiding in an extensive tubery. Because "Baby" Itchy's gone so capybara-giant these days I have repeatedly confused her with Bashful and even big momma fatty Spherical which caused hilarity when I tipped her out of a tube onto my hand. Rather than a calmly rambling baby vole-like creature I got an exploding furry firework hopping and fizzing into a far corner. I told Spherical I was very sorry I thought you were your friend; but she just peered out suspiciously from the tea-box into which she had darted as if to grumble, "that's what they all say, mate".

My video of the day is:
Exhausted Robomother Feeding Young
plus - all new! This one's really entertaining:
Hilarious Itchy Robomother Doing Baby Stuff
plus you get
The Daily Mirror's (highly amateurish) "Showbuzz" Roundup... have fun!!

***

Here's a yummy-looking chocolate dessert...

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How come all South East Asian schoolgirls have blogs looking like this one~?!?
http://enchanted--melancholy.blogspot.com

***

Here's a really artistic blog:
http://afancifultwist.typepad.com

***

Blog feature of the day Ottawa in Canda... wow the parks and buildings are AMAZING...
http://lukigoescanada.blogspot.com

***

A special blogoftheday: Inge Mobile Blog http://ingemobiel.blogspot.com

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

Where I am in Toronto, you can literally walk 10 minutes in any direction and find any type of cuisine you are looking for...Italian, Portuguese, Vietnamese, Indian etc. I think Torontonians take for granted the amount of cultural diversity we have at our finger tips(not that London doesn't, from what I hear it is just set up in a different way, not to mention 5 times the size of our city). Anyhoo, I am travelling to England in April to meet my boyfriend's entire family, so I suppose I'll get a better understanding of England and what it is to be English come then...AND....SCENE.

Sorry for the rambling...

Laundretta sounds like a tool.
Your hamster stories are cute.

Eileen

Gledwood said...

Well we DO have 2 Chineses... but apart from that. NO! EVERYTHING is Turkish round here, apart from the "southern" style chicken shops... yeah, Turkish is just about it... but then I do live in a bit of a ghetto!

Anonymous said...

I too live in an "ecclectic" area that is in the process of complete gentrification, so soon enough we won't have any access to anything but crappy fusion food and overpriced wine lists to provide small comforts to the shitty condo dwellers (sorry I know that's a huge generalization, but it's a touchy subject currently for long time downtown folk).

-eileen

RUTH said...

You're making me hungry reading these posts....nothing like that for sale here. Thanks for all your nomments non ny n nost ni nill net no nhe neden noject none nay
Rx

Liz said...

Gledwood, I have terrible trouble every time I visit your blog. Each time I click to comment it freezes and stays frozen for about 2 minutes and I can't do anything. And it happens every time! I don't want you to think I'm not visiting!

Poor Spherical! Lurpack butter, mmm.

zen wizard said...

I hope the mommy hamster will find the time to work on getting those kids into a really nice private preschool.

That's very competitive nowadays, and you just can't start lobbying too early!

Those kids will be "four in rodent years," before you know it.

Kahshe Cottager said...

It is wonderful to be able to experience food from different parts of the world! Funny enough, I enjoyed scones, Devon cream and strawberry jam with tea several times while I was away!!

I am so pleased to 'hear' an upbeat note in this post ... and congratulations on your progress forward over your demons.

Tickles to the fur kids!

Gledwood said...

Eileen: ah! But do you own your own property? Gentrification=bigBIG profits to be made~!! B4 you know it you'll be in Manhattan's Upper East Side...

Nuth: Neye nouldn't nearly nundernand neveryning nou ned nere...

Liz: RIGHT! I have altered it from popup comments window to nonpopup... does this make it any better for you?

I know, Spherical is very touchy. You wanna see her face. Such cynicism you wouldn't believe could be possibly expressed by a one year old rodent's furry features!

Zen: I know! And now they just look like baked beans with legs...

Gledwood said...

Kahshe:... if they LET me go anywhere near them after the latest hamster fireworks disaster!

IVY said...

WHY are you using more alcohol? Do you know how typical this sounds.. It's like any addict speaking. If I were a counselor, i'd write down. Mostly often said: "I dont know why but I just keep using THIS drug." ect. There has got to be a better reason.. do we just ignore it or play dumb or what. Not like there is an answer to this except "who knows,...."

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. The bread sounds yummy. I just love your conversations with your hamsters! Auguri

Gledwood said...

Ivy: have you had an impolant from MY brain or something? You're MISreading, yeah! Addict-stylee... I said I was using LESS alcohol and I DON't know why! not MORE! LESS!! duh!!!!

Welshcakes: yes but the neighbours think I am nuts...

Bimbimbie said...

Thanks Gleds you've given me a giggle over your post of course it started with lots of ah look at those little legs going at the milking station, poor little mum. *!*

Is it just me or is every female in the uk entertainment media talking like that girl in the Daily Mirror showbuzz thingy? We had a feed from a US tv show with another Brit girl talking that same way.... please don't tell me they are cloning them at some "you too can talk this way" college ..... are they? lol

Josie said...

HI, Gledwood, how are you? I love Greek food. Do you have baklava for desert? Yum?

The neighborhood where I live in Vancouver has all the best restaurants, India, Chinese, Japanese, Greek, Italian, Thai, Vietnamese, even a little British tea room :-)

Okay, now I'm hungry... Heh.

lime said...

well thanks for the linky loving. glad yo uliked what you saw at my place or else wherever you were tripping over me in your blog travels. interesting place you have here.

lime said...

oh and yes, you abbreviated pennsylvania correctly. PA is bordered by new york to the north and new jersey to the east.

Deb said...

Tzatziki is my absolute favorite...we have it quite often. I just dip pita or nann bread in it. It's really easy to make too, but I don't put mint in it.

Now you've made my hungry...although I'm feeling like kiwi fruit right now.

I haven't had a chance to check out the links yet...back later.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: THAT is what they call an "Estuary" accent... isn't it terrible... but aparently nearly half of Britain talks like that now...

hang on what am I saying that is MY accent too (I suppose)

well I come from the South East

but I always pronounced my Ls at the end of words like "bubble"

stead of "bubbw"

Gledwood said...

Josie: you're lucky to have variety... as I said we only have Turkish plus southern fried chicken plus 2xChinese, oh & + McDonalds of COURSE!

Baclava=yeah! You can buy it on plates for £1.39 in all the corner shops

Lime: you have definitely been here before... as I have definitely been to you...

Debs: you can make tzatziki with coriander as well... so I'm told

Puss-in-Boots said...

Congratulations on becoming a father to all your little robohammies, Gleds...lol! Now you'll have your hands full. Little robos everywhere.

One think I like about the New Australians is their cuisine. I love trying different foods from different countries and it's much more interesting than meat and three veg.

Take care.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Glad to see you are more cheerful ~ maybe it's the LESS alcohol!! Good for you.
I read on someone's blog that drug users have three choices !!
~~~ Sent up (Prison)
~~~ Covered up (Dead) and
~~~ Straightened up !!
I am sure that was helpful !!!
As far as I know we do not have
recycle fascism here. BUT Did you ever see a movie called "Alice's
Restaurant"? It was about a letter found in the Rubbish and they found they had put something in they chouldn't have and found the culprits by the letter. It was many years ago, but good.
Take care, Kind regards, Merle.

mrsnesbitt said...

Hi, Thanks for visiting my blog via Ruth. I took the quiz.......

Your personality type is enthusiastic, giving, cautious, and loyal.

Only about 8% of all people have your personality, including 9% of all women and 6% of all men
You are Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

whitenoise said...

The Turks around here do a version of the lebanese chicken shawarma, sometimes also called shish taok. Give one of those a try if you can find it in your neighbourhood.

gledwood said...

NOTE TO SELF:
This is the Sun rude placenames url:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article385023.ece

gledwood said...

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article38
5023.ece

Gledwood said...

Puss-in-Boots: I've heard Australian restaurant and takeaway food is literally the best in the world! Several times, off several different people, so ...

Merle: I've heard something like that from NA as well... that 1/3 die 1/3 get clean 1/3 carry on using...

only the 2nd one will do for me!

Mrs N: thanks for coming by! I've seen your face so very often ... I'm honoured!

Whitenoise: I would love to try Lebanese food. I've heard it's some of the best!

Bimbimbie said...

... glad to see Snowy made to your page this time *!* Will have to come back to read properly looks like you have some interesting links today .... not that you don't everyday of course *!*

Gledwood said...

Hey the links actually came out then. unlike today (friday)

lime said...

ok, so i just had dinner but somehow i am hungry again after that.....

ggirl said...

Capybara--yikes! I'm glad I missed them. Large rodents make me nervous.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood