HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Peachy Tea; Peachy B

... ACTUALLY IT WAS PEACHY CAKE I was craving after, but it doesn't rhyme...

The cake
in question was light orange (well, peachy colour), covered in peach-thick icing, peach slices atop in clock-shaped petalry, light peachy sponge and a literal inch thick of peachy icing through the middle that had me fantasizing about it for hours and hours and hours...

... until I get to the shop this morning and all SOLD OUT!

Leaving me with no option but to take my regular (by now) tomato bread and to wonder whether tirimasu would make a replacement on the sloppy-stuff scale of edible pleasure (probably not).

I accidentally rang a dealer who I hate earlier. I wish the person who gave the number had warned me which "Andy" it was. Ukk. Only consolation was the yummy (peach coloured) B he supplied mmmm it would have gone really well with peach cake, but hey...

If I was a rapper I was going to call myself Yummy B. But I would probably get banned by the BBC on that account...

Sorry I know I ought not to be rabbitting about these things. What can I do except tell the truth, no matter how ugly, shameful or etc it really is?

Also, another confession: I realized last night that I had not contributed a single word to my growing (cancer-style) memoirs for five days. Having had to scrap a chapter about my trip to Spain and Morocco (it's just a retelling of an old holiday "and then and then and then..."; contributes practically nothing to the book) I realized I may have to scrap my time at university as well.... Then I thought Hang on! This is my story. I'm not going off on too merry a tangent about courses, lectures, essays (though I do mention them). So what if other writers skate over their uni time. Mine is relevant because it's when I first DISCOVERED drugs of any type. And drugs are the whole crux of my story.

Then something came on the news today: that criminals who profit from their crimes by writing memoirs about them are to be sued by the government who will take all their money. SURELY they don't mean drug addicts like me? Whose only crime has been to use? Actually if they did try to silence memoirs like mine a claim could be made that they're silencing free speech. Not to mention preventing ordinary people like me from making my own contribution to the "Drugs Debate" the government so eagerly declared we should nationally engage in some time ago... Well the writing's getting easier now, as I did 2 pages this morning, which is about all I could manage in a DAY when I first began. Still, I don't think I can get this 1st draught finished by Xmas, which I really wanted to do earlier...

The Sun newspaper published an hilarious piece called "Britain's Rudest Place Names" on p43 today.... Titup Hall Drive... Hardon Road... etc. I'll leave the best ones there for you to clickonit&readhere!

Did you see my robos videos yesterday. I see why mothers of all species get so exhausted now... not just the running round changing nappies, wiping faces, pulling clothes on straight etc etc etc stuff... if you watch that first Robos Milking Film; they actually look like they're sucking the mother dry! The second video was even more hilarious, when she decides to get up and, unable to detach four or six babies from her teets, just clambers off letting them come unstuck and roll haplessly about in the sawdust...

My video of today comes courtesy Bimbimbie: It's Snowy the Famous Dancing Cockatoo!!

***

Another thing from The Sun: "Planet of the Japes" - Shell Wildlife Photographer of the Year competition winners. (Click again for a fantastic slideshow...) The great big fatty vole-in-a-pipe is my favourite...

***

Inge Mobile Blog - Scandinavian graphic designer.

A bit like Nicole Mobile Blog - Nicole (another graphic designer) is currently moving from Amsterdam, Netherlands to Adelaide, Australia with boyf Vincent. Farewell Nicole and Vincent and good luck... I'm sure she will continue blogging from Down Under...

***

American "fall" is so much more colourful than our British autumn... clickonthis&havealook... am I right?

***

"Out the Corner of my Eye" ~ http://chunkyd200.blogspot.com ~ wonderful Queensland and sundry photos...

***

Click here for quite a realistic picture of Baby Itchy Robo when her fur's fluffed up...

And another one...

... of Baby Itchy hanging off a bush!

Actually it's a harvest mouse. I'd love pet harvest mice! (Of the micromys minutus Euro-kind)...

***

RIGHT; I have just trawled round Iceland, which is a supermarket for lowerclass and poor people (hence my favourite one!!); where I purchased warming Galaxy drinking chocolate (£1.50) (in preference to unheard-of brand that listed whey powder as chief ingredient) and nibbly strawberry cheesecakes (2 for £1) plus my normal crap. Now I just want to go home and hibernate. Except I can't as I'm supposed to be pinging up the road to such-&-such person's house I don't wanna go I'm too "SAD" as they always say when carbo-bingeing in winter months and excess sleeping (that's me!!) Ho-humm....

25 comments:

Nicole said...

THANK YOU!!! I will keep on blogging! We're actually leaving Amsterdam on 6 November and will be in Kuala Lumpur for four days and arrive in Adelaide 11 November. We'll have a small laptop with us and I'm going to try and blog from Malaysia as well (If we can get internet from our hotel room). We're not too sad about leaving. It's getting colder here all the time and we're looking forward to more space, more sun and friendlier people!

Gledwood said...

;->...

Hash said...

Hey thanks for stopping by. Check out Girraween National Park if you are ever in QLD, amazing place, ants and all.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Ugh, reading that made me feel ill thinking of food.

No.

Wait.

I think it's got something to do with the cream tea I just had.

'scuse me, gotta go barf.

Gledwood said...

HASH: I would love to "drop by" Queensland... but don't think THAT's gonna happen for a while...(!!)

VI VI VOOM!: Go barf away... how can a cream tea make you that ill? Maybe the cream was contaminated...

Brother Dave said...

Snowy shows great talent. I have a feeling that this creature plays in a band, and, as well, sings back-up.

Gledwood said...

V good dancing skills I havta say!

Ropinator said...

Romans spoke Latin and Romanian language has nothing in common with Rome. Roman language is not slavic, it is in the Latin language group, Hungarian is similar to Finnish a bit.

Akelamalu said...

Glad to read you are writing, Sad to hear you have been ringing dealers!

I think the law about people not profitting from their misdeeds refers to dealers not users Gleds. x

Naomi Joy said...

o man did u have to describe that peach cake so well?! It sounds delicious. I desperately want a piece now.

Squamer said...

HAHAHA! Slutshole Ln.! Briliant!

TomCat said...

Hiya Gledwood! Love your vid for the day! Just in time for my lunch!! ;-)

Lebel Journal 2007 said...

yes! it is definitely the vast out doors and this is only a small small part of a huge country.

all new for me

lime said...

ok, now i want some peachy cake! right now!

as for our autumn vs yours i have never been to UK so i can't say, but i do know the colors are what makes me most love the fall. a bright blue sky with puffy white clouds and the range of leaf colros from deep red to blazing orange to golden yellow with a few evergreens toosed in......a lil slice of heaven.

captain corky said...

I've never had peach cake before but it does sound yummy.

Autumn here in Kentucky hasn't been very colorful because there was a drought here this Summer.

Gledwood said...

Ropinator: + Hungarian's meant 2b v difficult (for other Europeans) to learn, too... am I right?

Akelamalu: yeah surely it only refers to serious criminals... I just thought to myself on hearing that news "oh here we go..! Something else to throw a spanner in the works of my life-plans..."

Naomi: I'm wondering what HAPPENED to that peach cake actually. All 8 or so £1.19 slices vanished in less than 12 hours... so either a ladies' teaparty purchased them all... or some exceedingly hungry mice broke in during the night!

Squamer: I couldn't stop laughing at that one... especially when I heard locals had repeatedly petitioned to get it changed and the local council obviously didn't give a ****!!

Gledwood said...

Tomcat: I still like that robovideo where she goes walkes and those squirming red babies come detached all across the floordust...

Lebel: it's a well beautiful country as well...

Lime: probably they will start selling it online by teleport in a few years' time... (if only!)

Corky: Drought? I never had considered that but it would make sense, it would also explain why in America you seem to get scarlet "fall" trees... I've never seen trees go red here the way they do in pictures of America...

Evil Spock said...

Evil Spock needs more shoutouts.

Oh, and your avatar is adorable. I thought I mentioned that in a comment section somewhere . . .

molson said...

Snowy is one seriously high stepping Cockatoo. I wonder how Snowy would get down to 'The Bird' by Morris Day and the Time?

http://www.veoh.com/videos/e1193265MWBH4yb

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I am like you at the computer class ~ I know some things well and some things not at all, so
hope to learn. Vista is the latest program that started with Window, then Windows XP and now Vista. A few
people are not keen on it, but I have no problems. I hope you can convince
yourself to start writing again.
Take care, Regards, Merle.

Gledwood said...

Evil Spock/: That is the last thing I expected to hear from one as throoughly EVIL as you!!

Molson: I never seen a parrot (of any kind) dance, either...

Merle: Yes I started again yesterday... it's just harder now I've got used to an audience e.g here on this blog!

ggirl said...

Mmmmmmm...cake! My favorite thing. I'm happy to hear such great progress is being made with the memoirs.

s.j.simon said...

lol. did you know that chocolate was banned in switzerland for many years. read this

opop said...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood