HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, October 05, 2007

Stopping Forgetting To Stop

MY CONSTIPATION DREAM CAME TRUE THIS MORNING... O! I was shockingly blocked up and had a terrible time... Do you really want to hear this?!? Suffice it to say I did not end up with a dead-eyed dollie lying in the lavvy "pan"...

Yesterday evening I dropped in on an old friend called Rebsie who I used to see all the time. She used to drink really heavily; stopped all together; started again. Has at least managed to stick to normal-strength beer rather than premium cyder (the grot I drink).

Do you know - the puritanical side of me was musing this very morning - that strong white cyder, the cheapest alcoholic drink in this country costs less for 500mls than Coca Cola? This in a country that is supposed to tax alcohol highly, partially as a public health measure...

Anyway I ended up talking about Roborovskis and playing Grand Theft Auto on this £200 white piece of equipment (about the size of a cigarette packet)... with a ten year old girl telling me what to do as I was so lame. After it was revealed I was supposedly driving an ambulance round New York (after I'd stolen it - you can steal any kind of motor vehicle you like, including a motorbike or a police car) I took being in the City of Dreams rather literally and kept asking, "Where's Brooklyn Bridge? Is it that one? And how do I get to Fifth Avenue~?!?" etc, which the kids found rather exasperating. There is aparently a game where you can drive round a realistic replica of London (you'd have to be a much better driver than for New York City as the winding streets are narrower)...

Posh Spice has got a part in one of my supposed best television progs, Ugly Betty. (I really like the space-ship style offices of the magazine company. Also did you know the boss man used to play Jim in Neighbours?) Well anyway I don't watch television any more, except at other people's houses. I've gone all bouregois and twee and intellectual and left Radio 4/BBC World Service switched on 24-7 instead... I can't really put my finger on it what it was about TV I got tired of... I suppose nothing really grabbed me any more...

Did I have something else to say? I feel like I did. But it's gone! O! I'm giving up drugs tomorrow!! How could I forget that? Oh I know how: because every single time I've made the attempt in the past I've fallen directly down on my face. Usually straight away.

I had an emergency appointment with the duty worker at the drugs clinic yesterday as my script had run out and I'd no methadone for that day. So I saw this very down to earth non-nonsensical middle aged lady who informed me I was merely wasting my money by using and that it's the addict in me who keeps telling me I can't do it, I can't live a day without a jab (or ten) from a needle, that if I do stop I will feel better not worse.

I took all this information on board and told her the reservations expressed by the shrink about my picking a day and just stopping from then. (By "stopping" I mean ceasing using (heroin) on top of my methadone.) He had cautioned not to put it all onto one day in case it fails... But I see it that, as the saying goes:

If at first you don't succeed; try, try, try again!

As NA point out, you only ever need to do one day at a time. And that is what I was planning on doing. Picking a day on which I would ordinarily have used, then not using on that day. And not using the next day. And the next. And so on. I have after all managed to stop crack by exactly the same method. And if you do fall down you pick yourself up, dust yourself down and keep going. It doesn't really matter as long as you don't change direction.

So that is my plan, starting tomorrow!

***

Video1:
Pet Shop Boys: West End Girls
- this song has hardly aged (to me) in the 22 years since it was released... Oh what a contrast between the music of the 60s and the 80s when I was in my youth! The 1960s felt like an entirely different era. The 1980s are simply a low-tech less hypocritical version of today...

Video2:
Pet Shop Boys - So Hard


***

Photoblog choices of the day
http://shinchua.blogspot.com - Tibet photos
http://mielikuvitusmasentuu.blogspot.com - misty atmospheric Finland photos
http://photonodie.blogspot.com - brilliant illusionist's photos from France...

***

Joke of the day. I found this at Scroblene's blog under the heading

Old/new ones are best department...


A Polish chap went to apply for a driving licence.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish chap replied, "I know the guy."

***

Here is a fascinating post about life in Norway 25 years ago (by a guest blogger) at Sicily Scene whilst Welshcakes is away

35 comments:

AintNeverScared said...

Here's something funny...when I was a teeny-bopper I wrote a fan letter to a magazine called "Bop" in the U.S. regarding the Pet Shop Boys and my undying love for them. ANd the mag printed it and even illustrated it. Could any 12-year-old girl be more proud?!

AintNeverScared said...

And PS...I don't get Grand Theft Auto either. Where is the City of Dreams supposed to be then? NOT NYC?

Gledwood said...

City of Dreams if Not New York: I really don't know... I was only interested in exploring the town not dodging cars... why don't they ever make exploration games? I was fascinated by the grass verges and kept driving along them, then I said can I go in that water... and DID and got awfully WET and died haha!

AintNeverScared said...

Awesome! I got your comment on my blog...if you don't mind elaborating...my shrink is definitely not the superiority-complex type at all. So you think I'm just transferring my feelings onto him?

Ipi said...

Greetings from Finland!
Thank you for visiting my blog :)

Nicole said...

Good luck tomorrow then! I know you can do it!

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Best of luck with your plan - I hope it works for you.
Thanks for your comments about my flowers. Take great care, Kind regards, Merle.

merle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
gledwood said...

Ain'tNever: O I don't know about that; let me examine the evidence again! ...

Ipi: Your photos were amazing seriously... (I mean ARE amazing, duh...)

Nicole: Do you know what, I know it too (for once) ;->...

Merle: I bloody well hope so, too!

Gledwood said...

That wasn't Merle who said those things it was me but how do I delete the comment? I know I can... HOW HOW HOW?!?

Gledwood said...

it's ok i just clicked on the dustbin next to it... knew there had to be a simple way just couldn't remember how...

Akelamalu said...

Good joke Gleds.

I am so pleased to hear that you are stopping the drugs tomorrow. One day at a time is all it takes. xx

zen wizard said...

This videos look KINDA dated--but as I recall they were cutting edge when they came out.

The music holds up pretty well.

RUTH said...

Is there a Freudian connection between you choosing a song called So Hard and your constipation :o)
Rx

gledwood said...

Akelamalu: I am half dreading it already: I have such an appauling track record... then again as they say there's no time like the present (or tomorrow!)

Zen Wizard: the video - o yeah! I thought the music sounds pretty now... though I suppose they would "remix" it before rerelease

Ruth: very much so!

Ropinator said...

Here you can get beer without alcohol, so she could drink it.

Gledwood said...

Wouldn't see the point!!

Tama said...

Hi Gledwood! you wrote something in my blog two weeks ago...and I just see it!
I'm spanish, I can't speak a good english but I trie to defend me with the languaje. You asked me about if I can speak "deutsch", at the moment... ich kann nicht sprechen kain deutsch, aber Ich habe deutsh lernen... ;) in fact, I'm studing in Germany this year so I have to learn german if I want to pass my course...Do you study german too?
And yes... the multicoloured house of my picture is a german house, the "RIZZI House" in Braunschweig, you can see it(and you have more information abut this)in: http://www.rizzi-haus.de/
Thanks for visit my blog, I think your blog is so complete.
Woher kommst du??
greetings...
TAMA

Tama said...

Hi Gledwood! you wrote something in my blog two weeks ago...and I just see it!
I'm spanish, I can't speak a good english but I trie to defend me with the languaje. You asked me about if I can speak "deutsch", at the moment... ich kann nicht sprechen kain deutsch, aber Ich habe deutsh lernen... ;) in fact, I'm studing in Germany this year so I have to learn german if I want to pass my course...Do you study german too?
And yes... the multicoloured house of my picture is a german house, the "RIZZI House" in Braunschweig, you can see it(and you have more information abut this)in: http://www.rizzi-haus.de/
Thanks for visit my blog, I think your blog is so complete.
Woher kommst du??
greetings...
TAMA

YellowRose said...

Hi, thanks for stopping by today. As for how to get your own .com, Wordpress is what I use and I had someone design my blog for me specially. There is a link at the bottom of my page to her site. Hope this helps!

Merle said...

Hi again Gleds ~~ Well, I B. hope all is going well for you. You are too
intelligent to let heroin rule your life forever. Take charge, Man !!
Thanks for comments. It sure isn't good that all those other countries pay lower wages than our countries do and so we lose all our jobs. Take great care Gleds. Best Wishes, Merle.

Deb said...

I like the joke gled.

My son's gone through every "GTA" (as it's called here).

He's now into Halo 3 and has gone right through that one. He gets all the new games, shuts himself in his room for day and comes out when he's finished them.

I like your matter of fact attitude about quitting. And, as you said, if you have a fall just start again. Keep moving forward.

I'm pulling for you.

Deb said...

*should've read "for dayS"

Josie said...

I thought for sure you were going to say that cheap alcohol cured your "stopped up" problem. I waited... and waited... but you didn't go there.

Good luck tomorrow. Well, I guess it's today there now, isn't it? Well, good luck. Keep us posted.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Hey, I'm an aussie, so of course I knew about Jim from neighbours (I still watch it regularly, it's how I touch base with home!)

Thanks for bringing back memories posting the pet shop boys!

And best of luck with giving up.

As you said one day at a time.

Bimbimbie said...

So now that it's "tomorrow" I hope today is "the" day for you *!*

Anonymous said...

Gled~
Indeed, stop forgetting. Good Luck.

Love your robbies(sp?)Quicky little dingers make some fun, aye? Thank you for sharing them and for all the other sharing, for that matter. Your openness is astounding.

Prob'ly more folks than you can even fathom are pulling for you today. Be well.

peace-love,
nik

Liz said...

Oh do it, Gleds. we're behind you and praying for you and sending you love. x

Anonymous said...

Tama: aus London!

gledwood said...

Tama: aus London!

Yellowrose: thanks for telling me that. I wanted to start up an author blog once I have got a deal for my book (OK: if and when that ever happens but not to be pessimistic..!)... so a nice site like yours called blahblah dot com would be really nice. I spose that is really complicated designing the blog though?~??

Merle: I know something to do with different countries' different wages is hiking the value of certain currencies and devaluing others... also our economy shouldn't need it I think we are weakening ourselves and don't even see it...

gledwood said...

Debs: that's a huge reason why I don't bother with computer games... except Nokia "bounce" which I mastered on boring bus rides up to town and back... computer games are a MASSIVE WASTE OF TIME I would rather write memoirs in that time (call me old fashioned...)

Josie: aparently if you REALLY drink too much you get chronic diarrhoea! But that hasn't happened to me...

:

gledwood said...

Vi Vi: you're from Down Under..? Wow, so you will get all my Prisoner Cell Block H references too ;->...

Bimbimbie: tomorrow is now actually what am I saying yet another tomorrow I have sweated about a bucket today

Nik: Those furry gremlins have moved house into their holiday gite (for weekends only) it has two wheels; one on a turret...

gledwood said...

Liz: I think I will need the power of God to succeed. But the power of God created me and you and all the roborovskis in the world so miracles are never too far away

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood