HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Sullen Sunday (Again)

I WOKE THIS MORNING FROM A DREAM INVOLVING LOTS OF COMPLICATED ARCHITECTURE (I very often dream of buildings, I don't know why) and a drugs deal that left me with all the money in my pocket that I would have spent, plus all the drugs because the dealer gave them away free (only in a dream!) Then I woke up in a forlorn mood and close to tears because Daniel Day Lewis's mother was on Desert Island Discs reminiscing about World War II and I don't know it somehow crisscrossed in with my low mood. Then I tried to do various things involving a spot of tidying up etc and gave up exhausted, then realized I really was still depressed. Eventually two and a half hours later I plucked up the energy to go to Mother Hubbard's house where I cheered up (or to put it another way my inner feelings were masked) by lots of other people plus her glowing bright television. I don't have TV any more as I decided it was the devil's work some time ago...

I did however encounter a picture of Baby Itchy Roborovski in the Sunday People which made me perk up.

Only two apartments were available in Ontario Tower from the first website I called up. A one-bed on the 3rd floor and a studio on the 19th. I would so much rather live 19 floors up! Facing the bright lights of Canada Square... wow. You can actually see the Sunday People newspaper offices from there. They are about half way up the "Canary Wharf Tower" (proper address: 1 Canada Square).

Well I had better ping. Time is low as always.

Song of the day: A-ha The Sun Always Shines on TV

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

OK it was a Porkshire Terrier but they look practically the same when Itchy has wet fur...

Brother Dave said...

The Sun Always Shines On TV. An interesting music-video.

Bimbimbie said...

Glad to see Baby Itchy is getting out and about and being seen about town;)

....sometimes we need those down days to take stock and appreciate our sunnier days more.

Make sure you do something creative with your time away from the computer this week *!*

Liz Hinds said...

You're not missing anything not having a television - except the rugby.

Don't discard the trip to Spain even if it doesn't seem relevant. Keep it and decide when you've finished what will go in and what won't. Or how much of each episode needs to be in the final book. And don't ever throw it away completely because it could be the base for something entirely different.

Oh look the sun's coming out! I hope it's shining on you too and helping lift the depression. I'd send you one of my happy pills if I didn't need them myself.

Liz Hinds said...

And you never displayed the award I gave you! I can't remember what it was now.

Anonymous said...

Brother Dave: - a-ha!!

Bimbimbie: Itchy got pissed on yesterday and reeks of it. It's because they're sleeping in their wheel they get wee all over them ukk!

Liz: almost definitely the reason I never displayed the award was because I couldn't get the image on my blog. Unless I could just drop it in as html I'd have no idea how to transfer it... sorry ... and the dolts who run this cafe wouldn't piss on me if I was burning, let alone tell me how to operate these damn machines...

Nicole said...

I was also in no mood on Sunday. Even though we got a lot of things done (in regards to our move to Australia), all I wanted to do was lie on the couch and watch TV and dream the afternoon away, but fat chance.

Whitenoise said...

Hope you're feeling better, Gled. Autumn's sort of a gray, introspective time, innit?

BTW, if you want to put a loc beside my link- "No Fixed Address" would be more appropriate than "USA" (Although I spend a lot of time in America, I'm not American...)

Unknown said...

I heard people dreams about things that bothers them during the day.

Gledwood said...

Whitenoise: a-ha!

Ropinator: hmmm: and I'm bothered in the day by my dreams!!

Anonymous said...

I vote for the 19th floor, too.

Anonymous said...

Actually I just found out there's a "far taller" tower planned for next door. As long as that has a swimming pool and room service, I think I'll go for the Penthouse Sweet atop that!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood