HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Scaredy Morsel No Gear Dark Early Day

FIRST OFF: I scared poor Baby Itchy by calling him/her "a furry morsel" and pointing out there wasn't much for an owl to eat "and if he caught you and gobbled you down he'd have to fly off and catch another one;" Itchy was terribly afrighted by this and has gone in hiding in a toilet roll tube... ooer.

... But the broccoli trees are still standing despite frequent nibbles.

MY DEALER TOLD ME HE HAD SOLD OUT OF HEROIN. I was in a dismal mood after this. Nothing except my own abstinence is allowed to come between me and my drugs. So I took out all my gear spoons - all eight of them - and got cooking and swishing with lots of water at the stuck-on brown bits round the sides (these are disposable cooking-up devices from the needle exchange - like miniature frying pans the size of 10p pieces)... the resulting brandy coloured "hit" put me in a good mood for some of the afternoon and I did 2 pages of writing. Then I rang again. No answer (=no news= bad news) so in the end I phoned someone else who was alleged to have ripped my friend Pascal off by charging £20 for £5 worth then running away but I got money's worth. I desperately opened the bag and sniffed - yes the smell of real "gear" came to my nose. Such scurrilous stories. Anyway this one doesn't like Pascal as Pascal's rude to him. Though he was a bit dur earlier when I called around 2pm he said "well I'm at community service can you come down to-" then I got cut off and called back to some baby crying on the answer phone (they all have babies - maybe that's why they need so much money..?) Anyway I'm fine now...

What differing responses I got to the Stats post. From "I check mine religiously every day" to "I really couldn't give a flying ..." The only thrill I get is knowing people in vastly distant parts of the world can read my ramblings... and I don't even know who most of those people are!

Poor Britney Spears has lost custardy of her babies. Poor cow. I've never seen a "star" go down the toilet as publicly or as quickly as her... I wonder what shall become of her?

It's getting dark exceedingly early these days... half past six and skies are mirksome... ten to seven and night has fallen already... Winter is on it's way. I think this year's will be a harsh one with Siberian temperatures and Xmas snow... (that's what I'm hoping at least - I want to make money on a white Christmas bet for once!)

Righty ho! Do take a look at my Desperately Thirsty Giraffe. Have you ever seen anything like that?

Other vid of the day: Upside Down Robos


2 entertaining blogs of the day
http://deitsch-family.blogspot.com - the baby Cameron is so entertaining!
http://tbegoidze.blogspot.com - surreal pixx - and isn't Georgian writing the second funkiest in the world..? (After Burmese.)...


I've been researching the supposed royalty rates I should get on hardback, paperback, etc.
The first book I consulted was right the typical top paperback rate is indeed 10% of cover price.
The typical top hardback rate is 15% of cover price.

Of course they don't always publish first time authors in hardback at all... which is a ****er but there you go.

Then again I've always had a pretty good feeling about my writing that if only I could get it into print it would do pretty well.

A certain member of my family always winds me up by suggesting I should e-publish online and that people would pay to read my stuff on screen... I really can't see this and considering how few hits you get on a blog compared to the one billion potential readers I think I'm right in wanting to go the traditional route of approaching a good agent and getting a good international publisher to do all that hard work for me. The way I see it: writing is an art; publishing is a business. You publish to make money or you're a fool!

PS One rate I could not find was the one you ought to get on translations... after all Agatha Christie, for example sold half her books in English, half in 40 other languages. Does anyone reading this know the right percentages? I tried googling them to no avail...


Tea N. Crumpet said...

Do you write better when you are high? I cannot fathom wanting the high so badly. Do you like it, hate it, or is it is what it is?

I think that Britney Spears has complications from untreated PPD. She needs to chill, meditate, eat well and allow herself to get a little fat, then after her body goes to normal and she can be happy being 130 pounds and still love herself, decide what she needs to change. I have a huge family and having babies is hard on the body. Hollywood wants to act like having a child won't slow them down. But it should. It's traumatic. I look great post partum, but my husband and older children helped to take care of me and I had no crazy schedule. Britney cannot imagine life without her paparazzi. She got popular right before the internet-- that's like imagining life without the internet.

M- Filer said...

This was a bit of a flash back for me. At first it made me angry, then it made me envious, then it made me grateful. Wow. I know of no one who is chronichling their life quite like you are, or living it quite like you are. Thanks for taking me along for the ride. I am fascinated.

Deb said...

Brittney's poor babies...I think it's time she took motherhood seriously and grew up. You don't get a second chance and she's missing alot.

Ooooh dear - that giraffe video!

Did you know giraffes love frozen waffles? I took some to the zoo once and they followed me everywhere after I fed them a bit. :)

Puss-in-Boots said...

I'm glad I'm not a giraffe...

As for Britney...too much too soon equals unable to handle it.

As for publishing in different languages...I have never thought of that...you do look ahead, I don't. Whatever...I'm sure you'll do very well, especially with the subject matter.

Take care.

Lee said...

It never ceases to amaze me that those with questionable "talent" who somehow have made millions of dollars so easily squander it away, while there are others who battle day to day just to survive. I've no pity for Britney Spears. She's lost the plot...and so have her parents, I believe as they seem not to care what happens to her.

Sabine said...

regarding publishing - if you don't manage to clinch a deal - have you considered self-publishing on http://www.lulu.com/? Books are printed on demand, i. e. as they are ordered - and it won't cost you a penny! ;)

I have used lulu.com with my first novel, and it worked a charm, although I must admit that I didn't exactly get rich...

Nicole said...

Gled, I'm having increasing difficulties in reading the blog because all the videos are so in the way. It makes the page load slow and then I have to go past the video jungle to see the new post. I think your blog is entertaining enough without all the videos. That's my two cents worth.

Have you ever thought of publishing with someone like Lulu?


I haven't read all their info properly yet, but it's an option you can consider.

Nicole said...

Doh! I just noticed that Sabine above me already wrote the Lulu link... sorry for the double up. I'm at work and didn't read through all the comments.

Liz said...

Do you know, I was thinking that last night: it gets late early these days. I'm sure it didn't used to happen so quickly. Do you think it's global warming?

I've just noticed someone said about the videos. I don't know if it's the videos causing the problem but you've made me freeze a couple of times. I'm typing frantically to get it in before my puta stops working now!

gledwood said...

Tea n Crumpets: well it's rather obvious; high = happy everyone wants to be happy that's why I wanted the "high" what paltry pittance there is of it left...

MadonnaFiler: no-1 else chronicles their life quite like I do..? I am flattered.
Plus slighty irritated when I think how crap the other junkies are. They're terribly bad at telling anything... I couldn't believe how inept they were at explaining to me even something as simple as how rehab worked

Debs: Surely the K-Fed scumbag's just in it for the child support $$$s

gledwood said...

Puss-in-Boots: Oh yeah I definitely look ahead in that respect... I suppose the outlook comes from my 6 or 7 years of German.. and knowing the German bestsellers list is made almost exclusively of American and British books in translation! The German book market is also bigger than that in Britain and I supposedly speak German so I'd be up for promoting the book there, if the occasion arose...

Lee: Oh no! I was reading about Britney's mum supposedly going bananas with worry over her daughter; only Britney has cut her off and so there's nothing at all her mother can do...

Sabine: Is your name pronounced "Za-bee-nah"? Every Sabine I've known has pronounced the name like that... but most WERE Germans...
I would definitely look into self-publishing if only I had the money... I would want the book in little cute hardbacks that you could charge £20 for then give a massive discount "only £12"...

gledwood said...

Nicole: I definitely want to go to a proper agent and get a multinational corporation to publish if I possibly can - as I said writing is an art, publishing a business and I would want my book exploited to the fullest commercial potential as long as I get my full fair share!
Having said that if it doesn't get picked up I will write something else and keep the memoirs in the can... I might selfpublish with something like Lulu; on the other hand I might just save the memoirs till later... anyway I shouldn't be talking like this as I'm SURE the publishers of the world will sweep me off my feet with offers once they get their heads round my fantastic tales!

Liz: I'm going to take lots of the video screens down later today as they hold up for me as well... I end up with a screen full of empty spaces...

Nicole: I had never heard of Lulu until yous two mentioned it earlier I am fascinated as to what they provide...

Sabine said...

Yes, my name's pronounced in 3 syllables - though most people get the final "e" wrong. But then, none of them are German... *grin*

Regarding lulu.com - you should really check it out. It won't cost you a single penny, and yes, if only one book is ordered, then only one book is printed. I started out by ordering just 3 copies of my first book. And I tell you, it was wonderful!! :) You can even just set the whole thing to "private" so only you can see (and buy) it!

Diesel said...

I self-published my first book, and so far I've made just enough to pay for the ISBN number.

gledwood said...

Sabine: I'm just about to pop over right now...

Diesel: did you (or Sabine) try publishing the "traditional" method first?

Gledwood said...

Come to think of it - how many published writers there ARE out there!!

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood