HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Raw Peanuts Monday Mourning

RIGHTY-HO, I'm sat here with my new favourite snack of raw peanuts and Bashful, Itchy and Spherical are drowsing in their toilet tubes and it's plunging into deep autumn. Always my favourite time of year though I know lots of people who hate it (strangely all for the same reason: because they once lost someone at this time of year). And I'm down and depressed as well. Wasn't even up for writing yesterday, which I think is a really sappy thing to do as there's no excuse in the world for not writing. A professional writes every day no matter how "uninspired" they might tell themself they feel. Wasn't it Trollope who said, "I only write when inspired. And I make sure inspiration strikes at 9am sharp every morning!" I'm definitely with Trollope on that one though if I churned out a slew of world-slayingly dullard novels about boring clergy in catatonic middle England as a result I would surely commit suicide.... Still I am coughing and spluttering from last week. Mother Hubbard told me "it's never as bad as it seems" this morning. I don't know why she thought I was depressed. Usually I could chop my head off and play football in the street with it until any of my friends would spot anything unusual about me, but hey...

***

Video of the day:
1. music:
Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love
2. other:
Cancer Research Ad: Fields of Gold

***

PS Click to see a recent picture of the fully-grown-up Baby Itchy!

OK, fair do's; that's a capybara, the world's largest rodent. But it does look like Baby Itchy now that she's officially "gynormous"...

***

Blog recommendations of the day:
Perceptions http://villagerinsrilanka.blogspot.com ~ life of a Sri Lankan farmer...

Weird Fascinating Stuff http://weirdfascinatingstuff.blogspot.com ~ psychotic squirrel terrorizes Germans!

Appalacian Mountain Trails - fall colors! http://jlivingstonjr.blogspot.com

***

Baby Itchy Gallery.


Click and scroll down for some exceedingly entertaining Baby Itchy Roborovski pictures from before she was practically hippo-size.

OK admittedly they belong to someone else who says their hamster "has to be kept with the same high security as a serial killer on vacation" but it does look pretty much the same as poor Baby Itchy...

Actually, here's their original quote:

Our Roborovski hamster is quite shy and runs like the wind on a windy day. He has escaped a few times but now, he is handled with equivalent security to a serial killer on a school trip to the seaside - but with lots of love as well.

24 comments:

Gigibird said...

Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog:)
I have the same personality as you but I am drug free and have a rodent phobia! ( well I don't like them living in my baking drawer!)
Sorry to read you suffer from migraines.....

Gledwood said...

hopefully migraine=never again
as for mice in the baking drawer..(!?!)
when I was four my invisible friend "Mousey" used to live in the oven and my Mum had to check he'd come out before she ever plonked cakes or pies or bread rolls in there!

Audrey said...

You do sound low Gleds, but then the flash of brilliance is never far away......."a slew of world-slayingly dullard novels about boring clergy in catatonic middle England " This had me laughing out loud.:) and as for the picture of Itchy....OMG

Bleeding love, bleeding colds, bleeding everything.... Think she is going to be a big star..Leonna Lewis and perhaps even Itchy

Take care and keep writing even if you dont feel inspired, difficult but your story is worth it x Auds

Marty said...

Oy vay, how do you feed him???

You're right about the autumn and depression due to loss. But it isn't necessary; I lost a best friend and left two ex's in autumn, for example, but still love the crisp air and the changing colours of the leaves.

Remember the song "The Windmills of Your Mind"? It's about love lost in autumn. I love the line "That the autumn leaves were turning to the color of her hair".

Akelamalu said...

Love the Leona Lewis video and song, it's the first time I've heard it.

Get writing Gleds! x

Gledwood said...

Audrey: which picture of Itchy? You mean the really gynormous one? That's nearly how big she is now... she has to be restrained from savaging next door neighbour's pitbull (haha if only!! ;->...)

Marty: what do I feed Baby Itchy? Raw peanuts, hammy mix, rice crispies, bread rolls, bits of broccoli, bits of cheese ...

Hey you just reminded me to post up that song Fields of Gold. Which I really like!

Akelamalu: it's OK isn't it... I've only seen it once myself. It has yet to grow on me...

zen wizard said...

Here's my definition of autumn: It's the season when God gives you free air conditioning.

A highly underrated season--in fact, it's the only Vivaldi season I can't whistle, so even HE underrated it.

gledwood said...

Very well defined, Zen Wiz!

zennist said...

Yes, writing every day is an excellent discipline, but I'm a firm believer in cutting yourself some slack, Gleds. See? You're already back to writing. ;-) Have an excellent, non-depressing day (from a sufferer of Seasonal Affective Disorder lol!)

Bimbimbie said...

... wasn't grabbed by the Bleeding Love song

but the cancer ad, got to me, simple but very powerful.

.... you're going to have stop feeding Baby Itchy those peanuts, how on earth is Itchy going to fit in those toilet tubes *!*

Marty (the Chipper One) said...

Oh, I forgot to tell you: you've been tagged ... IF (and only if) ou can correctly identify the German actress in my video link!

Keshi said...

raw peanuts? dun think I'd like em :)

Keshi.

RUTH said...

I blame the low light levels and the government ...LOLHave you seen Icarus's answer to your comment on his Time & Word blog. You'll find it on this blog http://theflamesofeden.blogspot.com/
Rx

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

Well finally after the unpteenth time trying to load the comment page and it not coming up blank...I made it :) Hope you`re feeling better. Baby itchy is so sweet LOL I`ve read one of Anthony Trollopes books....forget which now though....

tea
xo

Kahshe Cottager said...

I am back in Blogland again and feeling web-deprived after being out of contact with the webworld for over a week!

Thanks for all of your visits and comments while I was away. Love, love your blogger icon. So cute!!!

I like the fall weather - the air here always seems so much fresher and I can enjoy the sunshine without getting too hot. But I don't like that fall means winter is coming. Hate the snow!

I'm off to finish reading what you have been doing while I was away!

Cheers..

Liz said...

I misread your first sentence and thought it said your favourite snack was raw peanuts and Bashful. Are you sure it's not the raw peanuts that depress you? They would depress me.

Gledwood said...

Zennist: Hopefully I have NOT got winter affective thang...

Bimbimbie: I know; I will eat all those peanuts then EYE shan't be able to fit in a toilet tube any longer... poor Baby Itchy she's gynormous already, the swine... rightty-ho then...

O yeah I was wondering what else I had to say: I wasn't too much into that Bleeding Love song, either. I thought Leona Lewis really had something, but they seem intent on just making her an averageoid midlantic mariah carey esque singer... NOT for me, I'm afraid...

Marty/Chipper: hang on let me have a look AT that videolink...

Keshi: raw peanuts are rather pleasant, serioulsy! !!

Gledwood said...

Ruth: no I'm not sure I HAVE seen Icarus's answer to me on that time and the word blog let me view it presently!!

Tea-&-Margaritas: I don't know why the problems with t'page loading... hang on let me ponder why.... hangon what did you say TROLLOPE? ukk! i always assumed people said "what a load of old trollope" as his books were trollope too!

Kahshe: enjoy!

Liz! No raw peanuts do not depress me! They are quite fantastic!

Gledwood said...

Wow! Isn't my "avatar" a furry little entertainer!!

sKILLz said...

Wow you have the cutest lil furry guys! I love them and wish I could have them, but right now I cant.
I have a pit bull thats still a puppy and I think he wouldnt understand that the lil furry guy is not his lunch.

I answered you question on my blog where you posted but I will answer it here as well.
when I say dope I mean heroin.
Thanks for posting on my blog and dont be a stranger.

Gledwood said...

OK seems I made the right lucky guess!!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Aah, hopw you feel better, Gleds. 'Tis the autumn blues. DO NOT CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood