HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Slap-Bang WALLOP <(;->...

OK SO THE INEVITABLE HAS HAPPENED. How long I was going to stay illicit-drug clean... who knows? It was in my hands only ... My fate remains in my hands only ... Already I am bored with using again. I only used heroin, not crack. Crack I really hope I can say really is in the trashcan of the past...

People keep telling me I have a "needle fixation". This is because I so love pronging metal spears into my body. In fact on on a couple of occasions I remember feeling so enraptured with the process of injecting I actually got more of a buzz out of that than off the heroin. Heroin gets very boring. As I said the other day it is only ever a mild-feeling drug (that's one of the many ways it deceives its users - because it feels far milder than it actually is). And it's a painkiller. So what it does best is removes sensation rather than giving it as other drugs do, e.g. speed, cocaine...

This morning on the Today Programme on Radio 4 an anaesthetist came on to talk about research they're doing into how conscious you actually are when you're too "unconscious" to follow a conversation. (E.g. when you're under a pre-med but haven't been zonked out totally yet by the intravenous infusion.) I have to say I was thinking or "the addict in me was thinking" as the drugs service would have me talk... what a great job that would be, hitting people up with drugs all day, sliding needles in them, knocking them out. I would make a really enthusiastic anaesthetist as I know from experience the great benefits of not feeling anything (aesthetic=Greek feeling; an-aesthetic=not feeling).

Well I'm babbling now and trying to shift focus away from the fact that I've ****ed up yet again. Ho-hum. I am only human.

But hey! Do you like my new hat? <(;->...

***


Today's video
Visage - Fade to Grey
(I purloined this from Crushed by Ingsoc's blog
...)

***

Photo of the day:
Click here to view...


Photo of the day ii:
Ultra red-white-blue - click here to view...

20 comments:

Gledwood said...

note to self:
face in the crowd finland=
http://face-in-the-crowd.blogspot.com/

Gledwood said...

Hey does anyone reading this agree here?

This is something I'm intending to post later::

One point nobody raises about our "surveillance society"... all this databasing and recording and watching and scrutinizing of our population is all well and good in times of peace and under a benign British government. Isn't Britain, after all the home of democracy and free speech?

Imagine just for a moment if this island of ours should become invaded by an enemy power, or if a totalitarian government should gain get in.

EVERYTHING those powers require to keep a population subjugated has ALREADY been done in the name of "crime fighting" and "national security"... don't you see?

Sometimes being anonymous is a good thing, not because it's a licence to go out and commit crimes, but because NOT being anonymous gives those with ill-motives TOO MUCH POWER OVER YOU.

Regine said...

Hello!

Yes, I am writing in Norwegian:)

Regine

Kahshe Cottager said...

Thanks for your note! I do like the way you have changed your sidebar organizing the blogs by country!

I hope today is better for you ... don't let one slip get you down! You have been doing so well!!!!

Your little hammies are getting quite clever!

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ So you stuffed up - so now you have to start again.And maybe the next time will be THE one.
Thanks for your comments - I liked the hell joke too. I didn't know that about a cat purring being a natural ultra sound - but it sounds
as though it could be right. There is a vibration, along with the purr.
Take greater care, my friend. Regards, Merle.

whitenoise said...

Hey Gled. Interesting observation regarding public scrutiny, especially in the UK, home of CCTV cameras every 15 feet.

Love the Visage vid! This has always been one of my favourite '80s songs.

To answer your other question- would rather not be linked to a city on your sidebar. My industry is very small, and I take semi-great lengths to stay anonymous. I don't mind you knowing- maybe I'll send the loc via email, but please don't publish...Thanks!

Akelamalu said...

Today's a new day Gleds, try again. x

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I'd say Crack is worse than heroin.

Literally, instantaneous euphoria, lost in exhalation.

Bimbimbie said...

I love the Visage song - one of my lingering in the memory favs - have to admit when it was released I thought they were singing "picked a grape" lol *!*


err free speech in England? didn't that leave through the back door as the Political Correctness Thugs barged through the front door - I don't know my birth country much these days sadly *(

stylish hat by the way ... and at least you know you stuffed up, that's a good thing surely your not denying the fact *!*

....nearly forgot - redback spiders we don't seem to get them here, but at my last place they were about - I'm sure what your uncle told you was true about the outdoor dunny - check before you sit lol Smiles to you gleds

Bimbimbie said...

..... just saw your Aussie animal bloopers - those "magpie" dancers need all the support they can get *!*

Naomi Joy said...

haha gledwood your too cute! do you like my hat?...that Made me smile!

I can't believe you like needles...man I hate them...and the slicing motion arg arg arg.

sorry I haven't been around much...I'm gonna try and get more active on my blog again. I miss it

Liz said...

Okay so you messed up. So what? You can still do this.

I love your idea about being an anaesthetist. I wonder if all of them are secretly are on some kind of high when they're ramming people full of needles and drugs. I shall look at peope who take blod in a different light in future.

Audrey said...

I had to smile when I read this about our surveillance society. Today I was informed by my manager I will have to undergo a risk assessment as I gained myself a speeding fine a year ago and as part of the disclosure policy I am duty bound to inform my employers of this, despite the fact that I am not allowed to use my car as part of my work..Gosh do I feel like a criminal. Makes me wonder how far things will go in the future.

I remember giving my first injection during my nurse training, but nervous to say the least and my daughter has to inject drugs for her arthritis every couple of days, I still wince at the thought, Im not very good with needles, would rather have a baby lol.

As for the lapse dont be too despondent it is after all a lapse thats all, as you said pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again, its a new day

Yes I love the hat...very creative..lol

Brother Dave said...

Hey Gleds… do not be hard on yourself over lapsing. Deep down you know that you shall actually make it. The timing has to be right. Be patient with the process.

Yes, great hat. (It is a "party hat," right?) :-)

gledwood said...

Regine: I do apologize, I thought you were Danish! Landsmal or Bokmal?

Kahshe: they are VERY inquisitive. E.g. if you put something new in their domain rather than frustratingly not seeming to notice it for AGES and AGES as per normal hamsters they go STRAIGHT UP TO IT and start investigating which I find really entertaining

Merle: I will have to take more care you are right. I think in future I'm only going to tell I've done it after the fact rather than boasting "this is what I am going to do"... that makes sense, right?

gledwood said...

Whitenoise: that's fair enough I will just put "American skies" or something similar...

Akelamalu: aye! You're right there!

Crushed by...: It is certainly stronger. But easier to get your head round. Because it goes UP... DOWN. Heroin gets under your skin and stays there...

gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: I bet we have had this conversation before... I thought you were a pom but then again I assume all Aussies are ex-poms... I was nearly born a £10 pom... did you know that (bet I told you that before as well haha ;->...)

Naomi: the needles thing is only an aquired thing... a perversion, if you will...

Liz: a bloodtaker (far as I know) is a phlebotomist.... and need only be a nurse (so I could quite easily become one if they forgave me my former addiction) whereas an anaesthetist is a fully qualified dr with a penchant for... well... knocking people out!!

I'm sure there are quite a few ex-junkies working in "phlebotomy"... it really wouldn't surprise me... I've heard all sorts of tales about e.g. acupuncturists being similar...

gledwood said...

Audrey: an IV injection is far more nerveracking than an IM/SC... you know what I mean... the latter two it doesn't really matter if you move the needle whereas a vein is like a tube that it must stay within!

Being experienced with insulin syringes now I dont really understand what diabetics complain about... so what about the odd bruise if it's keeping you alive. A diabetic type injection is so VERY easy to do there really is no need for fuss, seriously.

Rather have a baby: don't LOL about THAT!!

As for surveillance I think we could be setting ourselves up for something nasty...

Dave: a party hat? Definitely. I wouldn't be seen dead in a hat like that normally.

Well I HOPE I shall make it. It is hard fighting against your own brain and body. Because that is what the drugs adhere to...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood