HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Who Was Your Favourite Bear?

WE ALL HAD OUR FAVOURITE BEAR WHEN WE WERE LITTLE. The bears I'm thinking of were of a specifically literary kind. My fave was Rupert Bear when I was younger; the illustrations were magical and you got a choice - the story was told both in verse and prose. Rupert Bear was a white bear who always wore tartan trousers (though his fur was, slightly confusingly, always brown on the cover). The books I'm talking of were actually "annuals" published for Christmastime, for Rupert appeared (and to the best of my knowledge still does appear) daily in the Daily Express newspaper. But the daily Rupert fix you get there is so paltry only genuine addicts need apply. Best wait for the annual and read the stories in one go! Rupert has a habit of finding magic carpets, shoes, stones, gizmo devices invented by the Einsteinian local professor or belonging to the father of the local Chinese girl ... man! I've forgotten her name... what was it Tiger Lilly maybe... anyway he ends up in each story flying, transported to 1950s style spice islands (darling, when we still had an Empire!) or else kidnapped by elves, in Santa's grotto or jailed by icicles in Jack Frost's lair... oh! The magic of childhood!

Original Rupert Books from the 1950s and so on, are so sought-after they are genuine collectors' items, fetching literally hundreds of pounds if in good condition...

When I got older I "adapted" to Paddington Bear... him of the marmelade sandwiches fame, who wore dufflecoat and a battered top hat. An immigrant from "Darkest Peru" he was discovered by the Brown Family lost forlorn in Paddington Station (hence his name) with a sign round his neck "please look after this bear". The best characters were no-nonsensical Mrs Bird the "housekeeper" (terribly 1950s, yet again!) and Mr Curry the hateful neighbour who always called Paddington "Bear!" The best story is probably Paddington's home decorating escapade when he wallpapers himself so thoroughly into his room there is no door.... One time I was reading this book, aged about 8, when my mother suddenly appeared at the door with a bucket. I had been laughing so hard she thought I was being sick..!

I never really got on with Winnie the Poo (come on - how did A A Milne get away with such a rude name?!?)... or any other Bear of Note...(the names escape me!)...

Now roll up, come on, this is my daily "meme": Who was YOUR Personal Bear..?

***

Video of the Day:
Big Bang and Creationism ... purloined from "Rob 3:25am" blog ... and yes! I'm a Creationist, too!

41 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Rupert was my favourite.

Do you know Rupert the Bear's middle name?

A: THE

That whale looks like a dolphin to me! ?:(

PS I've posted another Nursery Rhyme Quiz today if you fancy a go. :)

Gledwood said...

Yeah ~ Rupert Rules!

That nursery rhyme quiz will take SOME thought... which I'm not entirely sure I'm capable of!! But I'll try!...

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

I either can't remember, of didn't have one. How sad is that?

Gledwood said...

Didn't you have a famous Aussie bear? Or a bear famous in Aus? Surely...?

Carver said...

Hey Gledwood,

Mine was Winnie the poo although Eeyore was my favorite character in the book. I also like Smoky the Bear who was a forest ranger and used for a fire safety ad campaign in the U.S. Thanks for visiting.

Gledwood said...

That Forest Ranger could have done with giving good ole California a good visiting before last week!! Coulda talked some sense into a few of them ARSONISTS...

lime said...

i have to admit i was a real fan of winnie the poo. i loved the gentle affection between poo bear and christopher robin.

there was also a tc show wehn i was young called gentle ben. ben was a massive bear who had a relationship with a homesteader. there was also a rambunctious little cub called snitch. my brother named his teddy bear snitch after the cub on the show.

of course growing up where there is a proliferation of actual wild black bears i was always rather fond of the real bears too. we'd go to my aunt's house in the mountains and watch the bears come into the yard to eat the suet my uncle tied in the trees for them.

Gledwood said...

They genuinely love honey too, don't they?!?

I find wild bears so entertaining. They look like massively overgrown tubby hamsters!!

Brother Dave said...

I always wondered if the "big bang" was noisy. (If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one there, does it make a crashing sound?)

Seriously, I believed that it was actually the "big flash." Now we learn it was the "expansion."

Just imagine, billions of stars in our galaxy. Billions of galaxies in our universe. An open-ended, expanding universe. w0w!

Our moon is moving away from the earth at a rate of about 1 inch per year. Maybe this is part of the "expanding universe" phenomenon. Maybe not.

The earth's rotation is slowing as well. One hundred years from now, the day will be 2 milliseconds longer than it is now. We all shall have atomic clock watches by then, so no resetting.

I realize that atomic clock watches exist today. I suspect they will be the only type available on the market in years to come.

OK… nuff said. ;-)

gledwood said...

Yeah sure enough there was no noise if there was no-one to hear it!!

Kahshe Cottager said...

Did you know about the Canadian connection to Winne The Pooh? There was a bear in the London Zoo named Winnipeg - more affectionately known as Winnie. You can read more about this if you like at: Winne The Pooh I actually read (badly!!! LOL) some of the latin version "Winnie Ille Pu" when I was in highschool latin class.

I loved my Punkinhead which was first put out by Eaton's department store in 1948 but isn't known as much today. You can see his picture here: Punkinhead

jmb said...

Gledwood I don't remember having a favourite bear it's so long ago but I have had two dogs named after Winnie the Poo characters. One was Kanga (well I am Australian you know) and the other Tigger.
Have a good weekend Gleds

Gledwood said...

Kahshe: Winnipeg the Bear = Winnie the Poo... where did the Poo come from ?? - don't say outta da bum anyone puh-lease!

JMB: I was going to call my Spherical robo Piglet as she's so tubby ... (!)

Nicole said...

I didn't grow up with any of those because television was limited where I came from and later on when I was in Germany I used to watch Grizzly Adams and he lived in the mountains with his bear called Ben. So I'd have to say Ben from Grizzly Adams. He was like the Lassie of bears.

studio lolo said...

Good grief, I don't think I had a favorite bear as a kid. We were too poor to own any books, and once I was old enough to borrow from the library I was reading stories for older kids. There's a great book out today called "Zen Shorts." That is one awesome Panda in that book! Oh, and I do have a large stuffed bear which I bought my husband on our first anniversary 20 years ago. His name is Humphrey :)

Gledwood said...

Nicole: The Lassie of Bears~?!? Was he always rescuing trapped children then..??

Lolo: Yeah Panda Bears are the best!

molson said...

I'd have to go with Smokey the Bear. I had a stuffed Smokey the Bear when I was a little ankle biter. I remember he had a ranger hat and a plastic forest ranger badge and wore blue jeans. I think he had a little plastic shovel as well. Remember that Smokey says... "Only you can prevent forest fires." California could sure use some forest fire prevention these days. Sigh.

As far as real bears are concerned, I have encountered them in the wild along the Appalachian Trail. It made me very concerned I can tell you.

Bimbimbie said...

Paddington Bear because he had come from somewhere so far away and exotic, Winnie the Poo for his sighs,
and I quite liked watching Yogi and his little friend Bobo? Later it was Ben from Grizzly Adams.

...big bang and creationism .... to quote a certain singer "I don't subscribe to that point of view"

Lee said...

Now that you ask the question, Gled...I have to answer that I didn't have any favourite bear! Wow! I wonder what that means? ;)

leslie said...

Rupert was my favourite. I remember the book where he was in a garden of yellow primroses - so beautiful. That's when I learned what primroses were. I bought myself a Rupert Bear when I was in England once. (Another time I got Paddington) But my girls' fave was Winnie the Pooh and all his friends.

Gledwood said...

Molson: Smokey Bear? I have never heard of! (Was hoping an American bear would come up though!)... So you're saying being confronted by a wild bear is NOT like meeting an over-sized wild hamster, then...?!?!

Bimbimbie: Aparently (I just found out) I only read about half of the Paddington books... maybe I ought to go hunt the other four or five I didn't read out...

Lee: ... erm, I dunno~?!?

Leslie: Wow I never knew Rupert had gone international ... ('part from his magic carpet etc voyages, of course!)

lime said...

i suppose they like honey too. i knwo for sure they love berries.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I loved Rupert The Bear. In Australia the bear of choice today would be Humphrey B Bear...a mansized bear who sings and dances...yep, for real, and he's not chained to a post and forced to do it, either. He appears at fetes, fairs and on TV quite regularly...a real media tart is Ol' Humphrey B!

M- Filer said...

Oh God, i guess childhood wasn't magical for me in THAT way, the "I have a favorite bear" way. I 'll have to go with Smokey just because...
I did love Batman in a thoroughly un-literary way however.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. I loved Rupert too. Then there was the teddy in "andy Pandy" who looked so cuddly. I've still got my "Fluffy teddy" from when I was a kid.

Gledwood said...

Lime: I've heard the wild bees still sting the bears thru their fur but the bears lurve all that honey so much they just go for it paw-dipping onwards any-hoe!

Pussinboots: I proclaim that Rupert Rules!! (I brought up Rupert's ultra modern fully character-merchandised website. Horrible. Fully horrifically TERRIBLE stuff. He looks so ugly and nothing like the real Rupert who flew to "coon island" etc etc (the hilarious language was something I 4got to mention in my original post...)

Gledwood said...

M-filer: no favourite bear... come ON!!!

Welshcakes: O yeah! I'd 4gotten about Andy Pandy ...

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

So glad Itchy is okay!! I can`t seem to download any pictures on your site. Guess it`s because I have stupid dial up. My favorite bear was Yogi Bear and he had a little bear buddy called Boo Boo. . Not sure if you had him there. He was an American bear, but we got him here in Canada too.

tea
xo

Gledwood said...

Tea and Margs: I don't have pictures as such... only youtube screens... any pictures I do mention you have to click on the relevant word in pink and THAT will take you to the picture in question...

... o yeah I knew Yogi and Boo Boo... BooBoo's such a cute name! We tried to rename our dog that but it never "stuck"...

CrystalChick said...

I used to have a huge bear that hung out in my room for a bit in my teenage years... it was one of those big stuffed things you win at a carnival. I don't think I ever named it tho.
The one bear that has sorta stayed as my constant fav is Winnie the Pooh. But Tigger as in T I double GG R is alot of fun too.

Gledwood said...

I never had Winnie the Poo stuff as a kid... so I never got into it any further than playing "poo sticks" with ice lolly sticks etc off bridges...

Liz said...

My mum used to get the Daily express so I was raised on Rupert. Never really got into Paddington and only enjoyed Pooh when I was older.

Oh, nursery rhyme quiz ...
It looks like these comments are okay and not crashing me now!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I'd say Yogi Bear.

Or Baloo in the Jungle book, with his bare necessities.

Gledwood said...

Liz: glad the comments properly working for you... sometimes I have trouble with other people's blogs that load the sidebars then take AGES for any posting to come out... yours does that in a minor way but (Amazing) Gracie's is something chronic... sometimes it's almost like the computer has crashed and given up...

Ingsoc: The Jungle Book... yeah!
O! I'm the king of the jungle now; the jungle VIP...

grumpygit said...

Fozzie Bear. His jokes are even worse than mine, here's one:
Rowlf: Why don't you wear shoes Fozzie?
Fozzie: Why should I? I'd still have bear feet. Wocka Wocka Wocka!

Hiya Gleds, thanks for dropping by - hope you're keeping well.

Gledwood said...

;->...

I'm not too bad, ta!

Chef Jules said...

Gled I was born in the UK, so was familiar with, but had forgotten Rupert Bear. I'm not sure which was my favourite bear, but I was always drawn to the most pathetic looking ones who appeared to be in need of care!

I recently bought Paddington for my six year old niece and a Tatty Bear (these are popular in the UK now -- they tug at the heart strings!) for someone special.

A friend collects antique Steiff bears. They certainly look morose, some almost creepy and I would think they'd give a child the "heebie jeebies". LOL :)

You take good care. It's always good to see you.

Mousie/Paisible said...

bear stories...didn't find any in my childhood 's memories...but sixty years ago in France, in small villages there was no tv , and i can't remember any "famous bear"...bears were traditionaly given to little boys (later they would have horses)and dolls to girls..the only story i remenber with bear is "boucles d'or""goldilocks and the three bears".I started watching bear stories on tv when my son was young, he used to love whinnie the pooh...my youngest grand-son is very found of "petit ours brun"..."little brown bear"...that's cute...helps little ones with everyday life small problems...
makes me feel so old to write all this !!!must make a post about it ...thank you dear for bringing back all these memories...

ggirl said...

Did not have a favorite bear. I didn't have the most child-oriented childhood, but short of the Pooh (whom I never heard of until I was a teenager), I never heard of any other bears. What a pity. Take care, Gleds.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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