HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Sickly Sleep Sunday Superbathon

WELL TODAY I FELT MUCH BETTER THAN YESTERDAY. I went to bed early; I can't even remember when but it was surely before midnight. Then I slept for hours and hours and hours and woke up and drank methadone and slept for hours and hours and hours and when the radio proclaimed "six o'clock" yet it was light I knew it couldn't be six a.m.; though it felt like it - it was SIX O'CLOCK IN THE EVENING! I had slept EIGHTEEN HOURS AT A STRETCH! How/why on earth I did this I've no idea at all. Especially as people blame the drugs for my oversleeping (I can see why they do) well this is proof positive that is NOT the case. I slept considerably LONGER on methadone than on heroin so there!

My furballs were really entertaining last night. At one point all three were running their wire wheel vigorously in the same direction except Bashful kept pausing for a rest - which caused her to do countless revolutions looping the loop. It was like a Kentucky Derby for gremlins. Then I took the wire wheel out so they would use the other one. It was spinning round and round and round. I didn't realize all three were running it most of the night for I was unconscious (mostly) of course. I cannot really keep them in this cage as it's too flashy and obvious and if some stupid person interfered with it they would escape really easily whereas to get out of a fishtank they must be scooped out ... so it stays their holiday home. A French "gite" with a spiral staircase and turret haha! I can even extend it with special piping to make a gynormous hamster wonderland. Only prob' is the pipes cost about £4.99 each for 10cm extra tunnel. You know the coo. I had one of my business ideas to make a special kind of hammy home yesterday but I can't really tell else someone from Texas with $1000000s of funding will steal my ideas and make 'em themselves.

This evening I felt horribly shivering cold (a sure sign I need more meds) so I drank them. Meanwhile the radio was prattling on about inheritance taxes and redistribution of wealth. I'm not one of these people who believes making the rich poorer will make the poor any richer and I believe that obsessing on the "gap between rich and poor" is a misnomer. To improve the lives of the poor one must first learn how they live as I don't believe most politicians, even the most down to earth, have much of a clue about that and focus on them. Taxing the rich out of existence is merely the politics of envy and young people, ambitious people and the daydreamers among us won't want to live in a country that will steal back any fruits of their future success. The best way of helping the poor is by improving working conditions and pay. 1.2 million outsiders come into this country to do agricultural work (e.g. flower picking, fruit picking) that our own population could easily do... if only we arranged transport and accommodation. Imagine - travelling all over the country from work to work lashing down the alcohol it could be a lot of fun. The reason the Brits don't want to do it is because such work is hopelessly underpaid and I don't blame them. The poor of this country and every other western country will suffer increasingly as globalization takes jobs away from them. Even clerical jobs are disappearing online now. Why pay a Brit £5.50 an hour when an Indian may do it for a tenth of that?

Well that's my soapboxing of the day.

I have a drib of methadone left to take me into tomorrow.

I haven't done much writing. Isn't it stupid - in a way I'm forcing myself clean as it makes the only fitting conclusion for my memoirs. Also I'm scared that if they were a big success I'd only binge away the money on drugs. I don't see drugs as part of my future so the best time to stop is now... Of course the last thing I will stop is methadone and that is where I really wanted to focus. Many thanks for all the messages of support!

Video of the day:
Can your film change the world?


Second video of the day
New Hamsters in New Cage

Shows precisely the same cage (better than the other video did) mine now stay the weekends in. Note it has 2 upstairs bits etc etc...

It's a little bit wonkier certainly than a glass aquarium. E.g. the transparent green bit upstairs; the clip has broken off - but you can hold it closed easily with sticky tape. The wheel on the turret easily comes off just by lifting. It's just slightly too fragile for my own liking if someone walked in and kicked (sort of stupid thing my landlord might do) it it could easily come apart enough to let them out.

Note how baby the hammies in this film are. They all look like Itchy!
I'm convinced now that Itchy is a dwarf dwarf hamster and will never properly grow up.
I was going to advertise on the internet for someone with a male equivalent so we could start a new ultra tiny hamster breed ... (imagine!)

***

Two great photo-travel blogs of the day
Papy en Afrique http://papyenafrique.blogspot.com - African villages.
This Too Shall Pass http://lustoftenlovealways.blogspot.com - American travels
http://mouttamijeasso.blogspot.com - Tamil photos from someone living in France

And last but not least - to the person who took the Lake District Shots I said I'd feature PLEASE leave your url with me - it escaped my mind and computer...

Thanks I got the url
Zooper59 http://zooper59.blogspot.com
- these are pictures of the Lake District I used to go hiking here and in the nearby Peak District as a tot

17 comments:

Deb said...

If anyone can make it, I'm quite sure you can.

No pressure, and no one expects perfection.

Just keep pressing forward.

And don't I sound like I need a soapbox?

;)

Gledwood said...

;->...

Gledwood said...

i haven't done as badly as I usually do so that really IS something haha!

Cassie said...

thanks so much for your nice comment on my blog! they are the english lake districts, im visiting on a term abroad and we went hiking there, my url is http://zooper59.blogspot.com/ thanks again and hope you have a nice day :)

foam said...

hey,
you have one heck of a blog here. and so much info in your profile!
i used to have hamsters as a child. each and every one of them was named Goldie. i had a guinea pig once. it was named muschi. i had a cat once that was named muschi too. i'm not very original when it comes to pet names.

vivo.para.amar said...

I traveled for about 2 weeks before I moved to Vancouver to start fresh. Although I'd love to travel more in the future. I'd definitely love to goto Europe, get a monthly train pass and just tour around.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Cute little hammys!

Well done coping with the weekend, good luck with the rest of the week!

ggirl said...

Really now...must you single out Texas? Some of us here are actually very nice and would never think of stealing your idea. ;-)

I don't necessarily agree with your ideas regarding rich vs. poor. In my country, no one can live on agricultural jobs. We can't even live on minimum wage jobs (much higher wages than that of migrant workers); the cost of living is too high. Illegal immigrants live in large groups many times so they can afford to make such paltry wages. Of course, they send most of the money back to their deeply impoverished families in Mexico. It's hard, hard work that robs people of basic rights, adequate health care and, of course, legal protections that citizens of the country enjoy (those that are left after the reign of W.). But that's America for you. You would certainly know better than I about Europe.

Take care.

gledwood said...

Cassie - oh you are foreign! I thought you WERE English. I hope you had a pleasing time in my country ;->...

Foam - all my childhood hammies were CALLED "hammy" I'm not that good at naming pets. E.g. my Chinese hamster has only just really taken up the name Yingyang or Yangyang (they always have a slew of names)... my robos HAD to be named as they all look at first glance precisely the same just like in those videos I posted up... the names were vital and described their original distinguishing features...

Vivo - in 1991/92 over xmas new year I went from Wales through France to Spain and down to Morocco on an Interrail pass. I think if you buy it in North America it's called Eurail - same thing though. Free travel in all European countries definitely the way to go if you can!!

gledwood said...

Vi Vi - Thanks they are exceedingly entertaining! Sunday wasn't that bad though that DID have something to do with mercifully sleeping 3/4 of the day haha ;->...

GGirl - Yeah but don't most millionaires come from Texas? Glad you got in touch again now I managed properly to find your blog - nice one! ;->...

Akelamalu said...

You are really trying aren't you honey - I'm proud of you. Just one day at a time, do your best. x

Brother Dave said...

We all have our addictions; mine does not happen to be drugs.

Keep up keeping up. I believe you shall be just fine.

I need to explore your bLog more deliberately. What I have seen is quite inviting.

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

gled i stopped visiting here for awhile because you were using and my heart could not take it. i hope you do good honey! i really do...

smiles, bee

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: sure am!

Brother Dave: good thing it is NOT drugs. Drugs are a nightmare. They go straight to the point or crux of the addictive nature - ie the buzz you get out of something - and give you that in a purified form... no wonder they are so addictive.

Bee: I know :: you said before :: let's hope something comes out of it (me) this time ;->...

Gledwood said...

... you see, I have to have a strong ending for my book... what better ending can I have than getting clean?~???!?

(Can't remember whether I told you; but I'm writing my memoirs...)

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood