HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 16, 2007

Friday not Sky High Day

IT'S ABOUT A QUARTER TO NINE NOW... maybe I shouldn't have been quite so negative in the previous post ... but hey, I have been in a famously sour mood for the last month.

My "conjuring trick" very nearly failed to materialize anything of worth earlier. Then I flounced my magic hankie once more... puff of smoke... hey presto!... £15 appears in my hand. I took this to a flat where I exchanged £10 for a tiny-looking heroin bag. The other £5 I spent on food. The days are gone when I donate my every last penny to the "cause". The heroin was supposedly strong (I can vouch that I tasted it last night.) If it had been cut, it would appear a lighter shade of orange in the works (coloured cut is a sophisticated process beyond the ordinary dealer's reach). I might add for clarity that our gear is always "brown" meaning from peachy-"flesh" (white skin) colour through concrete/wall plaster pine/blond brown to dark muscovado. Usually it's at the lighter end of the scale. A greyish light mud-coloured substance not unlike dried mud. But quite concrete coloured. When you cook it up (adding citric acid to liberate the drugs) the resulting solution is usually a far richer brandy-brown than the powder would appear to produce. So I'm pretty sure the drugs are indeed the same. Just my useless body isn't tolerating them... correction is tolerating them too well. My tolerance to heroin has always been sky-high. I'm like an opiate-sponge. Cocaine... initially I seem to be able to use more than most other people. But very quickly I come to a point where a metaphorical giant power-swich is flicked in my head to ON. And stays ON for a long while afterwards. So all in all I'd say I cannot tolerate cocaine or crack because I'm far more prone to the negative effects (including florid voice-hearing paranoia) than most people I know. Last time I binged big-style on that ... well I could easily have been sectioned if only a doctor had got to me. I was in one hell of a state. Nearly electrocuted myself. The devil was hissing at me in one corner of the room. From another, secret cameras were filming my every move. I got quickly fed up of wearing no clothes to "give them an eyeful" and took to dismantling plugs/etc with a small screwdriver. To prize out their evil electronic monitoring eyes. And very nearly electrocuted myself. What am I blabbering about here???

Okay well back to today, someone lent me £15 (my ONE possible source of loans). Dealer was there on time. After an unremittingly bleak day I felt more of a lift from scoring than the drugs actually gave me. All heroin does (generally) is make me feel no different whatsoever for taking it. Or possibly makes me dull and sleepy. A not worth paying lots of money for feeling. Not even as nice as a sleeping pill (and weaker). So I question why I bother using at all, I really do. Okay I'm not up for rabbiting on so I'll continue tomorrow....

9 comments:

rowan said...

read this entry when i get home too busy on the run to say anything except i need to you make sure to read mine too miss you

Ali said...

Were you addicted the first time you tried it?

Anonymous said...

WELL WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON ,paranoia , of the cocaine varaity . I used to leave the window open on my 3rd story flat open . Thank god knowone knocked on the door of my apt. ! im pretty sure i wouldnt have flow . Great read . not preaching but when getting high lost its fun for me , i moved on and stopped . food for thought ..jamie

RUTH said...

Glad you bought some food!
R

RUTH said...

If you get bored try my Football quiz
http://ruth-aclueaday.blogspot.com/
Rx

Deb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rowan said...

sky-high, that's my term. I was under the influence you were aiming for a bit more moderation in your life than this entry let me know. Long as you are warm and safe. Warmth is more important than I previously thought.

Evil Spock said...

Hey gledwood, I hope things are going well for you. Read you entry and it was quite sobering. Sorry that I don't have much else to say.

Deb said...

sorry gled...another delete by deb. why?...this is about you and I don't want to make it about me. You're the important one in all this right now and I'm pulling for you.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood