Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): Hibernation (Again)

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Friday, February 02, 2007

Hibernation (Again)

I RACKED MY BRAINS today for something "thoughtful" to say.

Had my topic. Tore off a bit of old fish-&-chip paper, got a betting shop pen, sat on corner of bed to write it out "properly" ... felt utterly stumped, like I haven't done since school days and a drab essay title.

So I lay down on said bed and slept all afternoon. I still have that midwinter feeling. Hibernation.

My only vaguely meaningful activity of today has been a spot of blog-surfing this morning. It was that, and logging on to my own, facing the blue and having nothing to say that inspired me to that attempt with pen and paper. I don't think the days are far away when a vast tranche of the population simply won't be able to write without the fluidity of wordprocessing. Academic examiners are already noticing this problem developing in schools.

And now I'm getting it myself.

(Or maybe I'm just tired & uninspired.)

Okay-doke, folks.

See you all tomorrow!

PS Thanks for all the "hyperlink" advice (that's what it's called, isn't it?) I shall brave my way with it tomorrow ...

25 comments:

Adelaide said...: Here I am Maqira. Thanks for your invitation. I am portuguese and my english is not as yours. What is happening with you happens with me as well. I think and think to write something but nothing comes to my mind. I would like to know something about you. Where are you from, and so on...

Greetings
Maqira; 2 February 2007 at 18:36
Anonymous said...: Hi Maqira I love your poem, (& the picture as well) thanks for dropping by. You should write more stuff like that.

In answer to your question I'm 34, M, from London, UK... not doing anything constructive with my life ... (except blogging) ...; 2 February 2007 at 18:46
Deb said...: I think you're right on the writing/word processing thing. Use it or you lose it applies.

I wish I could go into hibernation right about now. That midwinter feeling is starting to fade with the sunshine here (although it's still really cold) and now I'm in the spring cleaning stage.

Have a great day Gleds.; 2 February 2007 at 18:52
Gledwood said...: Wow you can feel spring ALREADY-?? It's still getting dark at about just before 5pm here ... that is a bit early for me ...; 2 February 2007 at 19:07
Anonymous said...: I wanna get a Mammas & the Pappas CD, folks. Just thought I'd share that little "snippet" ...

(Well, I didn't have much else to post today ) ...; 2 February 2007 at 19:24
RUTH said...: Hi GW Thanks for the link to Faiths. Re your answer to Maqira...what about your poetry...are you transferring it to blogger? I want to read more!!!!
Sleep well
Rx; 2 February 2007 at 21:45
Gledwood said...: Yes I am... slowly... THINKING (admittedly) rather than presently ... DOING ... it... have to open another blog ...(takes 2 minutes, I know) yes I'm on to it. Gradually.

I gave Maqira your url because I thought she might like your blog.; 2 February 2007 at 21:57
Wayward Son said...: I would not bother to write if I could not have a thesaurus, spell check and dictionary at my fingertips. Is that so bad? No it is not. Of course the disparities that occur between reading what I write and conversing in person are shocking.

It's also not such a bad thing to take a day off from life here and there. Even our souls deserve a holiday given what nasty task masters we tend to be.

WS; 2 February 2007 at 23:59
catsndogs said...: hi there.. thanks for dropin by my site.. hmmm. Hibernation huh, i hope i can do that too...
jus that no time for that.. not even to die... hahaha.
all the best ya... happy weekends; 3 February 2007 at 06:57
Anonymous said...: I confess, I use the autocorrection all the time. My English, my Dutch, all my languages would otherwise be filled with typos or wrong spellings and stuff. I'm sure that in a couple of years, nobody will be able to write without a computer. I mean that, writing on a piece of paper will become hard and a slow, very slow process. Just to give you a test, don't write anything on paper for a month and only type stuff. You'll see that after that month, your writing will have slowed down tremendously and you'll have a very posed writing.; 3 February 2007 at 11:48
Anonymous said...: Manic, yes you are probably right ... I don't know that I want to try that, I can see the consequences already, just as you say ...

Cats-n-Dogs aren't you going to post some more? You are really entertaining ..!..

Who was the guy during your band practice who pretended to flush himself down the toilet ..?..
When I come to Malaysia I want to see your band if they're anything like as entertaining in the flesh.; 3 February 2007 at 12:14
Anonymous said...: STOP PRESS BIRD FLU HAS ARRIVED in this country WELL & TRULY. 500 turkies (or chickens but he's most famous for turkies) an entire shed-load, according to BBC news DIED OF IT at Bernard Matthews' (famous turkey producer) farm in Norfolk. I KNEW it was going to kick off in this country. I KNEW IT ...; 3 February 2007 at 13:05
catsndogs said...: hahaha... he's one of my close fren. Simon aka Sexy Turtle..
don ask me why or how sexy.. guess like u have to find out urself if u do drop by malaysia :P; 3 February 2007 at 13:16
catsndogs said...: hey gled.. thanks for putting in ur 'best blog'.. but don give too high expectation on me yaa...:P
will try my best...
only when the feels come.. :P; 3 February 2007 at 13:20
Women on the Verge said...: Bird flu has been something I've been following pretty closely for the last year and a half. It is worrisome that it's showing up in European countries, but you need to reming yourself that, at least as far as we know, it hasn't made the mutations that would make it easily spread among humans.. it might never.. The only thing you can do is prepare for the worst and pray to God that it never happens...; 3 February 2007 at 13:37
Whitenoise said...: Sorry, doesn't really fit with the other comments, but I didn't see a better place to stick this....

Have you ever hooked up with N.A. (that's Narcotics Anonymous)? I have some experience with these people and strongly suggest that you make contact

NA; 3 February 2007 at 14:34
Anonymous said...: Exactly -- PRAY TO GOD!! -- i just read in the Sun (side column, front page, not main headline, coz it got overblown about a year ago then nothing "seemed" to happen) that it's 1000 BIRDS DEAD DIRECTLY FROM THE FLU not birds culled. Not birds that had the flu that got euthanized. They all DIED FROM IT. If that really is true we're FUCKED.; 3 February 2007 at 15:14
Anonymous said...: o & ps I have gone to na they're very rigorous I know ... but THEIR SYSTEM WORKS as long as you don't pick & choose what you do/don't want to do ... I even got a sponsor at one point, but the moment had gone,...maybe I should post about this ...; 3 February 2007 at 15:16
Women on the Verge said...: I heard... I'm going to go check some things out... I'll let you know what I can find... in the meantime, you and Ruth hang tight.; 3 February 2007 at 18:11
Women on the Verge said...: Seems reports are confirming that it is H5N1, HOWEVER at this point, while capable of harming humans, it is only highly contagious in birds... The best thing to do would be to start making preparations to self-quarantine if it should go through mutations that cause it to be contagious in humans... everything and anything you'd need to live on for at least 1 1/2 to 3 months if possible... the best way to combat the panic is to take charge... feel like you're taking control...

The next things would be to avoid any and all contact with bird droppings. Leave your shoes outside the door... or clean the soles with bleach... Also, if you eat turkey, make sure you wash thoroughly and cook the turkey thoroughly... High temps kill the virus. The people who died in Asia weren't practising good hygeine ( lack of running water and the like) or they were becoming exposed through the body fluids while at cock-fights, or in the live bird market.

I hope this helps...; 3 February 2007 at 18:31
Deb said...: be calm my friend. things tend to get a little overreacted to and sometimes the stuff printed is completely overblown...it sells papers, right.

Just listen to wotv - there's some good reasoning there. And know our fingers are crossed...keep us posted, o.k.?; 3 February 2007 at 18:53
Women on the Verge said...: Oops, almost forgot... in studies done on the 1918 Spanish Flu... those taking Cod Liver Oil had a much higher survival rate... the thinking is that the fish oil acted as a potent anti-inflammatory. Also important to find some vitamin D and C... both of these have also been shown to be effective... lots of research out now on vitamin D demonstrating miraculous powers... garlic and onions also have potent anti-bacterial and viral properties... I know this is probably more info than you wanted... BF has been a fear of mine as well, especially since I'm home alone much of the time with my two young girls... the only way I could deal with it was by lots, LOTS of research...
you're all in my prayers...; 3 February 2007 at 19:04
Adelaide said...: Gled,
Your words about my poem were so kind, and put me so happy that I feel obliged to thank you with all my heart. It was my first poem, believe me. Never thougt that someone in this world would see it.I also visited Ruth's blog and, in fact, you were rigt. It's a marvellous blog full of colour capable to feed our soul, as it needs to be fed with nice things. I intend to visit it very often. As I could understand you are a poet so,plase create a new blog and let me know the URL, despite your english is a little difficult for me to understnad it.I need the dictionary in my lapall te time
Hugs for you and Ruth

Maqira; 3 February 2007 at 21:47
RUTH said...: Thanks for putting me in touch with maqira....I really wish I could understand all her posts...the Babel Fish thing tries but a lot of the meaning gets lost in its computerised translation.
Rx; 3 February 2007 at 23:03
Gledwood said...: Maqira & Ruth I'm so glad yous 2 hooked up I knew you'd get on ... Maqira I had a poetry blog on tripod but it's too slow to use so I'm transferring it to a blogspot one ... I'll keep you posted ...

Gledsxx; 5 February 2007 at 15:25

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!