HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 16, 2007

Laundretta/Nutnut

THE PHONE RANG AT 9.04 this morning. Do I "want anything"? When do I not "want" "it"? Only problem: no money in house. (Or bank.) So I said I would call later. (When he won't be answering bc he is so lazy. So someone else will get the business.) Later being after I have conjured readies out of the air by dint of magic trick. ...That sounds like babelfish talking.

I posted nothing yesterday because I was seriously not in the mood. Could have got myself into a dangerous situation. Lost my temper with someone. O wot can I say nothing.

Sitting here dripping with sweat. BADLY. Have taken medication. It is not holding me. If you held my hand you'd feel like you were touching a tropical frog. Sweat is running down my back like a mini river. That is how Nutnut knew when I was "using" again (years back)... when I came in on a winter's morning sweating profusely, ran a bath (I was so clean in that house ... the bath being my only excuse to lock the bathroom door. And keep it locked for long enough to draw up water. Prepare a spoon. Get filter. Citric acid. Cigarette lighter. (If I forgot this I came out pretending I was desperate for a bathtime cig.) Do not be heard flickflickflicking on lighter. Her banging on door. Are you in that bath. Me sitting with one leg in water stirring it. Can't you hear that I am? Then when injection prepared got into hot water. (Brings veins up lovely.) Then try to restrain swearing etc when they didn't behave readily enough. Eventually sink back in water not caring if drowned (maybe that was half the attraction, well I have to be honest. You never lived with that woman.) And then carefully hide every little twist of torn syringe wrapper, cigarette filter, spilt citric, black from bottom of spoon, blood drips ... Just in case she declared a sudden interest in using loo whilst I was in there. How did I get on to this. O yes. When I went on Subutex/buprenorphine for about a month till relapsing in grand style. Took what I thought then was a "small hit" ie a third of £20/$40 worth - woke up with her slapping my head & screaming at me. The noise of my choked & shallow breathing had woken her at 7am. "That was a death rattle!" I said furiously. Why didn't you just let me die?" I genuinely hated her for "saving" me like that. (Though I'm sure I would have come round anyway.)

There is chaos in my present house too. Laundretta has been drunk and bawling since about 4am. Matran the Rat Man took her last £20 and spent it all on something (likely crack). She was still blowing her top at noon. That's what I call persistent. Nutnut was more persistent we used to have blazing public rows lasting literally nine a.m. to five p.m. (fortunately neither of us had proper jobs). Followed by minor eruptions for upto three days afterwards. Laundretta has destroyed the vacuum cleaner kicking remains of my needle lids/empty wraps etc all down the stairs. They try and be "respectible" junkies and not let it show as much as I do. She was a prostitute before she was an addict (which is very unusual) - used to make good money (still can make £300 in a night). Claims to have been in Dubai etc. Certainly explained how a hostess bar works in convincing detail. Now she is really just a drunken lush. Who sweats so heavily after a drink she looks like she has showered fully clothed.

Well I'm off now to read a book. Bye.

2 comments:

Deb said...

GM Gled (well it's morning here). Don't have much time - off to work now. FTR - I'm glad she saved you. Very vivid/descriptive stuff. I like your honesty and still find that your writing just pulls me in.

Back later...take care.

Anonymous said...

Good!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood