HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 26, 2007

Laundretta's Spin

WELL THAT WAS A BIT OF A curt and to the point post about Laundretta. That's what comes of typing straight into the computer, not reading it back and pressing PUBLISH without any consideration. But my rule of nondeletion means it has to stay. I keep things in despite the humiliation they cause to myself. Despite the bad light they throw on me. I'm not keeping this blog to look cool or together (what a lie that would be!) I'm striving to tell the truths about addiction that go so frequently untold. There are many, many of them.

As for Laundretta's situation (she cancelled out on an operation that should have been scheduled for today) she has my full sympathy. I think her anaesthetist told her to drink as little alcohol as she possibly could and to use as little opiates on top of her methadone script as she possibly could. So what did she do but go on an alcohol bender all weekend. I know precisely how she must have felt. Ever-increasingly wound up inside. Conflict building, building up. And she relieves the conflict the way an addict always does by taking the drug, maybe messing up the situation but simplifying it at the same time. What can be more straightforward than using, using, using. As per normal? I remember the day I went to a private clinic to be switched to Subutex (buprenorphine). To do this you need to be taking as little heroin (and in particular methadone) as possible. I was told to turn up as withdrawal-sick as I could bear. Of course I could not bear it. So I used and actually used more than I would have done if I'd just used as per normal. Using to try and desperately steady my nerves. What a hopeless task. And then, having been told by the doctor to take the first dose of Subutex when I really was craving a hit, I took it half way home. Because I was craving. I'd have had a hit (ordinarily, assuming I had "gear" on me, the minute I got in through the door). So as far as I was concerned I was indeed craving. He didn't mean psychologically craving. He meant physically craving. That is what did it for me. The too-early dose of the buprenorphine precipetated some pretty horrible withdrawal symptoms. NutNut wanted to call an ambulance. No way! I protested. No way was I going to feel like that, writhing on an Accident and Emergency trolley!... know what I mean??!? So I just toughed it out, as I had no option but to ... eventually awakening the next morning feeling bright and early and very very vivid. The Subutex had reset my system. A miracle drug: I didn't feel like a junkie anymore.

Laundretta has my sympathy because in her shoes I don't see that I'd have done anything different at all. Only perhaps despite the drinking I'd still have dragged myself in the hospital, looking forward to being knocked out cold very much indeed..!

10 comments:

Nicole said...

What kind of operation does Laundretta need? I feel so bad that people who are really ill are the ones greatest at risk. It's almost like you have to be healthy to have a good operation.

I also find it funny how they tell people to cut down on all the things they are addicted to. It really does make it worse and it sresses them so much. If they could cut down they would have already done so. Doctors don't have much understanding for the illness of addiction.

Deb said...

you really pinpoint things precisely with your words..."maybe messing up the situation but simplifying it at the same time".

Anonymous said...

Thanks Deb. I try, but don't always succeed in that!

Nicole: I didn't ask but I think it's women's probs. Which might have something to do with her longstanding profession. I didn't really want to poke fun at her by stating that in the post (and it's a guess.) The fact that she didn't tell me makes me suspect it's women's probs. I know I have poked fun at her before ... but I do have some respect for her as well, know what I mean?

Gledwood said...

Deseo que podría leer realmente a españoles mismo y que no tuve que utilizar este traductor vulgar de Babelfish.

... just a sentence I want to keep hold of in Spanish ...

rowan said...

That's what I hate about suboxone. I had really weird reactions to it and I did wait long enough for it. Strange headaches awful cramps then incredible lucidness but.. I dont know. I'd rather be on methadone then that one. Gledwood, are you going on this permanantly? What's with the bupremorphine thing?

PS.NEW PICS.
http://nostoppingplace.blogspot.com/2007/02/my-little-clonopin-hallucination.html

rowan said...

it cut out the rest.. weird blogspot
little-clonopin-hallucination.html

rowan said...

(little happens only once.)

Nicole said...

I always find it funny when people say "women's problems" like it's some kind of a secret and has to be kept hush-hush. These things happen and women should have enough self-worth to just come out with it and say it. I feel sorry and bad for anyone who needs to go to hospital or have surgery of any sort, it doesn't matter what got them there. Life is not the same for everyone.

Unknown said...

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Thanks for your visit to my blog, and for your comment, too.
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I hope you visit and comment my blog others times. I wait for your visit.
Thanks again,
Lia

Gledwood said...

Ivy: the Subutex was three years ago and I'm never going on it again except prior to complete detox in a proper detox unit.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood