Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): Various Nothings

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Various Nothings

IS IT ANY SURPRISE I GET ILL AND DEPRESSED with books like the ones described to you earlier hanging around. Always unread, half-read, half-finished. Another lot of books I didn't mention is my bargain classics. I had a phase of going through the range ordering great literature of the past from the list ... yet not being able to finish it all.

HOW CAN I NOT HAVE MENTIONED the 2.3 inches of entertainment that kept talking all night? Yes it's a mini portable TV. But as I said before -- what's to watch on it??

SO HAVING PASSED THE NIGHT in coma-like sleep, I sleep some more not wanting to break off sleep ... why am I getting like that. By the time I was even half awake Loose Woman was on ITV. This is an interview show with five interviewers to one guest. Which might sound a lacklustre formula but nothing's further from the truth. One of the Loose Women looks like Mother H's friend Rebs, which always makes us laugh. Because Rebsie does not see this. And loathes and despises her own onscreen lookie-lykie..!

No, life's still drearily slow. What am I saying? I AM DREARILY SLOW-- so no change there then. No I can't move I'm wading through toffee. Treading water in treacle. (Or just treading treacle.) Drowning in honey. I feel so incredibly boring and dull. But hey I still managed to make a posting out of absolutely nothing at all. So that's good I suppose. And when it comes to books there's still Dostoyevsky's Crime & Punishment going unfinished, which I've read about two thirds of and think is brilliant. If heavy going. Then Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. (Extremely involved.) I made a dutiful stab at Hardy's Tess of the D'urvervilles but after the first hundred pages the tale gets woefully dull, as if the life has gone from the story and yet the teller is still contractually bound to furnish yet another 250 pages on top..!! So maybe I'll traipse up the bookshop later and put Sherlock Holmes on order. I didn't realize it was just £2 so that's a cheap addiction to my collection. Right I'm shutting up now.

8 comments:

. said...: Hi, you post a comment in my blog, diariodorio,. can you send a mail in english for me? Cause the google translate isn't so good... tks; 13 February 2007 at 18:27
. said...: Oh, of course, my mail is diariodorio@gmail.com; 13 February 2007 at 18:28
Rodrigo Aner said...: yeah, is strange to fins a english spoken post in my blog, but anyway, is a kind of funny to.

Books, you should look for "Mala Onda", a very good book from Alberto Fuguet, a chilean writer. I know that the book can be finded in Usa, but maybe you could find it to.

TV, chilean tv realy sucks, but i think that watching tv in any place is a bit of depressing and boring.

bye, and thanks for the post; 13 February 2007 at 18:48
Anonymous said...: Cheer up, Gleds. Is not all that bad. I, at the moment am reading "Professional Builder" (a free monthly trade publication)tonight I shall be perusing a section devoted to the delights of Paslode Nail Guns.........; 13 February 2007 at 19:42
Nicole said...: Don't laugh when I tell you what I'm reading right now: Ultra-metabolism by Mark Hyman, M.D.; 13 February 2007 at 20:05
RUTH said...: Was "I didn't realize it was just £2 so that's a cheap ADDICTION to my collection" a Freudian slip?
Rx; 13 February 2007 at 20:07
Anonymous said...: I TOO have watched "Loose Women" on ITV and I was totaly disgusted, that throughout the whole show, NONE of the panel actualy made ANY kind of sexual advances to any male member of the TV crew or cast. I am thinking of composing a letter of complaint to the ITV network along this vein.; 13 February 2007 at 20:39
Gledwood said...: Yes that was a definite freudian slip!!; 14 February 2007 at 01:57

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Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!