HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Roborovskery with Trees

MY ROBOS NOW RESIDE IN LANDSCAPED PARKLAND complete with trees I improvised with broccoli stalks. As soon as they woke up to them the took to nibbling these trees - a bit like the giraffes at Longleat!

Just before I went out I put down a handful of wild bird. Within two minutes all three were wide awake and packing their pouches. As I left the three furballs were so spherical I had to run out not to laugh.

That's my robbie story of the day!

***

PS Where it now says Longleat (which is a wonderful historic house, home of the Marquess of Bath - complete with safari park grounds - what a great day out for all the family! (And I'm not even being paid to say this)) I had originally put "Windsor Safari Park" - where I got chased by an elephant when I was two. Sadly that park has closed down, though the website is full of commemorative pictures...

10 comments:

Spacecake said...

Hi again. I just decided that I have to link your blog. Why? I don't know! I'm just a weirdo like that ":D".

Now, you asked me about my English and I thought I'd answer to that question of yours after commenting some on the stuff you've posted on the days I haven't been here.

I actually enjoy English as a language more than Finnish. It's a long story really, but suffices to say that I was born in the U.S. and nope, neither of my parents are Americans or anything. I guess I've just seen the fact that I'm an American citizen as an essential part of who I am, so I've kind of seen it as my "job" to be able to speak English as well as possible.

I'm in fact such an obsessive crazy-person about the whole thing that my grammar in English is probably better than it is in Finnish xD. Aaaah well.

Oh and I just enjoy writing in English more than in Finnish, which means I rarely write anything in Finnish, except when I have to and then it just feels weird, forced and unnatural. Maybe it's just all in my head. Bleh.

Is this the longest blog comment ever? Yes. Time to stop spamming now.

Spacecake said...

Ooooh wait, I forgot something (yeah, you're never getting rid of me...)!

About the "Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos" -- that is quite true! I mean, you don't have to be a junkie to do that; look at me!

Ok, lamest joke ever.

Except it wasn't a joke. I in fact do kill old ladies and steal their purses.

Or do?

No, not really.

Or DO I?

OK SERIOUSLY GOING NOW. :'D.

Spacecake said...

Whoops, looks like I forgot an "I" in there. And I may have forgotten other words/letters/stuff.

I type too fast.

I swear, this is the last comment I post today, you don't have to report me as a spammer (necessarily).

Whitenoise said...

You still alive, dude? Weird how some of us start to feel concerned about anonymous internet bloggers...

Whitenoise said...

Ah, misread the date. Got fooled by the video clips at the top. Carry on, then.

Liz Hinds said...

Windsor Safari Park is no more? Well, well. No-one told me that. What a cheek and with me being called Elizabeth as well you think they'd have told me. Or asked if I wanted an elephant - but not the one that stood on your toe.

How can you get a photo of your companions onto your blog? You must think. I want to see them with their broccoli trees. Very Lucy in the Sky.

Odat said...

Hiya! Cute videos...they made me laugh....Hope you're ok!!!!
Peace

Anonymous said...

hi gleds,
i am at uni now, in the uk. i dont have internet access, sorry. i am at an internet cafe now & i am paying my money for 1 h just to do homework & things like that online :( i dont have time for blogging AT ALL! WHAT A PITTY! i sooo miss your blog & everyone else's :(

Hope u r ok now Gleds, really i didnt mean to leave anyone, i am so sorry. I am just waiting to get Internet access, so i could check ur blogs just like in the old days :)
Bye :)

Anonymous said...

Spacecake: sorry I somehow missed out this commentary box how typical of me...

Hey you're so lucky! That means you have dual passport? I wish I had an American passport as well as an EU one that gives the best of both worlds...

Is it enough to be born in the USA to get citizenship? I don't think this applies in the UK...



Whitenoise: I'm taking the video clips down... there was never meant to be 25 of them up there they kind of got stuck and I didn't know what to do with the rest also some of the tunes I really liked... that is why I switched my commentary box to a popup window so i could still listen to music whilst replying to messages....
btw where have YOU been?!?

Liz: I really want to get if not film footage of the swines then a good photo... they look so entertaining racing around their broccoli stalks... the broccoli looks like pollarded trees (of course I boiled the florets!) I hope your computer works better now only 6 youtubes remain...

Gledwood said...

Odat: I'm OK... you're OK? I'm fine... you mean the robo videos? I can't remember which ones exactly I posted up... oh MORPH! Morph is fantastic! And wasn't it great to be able to post up the entire programme - yeah all 4 mins 38 seconds of it!!

Edyta: Where ARE you at uni? Wow you went early... oh no you didn't it is OCTOBER how dur of me... but where are you and what are you studying? You must tell me! Surely they have a computer room there? Somewhere ?? Otherwise you can buy surely an account of 15 hours or so from the cyber cafe which means you type in a username and 13 hrs 51 seconds is left next time or whatever... that is what I do ...

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood