Gledwood Vol 2 (Main blog): My House

DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

My House

MY FRIEND PASCAL wanted to score today so I came with him to a house where we waited for nearly an hour as the inhabitants piped their breakfast. "It wasn't a proper crackhouse," Pascal knowledgeably declared at one point afterwards. Well it wasn't that pleasant a house. In reply to Vincent: what IS my own house like ... I am tempted (daydreamer that I am) to give a description of my ideal home. Just saw on television a documentary about this guy (an architect) who is attempting to renovate a 14th century castle to live in again as a fully-fledged 7-bedroom home. I had to switch off in the end as just couldn't handle the stress of watching that. Anyhow my house is a council hostel so you enter a dark hall that smells of old dog-blankets. Up flights of grubby stairs to the bathroom etc. Depending upon my fellow occupants the atmosphere of this place has changed dramatically at different times. I don't really know what to say, it's not the most salubrious of homes. We have no plugs in any communal sink or the bath at present. And we never did have a shower. The radiators were on most of last summer until I eventually turned them off using a piece of boltcutter like equipment borrowed from a friend. Now they will barely come on again and to be honest I do not want radiator heating in my room. I would far rather use my own heater as and when required which is what I do.

Funny... I am severely running short of inspiration to talk about the place any more.

Basically it's just a place I want to get out of as soon as I possibly can. So I'm going to write a bestselling novel. That is my only hope of escape..!

9 comments:

RUTH said...: This post just jumped up as I was writing my last comment. Ok then, if it's not to be a poetry blog how about an online book. Didn't Stephen King do something like that? There's a blog called Tuckersville that is a book in the making but it's by many different authors ( each doing a bit at a time). Here's the link if you haven't seen it before...
http://sisqbluegrass.com/tuckersville.htm
Rx; 28 February 2007 at 22:03
Anonymous said...: Ah, cheers. The counsil hostel bit is what I was curious about. Just a reply in the comments section would've been enough btw ;-)

Maybe you should try and carve a plug for the bath out of wood and keep it in your room so it doesn't 'disapear'.; 28 February 2007 at 22:12
Elsie said...: Gledwood, tonight I am really pi............ off with you. How long are you still going to hide behind this drug addiction?????
You are such a talented guy. You write these wonderful day by day going on's of a drug addict and I wonder how many of your staunch supporters and readers really realise what you are going through. I wonder sometimes if YOU know what you are going through and what you are doing to yourself.
I do not know if your parents are still alive and also read your ramblings (the past few weeks it has been nothing but ramblings- u are using heavy - but I can also see the intelligent Gledwood coming out -
damn, Gleds, you are obviously an intelligent human being- can you not please, please try to get out of this??????????
I have often wondered how you survive money-wise as I have never found any mention of you having a job. Where do you get your money from to score and to survive the day to day buying of the necessary survival "kits"

Sorry for me going off like this tonight........ my son has to be in court on Friday for a charge of possession of drugs (rock and pipe) and maybe facing 5-10 years in jail- drug abuse is very strict in S.A
and in all these weeks I have read your posts and saw how you were going downwards in spite of all the comments you received, I cannot help but to feel angry.

I am not preaching, I am just bleeding for you as I am for my son. Mothers never, ever raise their children to follow this road and even as I know that I am not responsible for the choices my son has made in his life, I am totally down and out without drugs, emotionally I am dying inside and feel like I am the loser in this whole story.

Take care and you do not need to post this comment.

But as you are so knowledgeable about drug use and abuse, can you not please, please try to kick this habit????????????

Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lcxxx; 28 February 2007 at 23:42
Whitenoise said...: A best-selling novel is not your means of escape. A best-selling novel will only follow your escape.; 1 March 2007 at 01:08
Dan said...: Hey dude, where do you blog from? From a library? From school?

It can't be from the house, can it?; 1 March 2007 at 01:45
Natalie Chou said...: Big thanks, without your reminding I couldn't figure out such a serious mistake I had made.
I've swithed to total English edition.
You're a nice and kind blog writer.
P.S. I'm not a born English-speaking person but would like to share your life experience, so expect your advice all the time to help me turn familiar with your colorful culture.
I'm not your pal nor your pal's pal.
I'm just a passer-by who hope to become one in the future.; 1 March 2007 at 02:10
Anonymous said...: OK the bestselling thing is half a joke my fantasy means of escape but to answer Vincent's question I'm bearly making ends meet at the moment on state benefits. Need to see a careers adviser want some options on jobs I really would do well know what I mean ...; 1 March 2007 at 16:46
Annelisa said...: Hi Gledwood. You couldn't remember if you came to my blog before or not... I believe you did, because I remember coming back to yours, and making some comment about the chinese hamsters (I think) - as my daughter used to have a couple. I think I might have told you the story about her waking up to them cuddled up in bed with her?

Can't stop now, as I have my own novel to write... but will try to remember to visit and read at the end of the month! :-); 6 March 2007 at 17:02
Anonymous said...: The author of gledwood2.blogspot.com has written an excellent article. You have made your point and there is not much to argue about. It is like the following universal truth that you can not argue with: It's impossible to devise a foolproof system as Nature will simply evolve a more perfect fool. Thanks for the info.; 25 January 2010 at 05:43

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!