HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

After The Real Good Sleep

O I FEEL STRANGE. I wouldn't mind being depressed. Well actually I would. I would mind it very much. I specially wouldn't mind being UPUPUPUP UPPPP!!! But I'm neither thing. I slept somewhere up to 18 hours last night. The smoke alarm is going crazy and I'm thoroughly enjoying it + pissing off my neighbours. It's off now.

I HAD to go get methadone as I slept so late they were about to close. So I got it. In the foulest of moods. Got ONE pizza in Morrisons where some idiotic foreigner was trying to feed a £50 note into the self-service machine. If I'd been a little more whateveristic I'd have told her "darling nobody in this country accepts a fifty. They're either faked or they think you're trying to pass off a fake. Take 20s. Or use 500 euro notes." Then I had to buy cherry cyder and some Pole who was even more averse to showering than me (and that's saying something) seemed to spend half an hour buying about 7 items of weird unclean porkfilled Polish food.

Then I got home. No cigarette papers and frankly I'd rather look behind my bottom drawer for a stray one than go outside again.

My oven is going nuts as there's still burnt tost in there from yesterday (that I forgot about till it was past incinerated) along with the tex mex pizza.

So I'm buzzing in a vague "just been on coke" type way. No it's not the heroin. Heroin doesn't make you buzz; it's a downer ~ it just helped me sleep not far off an entire 24 hours.

And I feel shit. So what's that? I'm not going to any appointments. Oh shit some bastard is coming round my house tomorrow well he can see it as it is I ain't doing shit for no-one.

What is it Baino you don't believe I'm psychic? I'll try and get you next week's lottery numbers? OK??

Right i gotta go I've only had 2.5 cigarettes today. I don't want any heroin it didn't make me "high" (does anyone get a high off heroin? What's it like? Feels like normality to me...) anyway the PO was shut by the time I woke up.

Shit I suppose I'd better clear the worst for this support worker git. Sure he's NOT on my side. All they do is try and con you these people. Right I'm off.



Baino said...

No sweetie, I don't believe you're psychic or psycho but if you can get the numbers, I'll share the win and you can have all the therapy and rehab you need.

Baino said...

Hey. I'm at work so can't stay too long. The last thing you need is to be on your own. You can't kick it by yourself. Stick with the counselling, methodone and NA. They're all support networks. You self diagnose too much. Wishing you luck Gleds, you're going to need it.

Baino said...

oh and if you want to say more, send it to my email.

Gledwood said...

i'll try and email there's something wrong it gives 2 incoming ones at a time and when i try and read i get 2 lines

i wrote to you chez toi

i'm giving up on the quasi medical language from now on it seems to confuse everyone i'm only telling how things actually are which is even more sad and more confusing but if that's what people want to hear, not you, people, i will tell it, i have no shame left anyhow i had this problem for years it's a doing nothing problem where i collect rubbish eg i have 5 tv sets 3 chairs 3 toasters endless stuff that i don't even know works now some bastard is coming round tomorrow am i supposed to tidy up or show a true picture i can't be bothered tidying up it's my fucking house i can live as i please that's their problem not mine if they don't like it sorry to go on i'm pissed off with all these professionals prescribing poison then wondering why i can't handle it it's METHADONE causing ALL THIS methadone the POISON

Ozkatt said...

Hi Gleds. Hmmm you sound a trifle fed up with the world. Not good. I hope that social worker git doesn't give you too much grief.

BTW, I have a new blog and the reason is in my first post.

Take care and stay off the stuff, ok?



Gledwood said...

ROBYN: I'll come over via your profile. It is listed there, right? Else I'll look via Merle's.

The social worker is probably OK but I'm averse to putting on a display which is how it's gonna look if I don't clear up which i DON'T FUCKING WANT TO sorry to swear. I'm now being forced to live by other people's standards when I'm pefectly OK, know what i mean

bugerlugs63 said...

im nt sure if u really think meth is causing "all this".
the only thing meth is causing, is
absence of horrendous withdrawal symptons. it wont solve or cause any other major probs.
of cause u can live as u please
but is this how u please?
is there any one who u would accept and follow advice from?
someone who cares, someone u trust
u r still de-toxing from H.
and will be for a longtime.
then de-tox from meth.
then deal with any other issues after that. at least u will know then that they were not part of de-toxing.
i hear u say u r in-dependant and do not need anyone and u can not/ will not engage,that folk outside think u r weird, that old timers at NA judge u and new comers scare u , cashiers sneer at u,the bastard whos coming tomorrow is not on your side, needy people piss u off . it might appear that u have isolated yourself, but its not the addict who does it,its the gear, and it wants u to beleive its the only thing that can fix that, but it cant. only in so much as it will keep u isolated but it wont matter.because it will be your best friend and NOthing else will matter. without it u can interact/engage and find u r not so isolated, and that there r ok nutters out there, like you, who get on through life ok, sometimes needing help and other times giving help. but of course it will play all kinda tricks on u to stay friends. its a fucking liar.its people u need and need 2 trust, and if thats 2 much 2 start with, try God first, then people (real live people);-)
i cant remember how i started this or whats been said,and i aint gonna look, if its out of order plse delete. its 2 am and i gotta b up at 7 so im going ive said 2 much
take care

Gledwood said...


by living as i please i mean i let my mood soar as high as i want which you'd think was illegal the way psychiatry people insist i must take medication for it fair enough i was pretty obviously going off on one time before last at nutter club. i could see it written all over naomi's face.

she's ok but other people don't realize i can SEE IT ALL OVER THEM when they think i'm acting like a nutter. i couldn't even tell you what i do, i mean if i knew i'd not do it. i have far fewer problems in depression because that i can cover up way easier the other stuff just blazes from inside me and gives me right away

you make a very good point about the sneering, na, isolation etc but i never felt independent on gear i felt highly dependent that is why i want off methadone and need off it so i can be independent. at one point i was all up for living up a mountain on my own, off methadone, living on nothing. i would choose the coldest climate possible so i have the biggest chance of freezing to death. this idea only feels stupid now because i'm on heroin to con me into thinking im in normality.

don't you think the only time you see reality is from a high or a low? i don't think there's much reality in the middle and i barely ever go there (thank God) i hate being depressed but at least i know i'm seeing things the way they really are when i'm in that state

there's nothing out of order in what you say i lived a decade of my life on heroin and the last half i had obvious problems with depression that was bad enough i felt every single day that i ought to commit suicide. in a sense the heroin saved my life but i was only sensing reality through that depression that's all depression is a kind of perfect reality

sorry im kind of rambling here im stuck between 2 places do you see what i mean. i REFUSE TO DO "I'M SICK" so i can only do "i'm well and all is normal" which is genuinely how i see myself and the world in depression when I'm "high" i might be in touch with reality also but i'm more aware that a high is false because it reminds me of drugs, albeit a far nicer version... see what i mean i find it very very confusing so this message i got that the psycho shit was fake it did my head in because i never know what to believe anyway and when someone disbelieves me i can't tell whether i'm real or not i find it too confusing for words



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood