HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 18, 2011

I'm sorry :-(

SORRY FOR UPSETTING YOU ANNA GRACE. And anyone else. Anna is my best friend and the last person I want upset or crying over me. I'm truly sorry.

Now I'm upset because I was only trying to say how I feel. Yet how I feel is unacceptable. What can I do?

Baino who is one of my very best and most supportive friends online said to me something to do with not believing my experience is real and she's put me into confusion. Finally I am telling the doctors the truth instead of some sanitized version that goes "I become slightly depressed"; I'm telling them what really happens and this is complicated and embarrassing enough without people messing with my head telling me I'm lying or I'm not real. Whatever it is it feels like an accusation. All I have ever tried to do is report accurately however much it shames me however much of an idiot I know I will look I just put it down. Baino is only trying to be helpful. From where I'm sitting she tells me "don't disappear up your own arse; it's just mild drug switchover that everyone goes through".

If I thought this was right I could accept it but none of the professionals I work with takes this view. The psychiatrist is being cagey by not diagnosing. It's unprofessional to give a name to an inherently unreal condition within 6 months of clear cut shamanic weird experience emerging. And that's what it is in some of its facets.

My totem animals are the Syrian hammy, which will beat the shit out of any critter or person who dares mess with it. And the tigress. I relate to the tigress better than the tiger; tigresses are fiercer and have pet baby tigers to play with. Can you imagine going to bed with six baby tigers all purring and being furry? That's why I want to be a tigress. Because of the baby furry entertainers.

I'm sorry I upset y'all I didn't mean to I only was trying to report how I feel. This doesn't upset me. Problem is, none of the professionals I "work" with have ever expressed this view. To them I am cuckoo. To me I am fantastic and unreal. Far superior to most of you. Effortlessly when I'm hyper and high I feel natural. When I'm low I don't feel clinically depressed, which is where this "personality disorders" idea came from. I'm fed up with it all.

Yes I took heroin. To be frank I didn't care about my life or my future any more, which is blurry to me. I just cannot think straight.

Sorry I have to go I keep falling asleep with fingers on the L or D key and I'm not posting the rubbish I put up 2 nights ago. That was purely to make a point.

I hope this isn't too much of a mess and makes my point. I don't have a problem with anyone I'm confused by my friends, my good friends who I know are genuinely trying to help me and in my heart this makes me sad because I know I can't understand and you're not helping me the way your words should help.

How on earth will I ever deal with these skyscraper-high issues? I honestly don't know.

Now I'll have to leave it there, else this shall never get posted. Sorry again for the mess. Much love to everyone. Baino please forgive me for bringing you up so many times. I know you are only saying what many people probably think and I'm just really upset because I can't do it. Whatever it is I'm meant to do I can't do it. Am I ill? should I lie in bed then? What should I do?

And how can I ever cope without heroin. I cannot handle feeling as bad as I do. I feel too bad for words. I won't use melodramatic language, but I don't feel good at all now. What is happening to me.

Take care everybody. Thank you for all your support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know, even though we end up at cross-purposes so many times. Please don't give up on me.

Illustrated: a beautifully kept room is a sign of a well-kept mind; my totem animal having a furry nap; the naughty stuff, trademarked by Bayer Pharmaceuticals in the late 19th century...

Some music


Anonymous said...

Anna Grace's blog has been removed. I wonder if she deleted it?

Gledwood said...

It was there only an hour ago now it's gone I emailed to find out what she is doing.

ANNA REPLY TO ME. Why remove your blog? Please explain and get back to me ASAP.


Baino said...

Gleds at work and haven't got time to read this right now but everything's OK No need to apologise. I'll be back later.

Baino said...

Ok sugar. Read the post. You are a confused possum aren't you. I'm not upset, not at all. Just stop using the blog as your chat thread. Email me or Skype. It's your blog and you're entitled to say whatever you like on it. And I don't think youhave your head up yer arse. I think you just need to keep going to therapy. Slow down, take a breath. Maybe you're crazy, maybe you're high, I don't know but you have a free health system there willing to help. Just let it. Good luck to you hon. I worry about you you know. I hope Anna Grace forgives you for whatever it is. Perhaps it has nothing to do with you. Anyway, you and me? We're just fine so don't sweat it.

Gledwood said...

Thanks Baino my head is done in real bad I can't think straight at all. I'm waiting for this heroin to clear out I feel such an idiot for taking it. I know I'll probably feel worse but at least I'll be me feeling worse not a stupid heroin-brain.

First thing I'm asking this dr. next time is the issue of detox or methadone and whether that's making me feel so weird because that's what happened I felt weird. Whatever words you want to put on it: "weird". I have to hold on to something to keep my sanity, know what I mean.

Thanks for your message ;-)

Gledwood said...

Your 2nd comment came through after my 1st one.

Anna Grace was upset because I was talking about dying and I didn't mean to upset her. She said it's cool but now her blog has vanished I don't know what she did to it.

I feel like I'm lost in a hall of mirrors with no visible way out and it's all other people's issues that are bothering me.

Head up arse I meant I thought you thought I was hypochondriacing. I try not to do that most of the time I was hyped up I was pottering about feeling great, not "ill" everyone seems to think I felt ill but I didn't feel ill at all. What I thought was weird was being high but not on drugs! This heroin I took yesterday comes nowhere near it on a scale of drugginess which probably says more about rubbish heroin than my mood don't you think!

Reason I see things opposite way round to normal people ie that something's weird when I feel "high" is that for years I was depressed and PAYING for my highs. When they sudeenly appear from nowhere free of charge it feels weird, whereas the depressed state just feels normal. I try and be all grown up and handle it well but that wears thinner and thinner because it's like using sandbags to stop high tide... too little too late

O look here I am babblling away about myself as per usual. Hey I feel less confused right now which means hopefully that H rubbbish is running out!

Syd said...

I do care but have difficulty with reading some of the stuff that you write. I cannot help the feeling that you are on a bad slide to oblivion. I hope that I am wrong. I hope that you will keep trying and will stay clean

Gledwood said...

"a bad side to oblivion"... I wasn't sure what you meant at first now I think I know

yep that's what I wanted from heroin: oblivion though a lovely couple of sleeping pills (decent ones) would do better. All I need is to sleep nearly all day and wake up long enough to get methadone and I'm fine

that's really what i want. I don't want to be a drug addict but I cannot be bothered with this clean shit when I feel as shit as I do and NA assume "mood swings" means feeling ok one minute shitty the next when I mean going high into absolute chaos and low into suicide-state

i have spent years in denial convincing myself my problems were just drugs (as the professionals wanted to convince me) but I was having bipolar symptoms a good 5 years BEFORE heroin, now everyone wants me to think it's drug "withdrawal" when i'm on methadone and not withdrawing

they're basically doing to me what i did to myself. plus they're judging me on what i write, not how i am

am i really meant to detail how much of a shitty mess my life actually is? I engage with NOTHING never open mail never do anything except sleep eat get methadone and blog that really is it

i look at other addicts and have never seen a case as bad as mine, not even half as bad. they are well enough to go shoplifting for HOURS each day to run about selling the shit for HOURS and to smoke crack for HOURS any one of those things would just drive me crazy

i'm trying to cope here but i'm drowning in advice that is well meaning but based on assumptions and no truth my dr knows EXACTLY what symptoms i have and EXACTLY how mild/severe they are. i haven't exaggerated anything, if anything i've minimized stuff. he thinks something is up or i wouldn't be on antipsychotics for my "moods". the leaflet only mentions 2 problems: schizophrenia and bipolar and it ain't schizophrenia. if it is bipolar i'm fucked i can't believe me and that dreadful condition ever managed to come together but somehow we did so i'm fucked let's face it well and truly done in. over. fucked up. finished.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood