HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

My Sleep Meds

1703 I JUST GOT IT TOGETHER to look through my sleep medication which has been right in front of me for days I didn't even notice Nytol was there. I have 1x zopiclone 7.5mg and 2x strips of Nytol only 2 50mg pills taken. On 100mg Diphenhydramine (Benadryl) I'm OK to sleep usually on days 1 and 2 but after that it just stops working. Zopiclone works far better and is much nicer and not something to abuse (ALL it does it makes me sleep; nothing benzoey, just drowsiness, nothing else so no motivation to stay up through it as in temazepam (Restoril) which takes 30mg to 40mg to actually get me to sleep. 10mg temazepams are a JOKE. Zopiclone is the only sleeping pill I've taken that works reliably on ONE full-dose tablet. Zopiclone 3.75 is a piss take they're for elderly people but some doctors will mess around with you giving them when you just have to do 2 to get the effect ie half as many doses.

I also have enough methadone to zonk myself if I really needed to but hate doing that on methadone it takes a LOT. I buy it on the street for when I need extra. My dose is going DOWN now which I'm SO GLAD ABOUT I can't tell you. I absolutely LOATHE being on methadone I hate the shit, it's the all time pits of drugs. Does nothing unless you take doses I won't mention in case some kid with no tolerance thinks a hardened junkie's sleep dose will make them feel good when it WILL KILL THEM. I want off all this crap I hate taking drugs to sleep.

Last night (or rather this morning) I slept late morning to early afternoon about 10am to 1:30pm 3.5 hours. And felt gluttonous and lush for having done even that. Very indulgent. Mania thrives on sleep deprivation so the less sleep = the more manic = the better I feel unless I really start going off the scale which is just DIDDLADDLEODDLEODDDZZZ-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-ZZ-Z-ZZZZZZZBZZZZZZZZZZZZBZZZZBZZZBZBZZZZ like a noise.

I'm well rested now thanks to black coffee perking me up. Shouldn't drink that either. but with nothing, no drugs at all I'd be ragged, frazzled and extremely irritable and sleeping 3.5 hours maximum. Least with sleepers I can get a little extra sleep. If I take them at 10pm I can usually sleep midnight till 2:30am at least. This is while hyped up. When I'm down my sleep still goes all over the place but tends to go longer so I could sleep 12 or more hours. In bad states right through the morning into the afternoon from going to bed at 9pm.

Well this is me and sleep, maybe I shouldn't post this but what the heck.


Illustrated: temazepam 30 ~ this dose should actually work, but no better than zopiclone 7.5! Zopiclone (not licensed in the USA) is like a far superior version of zolpidem (Ambien) zopiclone (Imovane) is called Zimovane in the UK. Nytol one-a-night is diphenhydramine 50mg but I'm not even sure I should be taking that on bipolar mania it might make it worse... (who knows?)

1813 I might try a red light. Blue light keeps you awake; red at the other end of the spectrum definitely makes you sleepy. Hammies can't see it and go pinging about like crazy under red light, they think it's pitch darknesss...

7 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I find that for me, sleep in and of itself, is a drug. I love it. I crave it. I plan for it all day long. Naps are my heaven.
Is this wrong?

Gledwood said...

No but according to some doctors you're a drug addict just for wanting to sleep that really is ridiculous. I ONLY take sleep meds TO SLEEP not to stay up though as I say the benzos do feel nice. I've only been taking the diphenhydramine Nytold/Benadryl for a very short while it just doesn't work over time.

No there's nothing wrong in my view. But ask a doctor they'll probably tell you you need hardcore prison detox and 10 years torture-psychotherapy!

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

I'm glad you finally were able to get some sleep. Not sleeping can be the pits.

Janice~

Ozkatt said...

Hi Gleds, read my post and you'll see what causes me to sleep badly somne nights.

So glad to hear your methodone is lessening. Keep up the good work.

I've only taken a sleeping pill once and I woke up feeling as if I'd been partying all night. I felt dreadful. Never again, I said to myself, and flushed the rest away.

BTW...word verification is tarti. Is that me or you...lol!

Syd said...

Good for you to get some sleep. I got some last night as well. And am sure that I will sleep tonight after working hard all day.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ I am glad you have a diagnosis that you are comfortable
with and the sleep pills help you
some. Best you like the doctor who
tells you the truth. I hope and pray all goes well for you my friend.
Thanks for your comments, my bluebird looks most unhappy and not near as nice as your blue tits. So pretty. Thanks for your concern for me and the people of New Zealand. We have bee free of major calamities for a while, so I guess we had to have a turn.
Take good care Gleds,Love and best wishes, Merle.

Gledwood said...

JANAICE: it makes me very jagged and grrrrouchy; i find it easier to sleep in daylight than at night when i'm too hyped. when i'm hyper i get visions behind my eyes that are too bright at night to sleep to!

PUSSINBOOTS: they say sleeping pills don't give real sleep but i'd rather get a few hours of false or reset my body clock to normal and sleep false than sleep abnormal or not at all

SYD: i used to be able to tire myself out and STILL not sleep, i dont know what was wrong there. then again insomnia can come in 3 strengths like everything mild-moderate-severe and i suppose it had just gone severe

MERLE: there is a bird v similar to the blue tit called the great tit that lives all the way east as far as Japan and as south as Indonesia. blue tits especially are v agile and can easily perch upside down, they sometimes feed upside down too

i try to avoid taking pills but i just do not sleep sometimes; when i do go like that i nearly always sleep during the day, but my body knows what time it is, i don't sleep at night but go a bit quieter usually and get noticably more hyped up around mid morning to late afternoon then calm down a bit in the evening, that's what i noticed before and it happened every day, i was taking pills then and got 2.5 hours a night sleep but felt great!

i wish i could have the good bits without the bad bits but i don't think anyone actually does... even people who only get mania and never any depression, they still get very stressed/anxious/agitated when "high" so it's not all good on the other hand there's a HUGE number of illnesses i'd less rather have, esp. considering this is supposed to be serious i can't think of anything else thats serious and feels fun!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood