HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 04, 2011

£1.50 Roast Dinner

ICELAND'S £1.50 COMPLETE ROAST BEEF DINNER is in the microwave. Cooking merrily away. 6 mins then 3 mins then put the blinkin Yorkshire pudding in then 1 min how many mins mins chuck 'em in the bins shuttup. O man it's WINDY outside. There's been gusting gales the last 2 days.

That brainy Susie Dent is explaining something to do with etymologies of snake bites on Countdown. Susie Dent is my ideal woman. Brainy. Looks like she can handle herself in a fight (joke).

O man this dinner is doing my head in. Microwave. In. Out. Stir it all about.

I just spent an hour in a car in a carpark talking shit with someone to pass time. It was fun in a different way. O man I'm craving alcohol. Shall I get some yes I'm out the door one second...

No I'm not getting any. Yeah I'll get low alcohol Smirnoff cloudy lemonade. If they've restocked. I bought all the last batch!

A load of Yum Yum Smirnoff Vodka stuff went through my head on the way too and from that voddy shop. They've restocked. Know a good vodka customer when they see one (me).

Yeah my name is Gledwood I'm an alkie. I know. I confess. I don't like being a lousy drinker.

I feel hyped up enough already without drink dulling me down. I only took it to dull pain. I'm not in pain now I'm in pleasure so why dull it down? See: stupidity.

Eh that find the money programme is on. When you open boxes. Can't eve n recall the name. DEAL OR NO DEAL! That's it. Thomas is on. "I think this is one of those we're going to remember for a very long time," says Noel Edmunds. Not likely. Who remembers crappy gameshows. Don't answer.

I hear my name come from inanimate objects on the street: does this mean I'm a mentally ill nutter? Don't answer!

Right I have to go, cheerio!

PS Why do people mix up honesty with frankness? I'm frank, doesn't mean I'm honest. I am but I don't see that one means the other. Maybe frankness is a TYPE of honesty. Yeah that'd be it...

PPS That Iceland £1.50 roast beef dinner tasted like the smell of dog food

10 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Sorry to hear your dinner tasted like the smell of dog food. :(

I like Deal or No Deal. :)

Furtheron said...

I cooked a Kashmiri curry!

Cooking a Chinese banquet to celebrate Year of the Rabbit tomorrow!

All washed down with... apple juice of course these days ;-)

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu: it wasn't absolutely terrible but it wasn't as good as if I'd made it myself. I cook perfect to my own taste bc I'm perfectionist. And if I go wrong I nearly always have an idea what I did wrong.

In future I'll stick to Iceland beef in gravy (they also do steak)


Furtheron: I think I'm going to switch to Shloer, which I LOVE but don't want to drink now as I need to keep it separate from alcohol, I don't want to associate Shloer with alcohol craving. I desperately want to stop now...

Anonymous said...

Hi Gledwood. I think you are a bit obsessed with the drinking. You are drinking so little its hardly worth bothering about. I drink as much of not more than that, and no way do I have a drink problem. You are just obsessed with it. As for the microwave roast YUK...cook some proper healthy food mate. You seem to eat rubbish. You need to stop obsessing about drink and drugs and live life. All this blogging and speaking to other drug bloggers is just keeping you in the sh*t. If not just take drugs and enjoy it. At the moment you seem to just fantasise about it, which is pointless

Gledwood said...

You really think my drink is ok?
I just want off the shit. i got told to count units to see where i am do a drink diary etc

the way i think about gear is hard to describe because it's distant and because it doesnt involve me taking it it's not drug porn or read it, even though i use that phrase as a joke

i'm setting up some of those art therapy classes so i can go and paint my feellings down, i'd love to do that and i want pictures for my room.

You don't think I want to break away enough?

Problem I have with Anna especially, she's my good friend and I look out for her. Noah and Melody and Shane don't need that but Anna does need someone to look out for her.

But I don't crave to use. I don't do that festering thing where you want to use and don't and just fester all this desire to use. Each new day that goes by without gear is another tiumph but not numbered. Gear will only make a mess of my osbriety, that's how I see it. And normally I'm buzzing too much on Clean to feel shit about it.

I'm picking up methadone which I drink twice a day and it holds me fine. Thanks for the comment and the v good points.

Note I barely speak about drugs now in blogging. I speak aobut mood swings I had before I was on heroin, they are just more extreme now so I'm blogging my moods more than any drugs now. I hope over the next 2-3 years to turn into a real life blogger someone who blogs about normality... that will take some time with me as I need to pick up those interests. I'd like to do a garden but need a flat with a balcony, else I could do cactuses indoors I spose...

Many thanks for the comment.

Anna Grace said...

Before I get clean w/ u, u have to stop drinking like a fish. I'm going to duel diagnosis clinic on feb 20th. Twentieth it looks like 28. Don't worry I'll still be able to read your posts on my phone. I'll still post on my phone unless the have Internet there.

Why do you think I'm ugly? Tell the truth.

Bimbimbie said...

I'm not a fan of quiz shows. Probably because there were so many of them on tv when I was growing up ... most being cringeworthy at best ;)

So I'm a bit surprised to now find myself tuning into our nightly Letters and Numbers, the Australian version for the UK's long running Countdown. Is it true it was based on a 60's French show?

Janice said...

I never understand why people like to drink, it all tastes like pee to me.

Janice~

Syd said...

Give up the booze for a week and see if you feel better. It seems as if you need to decide whether you have the physical craving and the mental obsession for booze.

Gledwood said...

Anna: no I think the car photo is beautiful, I like the blue wig even though you look pissed off. No I think you look beautiful when you're in a good mood but like me too not good in a shit mood! I think you would make a good actress because your face is v expressive.

Don't pay too much attention to that answer last night I was answering someone who said I was speinding too much time on blogs of people who used gear and I wanted to say "but Anna is my friend" I wasn't calling you a problem, though that's how it looks. Dur. See I'm not always bright and brainy like you say I can be thick as well

Bimbimbie: was countdown based on a French gameshow... I'll try and find out


Countdown (game show)From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Countdown is a British game show made by ITV Studios and broadcast on Channel 4. Since mid-January 2009 it has been presented by Jeff Stelling, assisted by Rachel Riley, with regular lexicographer Susie Dent. It was the first programme aired on Channel 4, and over fifty series have been broadcast since its debut on 2 November 1982. With over 5,000 episodes, it is one of the longest-running game shows in the world, along with the original French version Des chiffres et des lettres which has been running on French television continuously since 1965.


Janice: I used to loathe alcohol. It was no temptation to me. I hated the image, people who drank I didn't like. When I "got into" drugs via uni there was a drink-drug divide. People who toked cannabis hardly ever drank alcohol; alcohol drinkers didn't feel they needed cannabis so the overlap was small. It was hanging around with people who drank hard alcohol on top of heroin that changed my ways. The alcohol intensifies the heroin, which always felt weak, no matter how good it was. Because I was so addicted to it... I don't like the actual taste of alcohol it's vile.

Syd: I'd like to just cut it out. It keeps going too high 3 drinks not 2. Yesterday it was 3.75 units +2.8 +2.8 =9.4 units

I'm going to try drinking nothing at all today

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood