HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Nutter Club Entertainment

I SAW NAOMI the kindly American Nutter Club lady again today ... it's Thursday, NUTTER CLUB DAY!!

Only one other nutter turned up.
I really like this nutter. She was so ill she looked like she was about to fall over and faint. This was side effects from a medication she's taking for a physical problem, not her bipolar meds.

So she was feeling ill. Naomi could see I was amping with energy so I had to go second. Then I did 90% of the talking, calling the drug service an ineptly run dump and slagging off the nurse I partiularly hate, who isn't the one who wanted to label me on the "anxious-avoidant personality disorder" and "dependent personality disorder" axis. Dependent in this context means somebody who is a real white mouse of a person who kind of obeys everything some stronger character thinks they should say and do. Which is yeah so much like me. I really hang my self-esteem on other people. Honestly!

[She came up with this bucketload of shit because I was depressed during all 3 interviews and because she thinks too much. Most of her theories are really intriguing and perceptive but she does go over the top. She's a WAY better nurse than Judgemental Bitch Features who I really loathe.]

As for anxious avoidant I may have anxiety, but if I do it doesn't come with the worrying, obsessively turning over negative thoughts to do with things that won't happen style of thinking. My way of coping is to smack anything negative out of my head. And I don't need the drug smack to do that. To give her credit she did say I'd "satisfied" the diagnostic criteria for mania during my yummy cold turkey detox. But as I EXPLAINED TO HER there's a little proviso in italics under that one saying "not initiated or maintained by an organic aetiological factor" ie you're not manic if you're in heroin withdrawal.

I am going a bit nuts on these DVDs I'm buying. I got another four last night and three today. I FOUND YOUNG VICTORIA. It's Scorsese-directed and A1 though my poor attention span had me losing the plot within 15 minutes or so. The only film I can really tolerate is Mamma Mia because I like the tunes. I got Chicago which is DIRE and I have to say Renee Zellwegger getting fucked by some random man in scene one does NOT make for a certificate 12 in my opinion. I wouldn't want my 12 year old kid watching that.

I got a 3-pack for "only" £7 of Dr Zhivago, Ben Hur and Gone With The Wind. It's Gone With The Wind I hate out of that lot, the other 2 are really cool, especially Ben Hur. Dr Zhivago is more like filmic wallpaper. Anyone who truly has the attention span for that really has my respect. The music is fantastic.

Today I got something called Role Models which is about someone who goes on an Energy Drinks bender (comedy) and a twin-pack American Dreamz (X Factor piss-take) and Intolerable Cruelty (both comedy) and Case 39, which I misread as Case 69 and thought it was about an orgy but it's "supernatural thriller" but disappointingly only certificate 15 ie probably not scary at all. I like STRONG SUPERNATURAL HORROR. Only kind of action film I can tolerate. Ghosts and ghouls! Action films just have me staring at the "action" forgetting what I'm doing, what's going on and on a DVD I'd press eject. They don't excite or impress me.

Apart from GOOD costume drama and GOOD musicals what I really like is COMEDY. Laughter, as they say is the best medicine. Bounty Hunter with Jennifer Anniston was good. Though why on earth it came in a bright pink case I haven't a clue. Hopefully it put lots of people off buying it so I could have it. That's my theory. I love Jennifer Anniston. I'm looking for Bruce Almighty because I like the bit where he makes her boobs bigger.

Well that's today. If you wanna hear more about nutter club there isn't much except me being banged on at by Naomi for not taking my medication (I'm not going to lie). She did aske me why I originally wanted it. NOT TO BE DEPRESSED was the main reason. And going so incredibly fast and hyper high I couldn't even think in English. If I start going that fast I'll take it again and it works QUICK so no worries there. If I crash badly I'm going in the nuthouse. I'm not sitting at home staring into space. Last time the aerial fell off the TV and I didn't notice for 2 days.

Well that's me I'm off. Take care everyone ;-) :-)

dunno exactly what this video is, but if it's trance it's good
o it's a bit slow, ho-hum, tunes are ok though
actually now i've heard a bit some of the tunes aren't bad

ok sorry about that chillout music this is a bit better
GATECRASHER was a northern club where grown men put sticky stars on their faces
all in the name of trance
my trance was hard hippietastic Return To The Source trance
this is what's called Eurotrance, but it's still OK

proper Goa trance
the parties I went to were way more bangin than this but it's a good start
bear in mind a good dj would cut out the "musical chronic fatigue syndrome" beginning and get straight to the "mother ship is landing" proper psychotrance bits
there's a good bit of tune about 3 mins 50 into it: THAT is banging trance!

20:38 I'm watching that Club 69 "supernatural horror" thing in the dark to try and make it more scary. It stars Renee fucking Zelwegger but hopefully she'll be demonically possessed or something. She's really fucking annoying that woman I won't go into why it's something she said in an interview that made me think "you uptight selfish cow". She's very good as Bridget Jones it has to be said. OK it's been going 5 mins and not a ghoul to be seen...

20:52 lights back on; can't see punctuation marks on computer keyboard
no way am i watching a film without surfing the net at the same time, i do not have the focus to give anything my undivided attention these days


Akelamalu said...

Glad to hear you're at least keeping the appointments at the club.

You certainly got some bargain DVDs there Gleds.

Gledwood said...

I've got loads of DVDs not. I'm not doing that sad thing when you have about 2 and know every word of every scene (like videos in the 80s, remember how expensive they were!)

yeah i'm doing appointments i luuuurve nutter club it's the only druggie place i can be myself

unlike NA where i say "i'm on meds for mood swings" and they think i mean antidepressants!

bloody hell antidepressants send me into hyperspace i can't take them!

thanks for the wishes i love your "fuck off" picture

Vincent said...

I like the clips mate. The Paul van Dyk reminds me of when I went to raves myself (only a few ;-)

Gledwood said...

Vincent!! Really!

I know you'd never take anything as disrespectable as MDMA.

So were you on crack instead...!??

Janice said...

Hi Gled,

I'm glad your still working on getting clean and going to your appointments.

I'm surprised your going through American film and here I like British stuff, lol.


Gledwood said...

I do prefer British to American as a general rule, though I love some of those Amerian road movies. We don't really have enough space to go driving for days on end, we'd end up in the sea!

I bought anything that caught my eye that was good enough to circle in the TV guide. They were only £3 to £4 each most of them, which is why I have nearly 40 DVDs now.

I'm not going to be stuck for something to watch for quite some time.

Downside is I've just realized I spent "slightly too much money" on them.... ahem. So I have practically none left now! But I have food, I'm OK.

And I have TONS of good viewing to get through ha ha har!!

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hey Gleds,
You seem loads better. Everybody loses concentration. My concentration swoops down to zero if I'm depressed.
We're all human.
p.s. I think you really helped Anna go straight:)

Gledwood said...

Do you really think I helped Anna go straight? If I did I'd be really happy. There's no future in heroin you're paying to feel OK and that's desperate. I know because I was desperate for years and it was truly awful.

Yeah my attn span hasn't come back at all. I cannot do a book. I can't do anything longer than about 10 minutes. I watch TV, EastEnders etc but you don't need to follow that. I just stare at it thinking about the extras in the background and the decorations and home furnishings and the colours on the screen. Far more interesting than the plots half the time!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I call Renee Zellweger, Squinty Zellweger. She drives me nuts. She should have stopped making films after the Bridget Jones ones, in my view.

Love you. Have a good weekend. Enjoy your films.


Gledwood said...

She was OK in that Case 69 film believe it or not.

What annoyed me about her was her saying "on set I go off into my own place and meditate into my character" and I thought what you mean you act like a diva then making everyone tiptoe around you feeling uncomfortable in their own place of work just because you're a name actress oh just do one you selfish bitch

it was the prissy way she said it as muh as anything and i have very little truk with that macrobiotic yoga shit they do in LA I'd rather she was a coke snorting monster than a health food freak. least coke snorting monsters are less self obsessed

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood