I don't know what was eating me last night, I got really upset in an odd mentalist way (not the way I used to feel upset before). Which doesn't make me feel good. I feel whatever went wrong is still going wrong but medication is blocking some of it out. That if I wasn't on those meds I'd be totally crazy.
I'm not sure that's true but that's how I felt. I was really going into one. I had drunk 2 or 3 cups of tea and the caffeine seemed to disagree with me. I think I'm going to have to switch to decaffeinated. Tea is my way of avoiding alcohol, so it doesn't feel good to be avoiding it. Also I like tea more than cigarettes and THAT is saying something!
I didn't use heroin last night. I didn't even look for a needle. I don't need heroin.
What I felt last night was a desperation I do not like to feel. I wasn't "depressed" if I was anything I was going too fast and hyper. But my body was exhausted, so I slept eventually and slept for hours. Zopiclone (sleeper) and risperidone (antipsychotic) helped.
I woke up feeling calm and clear but this is the issue. I keep telling myself I'm OK then I realize I am not.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I am definitely going to AA; I want their Big Book.
PS: £200 in free bets? I was talking about this yesterday. I think I was getting wires crossed. It was £10. I played a £200 game in Fantasy Money. Dur!