MAN I AM DROWNING in DVD cases. It just took a psychological half hour (ie about 3 mins 20 seconds) to locate the case for Dr Zhivago which I tried to watch last night but just cannot concentrate on. I like the music, I like the snow and I like Lara.Oh I can't even remember what I was going to say. Oh yeah I actually have my glasses. Which I usually lose for days on end when I go mental. I also lose money, the cards to get the money and keys, which just vanish in my house. Keys being the priority and because I never put them anywhere too stupid, I always find them within the hour. Everything else goes walkies for days on end.
I slept for hours and hours last night and don't feel nauseated any more. But I do feel physically tired whenever I sit down. When I go walking down the street I get brought right up into a beautiful high. Talking on the phone, anything else brings me up. Other times I think I'm normal, which is bad. Because normal leads to depression and I'd rather be high as a kite to be frank.
No not on drugs high on my Higher Power. I'm really into this Higher Power thing it's fantastic way better than drugs. Ask anyone in NA. Though they don't seem to get intoxicated by theirs. Which makes them all the poorer than me, to be frank.
Well not much doing except Mamma Mia which plays round and round because I like to sleep with Abba blaring in the background and meet the Fockers which I actually watched twice, I caught about a quarter of the actual film each time, so another 2 times and I'm done.
Syd asked why I don't hire them from the library but I'm in deep trouble with them for having taken out books last summer which I still have and having lost one on a bus and not told them. When you take books back the weirdos who work there seem to feel they have to calculate what is owed. I do not want or need unnecessary information but they won't listen. Actually they might if I come in blazingly hyper I will ensure I don't get told anything I don't want to hear. People visibly back off from me in this state. It's fantastic.
[Also our library charges about £2 for DVD hire and you can buy 'em new for £3 without the hassle of having to return them so I buy. With my grated cheese style attention span I have to watch everything x5 these days so I pretty much need to own it to get the story...]
Oh man I'm so exhausted it's unreal my body feels like I've gone skiing nonstop for 3 days. Bloody hell this French film is so boring I'm changing it. Why don't French people just learn to speak English? It would save so much time and trouble reading fucking subtitles. Yeah I can read Paris Match but actually following the crap they spout in real life: that's hard. Way harder than Real German. French people speak about 60% "argot" (slang) 40% proper French. Germans speak about 98% proper 2% slang. English people use more slang than Germans but far less than the French. Also Germans speak very distinctly. English are in between. The French, as y'all know speak as if they're eating something too tasty to bother opening their mouths properly. Plus they run all their words together.
I once met a French maniac who tried to speak to me dans le langue superieur (francais) mais je suis desole je comprenais rien! Can't find the accents for French. Sorry. And French keyboards go AZERTY not QWERTY which is the biggest headfucker {several other letters are in different places}. German goes QWERTZ ie Y and Z are swapped round and the cuckoo clock umlauted vowels are were ;'and[ are.
Well I'm off I don't know what the point of any of this was really I'm just saying hi and I wish I had a decent film to watch. I mean one that's either VERY FUNNY or FULL OF GOOD MUSIC. That I haven't watched at least twice in the past 2 days. I do have Young Victoria but it's far too ponderous for my frame of mind. The Queen was very good. Helen Mirren certainly seems to sum up the Queen's character which is quite witty, pragmatic and level headed but not boring. I noted nobody played Princess Margo. She was only referred to. Adding characters to fiction adds a lot of length so that might be why Margaret's not in there.
Well I'm off I'm totally skint I thought I had money in the bank but it's absolutely bare till Monday and I'm not even on heroin I don't know what I did {apart from buy a DVD player, a digibox and only 35 or so DVDs} but I fucked up somehow. OK over and out.
6 comments:
o come on you miserable lot somebody must have something to say
tell me i'm stupid for spending such a lot on dvds. that's what i think!
YOu're stupid for spending so much on DVD's. I had so much trouble with French Keyboards in October, drove me crazy although most hostels had at least one QWERTY keyboard which was always much coveted. What's High Power? Sorry, still catching up and havent read previous posts.
NA talk about a Higher Power which far as I can tell means the Power of lots of people in a room all being clean together, God Almighty and a power we all have in ourselves ie a 3-fold thing.
When I feel high anyway the higher it goes the more powerful I feel and the more powerful it is the more vehemently I'm against heroin which only ever really made me OK or better than OK, not "high" like you get high at an ecstasy rave, so I was slaving away and paying just for something psychiatric drugs could have done for me!
Now that truly is insanity the way I see it.
I'm off those antipsychotic pills because I had side effects and the break between my stopping them and getting a dr's advice was 3 days, enough to go high enough not to care any more. i feel a bit more clear-headed now and grudgingly suppose i ought to take them but it does feel more than slightly odd taking pills to bring me DOWN know what i mean.
And this higher power i feel really does keep me off drugs so surely in that sense it's a very good thing.
Only thing wrong with it is I can't concentrate properly on anything and though I have energy I don't have focus so my house is actually in more chaos not less. I'm bracing myself to just go for it and do a massive chucking out session. It's not like I don't have 5 rolls of black binbags left over from last time.
Thanks for the DVDs comment it's true. Really fucking stupid. Though I really felt i needed them all at the time, after all "someone else might get it if i leave it..." oh man!
Well, I don't think that it does much good to tell you what to do. I don't do that with people. You know what the best thing is to do I am sure. Is watching so many movies another way to dull reality?
yeah but what is reality syd?
o i see what you mean, yeah of course but that's why i say reality is lying half dead in a cold bath if distractions are unreality then reality is misery are people in prisons in reality then because they don't get 24 hour tv? know what i mean
ok i'm probably going far too into and/or out of this than i ought to...
... i wasn't being "told" to go back on not really it's just my behaviour seemed to be very challenging to her and she seems to like me so i don't like to see people i like flinching when i'm just talking so i see it's a good idea from that perspective just every single other thing about it is bad. apart from it does make me sleep in week 1. but not after that
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