HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Still flying

MAN I AM DROWNING in DVD cases. It just took a psychological half hour (ie about 3 mins 20 seconds) to locate the case for Dr Zhivago which I tried to watch last night but just cannot concentrate on. I like the music, I like the snow and I like Lara.

Oh I can't even remember what I was going to say. Oh yeah I actually have my glasses. Which I usually lose for days on end when I go mental. I also lose money, the cards to get the money and keys, which just vanish in my house. Keys being the priority and because I never put them anywhere too stupid, I always find them within the hour. Everything else goes walkies for days on end.

I slept for hours and hours last night and don't feel nauseated any more. But I do feel physically tired whenever I sit down. When I go walking down the street I get brought right up into a beautiful high. Talking on the phone, anything else brings me up. Other times I think I'm normal, which is bad. Because normal leads to depression and I'd rather be high as a kite to be frank.

No not on drugs high on my Higher Power. I'm really into this Higher Power thing it's fantastic way better than drugs. Ask anyone in NA. Though they don't seem to get intoxicated by theirs. Which makes them all the poorer than me, to be frank.

Well not much doing except Mamma Mia which plays round and round because I like to sleep with Abba blaring in the background and meet the Fockers which I actually watched twice, I caught about a quarter of the actual film each time, so another 2 times and I'm done.

Syd asked why I don't hire them from the library but I'm in deep trouble with them for having taken out books last summer which I still have and having lost one on a bus and not told them. When you take books back the weirdos who work there seem to feel they have to calculate what is owed. I do not want or need unnecessary information but they won't listen. Actually they might if I come in blazingly hyper I will ensure I don't get told anything I don't want to hear. People visibly back off from me in this state. It's fantastic.

[Also our library charges about £2 for DVD hire and you can buy 'em new for £3 without the hassle of having to return them so I buy. With my grated cheese style attention span I have to watch everything x5 these days so I pretty much need to own it to get the story...]

Oh man I'm so exhausted it's unreal my body feels like I've gone skiing nonstop for 3 days. Bloody hell this French film is so boring I'm changing it. Why don't French people just learn to speak English? It would save so much time and trouble reading fucking subtitles. Yeah I can read Paris Match but actually following the crap they spout in real life: that's hard. Way harder than Real German. French people speak about 60% "argot" (slang) 40% proper French. Germans speak about 98% proper 2% slang. English people use more slang than Germans but far less than the French. Also Germans speak very distinctly. English are in between. The French, as y'all know speak as if they're eating something too tasty to bother opening their mouths properly. Plus they run all their words together.

I once met a French maniac who tried to speak to me dans le langue superieur (francais) mais je suis desole je comprenais rien! Can't find the accents for French. Sorry. And French keyboards go AZERTY not QWERTY which is the biggest headfucker {several other letters are in different places}. German goes QWERTZ ie Y and Z are swapped round and the cuckoo clock umlauted vowels are were ;'and[ are.

Well I'm off I don't know what the point of any of this was really I'm just saying hi and I wish I had a decent film to watch. I mean one that's either VERY FUNNY or FULL OF GOOD MUSIC. That I haven't watched at least twice in the past 2 days. I do have Young Victoria but it's far too ponderous for my frame of mind. The Queen was very good. Helen Mirren certainly seems to sum up the Queen's character which is quite witty, pragmatic and level headed but not boring. I noted nobody played Princess Margo. She was only referred to. Adding characters to fiction adds a lot of length so that might be why Margaret's not in there.

Well I'm off I'm totally skint I thought I had money in the bank but it's absolutely bare till Monday and I'm not even on heroin I don't know what I did {apart from buy a DVD player, a digibox and only 35 or so DVDs} but I fucked up somehow. OK over and out.


Gledwood said...

o come on you miserable lot somebody must have something to say

tell me i'm stupid for spending such a lot on dvds. that's what i think!

Baino said...

YOu're stupid for spending so much on DVD's. I had so much trouble with French Keyboards in October, drove me crazy although most hostels had at least one QWERTY keyboard which was always much coveted. What's High Power? Sorry, still catching up and havent read previous posts.

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

NA talk about a Higher Power which far as I can tell means the Power of lots of people in a room all being clean together, God Almighty and a power we all have in ourselves ie a 3-fold thing.

When I feel high anyway the higher it goes the more powerful I feel and the more powerful it is the more vehemently I'm against heroin which only ever really made me OK or better than OK, not "high" like you get high at an ecstasy rave, so I was slaving away and paying just for something psychiatric drugs could have done for me!

Now that truly is insanity the way I see it.

I'm off those antipsychotic pills because I had side effects and the break between my stopping them and getting a dr's advice was 3 days, enough to go high enough not to care any more. i feel a bit more clear-headed now and grudgingly suppose i ought to take them but it does feel more than slightly odd taking pills to bring me DOWN know what i mean.

And this higher power i feel really does keep me off drugs so surely in that sense it's a very good thing.

Only thing wrong with it is I can't concentrate properly on anything and though I have energy I don't have focus so my house is actually in more chaos not less. I'm bracing myself to just go for it and do a massive chucking out session. It's not like I don't have 5 rolls of black binbags left over from last time.

Thanks for the DVDs comment it's true. Really fucking stupid. Though I really felt i needed them all at the time, after all "someone else might get it if i leave it..." oh man!

Syd said...

Well, I don't think that it does much good to tell you what to do. I don't do that with people. You know what the best thing is to do I am sure. Is watching so many movies another way to dull reality?

Gledwood said...

yeah but what is reality syd?

o i see what you mean, yeah of course but that's why i say reality is lying half dead in a cold bath if distractions are unreality then reality is misery are people in prisons in reality then because they don't get 24 hour tv? know what i mean

ok i'm probably going far too into and/or out of this than i ought to...

... i wasn't being "told" to go back on not really it's just my behaviour seemed to be very challenging to her and she seems to like me so i don't like to see people i like flinching when i'm just talking so i see it's a good idea from that perspective just every single other thing about it is bad. apart from it does make me sleep in week 1. but not after that



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood