HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Risperidone nonpsychotic

midday: I WOKE UP VERY VERY VERY LATE AT 1030 i took 4mg risperidone, it knocked me out of the ballpark. I had incoherent thought and speech last night, did you know that? I didn't dare phone anyone I wasn't far off saying GAAGAGAGAAGAA AA A AAA AAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA down the phone which i did only once when i was crazy. That is what made x cry. I was going off on one before he phoned then I couldn't just stop. It took hours to come down from that. Come down to a "normal level of mania" from "a high level of mania". See my mood cycles between different levels of elevation and down into mild Siberian depression. It used to go from New York Winter to Icelandic Winter (not usually Greenland or North pole" I only got depressed as the South Pole a very small amount of time.

What was I talking about? Wobbly lines. My wobbly line on a 2 week cycle ie the shape of the wobble is up one week down the next. But always under the water. That's what it used to do that is why I 1st got threatened with lithium.

Now he says "mood stabilizer" hopefully valproate not lithium.

Now my mood fluctuates every single day but mostly it stays OVER the water line of "normality". I was crying just now but not sad. I feel things too intense.

See they were wrong they talk of bipolar as being 3-month, 6-month mood swings. This mood swing happens every day. And you do get diurnal variation of mood in mania. Much more markedly so than in depression. I find. I know all this shit remember I got onto a BSc Psychology course. I wanted to know what makes people different from one another. Which is "individual differences" in psychology. But every single thing you say you must justify. E.g. "it is generally light in the morning and dark in the evening" you'd have to quote Smith & Jones 1995. Ukh. Can't just say it. Drove me potty!

i like the hardcore "acid track" 2nd one
they have deliberately taken the consonants off the vowels of that girl speaking
hardcore motherfucker: likely a South African, they love their hardhouse, as do Aussies and Kiwis and the English

1646 I am now on B. Heroin. It doesn't do anything really. I only took it ... for the sake of it. It doesn't make me less psychotic any more (like it used to) doesn't even out my moods (like it definitely used to, more manic than depressed, it toned down; I had depression for months, like a constant wiggly line under water for months on heroin I refused to lie about my heroin intake at clinic so I said I used "nearly every day" to be first in line when diamorphine got brought in.

I am watching a film called The Prophet about a French prison. It is certificate 18 but with bloody gore. I don't like blood any more. Used not to have any fear when I was banging up every day. Not the slightest flight from blood.

If I were in a french prison I woud do leçons de français. I "speak" French but I speak it so terribly it's unreal. When I started working on my German my German was actually worse. In a bilingual French/German document (or a tin of foreign food) I'd turn to French before German that is because French is easier for lazy people. German I understand FAR better now. I learned a lot. And some idiot called me Nazi for it. The reason for German is simple: MONEY MONEY MONEY! Thee most asked after language among foreign language recruitment specialists. I know because I asked, pushing for an Asian answer. Got a European one back. GERMAN: LANGUAGE OF MONEY. What language appears below foreign technological products in UK advertising apart from English? Only German. French for cosmetics. Italian Spanish, Chinese Thai for food. German for cars, washing machines and electronics. Easy. Money easy money. See?

O shit I'm talking like how I did last night. Still manic you see. A bit. Bit manic.

1726 o man this film bullshits around. Do the Corsican mafia really bother with hashish? When they were already involved in heroin in the mid 60s. This is why I label PARIS centre of heroin in Europe before London was. London was diverted prescription heroin. Paris was Turkish opium refined into H4 in Corsica and Marseilles, sold as heroin in Paris and New York (the French connection). There was a small amount of dealing going on between Laos and Europe too. Which is how so many GIs ended up on heroin. The Lao General (not my Valerie) invented that Double UO Globe brand heroin "best in the world". There's supposed to be an Afghan brand "SW 999" which is high grade white; the stuff I came across I say (purely intuitively I admit) I think was "Chinese"; it came when the ordinary gear supply was heavily droughted in 2008. NOthing to the 2010 drought that was an all time EVER worst no question. Only people who had gear were people who were somehow off-circuit. Eitehr they had multi-month or years' supply or they were scoring off people who had brought it in themselves from outside Europe possibly SE Asia.

Heroin prices even rose in the USA, so I hear. Which goes to show heroin is one market but if Afghanistan goes down as major producer everybody else's price rises. Even Mexican yucky TAR. Thank GOD I Never had to go near that shit. I think I would have committed suicide. I cannot stand low quality gear. My nose is so far out of joint from brown let alone BLACK heroin you cannot know. Proper heroin looks like crack in a rock, like talc as powder. That is heroin. H4. Pure white. No citric required. Fucking citric. Waste of space brown powder lumps how did i EVER get into injecting SHIT LIKE THAT?

I have never had my heroin tested by police. I have never been arrested for possession. So I cannot know the purity. But it chimed starngely with official figures that said 20-60% purity with 40% as (obvious) average. Because the best gear was about x3 stronger than the worst. Simple. And anyone selling shit that weak was off my to do list for weeks at a time mate. No fucking way would I ring them back unless for a samps as they call a free taster. One guy wanted me to test for him but it was my responsibility to weigh how many tens of people's happiness by my own standards when in the thick of the drought really it was a 1/10 or even a 0.5/10 and I'd say 4 to be nice "well it's better than the worst" and put it like that. Then another one wanted me testing. And I don't want anything even free that intertwines me more with scumbags selling HEROIN. So in the end I said NO to it all. Had anough even free shit. Id rather pay my own way when i want. I want it barely ever. You still think i'm a junkie think what you like i live my own life you only get a glimpse. Remember you glimpse from the inside not the outside else you wouldn't want to read me. You would pass a person like me by in the street because I have nothing to offer.

Pinxx keeps ringing me up which is nice. She knows I'm psycho now. She described what happens once you get chemical cosh and it doesn't work as her brain has grown around the haloperidol etc she's been on clozaril/ clozapine is now on quetiapine Seroquel. That's what I'm asking for if this stops working. Only thing is it doesn't work at all for sleep yet makes me coshed sometimes by day. And makes it even harder to do anything than it is anyway. REALLY hard. That's why I can't get round to doing anything like this paints shit if I make a big deal it will be even less likely. It's not just buy something like a tin of beans I have canvas paints brushes all yelling and screaming at me I'm supposed to judge how much how many what which etc etc etc I just need a fucking set of stand up proper System 3 (thick, nonwatery) acrylics. I wish the fucking shop sold them simply I don't even know where to go I can't be doing with pisstake shops that fuck you about on price I need SIMPLE that's all I ask for. Simplicity. Where the hell do I go?

1757 hey do you know one time the police STARED AT ME because and JUST because of this. Fucking self-flatterers: in a garage shop their radio crackled and made me jump out of my skin because it reminded me of hearing voices this was years ago when i used to hear voices when i ran the tap. Off of crack. On nothing I heard voices on heroin to be precise which... well you google if you don't believe me. Google heroin and voices. Google heroin and antipsychotic and you'll get a SHEAF of answers saying YES IT IS ANTIPSYCHOTIC albeit mildly in some people. Stronger in me (as was). Doesn't work any more. So I spin round they think I must be guilty of something. Had no reason to stop me and I wasn't going to say "in the mental hospital I used to think people were on the phones as I could hear the dalek voice coming through the other side of the conversation" they just piss me off ASSUMING everybody is like them. A criminal. Or a would be one. One copper once thought I wanted to stare at a stabbing victim al I wanted was my fucking methadone appointment. Not to be cruel but who fucking cares about a stabbing when you wanna get somewhere. So the air ambulance turned up. So what? And this paid-busybody (another motivation to join police: the rarest one is people who genuinely want to make a difference and that's barely anyone) she assumed I wanted to look. I think she picked up I wasn't in the slightest bit interested and let me through. Silly cow.

I was wondering why I got bugged so much years later: it's being judged the same as THEY THINK when totally diffferrent. That's why I don't care about being judged mad, because I knew I was different just didn't know in what way. You cannot possibly "know" you are schiz. Especially paranoid schiz (which I'm not). I get paranoia now and then but it' "ideation" ie ideas not delusions. I don't believe I have a microchip in my brain broadcasting thoughts out. And nothinng changes the mind. That's paranoid schiz type stuff. I get generalized schiz. Need to remember to move my body out of position. For years when I slept I stayed in one spot, one body posture have to consciously move. Of course we all move in our sleep I move less. When I was mentaly ill I had to remember to move my hands off my face when I made a gesture of despair. I have to remember to do tiny things because they all add up to big complexities. Thats why i can't check email sometimes there's too much hoop jumping the STUPID THING MAKES IT TOO DIFFICULT FOR ME I just cannot handle it. Anyay I'm going to say goodbye for now if you can't find me here look in my comments for the new blog address. Look to my profile if it's still there. I don't trust this thing ever to sign me in again nothing works. I don't work but I'm not Paid they're a professional company the council are paid they let me down all the time I have to go much love to all.

1907 finally spellchecker has sorted most of this out, sorry to anyone who got the dreadful first version with all-over-the-place lettering + I added ç to my français!

Illustrated: tiny blue tits with great tits; they apparently "form mixed winter flocks" and go feeding together


Bimbimbie said...

Don't let the fact that your local art supplier doesn't stock the brand you are looking for Gleds. Just get the basics to get you started and build from there.

Are there any art groups you can join via your Drs? Ask them what's available to you - art has long played a major role in helping people through illness, physical and mental. Save time and frustration ask the people who are there to help you at the Drs*!*

Gledwood said...

I don't know about the groups I need to ask. This is why I needed a word to use. I might have talked about throwing it around bc I was angry. But without it I couldn't even get self-help bc I didn't know what I was helping and see I was wrong I spotted bipolar but schiz- in schizoaffective you cannot know you have you just wouldn't see it was there it has to be someone else's opinion. I had the same problem with personality disorders. You need the characteristics more than the average person. Strangely I came out high on schizotypal and schizoid but that might be illness not personality y'know. I'm going to ask Naomi about other groups...

... we don't have a local art supplier. The major ones will have the brand I want it's major i just have to be careful it's the thick stuff not the thin stuff if I buy outside that brand and it stresses me to think about it. I'd much rather be "go with the flow" etc etc but when I do that all chaos flows in my wake as I focus on nothing and nothing gets done so I have to strike a balance I just have never got right... y'know..!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood