I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.
I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.
My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.
This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.
If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.
PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe) mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...
PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!
Attack of the Furry Entertainers!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Risperidone nonpsychotic
midday: I WOKE UP VERY VERY VERY LATE AT 1030 i took 4mg risperidone, it knocked me out of the ballpark. I had incoherent thought and speech last night, did you know that? I didn't dare phone anyone I wasn't far off saying GAAGAGAGAAGAA AA A AAA AAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA down the phone which i did only once when i was crazy. That is what made x cry. I was going off on one before he phoned then I couldn't just stop. It took hours to come down from that. Come down to a "normal level of mania" from "a high level of mania". See my mood cycles between different levels of elevation and down into mild Siberian depression. It used to go from New York Winter to Icelandic Winter (not usually Greenland or North pole" I only got depressed as the South Pole a very small amount of time.
What was I talking about? Wobbly lines. My wobbly line on a 2 week cycle ie the shape of the wobble is up one week down the next. But always under the water. That's what it used to do that is why I 1st got threatened with lithium.
Now he says "mood stabilizer" hopefully valproate not lithium.
Now my mood fluctuates every single day but mostly it stays OVER the water line of "normality". I was crying just now but not sad. I feel things too intense.
See they were wrong they talk of bipolar as being 3-month, 6-month mood swings. This mood swing happens every day. And you do get diurnal variation of mood in mania. Much more markedly so than in depression. I find. I know all this shit remember I got onto a BSc Psychology course. I wanted to know what makes people different from one another. Which is "individual differences" in psychology. But every single thing you say you must justify. E.g. "it is generally light in the morning and dark in the evening" you'd have to quote Smith & Jones 1995. Ukh. Can't just say it. Drove me potty!
HARDHOUSE MINIMIX i like the hardcore "acid track" 2nd one they have deliberately taken the consonants off the vowels of that girl speaking hardcore motherfucker: likely a South African, they love their hardhouse, as do Aussies and Kiwis and the English
1646 I am now on B. Heroin. It doesn't do anything really. I only took it ... for the sake of it. It doesn't make me less psychotic any more (like it used to) doesn't even out my moods (like it definitely used to, more manic than depressed, it toned down; I had depression for months, like a constant wiggly line under water for months on heroin I refused to lie about my heroin intake at clinic so I said I used "nearly every day" to be first in line when diamorphine got brought in.
I am watching a film called The Prophet about a French prison. It is certificate 18 but with bloody gore. I don't like blood any more. Used not to have any fear when I was banging up every day. Not the slightest flight from blood.
If I were in a french prison I woud do leçons de français. I "speak" French but I speak it so terribly it's unreal. When I started working on my German my German was actually worse. In a bilingual French/German document (or a tin of foreign food) I'd turn to French before German that is because French is easier for lazy people. German I understand FAR better now. I learned a lot. And some idiot called me Nazi for it. The reason for German is simple: MONEY MONEY MONEY! Thee most asked after language among foreign language recruitment specialists. I know because I asked, pushing for an Asian answer. Got a European one back. GERMAN: LANGUAGE OF MONEY. What language appears below foreign technological products in UK advertising apart from English? Only German. French for cosmetics. Italian Spanish, Chinese Thai for food. German for cars, washing machines and electronics. Easy. Money easy money. See?
O shit I'm talking like how I did last night. Still manic you see. A bit. Bit manic.
1726 o man this film bullshits around. Do the Corsican mafia really bother with hashish? When they were already involved in heroin in the mid 60s. This is why I label PARIS centre of heroin in Europe before London was. London was diverted prescription heroin. Paris was Turkish opium refined into H4 in Corsica and Marseilles, sold as heroin in Paris and New York (the French connection). There was a small amount of dealing going on between Laos and Europe too. Which is how so many GIs ended up on heroin. The Lao General (not my Valerie) invented that Double UO Globe brand heroin "best in the world". There's supposed to be an Afghan brand "SW 999" which is high grade white; the stuff I came across I say (purely intuitively I admit) I think was "Chinese"; it came when the ordinary gear supply was heavily droughted in 2008. NOthing to the 2010 drought that was an all time EVER worst no question. Only people who had gear were people who were somehow off-circuit. Eitehr they had multi-month or years' supply or they were scoring off people who had brought it in themselves from outside Europe possibly SE Asia.
Heroin prices even rose in the USA, so I hear. Which goes to show heroin is one market but if Afghanistan goes down as major producer everybody else's price rises. Even Mexican yucky TAR. Thank GOD I Never had to go near that shit. I think I would have committed suicide. I cannot stand low quality gear. My nose is so far out of joint from brown let alone BLACK heroin you cannot know. Proper heroin looks like crack in a rock, like talc as powder. That is heroin. H4. Pure white. No citric required. Fucking citric. Waste of space brown powder lumps how did i EVER get into injecting SHIT LIKE THAT?
I have never had my heroin tested by police. I have never been arrested for possession. So I cannot know the purity. But it chimed starngely with official figures that said 20-60% purity with 40% as (obvious) average. Because the best gear was about x3 stronger than the worst. Simple. And anyone selling shit that weak was off my to do list for weeks at a time mate. No fucking way would I ring them back unless for a samps as they call a free taster. One guy wanted me to test for him but it was my responsibility to weigh how many tens of people's happiness by my own standards when in the thick of the drought really it was a 1/10 or even a 0.5/10 and I'd say 4 to be nice "well it's better than the worst" and put it like that. Then another one wanted me testing. And I don't want anything even free that intertwines me more with scumbags selling HEROIN. So in the end I said NO to it all. Had anough even free shit. Id rather pay my own way when i want. I want it barely ever. You still think i'm a junkie think what you like i live my own life you only get a glimpse. Remember you glimpse from the inside not the outside else you wouldn't want to read me. You would pass a person like me by in the street because I have nothing to offer.
Pinxx keeps ringing me up which is nice. She knows I'm psycho now. She described what happens once you get chemical cosh and it doesn't work as her brain has grown around the haloperidol etc she's been on clozaril/ clozapine is now on quetiapine Seroquel. That's what I'm asking for if this stops working. Only thing is it doesn't work at all for sleep yet makes me coshed sometimes by day. And makes it even harder to do anything than it is anyway. REALLY hard. That's why I can't get round to doing anything like this paints shit if I make a big deal it will be even less likely. It's not just buy something like a tin of beans I have canvas paints brushes all yelling and screaming at me I'm supposed to judge how much how many what which etc etc etc I just need a fucking set of stand up proper System 3 (thick, nonwatery) acrylics. I wish the fucking shop sold them simply I don't even know where to go I can't be doing with pisstake shops that fuck you about on price I need SIMPLE that's all I ask for. Simplicity. Where the hell do I go?
1757 hey do you know one time the police STARED AT ME because and JUST because of this. Fucking self-flatterers: in a garage shop their radio crackled and made me jump out of my skin because it reminded me of hearing voices this was years ago when i used to hear voices when i ran the tap. Off of crack. On nothing I heard voices on heroin to be precise which... well you google if you don't believe me. Google heroin and voices. Google heroin and antipsychotic and you'll get a SHEAF of answers saying YES IT IS ANTIPSYCHOTIC albeit mildly in some people. Stronger in me (as was). Doesn't work any more. So I spin round they think I must be guilty of something. Had no reason to stop me and I wasn't going to say "in the mental hospital I used to think people were on the phones as I could hear the dalek voice coming through the other side of the conversation" they just piss me off ASSUMING everybody is like them. A criminal. Or a would be one. One copper once thought I wanted to stare at a stabbing victim al I wanted was my fucking methadone appointment. Not to be cruel but who fucking cares about a stabbing when you wanna get somewhere. So the air ambulance turned up. So what? And this paid-busybody (another motivation to join police: the rarest one is people who genuinely want to make a difference and that's barely anyone) she assumed I wanted to look. I think she picked up I wasn't in the slightest bit interested and let me through. Silly cow.
I was wondering why I got bugged so much years later: it's being judged the same as THEY THINK when totally diffferrent. That's why I don't care about being judged mad, because I knew I was different just didn't know in what way. You cannot possibly "know" you are schiz. Especially paranoid schiz (which I'm not). I get paranoia now and then but it' "ideation" ie ideas not delusions. I don't believe I have a microchip in my brain broadcasting thoughts out. And nothinng changes the mind. That's paranoid schiz type stuff. I get generalized schiz. Need to remember to move my body out of position. For years when I slept I stayed in one spot, one body posture have to consciously move. Of course we all move in our sleep I move less. When I was mentaly ill I had to remember to move my hands off my face when I made a gesture of despair. I have to remember to do tiny things because they all add up to big complexities. Thats why i can't check email sometimes there's too much hoop jumping the STUPID THING MAKES IT TOO DIFFICULT FOR ME I just cannot handle it. Anyay I'm going to say goodbye for now if you can't find me here look in my comments for the new blog address. Look to my profile if it's still there. I don't trust this thing ever to sign me in again nothing works. I don't work but I'm not Paid they're a professional company the council are paid they let me down all the time I have to go much love to all.
1907 finally spellchecker has sorted most of this out, sorry to anyone who got the dreadful first version with all-over-the-place lettering + I added ç to my français!
Illustrated: tiny blue tits with great tits; they apparently "form mixed winter flocks" and go feeding together
Don't let the fact that your local art supplier doesn't stock the brand you are looking for Gleds. Just get the basics to get you started and build from there.
Are there any art groups you can join via your Drs? Ask them what's available to you - art has long played a major role in helping people through illness, physical and mental. Save time and frustration ask the people who are there to help you at the Drs*!*
I don't know about the groups I need to ask. This is why I needed a word to use. I might have talked about throwing it around bc I was angry. But without it I couldn't even get self-help bc I didn't know what I was helping and see I was wrong I spotted bipolar but schiz- in schizoaffective you cannot know you have you just wouldn't see it was there it has to be someone else's opinion. I had the same problem with personality disorders. You need the characteristics more than the average person. Strangely I came out high on schizotypal and schizoid but that might be illness not personality y'know. I'm going to ask Naomi about other groups...
... we don't have a local art supplier. The major ones will have the brand I want it's major i just have to be careful it's the thick stuff not the thin stuff if I buy outside that brand and it stresses me to think about it. I'd much rather be "go with the flow" etc etc but when I do that all chaos flows in my wake as I focus on nothing and nothing gets done so I have to strike a balance I just have never got right... y'know..!
I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!
METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH
Heroin Shortage: News
If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.
Christiane F
"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools.
Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross...
Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way.CHRISTIANE F:
TRAILER
You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.
To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...
DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today? If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!
Drugs Videos
Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.
If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.
Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"
In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"
Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).
Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"
Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.
Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).
Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...
And lastly:
German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!
Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?
Here's the 4-methylmethcathinone molecule. This is the "cocaine plus ecstasy"-style "legal high" I took that time and didn't even know what it was... After a brief but intense craze for meow, it was eventually banned in the UK in April 2010
If you wanna see what manic looks like, watch this. If this is the mood she stayed in all day she'd be moderately manic (severely manic is literally all over the place verging into complete incoherence)... I have been known to yell the same stuff over and over, which is why I like this:
Ferry Corsten remix. William Orbit performance. Samuel Barber's Adagio
DJ Seduction: Starlight August 1992
I love this style of music and WHY do kidz today call it OLD SCHOOL? MAKE ME FEEL ANCIENT WHY DONCHA! I really like that ting-ting-tong tune that comes into it about 3 mins in "release the spirit" yeah....! Respect goin' out LizzyD Yeah ;-)
Angelina Joelie: Crazy Chic
Girl Interrupted: best scenes
Mozart's Requiem Tranced Up
I like danced-up tunes now that I'm "OLD". Like this one... The actual name of the tune is "lacrimosa" which means sad. Which is weird it actually sounds uplifting. but there ya go:~~~~~~~~
Click herefor the Drought Post, news is in the comments.
Because there's more than 200 comments, look closely at the bottom of the form for for "Newer/Newest" - THAT is where you click to find most recent comments.
PETITION THE GOVT FOR PROPER PRESCRIBING TO ADDICTS: CLICK HERE
Royals and rugby
-
Today is the birthday of King Charles. I remember that because it's two
days after mine and it was also the birthday of Donna, my best friend in
infant s...
HODGEPODGE NOVEMBER 14
-
1. What's something you think is under appreciated. Explain.
*I would say some artists, some are real good but don't know the right
people.*
2. As win...
A FAVOURITE FOOD FOR A FAVOURITE SAINT
-
Our *estate di San Martino* (Saint Martin's summer) has been well and truly
over since Sunday and I sit here writing this on a cold, rainy afternoon. A
pro...
Blogging Break
-
I'm taking a break from blogging, for two major reasons :a. I find it
hard to concentrate on chosen topics, while there's war and tragedy going
on in m...
Part 2 of "When you are So Mad!!!"
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No, Ive not been set free yet! LOL
I've thought so much about this topic of anger. I'm determined to not let
my life be consumed by my feelings of betr...
It Is Thanksgiving Week
-
9 years ago on Thanksgiving morning I wrote a post about what does the
parent of addict have to be thankful about? It is the week of Thanksgiving
2023 a...
Nothing has changed …
-
Well well well …..
No editing I’m 60. And nothing has changed. … nothing. Well yeah, the
boys have grown and flown. The girl has grown and is turni...
The Trauma of Beautiful Things Audio Recording
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*(Dedicated to long time reader & friend Soc Priapist... XxX)*
The Trauma of Beautiful Things
I feel it so profoundly that it comes through me as a sa...
Yeah
-
No, I am not returning, just updating out of boredom. Plus writing on my
phone sucks, so it won't be a long post.
Yep my book sucks, makes close to no mon...
Dona Nobis Pacem
-
Due to moving home I haven't had time to create a new Peace Globe this
year, but I didn't want to let the Peace movement down so I've used last
year's ef...
The end.
-
Saturday, October 28th 2017.
Well, here I am editing my last blog post. It's been exactly 10 years since
I started. The main reason being that I emigrated ...
Too Bad Its Monday Humor + KATZ
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Sometimes Saintly Nick hasn't been feeling well recently. He spent most of
today at hospital having test run. As you know, he has cancer and the tests
ar...
Great article about addiction
-
Drug use is common, drug addiction is rare. About one adult in three will
use an illegal drug in their lifetime and just under 3m people will do so
this ye...
Obat Herbal Stroke Berat dan Ringan
-
*Obat Herbal Stroke* - Penyakit ini terjadi karena peredaran darah didalam
organ otak mengalami penyumbatan atau gangguan. Penyakit Stroke ini adalah
adany...
The People You Meet
-
Not saying this is a come back of any type, but after farewelling my
darling friend Jeffrey today, I felt the overwhelming need to blog. Met a
weird Japan...
Despair and Dissolution
-
I haven't written partly because I was confused by the new setup. Took me
ages just to get to my blog. Frustration.
Everyone can say "I told you so". Hate...
A long time coming....
-
I cannot believe I have neglected this blog for so long.
Just to let you know I will be uploading a post in the next couple of days.
Things are good.
My hea...
Gone but never forgotten
-
Hello everyone....
Saturday the 24th May would of been Merle's 80th birthday...
Unfortunately she is gone, but never forgotten...
I just thought I would ...
Everything in it's place
-
Yum.That people are reading this in Israel and Indonesia, as well as so
many other places around the world that I never would've expected is pretty
fuckin...
How to Negotiate With Used Cars Dealers
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Car traders have excellent discussing abilities. They know how to deal with
their clients with their methods and methods to make sure that they shop.
Amazi...
starry starry night…
-
Ho Ho Ho! Hope everyone had a merry fucking Christmas and will enjoy a
drunken orgy of pleasure on New Years Eve. I had a nice Christmas Day with
Melinda(a...
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
-
.....I think the time has come to acknowledge that I'm not actually
blogging any more.....
PLUS
I'm off on Sunday for a Big Adventure Down Under, with L...
-
Before we dive into another cracker from Paul Gallagher, I first must
congratulate Scott Rush for having his death penalty annulled and the
sentence been ...
Daze of Summer
-
Her mentor is one of the most gentle people on the planet. He catches flies
in his hands and sets them free outside his studio, and he flicks
mosquitoes a...
Musings
-
A week has passed since my last post and it's been a week of contrasts.
Right smack bang in the middle of week, Wednesday, was Australia Day, a
public holi...
Who buys CRACK without Brown ?
-
See these F.cking dealers up here they cant get the brown sold cause its
shite so lots of people are just buying Whisky and im thinking to myself No
For Me...
-
Would you trust someone who was never sure if they loved you?
I want to be held (or posses a large amount of drugs)
I want to be skinny and pretty
I want...
The Neighbour's Gun
-
I remember those lazy summer nights. In my light, light dress, I would open
the window and gaze at the moon in the night. I would look and almost feel
th...
THIS is classic slice-of-life video; filmed from a sushibar conveyor belt in Japan. You don't need sound for this one (unless you speak Japanese...)
Never Mind The Balearics...
LOST WEEKENDS... Lost weeks... Lost lives...
THE SPANISH ISLE of Ibiza is the "spiritual home" of much British dance music...
Eva Cassidy: Autumn Leaves
I wonder if Autumn is as miserable your end as it is here..? This song wonderfully reinterpreted by Eva Cassidy (I think) brought tears to my eyes when I first heard it. See what you think ...
Christiane F
Christiane F
("Wir Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo")
Berlin has long been a centre of "alternative" living, attracting the artistic and dejected. And of course heroin rushes into such a void:
You can see the film in its entirety by clicking HERE.
These are my 3 roborovski hamsters!
(And now there is one...) Itchy, Bashful and Spherical... Itchy, the scruffy, dopey (and tamest one) died a few weeks ago. I was very ****** off (no swearing on this blog (or I'd be effing and blinding all the time...)). Spherical and Bashful were the remaining "Trotters" aka Hamsta MCs, Carrot Nose and Trotter Donkey ... until Trotterdonkey died and now poor Spherical Carrot Nose remains alone ...
What name should I give to my fictional slavering English mastiff hellhound..??
Name the Uncooth Doggie...
NOW I'M PUTTING UP A NEW POLL...My forthcoming fiction shall feature a giant, ill-tempered slavering hellhound of an English Mastiff who spends her time savaging pram wheels, dolls, etc; pulling soft toys apart... growling at houseguests, baying at the light fittings etc etc. She has a total personality change, however, when she gets "raped" down the park by a local rottweiler... leading to a howling, baying, snaggle-toothed litter of puppies!Anyway, which of these three names do you think fits best?(In alphabetical order)GwendolinaPansyTinkerbelle???Vote now ...!!
London Time
GMT (aka "Universal Standard Time"):
ahead of the Americas; behind everywhere else...
Trisch & Jen on the phone
Real life spooky phone call. Trisch Li is speaking to her friend Jen, who has a stalker sneaking round the side of her house. I Love the film exposure. I love the funky background. And I love Trisch. She had bipolar. She died. She left some amazing stuff behind ...You can see Trisch manic here.
Moby: Go
Anyone who was a Twin Peaks fan will know this tune: the in-sequence floaty tune played in-episode (not the theme tune) that made that tellyprog so dreamy.
This tune is something else:~~~~~~~
Future Sound of London: Papua New Guinea
THIS tune is transcendently beautiful.
Thank you to Lizzy who reminded me:~~~~~~~
The Orb: Little Fluffy Clouds (Danny Tengalia)
Archetypal triphead/herb-tokers' tune ...
Urban Shakedown: Some Justice
One of my all time favourite "hardcore" rave tunes. The "woman" singing "we live as one family" is actually a man speeded up. The primal line "Now eeeee-yeah-oh-eeeee-yeah we live as one family," sounded to me like the sun rising at psychedelic dawn. For a long time there was forever a part of me left from this 1991-1992 era, still out there, tripping in a certain corn-on-the-cob field at dawn...
Praga Khan: Injected with a Poison
Sums up what my attitude used to be and is once again to gear. That because, "There's a rainbow inside your mind ... Injected with a poison.... we don't need that any more."
Scott McKenzie: San Francisco
I really used to believe all this crap with all my heart. Peace and love and chemical dreams. If you've ever tripped out high upon higher and sublime upon sublime there is no way of bringing the beauty of the experience back with you... I once had a friend down who brought some cocaine. I did some lines and was soon stuck to the ceiling. I had tickets for a rave in south London. He was too wasted to go. So I had to negotiate an hour and a half nightbus ride all the way down. By Trafalgar Square I was eeing out on 2 pills as well and my eyes such massive discs I couldn't read the bus time tables and had to tell passers-by I'd "forgotten my reading glasses" (how embarrassing)... then I arrived around 3pm. DUR! Not pm (wasn't THAT late 3AM): though these pills didn't wear off till well after 11am which made them superstrong... anyhow... Security let me straight in I'd obviously taken all my drugs (indeed I had: felt like I was flying by this point)... first person I encountered was a middle-aged woman in a ball gown swaying back and forth in the foyer (Brixton Academy: a venue for 5000) I told her: "you are so cool". We subsequently made friends. Watching this video and seeing how stuck in the neverending moment of bliss some "flower kids" are I remember this lady having to tell me: "there's the party. Then the party's over. You have to accept that." But I never could. I wanted happiness to last for ever...
SCOTT MACKENZIE HAS GONE (copyright reasons)
HERE'S JOE BELTRAM 1990 ENERGY FLASH
Who is the superior writer? (From... in no particular order...)
Itchy's "Windy" Face
Not because she has the "farts" but because she "runs like the wind on a windy day" this is Itchy's look when she is nervous...
Bashful and Spherical look like this
(Itchy is a bit smaller)
Bashful's Lookie-Lykie
Hello you Tiny Tubby! Roborovskis are the tiniest of all hamsters, being a mere 5cm/2" fully grown... "Bashful" is pulling a bit of a grumpy face here; but hey!
Should my daily videos stay giant on the top or go mini on my sidebar? (You can only vote once.)
Doggie or Kittie?
You Are: 50% Dog, 50% Cat
You are a nice blend of cat and dog.
You're playful but not too needy. And you're friendly but careful.
And while you have your moody moments, you're too happy to stay upset for long.
38 year-old guy, 6 blogs (the main one is gledwood vol 2 so go there for new postings: blogs are linked via my sidebars), I also have 3 video blogs. One mainly music vids, the other random "novelty" clips from Youtube/etc. The third is my Fabulous Celebrity Blog for fans of trash culture. Unfortunately addicted to drugs - yes it was my own fault but what can I do about it now? Addicted means trapped & can't stop. That's how addicted I am. But that's not ALL I blog about. Apart from drugs I love drink. Apart from drink I'm into little furry animals like Pingpong, my Chinese hamster, and my 3 roborovski hamsters: Itchy, Bashful and Spherical... and ... er, food. Lately there has been a drought of the substance that enslaved me for so long. Will I clean up? Only time will tell...
Fun, comforting, and friendly.
You are a true classic, and while you're not super cutting edge, you're high quality.
People love your company - and have even been known to get addicted to you.
2 comments:
Don't let the fact that your local art supplier doesn't stock the brand you are looking for Gleds. Just get the basics to get you started and build from there.
Are there any art groups you can join via your Drs? Ask them what's available to you - art has long played a major role in helping people through illness, physical and mental. Save time and frustration ask the people who are there to help you at the Drs*!*
I don't know about the groups I need to ask. This is why I needed a word to use. I might have talked about throwing it around bc I was angry. But without it I couldn't even get self-help bc I didn't know what I was helping and see I was wrong I spotted bipolar but schiz- in schizoaffective you cannot know you have you just wouldn't see it was there it has to be someone else's opinion. I had the same problem with personality disorders. You need the characteristics more than the average person. Strangely I came out high on schizotypal and schizoid but that might be illness not personality y'know. I'm going to ask Naomi about other groups...
... we don't have a local art supplier. The major ones will have the brand I want it's major i just have to be careful it's the thick stuff not the thin stuff if I buy outside that brand and it stresses me to think about it. I'd much rather be "go with the flow" etc etc but when I do that all chaos flows in my wake as I focus on nothing and nothing gets done so I have to strike a balance I just have never got right... y'know..!
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