HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Heroin Abuse Update

WHAT ON EARTH WAS I DOING EARLIER? Answer: heroin. I took it because I was miserable and it worked. Sheer unconsciousness. 2nd stab and I was in. Pushed the dark brown popy juice straight into my lower right thigh, held the leg up to the ceiling, which I have to do with my legs; the circulation is so poor; within 30 seconds I felt that unfamiliar poppy-crap feeling doing stuff I don't need to body and brain. Within 2 minutes I was in my bathroom slumped over the sink wondering what I was doing. I needed to go out to get my cherry cyder to potentiate the heroin so I did (not that the heroin needed making any stronger...)

Each £10 bag (2 for £15) contained a tiny lump which didn't even smell B I thought "what is this? The usual ripoff!) then I cooked up and smelled something but it still looked to me like a dark dye was in the mix. I didn't bother taking it in 2 and wasn't bothered about overdosing so I took it all together and it knocked the living crap out of me. I couldn't even tell you it was fun as the days when strong heroin felt like fun are long gone. It wasn't as heavy as 7 valium blues I had last night it has to be said, but the unconsciousness was probably deeper.

Which is why I left in the blog-nonsense I typed when I repeatedly gauwched (rhymes with crouched: means "to go into heroin-induced stupor") at the computer. I thought I'd show you what heroin actually does.

The other thing it does is barely anything and that's when you get tolerance to it as anybody who takes enough for long enough will. Even when I was on £100 a day (only for a few weeks) I never got that out of it. Perhaps because I was speedballing my heroin with crack (another £40 a day) my tolerance shot so high. Speedballing means you drop crack into the cooked up heroin or simply cook together and get an intensely powerful IV hit. When I had money my snowballs were "15 and 5" meaning £15 of B (0.4g at the time) and £5 of crack (0.1g at the time). This was a few years ago when drugs were stronger and deals more generous than nowadays. The heroin-coke mixture is intensely addictive and very difficult to stop doing. Even when I reduced the cocaine contingent to £2 against £10B I still couldn't give up that "sparkle of coke" as I called it ...

I haven't the slightest intention of using again tomorrow. I got better value when I was spending £15 a day on DVDs. Least I have a slew of movies to show for that! Tonight, when my wooly consciousness cleared out a bit, I put on The Aviator with Leo DiCaprio and Cate Blanchett; he reminds me of me: repeating over and over the same words. That's something I do when I go cuckooclocks! Did you know that OCD and bipolar mood originate in the same area of the brain? Makes sense that when I had my mini nervous breakdown as a kid. I launched from my "I'm dying of cancer!" depression direct into "I'm contaminated!" OCD. I was uncomfortable turning on taps. Doors I opened with elbows or feet or waited for somebody else to do the opening; noses were revoltingly contaminated. Snot comes from noses and snot was vile.

So you see this started in childhood and nobody knew what was in my head. Even when they asked, I could barely answer: I wasn't brought up to express my feelings (as, let's face it, children weren't. Not until the present day and age when kids seem to have all manner of conduct disorders and oppositional-defiant issues to contend with.... My extreme "compliance" as Dr Smartarse (the one I would gone crazy if he dared treat me for my present problems) left me as an adult with Vast reserves of self-control. Without such self-control I might easily have done something truly stupid during my "I'll clean my house with kerosene and matches" urges in more extreme phases of mania. So you see I have nothing about which to be bitter against my parents. Neither one made any mistake I myself wouldn't make with a child of my own.

I have my parents to thank for teaching me right from wrong, which not all parents seem to do. So when I turned junkie I was a dirty desperate junkie, but not a vicious one.

And I'm still a junkie today. A methadone junkie perhaps, who picked up heroin yesterday. But I know what I want and I don't want heroin. As my own saying goes: Even when it's good, it's shit. And that's heroin for you in a nutshell. In Marianne Faithfull's words: "A big waste of time"... Illustrated: opium sap; yucky brown Afghan heroin (proper gear is talc white); an obviously faked-up photo as no junkie ever draws up a hit of B without carefully filtering!

SUGABABES: SHAPE
originally by sting; way better by these girls
ignore the ad at the beginning



10 comments:

Jeannie said...

It doesn't sound like you are particularly addicted to heroin any more. If you are not driven to taking it every day any more and don't get any satisfaction out of it. Like me with cigarettes. I occasionally get the urge to smoke - I remember when I enjoyed smoking - bit when I try it, it's horrible. Not like it was back then.
I think you are really craving feeling better maybe?

Akelamalu said...

I'm sorry you lapsed Gleds but you should look on it as just that - a lapse. Start again and remember Just for Today. x

bugerlugs63 said...

so so glad u ok.
gotta go lidl now
back later
just checked in 2 c that u still with us.
x ;-)

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Sad, terribly terribly sad. I only read the first couple sentances ... that's all you need to read in order to see the truth.

"Had no intension..."
"took it because I was miserable and it worked..."

the rest is insanity.

Those two sentances are counter-intuitive and together they tell the truth. How sick you are, how terribly terribly sick. And you really don't want to go to any lengths to stop, you still want to find some other explaination and solution.

It's all just reasonable justification and argument coming after the insane compulsion and obsession have overcome again.

The sad fact is that there's more percentage chance than not that someday, probably soon, this blog will cease to be updated...just stop...

because you're still trying to figure out what disorder you have so that you can find another medical solution. And heroin is still available and works for you.

In that state, you cannot see the horrific damage ... the hours and resources the incredible care that are being invested in the waste...

Addicts can't see how much has been invested and trashed trying to show a different light, a different life, a different perspective... Only the sane can see that, only those who really do see a larger perspective than their own selfish one.

all the addict sees is their own discomfort, their own anger, their own anxiety and their own sadness... and in that sight, only seek solace from that world.

Thinking of what others suffer and overcome just doesn't come to mind in light of our own pain, anger, damage, hurt and anxiety.

So invested in our own sickness and our own solutions we refuse to seek God as the one solution to all pain, all disorder, all discomfort and disease.

Sicker than most, more mis-understood than most. The kind that believe we're different, somehow worse off than the rest because you're still of the mind that you have a justifiable disorder that makes you unique and unable to receive and do what the rest of us recovered have done because we were desperate enough not to have any more reservations or unwillingness to try the God thing dispite the unresolved diagnoses that could still be lurking. We just finally gave up and said... screw it, I don't want any more human ideas, no more medical solutions I JUST WANT OUT OF THIS>>> GOD PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! HELP ME!

Finally just broke...fell to my knees in desperation and asked God for help. I said, I'll do anything...anything at all to stop this insanity. And for once, I truly meant it.

I believe God understood, believed me and showed up. God does show up for all those who want Him enough. That's the only experience I have that's truly worth sharing. He truly does.

God be with you Gled.

God be with you.

Gattina said...

Dear Gled,
I already asked you several times if your email is still your hamster thing and I never got an answer.µ
I always have an open ear for you and I understand your troubles, I didn't want to offend you but comments are to comment on MY POST and not writing a whole story about your life ! You have to accept that other people too have a life and I had just not the time to explain to you right away why I deleted your comments. It had nothing to do with my post. I have 2 painters here in the house and just didn't have access to my computer. So don't get upset like that without an explanation ! You must know my long enough to know that I take your illness very seriously and I didn't want to hurt you. I just think it is better you write me an email and then I can answer you when I have NO one in my feet ! I know what it is to be bi polar, I have a friend her son has it too and he too was deeply involved into drugs. I helped her through this hell of having a son who is Heroin addicted. I can understand that your blog is very important to you because you get in touch with so said "normal" people. But you also should read what we write. You are a very intelligent person and that maybe is your trouble !
Now I delete again you comment. If you want to tell me something, just write an email. My blog should be a fun blog and this my dear rollercoaster you have to respect, if you like it or not !

and another thing : I don't like people who become vulgar only because somebody has another opinion. So please stay polite with me !

Anna Grace said...

Dearest Gledwood,

Well you relapsed, if I was promised the best brown in the world I would probably relapse too. I'm glad you didn't like the feeling of having no control over your ability to stay awake.

I read your post from the other day about BIPolar, I just didn't comment because I didn't feel like I had anything worth saying. Except I love you, and can relate very well with you.

Stay away from the gear, I'll do the same.

Anna Grace said...

Jess Mistress,

Why does it have to be god? Why can't it be Buddha?

Gleds so many people don't understand mental illness. The strangeness of hearing voices in your head and from inanimate objects. I understand your splurge with Heroin, because as Jess says I can't see past my own pain a lot of the time. Pain is pain, and stopping that pain is all that matters in pain full situations. Its like having a toothache so bad you can't think. You just want that pain to stop.

Then again you might not have been In pain, you may have just been manic and just used on a whim. Manic people do things without thinking.

Vincent said...

You can't always be good Gled. I have the feeling you're doing well and this shot is not gonna make a difference to your efforts I think.

Cheerio,
V.

Gledwood said...

Thank y'all. Gattina I'm sorry don't take me too seriously. If I'd only understood what you thought I wouldn't have been upset for all of 5 minutes.

Pain: yeah that makes me wanna use. That's why I was so vehemently AGAINST using up till about 3 days ago I was in no pain I felt really good. In fact I was my own natural self at long last. But it's the downs I can't do and for them I need a painkiller. I can't do antidepressants I have clinical reasons: they make me go into extreme mood swings which are no fun

OK Gattina I just read again what you put I understand why but remember you can comment here whatever you please there's no need to write about the post just write anything you want but try and write under the most recent post unless there's some reason not to, otherwise i lose what people say

I do listen to y'all but you seem to be a million miles away telling me im withdrawing when i'm not i'm on methadone i'm sorting this issue for once and for all i'm demanding to know 1. is methadone causing this and does it ever do this and 2. if not what do you call it (not what do I call it, what do you call it as a dr. psychiatry is a religion i'm not sure i believe in)

Jess: do you think God is different from my higher power then? Because I got really high off that power and I WANT IT BACK i know no way of getting it back because i don't alter any drink drugs or anything it just comes and sweeps me away. Heroin blocks out mood swings or did but it doesn't even seem to do that now so i'm fucked aren't i?

I can't handle NA i mean on second by second basis. I need to change clothes, shower and get down there then sit there not making a noise, try and listen then say something they won't all misinterpret because they do misinterpret most of what i say and say "when you drop the drugs" well apart from yesterday there's been none. the pill popping (nonprescribed) is a week old that's from sleeping 2-3 hours a night ON METHADONE methadone is supposed to make everything wonderful. methadone is a lie

Hi everyone else you make really good points I have to switch this thing off it's complaining no power left :-)

Syd said...

I have no experience with what you are doing. I've not been an addict or alcoholic. I have seen what it does to others. And I can read here what it has done to you. I don't think that you will stop until you are either dead or have finally decided that more "experimenting" isn't going to make your life better. It is the same old song but a slightly different verse--I'll try this and maybe I can sleep. If it has quit working, what is the point in continuing to use? There are lots of addicts who no longer use and those in NA that you seem to have little respect for, do have a solution. What about trying their way instead of going with what has failed for you? I am sorry to sound harsh here. But it does seem that you are doing the same things over and over again. Lots of people care about you. But do you care enough about yourself?

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood