Which I now know I really was when I thought I might be but wasn't sure and got totally lost in a pile of diagnostic tosh. I think this dr is right. He's a consultant psychiatrist who has seen me 4 or 5 times with no pretence or bullshit at all on my part especially the past 3 or 4 times (feels like 4; only recall 3) when I had have/was having a mental breakdown. And as he himself said differential diagnosis (ie what it is if it's not schizoaffective disorder rapid cycling bipolar type is type 1 bipolar, rapid cycle. No question at all about that. Mania means far FAR more than just being in a good mood. It means being really quick and more to the point having loads of energy, especially mental energy. The symptoms of bipolar are like biorhythms; they go up and down but not all in sync which is how weird crossover states happen (like having loads of mental but no physical energy or being manic and in a shitty mood) manic also means irritable and volatile. Mania is NOT delirious happiness and bipolar doesn't mean switching between happy and sad. [Whoever it was said that wants shooting between the eyes!] It means switching between high and low energy. Fast and slow more than high and low. Extreme mania is frankly terrifying and nonsensical. That is what I was putting up with a few weeks ago when all the rave music appeared.
My main problem apart from living in utter chaos is that my memory has gone very poor, on antipsychotics as well as off, so I can't blame the pills (unfortunately). I don't know their side effects and don't want to. I'm not quite as obsessional and neurotic as I might appear to be. I don't cry out for help often until past the point of saving. Y'all need to bear in mind that in reading my blog you're reading my own journal, my sounding board to myself, so I say things here I wouldn't bang on about in real life, probably to anyone.
I told Valium Marilyn I was "bipolar" because I know she knows what that means. "Yeah but what do doctors know?" was her response and I agreed with her. I'm bipolar as in 2 poles, I accept that. All else I refuse to dwell on any more than you would. I have to go now, EastEnders is two thirds gone already ...
22:54 please someone comment something. tell me what the weather is like on the other side of the world, or indeed in London if you're here. is it freezing cold? i think no, Valium Marilyn thinks yes, I tell her "you're ill darling, it's fine" in fact I was wearing fewer clothes as spring is springing up up UP high HIGHER and HIGHER, lovely yummy high!
0222 i have just reluctantlz popped my antipsychotics; i took 1.5 instead of 2 because 2 gives me side effects, I'm going to crawl the dose up to 2. I know I shouldn't do this but the person prescribing them isn't having to take them so I'm doing all I can. I don't want to take any frankly as I know I'd be going pretty full-on without them as it is I'm only mildish manic but I feel fantastic when I go with it, like I'm conducting music, bashing a tennis ball back and forth in technicolor hyperspace... mmmmm:
*(Charlie is cocaine.)
02:27 THIS SOUNDS pretty slow music compared to the HARDCORE RAVE i've had bangin away in my head but still it brings back the day mid-late 80s:~~~~~~~
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