HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Morning Horror

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY again. I took a nasty diphenhydramine* 50 pill which are antihistamines that i've had for months and hate them so much it never ordinarily crosses my mind to pop one no matter how desperate i am.

This person is coming in 90 minutes so i have to rush out and get alcohol then clear a space on the floor. That's all i can do in 90 minutes. i wasn't staying up all night. if he sees a zombie at least it's one who's slept.

its 1125 if he's not here by 1145 i'm out of here and to the heroin dealer

maybe i should be "coping" but i'm not coping like THIS

*diphenhydramine is Nytol but I'm on Boots' own (cheaper) and I think Nytols are usually 25mgs


bugerlugs63 said...

hi me again
(i can almost hear u say o fuck off)
it seems u wont listen 2 anyone.
u r in detox.
if u were not on meth u would have all the symptoms that u listed and more, but taking meth does not stop u detoxing from heroin (it just makes it easier... YES easier!
and 2 and half months is not long enough (even without lapses)after ten years of using.
i hate 2 repeat myself but i did cold turkey once for 5/6 months
after 6 yrs use. and still felt shit and could not sleep.and yes i went back to it.
how can u expect to be tired last night after sleeping 18/24 hrs on weds?
i dont think people r confused by your quasi- medical terminology.
i think most of your readers really care and worry about u but u dont seem to listen.
and although u r not asking 4 any advice or help and in one sentence say u r not ill and u r fine, and the next sentence r seemingly planning suicide, people feel compelled to try and help u.
using is a full time time job and when not working (scoring/using) the time is spent gouching/sleeping.
and when u stop that leaves a lot of hours with nothing 2 do, plus the horror of not being able to sleep those hours away. u know all this . it is simple. and is best kept simple. u need to fill those hours with things that give u some sense of acheivment and possibly something physical that will help tire you. it is like starting life having come out of a ten year coma, and finding out what u enjoy doing. i might have said all this before. but i wont say it again. (promise)
im sorry i know it sounds harsh and it is hard to start again, but its a lot harder alone with no help.
i dont know what to say and i got a feeling i aint the only one.
please take a couple of bricks out of the wall that surrounds u and let something/someone good in.
please. a lot of people r concerned for you, and thats a blessing, so theres number one.
im sure u can find some more.
i hope i not offended u.
gotta go, hamper girl hungry
take care

Gledwood said...

thanks I'm putting this to the dr., I was told methadone holds you perfectly straight and it would do were it not for the psychological symptoms I feel absolutely fine physically since the drougt dropped my tolerance

so i should go back to heroin then shouldn't i?

which is what i am doing. i don't care how rough, cruel or violent i have to be to get it to me heroin and suicide are the same, suicide is less of a pussyman option i just wish i had guts to do it indisputably 100% lethal. anything less than 100% guaranteed quick death ain't gonna work for me i need death

thanks for the advice no i know you're not telling me to die, I AM

i need to know my options now for when i might need them



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood