I MIGHT AS WELL CUT STRAIGHT TO THE CHASE: I AM MENTALLY ILL. Naomi, the Dual Diagnosis lady thinks I’m getting too hyper. My Key Worker seems to think this too.
Naomi went and spoke to a psychiatrist for me to find out what I’m to do about these meds that disagree with me. Answer: do as I suggested and take all 4mgs risperidone at night.Thing is I’ve not taken any for 2 days and felt wonderful this morning. Speeding on my own neurotransmitters (and NO SPEED) and going on a DVD shopping spree. I now have 28 films on 27 discs. Meet the Parents and Meet the Fuckers, which I got for £5 is a double movie.
I also got the Incredible Journey 1 and 2, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, which is on now, Bounty Hunter starring Jennifer Anniston (love Jennifer Anniston); Gladiator; Cleopatra which I nearly had an argument over at the till over how boring it was. I said it’s moving wallpaper: you put it on silent and listen to music, eat Chinese takeaway and smoke cigarettes nobody WATCHES Cleopatra. I put it on for a bit but had to keep fast forwarding when Elizabeth Taylor was off screen that lady has some beautiful Bulgari jewellery by the way ~ thumbnail sized emeralds; The Queen (Helen Mirren); The Last King of Scotland, which I saw last night and is brilliant; Bucket List which isn’t a rude misogynistic sexual gibe at worn out women it means “a list of things to do before you kick the bucket” starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman; The Good The Bad and The Ugly which is by FAR my favourite western (I’m not into westerns unless they star Audy Murphy); Wall Street 2 disc version (what on earth is on disc 2 I’ve no idea); Silver City which is some spoof about politics (£2 from a charity shop); and The Devil’s Arithmetic which was £1 and is about a New York Jewish girl from the 21st century transported back into the holocaust. I’ll have to be in the mood for that one. Well that’s the main stuff. O yeah and Breakfast At Tiffany’s has soundtrack in German!
Pinky, my schizophrenic friend phoned me today. She thinks I sound really hyper and says I ought to be in hospital. Hospital shmospital. No way! And I’m not taking my meds for at least another week. I want some free Natural full-on Ecstasy high. I LOVE being high.
I asked Naomi whether she thought I had substance-induced mood disorder and she said no, because that’s directly phased in with a substance like crack and loses steam pretty rapidly when the crack is dropped (or whatever: nearly always an upper or a withdrawal state and I’m not on uppers and not withdrawing and she knows my heroin/methadone situation). My illness waxes and wanes and is currently getting stronger. I am going back into a 48-hour day. No sleep at all last night, I was buzzing too much to be bothered sleeping and did recline in bed in a position I’d usually sleep in. No sleep came so ten minutes later (waste no time, that’s my philiosophy!) I was up and pottering about. By early morning I felt pretty high. Mid morning I felt wonderful. I’m tired and a bit ragged now but still hyped up and it feels brilliant to be high not on drugs. Like I’m finally coming home to a Perfect State of Being. I don’t care whether it’s called mentally ill or not. I did point out that hypomania is NOT an illness, but neither Naomi nor my Worker seemed convinced. I was rabbitting so much they had to just tell me to stop talking and start talking about their own boring matters which I’ve forgotten anyway. Also I called the Mental Health Nurse a c**t which made both of them laugh uproariously then have to compose themselves and be all professional.
I also googled substance induced mood disorder and substance induced b-----r and was shocked to find nothing matching me at all. And I checked the American Journal of Psychiatry and everything. “Substance induced” should not be confused with the so-called “kindling” phenomenon, where antidepressants and illicit drugs intensify mood episodes, possibly triggering bipolarity and making the illness more severe. After “kindling” you get mood swings anyhow whether or not you go on taking drugs. Substance induced means DIRECTLY induced by a substance or substance withdrawal. I checked carefully and what Naomi said seems true. Unfortunately. Because if this is so I’m really going to have trouble convincing this psychiatrist I’m not mental.
So this means I have to find ingenious ways to wriggle out of what I knew was wrong with me anyhow. It has ALL the major symptoms of a certain condition with 2 phases. In one you get depressed, in the other you get hyper. A third state exists where you have aspects of both at the same time. I’m not naming it as I don’t want to curse my happiness. This condition is labelled a “severe mental illness” which made me blow my top and rant loudly about the Mental Health C**t who suggested I might have a personality disorder an an anxious-avoidant one at that! This certain condition which I decline to name which I might well have is pretty much DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSITE to anxious avoidant personality disorder, though avoidant behaviour is common in the depressed phase. This disorder is associated with artists, business tycoons and high achievers and it is NOT schizophrenia. It is a mood disorder. And if you can’t work out what I mean look up bipolar.
I still have no official diagnosis. If I do get diagnosed as a pie-bowler I shall be intensely upset I can tell you that for nothing. Because that will mean I’m a manic-depressive junkie. I mean what greater Loser title can you get? And if I do have that one I’ll probably be on psych meds for LIFE. The fact that I go UP not down off meds is yet another sign that this nasty thing is probably me.
That is all I want to say on the subject. Until I hear more news I’m going to try and steer off this issue because it doesn’t make me happy. It makes me feel very upset and angry because I suspected I had this disorder more than ten years ago and nobody listened. The people who said I acted like I had it (on selected occasions) had ALL seen it first-hand and knew the behaviour. Behaviour I was displaying by being hyped up, impatient, irritable and euphoric. As years went by these symptoms were initially squashed by heroin, then they started emerging again. Weird symptoms like a racing brain accompanied by a very nice buzzing feeling, buzzing so much I remember on one occasion about three years ago having to restrain myself from yelling obscenities out the window into the street. I just felt really really hyped up that day. And I thought I was depressed!
Well I’m going now I refuse to muse on this issue but I’m warning y’all this is what everyone seems to think is wrong with me. Mental health professionals, mental health sufferers ~ and me. And they’re not picking up the idea from me, they’re TELLING me, you see. I have been scrupulously avoiding using any vocabulary associated with this condition, yet they still seem to recognize it in me.
I won’t despair until the Consultant Headshrinker (yeah I have a consultant psychiatrist, not a trainee one) tells me my life is over. Until then I’m thoroughly enjoying yet another free high!
Take care everyone and don’t worry about me. I’m not worried. You shouldn’t be either.
L8Rs xx
PS sorry if this doesn't flow nicely. I'm not reading back over stuff I don't want to know about. I have to put this down for the record. Naomi's sayso will be confirmed or overturned in due course but only my Consultant can do that. My Consultant is on leave. I have an appointment in two weeks' time ... perhaps I'll know more then ...
PPS Nutter Club tomorrow. I hope we talk about little fluffy clouds and other nice things. I'm not in the mood for ANY MORE talk about ANYONE being mentally ill. It's starting to do my head in
19 comments:
Pie-bowler.....you made me laugh out loud....x
As long as you are feeling good...but look for help if you crash ok? Or if you start doing batshit crazy stuff.
Anon: if you actually did bowl pies you'd get crumbs all over the place..!
Jeannie: I didn't want to go in hospital before because I thought I would get made homeless. Some bitch fucker down the council told me I'd be homeless if I went into hospital which made me terrified of ever getting a severe injecting abscess or ever having a full-on breakdown.
Next time I ever get bat-shit crazy I'm just going in. I HATE going in there; actually being in I don't mind. It's not as horrible as you might imagine and being in hospital for being hyper can be a lot of fun. Last time I was in I hung out with the bipolars and the paranoid posse they were the most entertaining people in there. I had some sort of depression but it was masked up as usual by heroin use which went on so regularly I couldn't rely on the tiny methadone dose they gave me and had to save hits for 7am when I did them in my ankle... then at 10 I went out and saw my friend who wanted 1x10; I wanted 2x10 so I got my 2 for £15; she paid the entire tenner... I absolutely had to use this heroin I was desperately addicted to it and it made being in hospital really difficult. I noticed when they drug tested patients or searched patients they NEVER went near me. They knew they'd never find any drugs on me (too well stashed) and as for testing that was a big "so what" far as I was concerned. A couple of faked piss tests aside I've only recently given in clear drug screens. I was on gear gear gear before. Gear, the only thing that made me feel OK... I'm SO GLAD to be off that shit now. SO GLAD.
Don't worry if I crash I'll go for immediate help. Somehow I'm staying high even on those meds in the last few days when I felt "normal" I had weird flashes of being hyper, as if I hadn't come down and the hyper was still going... and it is still going. I REALLY HOPE IT'S GOING HIGHER AND HIGHER IT FEELS WONDERFUL!
hi
i knew i should have answered your question earlier, as i knew if i left it till i had time , u wouldn.t be in the mood anymore!
thats so typical;-)
anyway i dint think it rude and 2 answer it will not involve talking about ANYTHING to do with ANYONE being mentally ill. cus im not.
(in my opinion)
when i first went hunting for a label(yes i know its for your forms) bp had not been invented.
now i wonder how people ever lived without it.(rather like mobile phones). then by the time i did hear of it, it was so cool 2 be, or pretnd 2 be, that i would not hear of it, and to cut it all short cus u know u no longer into "head talk" and far be it from me to do your head in
(i think u do a good enuf job)(joke-sort of)
i gave up on getting any diagnosis or treatment. think i prob would match most of criteria 4 bp, paranoid, ocd (more in my youth that one). and goodness knows what else. but i gave up on the lot and just accepted it as me, i dont see it as an illness or disability (unlike the phobia which does disable me- but thats another story. . .
i mentioned somut the other day about bits of personal "good" or "heaven" overriding the bad, and later when i thought on it i realised that during the more sttled, peaceful phases of my life all these symptons lessened big time. even the big baddy.
anyway i am still "head talking"- sorry- u did ask,
when i first found this site, one of my first comments was something to the effect of your intellect possibly not helping you with this.
simplify definitely and yes, big yes to moderation of ALL things.
had a right ole laf this morning
and pretty good day, but who knows tomorrow?
another track off thepipedream (alan Hull)
United States of Mind;
yesterday was painted grey,
and ive found no reliable way,
of knowing what tomorrows colours might bring?
yeah i know its slow, old hippy tokers sounds(plenty more where that came from)
ALL things in moderation Amen.
if i dont stop now, i wont stop.
i daren't look at how much ive written else wont send it.
take care
x
Buggerlugz: I'm no expert on psychiatry but I do know about mood disorders because I had depression from my late teens so I had a lot of self help books to try and get me better. Some of these books included sections on manic depression which is now called bipolar.
Manic depression and bipolar are the same thing.
There are 2 types of bipolar. Type 1 is the most severe and means you have full on manic episodes, normally with psychosis which means hearing voices, severe paranoia or delusions. Obviously you can't tell if you're delusional till afterwards. I don't think I get delusional though I do start thinking I'm very special etc etc. My psychotic shit is intermittent paranoia and hearing voices, which can happen quite a lot. The voices usually echo my thoughts or just talk about random things so it's quite interesting to listen in. If I have bipolar then I'm definitely type 1.
Type 2 bipolar means you get depressed and also have hypomanic episodes. Hypomania means mild mania. If you were hypomanic you'd have lots of energy to clean your house, paint the walls etc etc and be probably in quite a good mood, but not feel drugged out of your head on E or crack as in full mania.
Classical bipolar has depression that lasts usually 6 months to a year and the manic or hypomanic episodes last 2 to 4 months on average.
There's another type called rapid cycle bipolar where you have moods that are just as extreme but they usually last weeks rather than months, sometimes days. In extreme cases the mood can switch from manic to depressed and back again in the same day.
Another mood state is called a mixed episode where you get manic and depressed "features" at the same time. Mixed states are said to be very horrible as you can be depressed with racing thoughts and massive energy, a dangerous state to be in.
Bipolar usually shows up in the late teens or early 20s though it can appear at any time of life. It's not unusual for depression to show up first and mania or hypomanaia only years later, leading to misdiagnosis.
Many people with bipolar are hypersensitive to antidepressants, meaning instead of making them feel OK they go totally over the top and get manic on them.
The usual treatment for bipolar is lithium or valproate or one of about 4 other mood stabilizers.
Antipsychotics are also given to a lot of people with bipolar as they calm down the mania quicker than mood stabilizers alone.
(continued...)
A lot of people with bipolar have long periods of normal functioning in between "episodes" of mania or depression. Other people cycle between mood states almost constantly, or feel mildly manic or mildly depressed nearly all the time, with severe mood swings coming now and then.
People who have psychosis that continues after the severe moods of mania or depression have passed are diagnosed schizo-affective.
Bipolar often runs in families. If you have one parent with bipolar or recurrent depression (my Mum has recurrent depression bad enough to take antidepressants every year) your chances of getting bipolar are much higher.
It's not at all unusual to get anxiety, OCD, anorexia or any of many other mental problems, mild or severe along with bipolar symptoms.
Bipolar takes an average of 10 years to correctly diagnose, because until the symptoms become clear cut and extreme they can easily be mistaken for something else. Also a lot of people have mild mania (hypomania) without even noticing. They just think they're on top form. Mild mania isn't really an illness, but severe mania can be so bad that during the most severe phase doctors cannot always tell whether it's mania or schizophrenia.
There's a mild version of bipolar called cyclothymia where mild depression and mild hypomania alternate for at least 2 years.
It's estimated that 50% of people with bipolar drink excessively or use illicit drugs.
If bipolar symptoms appear only after use of speed or crack or some other drug, the diagnosis is usually "substance-induced mood disorder (bipolar)"
Be careful trying to use diagnostic criteria when depressed or in any intense mood. The most common diagnostic criteria on the web are the American DSM IV criteria, which are meant for doctors, not patients. If you've been depressed for a long time as I was, the DSM criteria become incomprehensible because you forget what normality actually is. I had pretty severe depression for 2 or 3 years and convinced myself I wasn't depressed. Those criteria were no help to me at all.
And that's about all I know on the subject. Hope this has been of some help.
I forgot to add (and I am only reallly speaking for myself, though I've heard this applies to others) that heroin worked for me as a powerful mood stabilizer for years. Towards the end of my using it became less and less effective and I got depression and weird spells where my mind was racing and I was buzzing, but I wasn't sure whether this was "bipolar" or not.
I got told a few times I was just being hypochondriac even for suggesting I might have it.
One of my friends who spoke on the phone and saw me in a full on hyper state was so upset he cried.
People who have bipolar relatives have mentioned to me several times over many years that I have acted "manic". Of course mania isn't a permanent state it comes and goes. I found books on mood disorders tended to illustrate extreme cases and these just made me think "well I'm not like that so I can't have bipolar"... now whatever happens really is getting extreme and I do match ALL the diagnostic criteria for both mania and depression when I'm up or down.
The gear really masked my mood problems for a long time, making it very hard for doctors to diagnose or treat me. Now I'm off gear it's pretty obvious when I'm hyper. At least now psychiatrists LISTEN to me and don't blame it all on drugs. I don't TAKE drugs now apart from the odd Valium, so there's nothing I'm taking that could be setting this hyper thing off.
I could get very bitter and angry at having been treated pretty dismissively when I was going through times when I was depressed enough to be genuinely desperate. My drug workers have said some really really stupid things to me when I was in seriously dire straits. I'm making an official complaint to the drug service, not naming names as I don't want to get anybody in trouble. I just want these workers trained PROPERLY in dealing with mental health problems as I was treated very very badly on occasion. Even when I told them truthfully I was suicidal and had suicidal thoughts hundreds of times a day I wasn't taken seriously.
From now on I see a consultant psychiatrist monthly I HAVE to sort this problem out. I've nearly killed myself at least twice and I got hyper enough that people couldn't understand what I was saying. This is severe. Finally, at long last the doctors are listening and that's all I asked. I just cannot believe it took so long for people to realize I wasn't fantasizing when I talked about mood swings that went up as well as down.
Sorry to go on Buggerlugz this is a huge issue for me, I don't mind writing about it for you but I'm going to have to try and avoid it for a few days as it's starting to do my head in. I just want to be OK. Not feeling half-arsed and half shit I mean proper OK. Happy.
I don't know whether that will ever happen, but that's my goal.
I can tell from your writing style, and you told me you get hyper and you also talked about getting depressed. If it gets bad enough you feel you're not coping you'd do better to see a doctor than a dealer. I relied on dealers for my peace of mind for years and wasted thousands of pounds... Never again!
ps.
i know it can be easy 2 mis-read
stuff without voice tone, let alone facial expression.
is that why folk put the smileys everywhere ;-)
i hope i dint come across as taking the piss, cus im not.
just being a tad light hearted.
i had an imaginery friend when i was 5,6 7 or somut. he was called Big Brown E E, E E
where did he come from?
x
from your imagination!
i don't think you're taking the piss!
Buggalugz I HAVE to go sleep now it's 0030 hrs and I can't remember when I last slept it could be Monday afternoon I really am tired now
speak later take it easy!
;-)
hi gleds just to say i am here although i haven't been for a while, will post something when i get back from work.
just one thing though i believe there is no them and us in mental health we are all on a continuum between good mental health and bad mental health
love to you :)
i must remember 2 copy before i post, 4 some reason it asks u 2 post then sign in now and keep losing my post.
it was only a quikie 2 say thanks muchly 4 info last night.
well if i had to choose i wud say i am type 2 on a rapid cycle (if thats allowed or even if its not)
with the odd severe mood swing thrown in.
yes when i used 2 c head dox they blamed drugs (shrooms and acid in mid 70's-plenty of) but i know i was not "normal" way before those things, prob y i was taking those things at 15. (chicken or egg)
but yes also family history.
mum hospitalized early 70 plenty of ect (think it was quite the thing back then)
brother diag, para-schiz '81 and commited suicide 84.
other bro and dad both had revelations in 20's & 30's and r both still v faithful servants of God.
anyway i said i would b quick.
i dont fancy their medication
(i dont think u do either)
i dont want to self-medicate.
i have reduced from 5 x 10 bags a day to 4 x 10 bag a week(only late at night)and intend to stop those some time soon (then my inner 3 year old justifies them so well i , the parent,almost beleive her)
as mine is not as severe, as i said before, i use the manic days/hrs to get stuff done, and chill(mope) on the down days/hrs but i am taking anti d's, which prob explains y they not working. will ask dr when go 4 next script.
soz to go on, i dint intend to, i will stop now .
really hope u had good sleep, and really hope u dont go into hospital.
blockbusters v cheap on pre-owned films, unless of course that one has ran its course ;-)
have u got a botanical garden nearby or similar.
i presume if in london u cant go lose yourself in fields, streams trees etc. there must be somewhere
did i say i was gonna stop?
sorry i am (gonna stop)
byeee
hope your day is good
;-<
Just remember with bipolar, what goes up comes crashing down. The more "hyper" you are, the more depressed you'll be when the crash comes. Just be prepared. I wish you luck!
I e-mailed you.
Gleds,
Glad to hear what's going on with you. I send you my love, as usual.
Hang in there.
SB
Here's the link to the speaker cd/mp3s I was talking about...
http://www.mediafire.com/sobrietyfirst
You can do a search on that site, my suggestion look for Earl H. and Chris R.
OK I'm answering in reverse order:
Jess: thanks!
SB: I'm fine I've just spent TOO MUCH on DVDs including 2 weeks rent money which is about $35 a week (it's a contribution not the full rent)... not that I cared at the time and I am NOT wasting time worrying now I'll just put money aside next week and not buy any more DVDs unless I really want them. I wanted an instant collection so I went out and got one!
Mrs BiPolar: I know. I was terrified when I went very high into incomprehensibility that I'd go just as low which is me staring into space feeling like I just died. I only get severe depression (by psychiatrists' standards) for relatively brief periods, mostly I'm at the lower end of moderate which means constant suicidal thoughts or just wanting to die, when I go lower I stop being suicidal because life feels like its over. I cant believe this happens to ME it is the sort of thing that happens to other people, not me, y'know? I'm off antipsychotics as they make me feel shit. I'm high but only hypomanic high and have been this way for a few weeks, having really gone up high. I'm glad I'm like this it feels really nice
i an only think of today i'm not wasting time worrying about tomorrow.
i don't even have a diagnosis and this really pisses me off because i need to know what to write on forms etc everyone else i know has one except me
professionals who have SEEN me all seem to think its bipolar. they work in the drug service so they know the difference between drug high and natural high and i'm handing in clean drug tests
Thanks Lizzy I knew that but keep forgetting it. I need to remember it as I don't ever want to do an inverse snobbery when you think "my problems are so much worse than yours" I hate that attitude as all suffering is relative and some of mine might be psychiatric but some other people have gun-toting crack dealers in their lives threatening, abusing etc... i mean they might actually feel worse than i do when i'm down, so i try to be open minded
if i ever sound like i'm being unfair to other people please remind me i said this, it's one of my links with reality and sometimes i really have to try and hold on tight y'know ;-)
write soon!
eh Buggalugz! you get your own answer as i ran out of space in the last box!
i ALWAYS highlight and save comemnts now i've lost too many to mention and its not worth getting pissed off and tapping in again so i'd advise you do the same it saves stress!
yeah type 2 rapid cycle is "allowed"!
mixed moods are meant to mean type 1 but they're so common in type 2 the drs just diagnose "type 2 with mixed episodes" i know about this from my "desperately seeking an answer" phase when i read about everything that could possibly apply to me. now i only google very specific queries and i try not to do that even as it's not always helpful just knowing something y'know!
if this is causing you problems or distress then you need to see your gp and say you want to see a psychiatrist. most gps wouldn't want to be involved in diagnosing bipolar as the issues are too specialist anyway. i see my shrink down the methadone clinic.
mental illness is not graded by how distressing it is to the sufferer but how much of a mess it makes your life, it's something to bear in mind.
don't worry too much about the issue of kids, i know it's terrifying being mentally ill and worrying about social services, i don't have this issue but know someone who put off getting help for ages and ended up literally tearing all her hair out before her depression got treated. if you want advice on the issue of mental illness and social services there are mental health charities like mind and sane and there's a bipolar one (can't remember the name) all 3 have helplines and they may be able to allay any fears.
i was going to say mood disorders and schizophrenia often run in the same families but wanted to keep it simple. this is the sort of stuff drs might ask about, if you can tell them they'll probably take you more seriously and be less likely to blame it all on drugs
5x£10 a day is quite a lot... i used to take about 0.6 to 0.7g a day every day minimum and about 1.2g or so a day maximum in my begging period, when i've had the money i could easily do £100 gear in one day (crack came later), no problem. not exactly something i'm proud of but that was then...
where i can go to get peace and quiet is the big parks, hyde and regents, st james's is very pretty and there's brilliant gardens at kew, i'd really like to go kew gdns, maybe i'll go next week. i'm broke now i spent so much on DVDs it was ridiculous!
least i'm not short of a film or two!
take care and think about talking to a dr. it won't get you forced into anything you don't want, but at least you'll have the RIGHT meds. your mood should not cycle up and down on antideprssants they're meant to put you into "normality", not a high, and they're not meant to "take the edge off" when they work they make depression vanish all together. well that's what they did to me. problem was i often went into a slightly manic state, or a more than slight one, also i've crashed really really bad on anti Ds and it was one of the worst depressions ever, i saw a dead body in my bathroom mirror, i was so down i couldn't even put on an act like i normally do (which really takes people in, i like people to think i'm ok i hate being thought of as sick)...
sorry to go on, take it easy ;-)
is that pic you gledwood? i remember you saying you had long hair at one point.... just had to ask!
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