HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Tonight at NA

I WENT TO NA TONIGHT. I WILL KEEP COMING BACK. And no I do NOT think it an American cult, Jess! I know I'm repeating myself but you must have misread my quoting other people as my opinion. I never have considered NA or AA an "American cult". Antiamericanism wrankles with me and the "cult" accusation is true only in the sense you pointed out.

No offence was ever intended, Jess. It was you who reminded of the Serenity Prayer (which I miss, due to Group Hug Aversion):~~

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

My focus is on the Courage to change the things I can. I think I have a pretty good handle on the Wisdom to know the difference.

But what NA have that I really haven't got is Serenity. That is what I come to NA for. That's why I keep coming back. I want a piece of this amazing Serenity they all seem to have ...



INSTEAD OF 2 TEX MEX PIZZAS and two familiy steak pies for £7
I went DVD shopping in the supermarket instead and got Gladiaotr for £4,
D Day the 6th of June for £3 and just one pie for £2.69 (2 for £4 but I'd rather get the films before some other bastard runs off with them!). I'm watching D Day in German. I love this multilingual opiton it's highly convenient. Especially if you set it to German subtitles to read anything you don't catch. Or German soundtrack English subtitles for the lazy!

Hey I've just altered it to German speech, English "Untertitel". Because lazy is what I am!! D Day is in lovely full colour. Unlike my budget war films.

I was watching Gladiator earlier but that's only in English, and 2 languages I can't follow (Spanish, Italian). So I want to save it until I'm in the mood for Gladiatorial entertainment.


Ms. Moon said...

I want you to know that I am here hoping peace for you, whatever that means.

Odat said...

Hurray for you!!!

Gattina said...

NA means Narcotics anonymous and AA Alcoholics Anonymous for those who don't know.

Maybe you should have explained it !

I don't think that you went to an American Airlines meeting or to a metting about Sodium (Na)but you can still say so !
I only hope that you will continue ! Mr. Rollercoaster !

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I appreciate the clarification. I apologize for my misunderstanding the comments. It wasn't you, I obviously misread what you wrote.


Sounds like you're starting to get a sort-of understanding of what working through the direction of the steps can do. Truth is I think you still have it a bit skewed. The idea is to give up all drugs (alcohol and all other mind altering chemicals) I'm not sure NA or AA ever intended you to pick and choose what stays and what goes in the personal chemistry realm, the point is to realize you've no control over any of it.

You don't have to miss serenity prayer, just step outside the room and as you listen to the prayer say it yourself along with the group. If the meetings are anything like ours, you'll be able to hear it just fine.

After a while, you'll find the needed courage comes with willingness to take these small steps toward the group, like showing up early, offering to assist making coffee (which also is a great way to keep busy as the prayers are being said).

The serenity comes with the decision that you really cannot do it on your own and accepting help from a sponsor (trusted servant of the program) who can help guide and direct you through the steps :)

The best results come from compliance without debate. :)

Keep going Gled! I know that you, like all of us, have the capacity to grow and change!!! :)


Syd said...

Gleds, glad that you are going. Jess, as usual, is spot on. Serenity comes from within, and from self-acceptance, and helping others. Baby steps will get you there. Just a few baby steps.

Jeannie said...

If you find serenity, let us know what it is.

Sid said...

I really need to get to a meeting, im struggling staying clean, I havent been for years, it helped when I cleaned up a few years back, I just always find going to a meeting really intimidating, the old timers seem to forget how scary it can be for a newcomer... sometimes you dont even get a hello, which may sound silly, but when your feeling really vuneravble anyway it doesnt help.

Maybe I should go to a newcomers meeting...



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood