HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Moulin Rouge

I WAS ASKING SOMEONE ABOUT A FILM with Kylie Minogue as the Absynthe Fairy, and Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman singing I couldn't for the life of me remember its name. I need films with constant music and this is a good one. I found it for £4 tonight. The idiot self service machine demanded an assistant, as I knew it would, to confirm I'm over 12 years old. And I bought a pile of tex mex pizzas as the other Morrisons have seen fit to clear their frozen pizza shelves empty. I chucked my basket on the frozen peas and stalked out.

I slept all day till 8pm. Got my methadone at 8:30am. Opening time. So I can avoid the world. Now with cherry flavoured alcohol and cigarettes and and ultra thin and crispy mexican pizza in the oven I feel OK.

All this clean shit can go hang. I just don't care any more. More you use, quicker you die. It's all good. Heroin can go take a hike. Crack is as relevant to me as weather patterns on Jupiter. Speed no way. Ecstasy ditto. I don't need uppers. They give a vastly inferior high to my own Natural One (I mean most of these substances last 4 hours maximum full-on, I was high for about four weeks straight on NOTHING, see what I mean?) Some people do use on top of mania but I think they're either truly cracked up or just have a piss-weak version of it. Stephen Fry said cocaine "evened him out" when hypomanic. LIAR! He means it intensified his high and THAT felt even. Uppers are way too jagged for my taste. The only drug that ever did it for me in an anytime anyplace anywhere way was heroin and heroin is unnecessary. From now on I will only consider taking multigram hits. Ie to use heroin as suicide. A Muslim once told me if you do yourself in eg by stabbing yourself, you'll spend eternity in hell stabbing yourself with a knife. I want to spend eternity hitting up the strongest hit of heroin I've ever taken. So I opt for that method. To die on heroin I need a low tolerance. To get a low tolerance I need reducing methadone. I'm already on methadone. So it's all good.

Sorry to post negative things. I'm forever stuck between telling the truth and telling a sanitized acceptable version that's basically a lie. So what you wanna hear?

No I'm not depressed. I'm nothing. I'm psychologically nothing. I'm NORMAL! PERFECT! OK! FINE!

I got a message yesterday about someone who had been through EXACTLY the same shit as me. Mood disorders. Personality Disorders. Strongly implied abused as a kid. I told them I WAS abused but only emotionally and not by my parents but this didn't seem enough. Then I told them some pervert who knew my name (but I didn't know him) said he'd come to pick me up when I was waving a flag at trains to make them go honk-honk from a railway bridge aged 9. But I just said "no that's not me". And I went away. I don't know what he did, because I didn't look. And this is all true. So no hidden trauma. Only trauma I remember.

Nursey only brought this up when dissociation rose it's head. Dissociation is cool it means you wander about and you're not real and/or the world is not real. A prissy weak person would let this bother them. What you do is go as deep into it as you can. It's a free drug after all. So vanish into it and don't come out. Same with mania but not depression. You don't go into depression unless you want it to kill you. The suicide rate in bipolar is 20%; in straight depression 9%. Schizophrenia is about 15%. So don't go into negativity, only positivity. The meaning of life is what life is. So make it meaningless or full of entertainment or both. But don't make it negative or you will die. If you do die bear in mind what that Headfucker said and use a delicious method of death. This is advice to self not you. If you want to kill yourself do yourself a favour. Fuck off and go elsewhere. I'm not into giving suicide tips.

Only thing that does my head in. I can't even say what I mean without the risk of some silly probably young and lost fucker trying to take my ideas which I will never spell out in sufficient detail for anyone else to know the Method and doing Something Stupid. You wanna kill yourself? Ring the Samaritans in the UK, ring the national suicide lines in whatever other place you may be. You're online. Google the numbers.

OK this has burnt itself out I'm going. I feel shit now I was OK before. I have a certain amount of happiness and it just goes, like a butterfly disappearing into the gloom of the evening.

Illustrated: sublime and trash. Says everything

if i can find this i'll post it up, but my broadband will jam for the next hour so let's hope it plays
it plays. i like nicole kidman's voice


Syd said...

Talking about killing yourself isn't exactly a happy topic. Hang on to those moments of happiness for they are precious.

Gledwood said...

when i find one i'll hang on, ok!

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Yeah, if happiness were a choice, we'd all pick it....

Gledwood said...

i wanna fucking euphoric mania slider control behind my right ear. most of the time it would be set to maximum

it might not be happiness but it makes music fantastic and lights on the street are sublime

that's the happiest i've ever been, even though i knew i was in a mess i was happier than i ever was on drugs

sad i know but true, hey at least if i got depression i probably got bipolar that's better than fucking vanilla depression any day of the week even though my chances of survival are half, i still have an 80% chance of not doing myself in so its all good

lizzydripping said...

i love moulin rouge

jams o donnell said...

Hang in there, You are winning. It may not feel like that but you are.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood