HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Ever Increasing Circles

I'M HAVING AN EXTREMEMLY LAZY DAY TODAY... even lazier than usual, so that's extreme! I could barely be bothered to take the cap off my methadone just now. Cooked food. Didn't want to bother fishing it out. Lazy lazy lazy.

Hey I slept 8 or 9 hours last night, so that's good (is it good?) I'm listening to Papua New Guinea below, wow. I like all the cool fresh air in the video. Switzerland! That's where the air is truly "Alpine".

Do you know I thought back to my old dealer, from a few years ago when gear prices were low (£13,000 a kg supposedly; last year it was £20,000 at the beginning; £40,000 at the end ~ hence this "drought". And I'm using figures from BBC News.

So it just goes to show we all knew what was behind this Heroin Drought, a price hike due to lower availability.

Heroin takes at least a year to get from Afghanistan to London. I got that direct from the horse's mouth (so to speak) ~ Rebsie my friend used to serve up in the 80s and early 90s. She picked up from the Turks, who knew very well what was going on. She hasn't sold heroin in years (it's mostly black kids nowadays).

... anyway I thought back to my old dealer and actually wanted to score. I thought Gledwood how can you be this indulgent. Heroin is evil! Actually at the time I thought it would be quite nice. And what I really thought was "but I don't do gear any more". Much easier to think that way. "Just for today" and all that.

People sometimes describe heroin as like a lover, like a relationship, which in a way it is. But I never felt lost without any of my exes. To me it's more like being a small child. Being without heroin is like losing your Mummy. They often say the feeling of smack is "amniotic". A peaceful state, like before birth. No worries in the world.

And you wonder why heroin addicts can be a bit immature!

NA like to say or imply that you cannot grow at all emotionally when you're addicted to drugs. I don't think this is true. It's a partial truth. You grow less. And where does "drugs" stop at? Cigarette addiction?

I don't agree with everything NA say. That no addict can resist any drug is patently nonsense. If I found a strip of LSD I could resist it quite easily! Yes I like acid imagery, yes I have acid-memories. Yes I also DO NOT WANT IT EVER AGAIN.

None of the drugs I used to take at some time are temptations to me. Ecstasy I had 5.5 of when I got chucked out of my old house. I was ragingly addicted to heroin and didn't WANT to do E on the street! Or in my old room, which was like a full-on opium den by the end. So no I do not automatically want to take any intoxicating substance, and resent the idea being slipped into my head that this is what I would do if I relapsed.

Also the idea that if you take one sleeper you might as well go back to gear and crack because you've relapsed, I do not endorse. I'm speaking of a specific person I knew who did just that. He felt by taking one zopiclone (of all things!) he had lost all the years of sobriety he had built up. For this reason I'm not into day-counting. Just for today, yes. Counting days: No Way!

I still go back to NA, because as I said yesterday they do what they do and what they do keeps them clean. You don't chuck out a baby with the bathwater.

So these are my feelings on NA.

I will keep coming back because I want what they have. They have a Serenity I don't. They also have Recovery which means steering away from drugs and becoming a rounded person again. [On heroin I was a mere shadow of who I could be; I see that now.]

Here's the Narcotics Anonymous Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the Courage to change the things I can ~~
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Thanks Jess for reminding me.

I miss the serenity prayer when I bolt out to avoid the Group Hug (then I come back in).

Anna Grace I'm sending the story Mid-Pacific Serenity to you. I'm sending it to you because it's about Hawaii and it's about drugs and it's about somebody who one day realizes: "It's over, you never have to use again." It also contains the immortal line: "Skid row is in the mind." You don't need to have used Everest-sized amounts or sunk lower than anybody else ever has to want to sort yourself out. You can drop drugs "Just for today" and try it from there and see

the link should take you directly there, but if it doesn't:~~~~~~~
look on page 128, it's the second full-length story (ie the 3rd article down) under Beginnings

some beautiful scenery in this ...

Lizzy I found the video!
i like the style of psychedelic montage here
cool, fesh air, reminds me of Switzerland, where I wanna live (one day)

on the back of that i found...


Akelamalu said...

Keep strong. x

Gledwood said...

Cheers, dear! x

Anonymous said...

thank u for the fluffy clouds,an all time favorite...mmmm lazy eh?i used yesterday for the first time in months(it was gear!) and i feel so shit today.but i don't feel like using again so thats good...this too shall pass xxx annie.

Anonymous said...

you are sooo right about day counting. I look at it as "I used to used 14 days a fortnight and now its just once". Otherwise you just feel so let down by yourself and think "why try, I'm back at square one"
What a load of bullshit that theory is. Since I've dropped that method I've gone from a raging habit to a dabble once every couple of months. Nearly there! this drought has been a bit of a godsend really...although I wasn't of that conviction when it started haha quite the opposite!

Anonymous said...

are you from london gleds? or did you grow up somewhere else? just wondering what accent you've got? I like to read blogs in the writers accent. I'm an accent/dialect fiend ha!

sienna x

Jeannie said...

There likely are some people who must want any escape and will take anything and everything. I think in your case, you are really self-medicating and searching always to find the whole you and heroin came closest for you. It could be a different mindset.

I have a friend who is an alcoholic but will only drink beer. Even if she's got none and there's a bottle of vodka, she won't touch it.

There are generalizations that always have their exceptions.

Baino said...

Sounding a little more optimistic today Gleds. I'm glad you're keeping up the NA, it's got to help in some small way. Sorry I'm late visiting, way too hot to be sitting in front of the PC at night this week. Chin up, you can do it with a little support. Good to see you supporting others as well. There's value in friends.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Great post!

lynn said...

hi gledwood,you are sounding good!hope you feel good?love reading your blog and all the great stuff down the sidebar.that doorbell drives me mad though!altho i guess its reassuring knowing im not the only one on here at ridiculous times of day/night!theres often others viewing at 5/6am like myself!maybe its just the time difference and its sensible oclock where they are?anyway take care ,you dound really positive just now.im gonna try to get my meth increased as im so sick of being at the mercy of these idiots.my problem is im on daily supervised so cant even split my dose so have to score first or drag myself to chemist feeling like shit.drug services here still in dark ages,posters in waitin room state "treatment is changing.abstinence is the aim.we aim to have you in and out of treatment in 16 weeks".gleds can i ask ?do u know if a gp can refer me to a drug clinic in a different area?somewhere more enlightened?used to travel to next county then all changed,so many changes just now ,just wondered if u know if thats possible now?sorry to go on so long.have a good day!

Tea N. Crumpet said...

I kind of understand some of this. As you know, my house burned down almost 18 months ago from a candle getting knocked over. Everything that I had known for 12 years was gone in 12 minutes. I could have died. I spent the next 18 months trying to find peace.

I am still searching. I can't handle chemicals so alcohol and anything "chemically" have been out, but it has been through my art, writing, reading, and going to performances that is bringing me back to that state of relative sanity. I used to read you every day and I come after so long to see you talking about reaching for a certain state and I am like, "This is what I have been searching for!"

It is no small accident that I came back to see you today.

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Annie: I always felt if you can not use you might as well not do it.

Way I see it I'm paying some bastard to be happy. I'd rather not pay and know it's at least what I feel rather than some drug. And it feels weird just to say that considering how deep I got into heroin.

On the other hand I cannot understand how I ever became a junkie it seems ridiculous who ME!!!

Hey did you manage to do all day? I used to find it relatively easy to do half a day but all day felt like all year!

Anon: I went to NA tonight I just don't have the attention span to really focus on it the way I want to.

I wish I could video the meetings and watch back twice, that would be way easier. Yeah there's a few things I find difficult about NA but they're the only place I've ever seen where addicts go genuinely clean with no excuses and I thought a no excuses place was for me, the Master of Excuses.

A number of days is something I used to get really hung up on. When I had no intention of stopping but lack of money forced me to (and I wasn't into going out begging any more) then it was just misery the whole time. Once I realized I'd been handed an opportunity on a plate because good gear just wasn't there I found it relatively easy (I was very distracted by my own mood swings that got so extreme I just wasn't on planet earth any more, so gear was the last of my worries).

I'm sure there is some magic way of detoxing or some magic treatment. I don't see that anyone should suffer at all, bar the suffering of repairing a broken life.

Physical withdrawals can be banished. Those people in Govt Drug Clinics just don't want to. I asked for anaesthetic detox and was told too expensive. Then I looked at prices and saw it's actually cheaper than a long rehab!

Sienna: ok my accent is a mixture of london non-posh (not proper cockney) with bits of posh and bits of blackney or Jafaican/whatever you wanna call it, mixed in

Jeannie: you make a good point. I always thought "self medicating" sounded like an A1 excuse (but no other medication than methadone was ever offered)... now it seems far more true than I ever wanted to admit.

Baino: too hot!! Wow. Your garden look amazing by the way. I hope there's no funnel webs there!!

NA are way better than nothing (at worst) and excellent (at best) so I'm sticking with them. NA seems to work well for those with genuine willingness

Taffeta: thanks!

Lynn: sorry GPs I know nothing about. The supervised dose is ridiculous. To me a way of ensuring people stay on methadone for ages because they cannot cut themselves and making it plain difficult to cut dosage. You shouldn't feel shit in the morning on a proper dose.

Then again they're asking you not to do gear. You want to feel OK. The supervised dose gives no control... Not good.

I wish I could help but I honestly don't know. Take care

Gledwood said...

Tea N Crumpet: I try hard not to go down the self-pitying route even though it might just sound like a platitude if I said that on certain days ... that manner and tone that makes people think you're saying "my life is the worst ever, nobody has suffered as I suffer"

My life hasn't been anywhere near as terrible as it could have been and there are lots of bad things that have not happened to me.

Really we're both in places where we can count our blessings. No matter how much that might hurt.

I hope you find what you need soon. If you can name what you're looking for I think you're closer to finding it. I know that might sound hollow but you don't strike me as someone who might waste too much time thinking not doing.

Take care :-)

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Great post and a good sleep - you sound much better which
is terrific. You are doing so well
and I am sure you will be happier after the recovery. You have a good life ahead of you my friend.
Take good care. Love and best wishes

Syd said...

I am glad that you want what NA has. It is a chance to get your life back on track. I am really hopeful that you will feel that serenity. It is possible.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood