HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 11, 2011

I JUST SPOKE TO MY MUM i rang her yesterday when i was in a really good mood but she was out, now i'm feeling better i went to bed for ten minutes it's not good to sleep during the day i was feeling ILL physically SICK and EXHAUSTED i'm on tea and ProPlus I took 6x50mg caffeine that's no more than 2 Starbucks coffees and it did f-all to me. Personally i think TEA is stronger than pro-plus.

I don't know what's happening. I feel like an idiot for buying endless films endless endless enough to watch constant movies for days on end because it seemed like a good idea at the time and I kept thinking it's only 4x20B (£70) then another £10 then another £10 then I spent all the rent money and bought more thinking well fuck 'em.

What a diseased world we live in where I'm not even allowed to be in a good mood without it being labelled an illness. Fair enough I was a bit aggressive, confrontational and disinhibited to the point of calling Naomi's colleagues "cunts" but that's just the real me coming out. I spent YEARS depressed, just wanting to curl up and die. Now I'm not depressed and they want me to medicate my energy DOWN DOWN DOWN.

I could go on an alcohol bender because they tried that verbal trick on me where they say "alcohol is a depressant so it makes you depressed" which is actually a semantic trick. Does that mean because I'm hyper I can drink like a fish then? Well no. But it means their trickery is exposed as another druggie service con. Like "methadone stabilizes you" yeah pull the other one. That one has bells, whistles and the keys to Buckingham Palace jangling off it.

Methadone stabilizes you! Methadone stabilizes you! So that's why EVERYONE I have ever known on methadone uses HEAVILY on top. They use heroin because that makes you feel OK, methadone makes you feel suicidally depressed, well it did me. Nursey said it must be my "underlying mood". And promptly did nothing whatsoever to remedy this or help me. Nothing at all. Only when it gets so bad I think we're in 2012 and the walls are talking to me only then do they actually accept I was telling them something was wrong and telling the truth. Oh yeah and I waved and yelled at her last time she skulked past me into their little office where they hold their witches' coven, refusing to acknowledge my presence. This is Nice Nursey With Too Many Ideas, not Evil Bitch Nursey. I can't wait till I bump into Evil Bitch I'm going to tell her what I think of her. Naomi thinks I ought to calm down. Naomi's OK and I could see I was winding her up. Maybe I'd better drop this Nutter Club if I'm only causing chaos there. Whole point in going is to express how I feel. Now what I feel is unacceptable because it's too vehemently expressed, too passionate and too TRUE.

I'm off I have a pie to eat.

No I didn't cut up with that bottle. As I said the broken glass was blunt on every side so even when I pressed hard I only got cat-scratches. It means I wasn't meant to cut up. I just thought it might be therapeutic. Like a therapeutic relationship between me and some glass.

Hey I'm down very nearly to the Acceptable Limit drinks wise, that being 28 units per week, 280mls neat alcohol. Wow.

12 comments:

John said...

hope you don't mind but I referenced you in my new blog.

Gledwood said...

that's cool ;-)

bugerlugs63 said...

hi,
o dear o dear i wish i could say/do something 2 help.
its hard 2 read such pain and not be able to help.
yes, 2 much sleep is assc with depression.
but u dint sleep all night so a few hours, if u can, wont be a bad thing.
U should no way feel like an idiot cus of cd's.
ok so u may have gone a bit ott and got a bit excited, but fuck it,
its nice to have a bit of money 2 spend, u not used to it.
if u learn from it then thats that one dealt with innit>
and u dont need anymore (for a while ;))
ALL things in moderation, not some, not 99%. . . .ALL.
u have done loads more in life than hurt and dissapoint others.
i know i dont know u, but i pretty sure of that.
im not sure y u c it as illness,
u r recovering from the illness.can u just use a "label" 2 satisfy the govt forms but then forget the label, please.
even if they do label it the B word
as they prob would with me if i was to ask their opinion, for what its worth! does it matter what they call it?
there is a lot more 2 u than this.
a hell of a lot more.
i dont know what 2 say really, i just cant think what would help.
maybe the days u got the dvd's , u felt better because u were out.
it sounds so simple, i know, but a good stride out in sun/rain/ wind/snow is v therapeutic, and usually helps towards "good sleep"
i SO dont want 2 sound like i trying 2 tell u whats best, cus i really aint.
and this sounds a bit simple 2 but sorting out your surroundings can sometimes sort of sort your head out 2 a degree. i tell myself it wont, when im down, cus i cant be bothered. but i know deep down it does help (a bit).and it helps to tire you.
i dont know, i know i wont read thrugh this otherwise i wont send it.
someone suggesting u might benefit from a brisk walk or a spring clean when u feel totally crap is someone asking 2 be told 2 fuck off!
please dont :(
God certainly (along with many more, me included) does not want u to cut up or have any sort of relationship with broken glass.
u r way 2 precious and unique.
i gotta go as heaps 2 do, sometimes im glad i have to do so much, it dont stop me thinking or talking 2 myself all day, but it is a form of physical excercise,and that tends to make me happier, even though my 3 yr old inner says it DONT and she DONT WANT to do it, and WONT do it!! well she can shut up, cus it needs doing (cooking, cleaning, washing up, washing clothes, change the beds, feed the kids)so i best go and do somut.

sorry i go on so much. i dint log in 2 say any of this - but that can wait- i so hope u feeling slightly better .catch u later
;>)

Akelamalu said...

You spent your rent money on films??? :(

I'm glad you've managed to cut your drinking down but I'm not so sure it's doing you any good. :(

Gledwood said...

Buggalugz: I slept 2 hours straight and feel wonderful. I just desperately needed SOME sleep I get very ragged without it and it was ruining my buzz bigtime.

Yeah I'd rather give my money to HMV, WH Smiths, Morrisons, Sainsbury's and co than to some parasite drug dealer. You know the sneery cunt who INSISTED on coming not just over the threshold but right into my room every time, then remarked on what a mess it was, actually said to me "why don't you stop all this" meaning stop gear. I got the same remark from another dealer. And a few years before, yet another one! They said it! I did it. So fuck 'em. And I don't appreciate that advice at all it was barefaced hypocrisy and they can all go to hell for all i care if they gave a shit about me they wouldn't have supplied me with heroin every single day for months on end, every one who said that apart from sneery cunt who i never liked ~ those other 2 were Main Men to me and who the hell did they think they were, helping me be a junkie then daring not to like what THEY had helped bring on. Fucking wankers. I hope they get cancer, it's diagnosed terminal, they're whacked up on diamorph and it's not terminal so they have to live with a great big habit and I hope they go into the gutter funding it.

Going for a walk really brings me up beautifully into euphoria when it's at the half-arsed stage as it is now!

Yeah I need to put my energy into clearing and cleaning my house the council are most displeased about it. I notice the threats to chuck me on the street have gone. My attitude was "you're chucking me out: fucking do it then" and they didn't so fuck them.

I'm clearing up for ME. Any other fucker can do one. In fact if they like I'll tie them to a stake and use the bonire of my possessions to barbecue them.

Don't worry I'm not having a relationship with broken glass, it doen't come close to heroin and I never needed heroin. Heroin is fucking WEAK even when it's the best gear you an get it is NEVER strong enough ever ever and I got the best shit around. I complained about it endlessly. everyone thought i was getting ripped off. they put me in touch with their dealers whose deals were TINCY and fucking DISHWATER WEAK without exception. so i stuck to my own dealers at least they sold the best rubbish around!
Akelamalu: I knew all along none of my problems had anything to do with drink or drugs.

I told the dr "you probably won't like this but when I'm depressed drinking makes me feel a bit better; when I'm like this it barely does anything, it might just about take some of the edge off"... and to my amazement he accepted that. I think it means something significant to him though I don't know.

Yeah I spent an entire weeks DSS on DVDs. Who cares though it used to all go on heroin.

Liz said...

Look after yourself, gledwood. You don't sound good. Your writing is less coherent. Do take care, get through this, lots of people care about you.

Gledwood said...

j'en espere, Elizabeth, j'en espere

you know the cowshit drs come out with that your body will give you sleep you need that's a damn lie

all i need is 2 hours sleep a day but if i don't get that i do feel tired and shit and it took me 3 attempts over about 6 hours to actually get some sleep, i slept from 14:30 to 16:30 and i'm ok now but before that oh man i felt shitty, physically very ill like i was coming down with something nasty like food poisoning or flu y'know

thanks for the message of support Liz

and woof woof bark bark bo!

that's to George, he loves it when I talk about you behind your back, ha ha!

Janice said...

It seems you are going through a transitional period. I hope your mood stabilizes soon.

What are you going to do about your rent?

Janice~

Gledwood said...

i owe them about £22 a week and am allowed to pay monthly so if i pay £44 next week and £44 the week after and £44 the week after that I'll be covered upto and including that week three weeks hence... i think.

to put it another way i'm £66 behind now and it's technically due next week so i'll pay £44 i can't afford to pay more than that it won't happen but £44 i can do

it was being on heroin that mucked everything up because i'd get high before i ever paid that rent money

it's only a contribution it's not the whole rent that is why it's so low

most people pay about £10 but because I actually had a job before i ended up on sickness benefit, i get about £5 a week more and am about £10 a week worse off! so typical of the british govt

this thing i have basically went thus:

early december: stopped heroin went to methadone; instant psychotic mixed euphoric/depressed mood swing lasting about 10 days... fading into depression lasting a couple of weeks, it blipped into hypomania for about one single day i got euphoric and high from music, i had to watch my mouth i was noticably disinhibited so i'd say i was hypomanic...

then i went on heroin one last week, the last heroin i ever took, this got rid of all mood symptoms (as much as it ever does ie i still feel a bit mororse and can't be bothered with anything but i'm not horribly depressed

off heroin i was increasingly depressed and had voices in and outside my head it got steadily worse my sleep started getting shorter and i got irritable and paranoid, then suddenly i was going up quickly into psychotic mania which lasted about 10 days, the dr gave antipsychotics, i took these and went down to hypomania then to normality with flashes of mania (ie the high was still going just dampened down by meds)... i stayed on the risperidone for 2 weeks

last weekend i got horrible side effects from the antipsychotics so i stopped taking them all together

i started going hypomanic straight away within 3 days i was being markedly fast, disinhibited, euphoric etc now i'm going even higher and starting to get thought echoes and the first signs of voices and ultra quick periods which i know as true mania my sleep is badly messed up i had 2 hours this afternoon and none last night

the staff who have seen me and know mental health think it looks like bipolar, my dr cannot diagnose immediately that's not how it's done

bipolar terminology is the only nomenclature that fits, also i havg ALL the symptoms of severe bipolar in both mania, depression and mixed

i thought it could have been "substance induced mood disorder" but Naomi says that is directly caused by something like crack and won't go weaker then stronger again if you stay off crack and i had £5 worth around Dec 1 last year that's all for months... it just doesn't follow that

Gledwood said...

(continued: part 2)


i'm not in withdrawal. heroin worked as a mood stabilizer very obviously right from the start 10 yrs ago the first sign i noticed was no more high days (which were always followed by depression)

a lot of people think it's translition but they're all people who haven't physically seen me. everyone who's seen me treats me like a nutter... i don't know what i'm doing but i must be doing something that looks mental. if i knew what it was i'd hide it!

i think i'm just going to have to go back on psychiatric meds, apart from antipsychotics they've also mentioned lithium which i don't want but id' take it if i had to

i cannot tolerate antidepressants they make me hyper, agitated, irritated, euphoric and too fast, ie manic. which they aren't meant to

which really scares me in depression as i know there's nothing that can fish me out of it no matter how desperate i feel

this was the trouble i had with methadone, because it wasn't blocking my moods out, methadone days felt unbearable as i was so intensely depressed i just stared into space all day or felt suicidal it was really unbearable which is why i used heroin every single day i possibly could to escape that feeling

really it's THAT that kept me hooked on heroin so long

"self-medication" they call it. i reluctantly accept that was true i was self-medicating

Syd said...

Gleds, dude, spending the rent money on movies is not a good idea. We get them from the public library for free. Have you checked on that? Hope that you are okay, my friend.

Gledwood said...

i can't use the library i still have books from the middle of last year when i was too fucked up to return them, knew they were there couldn't face the procedure of someone with ocd or an attitude problem taking half an hour just to book the fuckers back then insisting on telling me info i don't want or need to know like how much i owe, know what i mean

yeah it would be good to use the library but hang on a sec they charge something like £2 here when i can buy it for £3 so i'd rather buy it!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood