HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, February 21, 2011

A Serenity Hit

I FEEL ALL CALM AND SERENE since coming home from Narcotics Anonymous. I said nothing to them about the altered states I've found myself in. Ukh. I felt dead odd this afternoon. Don't know why. I blamed the pills I'd started taking again but they're supposed to make you well. Ho-hum. I shared about the stuff we at NA have in common. You are supposed to focus on the similarities rather than the differences. But it's the differences that are most intriguing. That's why I find pothead lady such a fascination: because she was NOT taking heroin or crack. But she never comes to the Monday meeting.

I really feel mellowed out on this Serenity stuff they have. If they'd had any spare I'd have hit up a little lump under the glaring striplight in the NA kitchen.

Speaking of which I have a whole load of new needles to get rid of. The ones I got last week when I couldn't be bothered any more. I look back and see such a lack of self-respect. I need to buy a few grams of self respect to hit up with this serenity. I think they'd make a nice mixture to bang up intravenously.

Now once this awful doctor's appointment is over I should be able to relax. Knowing I have to see this doctor on Thursday stresses me whenever it crosses my mind.

I heard something very interesting at NA tonight. Somebody said "I don't listen to my own head because it lies to me". I know exactly what he means. I can never tell which thoughts, ideas, impulses are the ones to go with. I need to learn how to Do the Right Thing.

That was what got me the most about Being on Drugs. I suppose deep down I knew that I was in a mess because I was doing Wrong. And it was in a real, awful mess I was in. Slowly, slowly slowly I am sorting myself out. I have clean clothes, a showered, clean body and the cleanest self I can manage. That means methadone, antihistamine (non-addictive) sleeping pills and antipsychotics. I'm not happy about the antipsychotics and I don't like taking sleeping draughts. Last night my head was lit up from the inside like a television set. I can see vivid imagery moving; abstract shapes. I was wuzzy on risperidone yet could not sleep.

So I zonked myself (reluctantly) on the diphenhydramine (Nytol). I slept through to the early afternoon, then realized I felt odd because I was hyped up. I had a difficult time in the post office where there was a very long line of people and people seemed to be looking at me, talking about me and laughing at me. I just try and be chilled out about all this. I do what I have to do, which is not react. I forced myself to stay in line, when my instinct was to get out of there. Then the lady gave me money, I got some bits from Sainsbury's quickly and got home. It will soon be midnight; I'm bracing myself for these pills. You get good meetings and bad meetings at NA and tonight was a good one. I'm keeping hold of this Serenity.

In the words of the Prayer (see below) I need Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. So the next thing I need is Wisdom, so I know what to do. And once I get all 3: Courage, Serenity and Wisdom I'm OK. NA is just a group of people and its failings are human failings. I hope if I can accept people for who they are, and take what is good from the Group, then I can get somewhere with them. (I don't know what else to do.)

So that's me tonight. Still blissed out on this Serenity. And avoiding thoughts of Stressful Things.


Gattina said...

I think these NA meetings have a very positive effect on you !
Take care and if you feel down again, just read this post.

Gledwood said...

Yes. I do have mixed feelings to NA but they do work, as a group what they do works.

Naomi C. said...

i have been thinking of doing NA/AA a lot recently. i know a couple of people that have gone, one that still does and she loves it and swears by it but is always battling her drug addiction in an awful state- like she never gets a bit of respite, if you get what i mean. maybe not. ANYWAY....
somebody replied on my blog that it was god that had helped me, as on hers i replied that "i hadn't found god, but got clean anyway" i wasnt causing trouble, just merely describing my situation and how we'd both done it, but by different means.
im agnostic, as im not sure but im 99% there isnt. sorry, after being in a coma and my heart stopping for minutes, and not seeing any bright lights etc (which was this week reported as being just the brain confused) or remembering a thing i feel we just switch off and are none the wiser.

would na or aa therefore not work for me if i couldnt accept the higher power? or can the higher power be anything- fate, destiny, just LIFE in general?
im doing ok, day 3 of no booze but im sick as a pig and gledwood, i understand how you feel... didnt get to sleep till 5.30am this morning after watchibng a programme about sid vicious then fraiser, and was up for 8am. i had turned off all the lights etc etc. but sleep is beyond me. i had to stop the booze due to my stomach ulcer, but now im not drinking, im battling puking, headaches, nausea... you know the drill. OH! WHEN WILL IT END! I just know i have weeks of this.

do you ever exercise? i just walk miles and miles, am thinkiing of going swimming or something to tire me out somehow. hmmmm. i have addaction + the doctors today (its all in one) so im off to wash my hair and get ready. have a good one gled.... and what do you reckon, to na or not to na/aa?

im going to buy tony o neills book and sebastian horsleys book. im a memver of bookcrossing.com at the mo, rest assured i will pass them to you if you want them after? im a quick bloody reader.

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Glad the meetings are
helpful - I am sure they mean to help
so try to keep up going to them.
Thanks for your comments. The joke in this post was about a religious minister - about a boy who said he had to go to church and it would be more fun to be the one in front yelling than just sitting listening
Last post there was one about the Prime minister called "Tragedy".She
is not a favourite of mine and I am not fond of politicians either.
Take care my friend, Love and best
wishes, Merle.

Gledwood said...

NAOMI: Exercise: I do walking but I wanted to take up martial arts and/or boxing. I feel the need to hit things. Exercise lifts my mood.

I know what you mean about NA they seem to assume I spend all my time thinking about drugs when I just don't.

I think therea are 3 higher powers. One is the power of the group, two is God Almighty though like you say you don't have to believe in God. Lots of people who go there don't believe in God so the phrase they use is "the God of your understanding" I don't like the over-use of catchphrases but I once heard someone call it a "Group of Druggies"... anyway higher power number 3 is in yourself.

You could try going to just one a week. People do tend not to hear you (I find) and will make assumptions you're just like most people who come as newcomers: craving away. I think they judge my appearance which is all old clothes. I never even realized I dressed like a homeless until someone called me a crustie and I thought in so many words "oh dear"

All my friends were crusties but I never tried to be one I suppose I liked the style so I took it on without really trying but I never shaved all my hair off or had dreds.

I'm going to try and look normal now as crustie is really a compliment. Really I look like a street drinker. I really don't want that look.

Thanks for the books offer but I have gerzillions and have attention problems. Blogs I can do because they're small doses and when my attention span goes really bad I read stuff over and over to get it. So I'm working on getting my attention span back. I was going to try writing before reading. It's easier to write than to read, I find just as it's easier to talk than to listen. I know this is bad but if I turn it to my advantage I might get some really good kiddies' stories out of it. I was too all over the place before. I wrote one but I need nine more to go with it to make a book!

It must feel weird not using heroin. You were addicted to snowballs or speedballs, right? (I used to call them snowballs but snowballs are advocaat and lemonade and a round, trippy E as well!)... Snowballs are really really difficult to stop, especially if do strong ones. I used to put about 3 parts gear to one part crack so they cost about £20 each ~ when I had money to do this. It's this that was my coke addiction really, either doing it like that or just putting in a tiny sparkle of coke to glitter it up... I found some blue needles just now that I quickly stashed away. In the stash box is the only supply of needles I have left and one had brown looking smears along the side. For s split second I wanted to use. Then I think "I don't do that any more"...

MERLE: I go to 2 or 3 a week now I used to go to 5 but I had a lot of trouble concentrating. I try and find meetings that aren't packed out (because you can't move) and I stay for 15 or 20 minutes if I can't do an hour. The entire meeting lasts about 90 minutes.

Politicians are awful I can't stand the way push people's buttons and pander to the media. If I were prime minister I'd refuse all requests for interviews and let the press do their worst!

Akelamalu said...

It's good that you're going to NA meetings, they seem to be helping you from what you've said.

Baino said...

Hmmm sounds like progress. Keep it up and I hope the serenity stays awhile

Gledwood said...

BAINO: I'm trying to keep the serenity in my heart so it stays even when all else is there too!

AKELAMALU: they do help ;-)

Anonymous said...

you need to give the antipsychs a chance. the side effects take around a month or two to go away. i was the same, thougbht it would be a couple of weeks like it is with anti D's. they're awful at first but if you can stick with it they are real lifesaver. youre never gonna get "normal" but you get pretty close. quetiapine i was on, takes a while to get over the drowsy feeling but once I did it was well worth it! tough it out cookie, they stop that bad depression, remember that when youre feeling rough! x

Syd said...

Gleds, glad about serenity and NA. If you start to feel bad, go to a meeting. They do help. Like anything, recovery comes with practice. Take care, my friend.

Gledwood said...

Anonymous: thanks, I'm considering dropping the dose from 2 to 1.5 and gradually increasing. I was fine on 1 but am prescribed 2x2mg risperidone and don't want to be fucking about but I hate feeling shit and didn't want to change them for the sake of it so I kept as I was (taking all at night instead of 1 at night 1 in the day) I'll give them time the alternative is going cockoo; problem being the first effect tends to be going UP rather than down which is very intoxicating but I can see people visually backing away when I speak (sometimes) and I don't like being backed away from for being too over the top. Thanks v much for that advice.

Syd: least I have a WORD now, though I'll probably say bipolar rather than schizothingie (bipolar type) that's a bit too technical for a group of people I barely know(!)

(this is me, stupid machine signed me out)



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood