HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Very very tired

IT'S PAST 8 O'CLOCK and I still haven't slept. I went in the other room, forgot to go to bed, went for a walk. Got no energy from walking. I've put myself on a real downer by posting that stuff you can see below. I hate thinking about that b-----r crap. I don't think about it except when I write about it or get angry with my dr for not giving out answers. Usually I just think about how amazing it is to be me. And I potter about endlessly not actually doing anything but feeling really good doing it.

Tell me if I'm doing this wrong but isn't it normal to fall asleep in a chair, pick yourself up going "oh I gotta go to bed" go to bed, asleep straight away, no problems. That's how it used to be. That's what it's like on zopiclone. Except when I was very hyper I took it around ten, slept around midnight to 2:30, got up at 2:30 and the day began from there and it felt fantastic. Two and a half hours' sleep is the perfect balance, if you can do it. I don't think I can survive on that little now. I just feel absolutely exhausted and gritty and tired and run down and yawning and yet I still will not sleep and I'm scared of going to bed because I know I won't sleep. If you ever need to "try" and sleep you should not be in bed you should be up doing stuff. That is sleep hygeine. No bed unless sleeping or shagging. That is all a bed is for. Lying in bed without sleeping you only do if you have a broken bone or some other incapacitation.

O I've got to go I'm just too knackered. I will try and get two hours but I don't want to sleep any more than that anyhow it means I'm down and I don't want to go down I want to go up higher and higher until I don't exist any more.

Last time I got really really high I stood on top of the cyclone and felt REALLY powerful. The cyclone is my whirling tornado brain with all those clangs cling clang clonging ting tang tong ong ong ping pong bongs it does which are a lot of fun.

It doesn't really do that now so I'm OK manic-shamanic-wise. It started doing it last night but I was walking down the street and that always makes my head fast.

O I've got to sleep. I bet I will sleep 8 hours.

I have to go I am too exhausted for words.


Anonymous said...

I am a bit confused,you want to sleep,you NEED to sleep but you're scared of sleeping cos it means you're depressed..?Me ,i love sleeping and i may be a bit depressed,t'is true.But without sleep the depression is BaD.I hope you get some restful sleep and give your body a chance to mend itself. xxxx annie.

Gledwood said...

As a very general rule when i get depressed i oversleep which is the only good thing about it as there's no fucking point being awake, let's be frank

now my mood is up most of the time. i'm definitely not depressed

generally speaking i get onto a high in the morning which peaks between mid morning and late afternoon by evening it's settled a lot so late at night i can actually follow a film even if i only concentrate on a quarter of it i can follow that quarter. in the day i just do not have the attention span to focus on anything...

... so my mind has more energy than my body and i don't want to sleep because sleeping reminds me of feeling ill and if i sleep too long i might crash into depression and i just want to stay high all the time i don't care how irritable i get i don't care whether i start hearing voices or anything like that it's all far better than being depressed and that's all that has happened really in the past however many years i've been either mildly depressed or quite badly depressed or mildly high or very high but not really normal for anything more than a few days at a time so i'm stuck in this never ending cycle and i want it to stick on the high bit not the low bit you know what drs are like they're going to try and make me feel shit because i'm a drug addict and drug addicts aren't allowed to feel high even on their own neurotransmitters if i was a normal person they'd say hey it's fine but i'm a junkie so they want me depressed that's not how they think but it's what they do; say one thing do another

if i was full on depressed so i was staring into space they'd say i was really well because i'm not causing anyone a problem

that's why i don't trust doctors

Syd said...

Sleep is essential. I hope that you will be able to sleep and rest your body and mind. It is impossible to improve your mental state without sleep.

Gledwood said...

but it might dis-improve it.

one day i had 5 mins then 1 hr 45 mins

another day i had 30 mins then 2 hours

another day i had 8 or 9 or 10 hours i didn't time it

i slept some time in the afternoon but that was 36 hours without sleep, it's not as good as it sounds

i don't really care apart from my body going tired but my mind isn't tired i feel fine in myself but my body is too fragile i wish i had some drugs to smack me out i don't mean smack i mean sleepers. that's why i don't abuse sleepers because i had sleep problems since late teens and wouldn't be stupid enough to make a medication that i needed not work for me

i wish it was tomorrow morning i get some money tomorrow and i need it now i want a pizza!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood