IT'S PAST 8 O'CLOCK and I still haven't slept. I went in the other room, forgot to go to bed, went for a walk. Got no energy from walking. I've put myself on a real downer by posting that stuff you can see below. I hate thinking about that b-----r crap. I don't think about it except when I write about it or get angry with my dr for not giving out answers. Usually I just think about how amazing it is to be me. And I potter about endlessly not actually doing anything but feeling really good doing it.
Tell me if I'm doing this wrong but isn't it normal to fall asleep in a chair, pick yourself up going "oh I gotta go to bed" go to bed, asleep straight away, no problems. That's how it used to be. That's what it's like on zopiclone. Except when I was very hyper I took it around ten, slept around midnight to 2:30, got up at 2:30 and the day began from there and it felt fantastic. Two and a half hours' sleep is the perfect balance, if you can do it. I don't think I can survive on that little now. I just feel absolutely exhausted and gritty and tired and run down and yawning and yet I still will not sleep and I'm scared of going to bed because I know I won't sleep. If you ever need to "try" and sleep you should not be in bed you should be up doing stuff. That is sleep hygeine. No bed unless sleeping or shagging. That is all a bed is for. Lying in bed without sleeping you only do if you have a broken bone or some other incapacitation.
O I've got to go I'm just too knackered. I will try and get two hours but I don't want to sleep any more than that anyhow it means I'm down and I don't want to go down I want to go up higher and higher until I don't exist any more.
Last time I got really really high I stood on top of the cyclone and felt REALLY powerful. The cyclone is my whirling tornado brain with all those clangs cling clang clonging ting tang tong ong ong ping pong bongs it does which are a lot of fun.
It doesn't really do that now so I'm OK manic-shamanic-wise. It started doing it last night but I was walking down the street and that always makes my head fast.
O I've got to sleep. I bet I will sleep 8 hours.
I have to go I am too exhausted for words.
8 hours ago
4 comments:
I am a bit confused,you want to sleep,you NEED to sleep but you're scared of sleeping cos it means you're depressed..?Me ,i love sleeping and i may be a bit depressed,t'is true.But without sleep the depression is BaD.I hope you get some restful sleep and give your body a chance to mend itself. xxxx annie.
As a very general rule when i get depressed i oversleep which is the only good thing about it as there's no fucking point being awake, let's be frank
now my mood is up most of the time. i'm definitely not depressed
generally speaking i get onto a high in the morning which peaks between mid morning and late afternoon by evening it's settled a lot so late at night i can actually follow a film even if i only concentrate on a quarter of it i can follow that quarter. in the day i just do not have the attention span to focus on anything...
... so my mind has more energy than my body and i don't want to sleep because sleeping reminds me of feeling ill and if i sleep too long i might crash into depression and i just want to stay high all the time i don't care how irritable i get i don't care whether i start hearing voices or anything like that it's all far better than being depressed and that's all that has happened really in the past however many years i've been either mildly depressed or quite badly depressed or mildly high or very high but not really normal for anything more than a few days at a time so i'm stuck in this never ending cycle and i want it to stick on the high bit not the low bit you know what drs are like they're going to try and make me feel shit because i'm a drug addict and drug addicts aren't allowed to feel high even on their own neurotransmitters if i was a normal person they'd say hey it's fine but i'm a junkie so they want me depressed that's not how they think but it's what they do; say one thing do another
if i was full on depressed so i was staring into space they'd say i was really well because i'm not causing anyone a problem
that's why i don't trust doctors
Sleep is essential. I hope that you will be able to sleep and rest your body and mind. It is impossible to improve your mental state without sleep.
but it might dis-improve it.
one day i had 5 mins then 1 hr 45 mins
another day i had 30 mins then 2 hours
another day i had 8 or 9 or 10 hours i didn't time it
i slept some time in the afternoon but that was 36 hours without sleep, it's not as good as it sounds
i don't really care apart from my body going tired but my mind isn't tired i feel fine in myself but my body is too fragile i wish i had some drugs to smack me out i don't mean smack i mean sleepers. that's why i don't abuse sleepers because i had sleep problems since late teens and wouldn't be stupid enough to make a medication that i needed not work for me
i wish it was tomorrow morning i get some money tomorrow and i need it now i want a pizza!
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