At 05:40 hours

05:40 HOURS I've been up three hours, I slept from about 21:30 to 02:30. Ghost is playing in German yet again. I phoned my family, my Mum and my Dad 2 separate phone calls (divorce). My Mum was about 3 days ago. They know I'm on antipsycho pills now. There is no diagnosis by the way. I wasn't "psychotic" in the sense that I had schizophrenia. I went to a schizophrenia forum full of stuff about unseen presences (not just voices) and Mind Control. Not my illness, I don't think. My craziness was my head going so fast I went beyond thoughts whirling about like tornado debris, to thoughts clashing into one another turning into jangle-angle-l-l-l-l-l to just ga-ga-ga-ga-gas to just roaring noise. I never knew you could go mad like that. See I went to territory I hadn't even heard about or read about. Surely the same thing has happened to somebody else somewhere? Are they really too inarticulate to write it down? One thing that annoys the living crap out of me is people who cannot just TELL their experience. Or when they do it's in such vague terms it could mean anything.

Anyway I didn't come to write about being crazy. Last night I actually thought I was going down. That set me off to ring my folks. I didn't want to be arguing on the phone (which isn't them, it's me being volatile and my poor family not quite grasping what has hit them). I must point out if I ever do talk of "arguing" I do just mean arguing as you debate a point, albeit vehemently. I never swear at my family or call names. My swearing is descriptive, not accusatory.

Well it's nearly 6am and I'm still NOT depressed thank God. I posted something at 6pm about it and I'm leaving it in, this is after all my own private diary (and you wonder why it's so boring! My own personal shyte you're reading here!)

I have been big time food bingeing. 3 packets fruit jelly shyte. 1x 110g Orange Aero (which looks family-size huge bc of all those holes in the chocolate). Ukkh I can't believe it. I'm reading those words from later F*** OFF DEPRESSION GO AND DO ONE. I'M GOING NOWHERE. See if that works.

Do you like my prim asterisks? Those mean I'm not off on one any more. Swearing with me is a sure sign of xania.

So what was I talking about? Yeah this shrinko: no diagnosis. He said the risperidone will turn down the volume on the old mood swings. Chop the top and the bottom off, was how it sounded. They ain't for schizophrenia.

From the risperidone leaflet~~
Hey here's what I haven't got. Though I had every single one of these bar causing injury to myself. I just made myself feel physically sick through not eating or sleeping:

Risperidone tablets are also used to treat a type of mental illness called bipolar disorder, which causes dramatic mood swings from overly high and/or irritable to sad and hopeless and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behaviour go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs (characterised by overactivity, elation or irritability, overly talkativeness, aggression, less need for sleep than normal, switching quickly from one topic to another, as if they cannot get their thoughts out fast enough, get easily distracted or show poor judgment or cause injury to oneself) are called episodes of mania.

Ha ha. I don't get mania!! I am thoroughly enjoying not being b~~~~~r. If I were b~~~~~r I'd have the rapid-cycle type. Which is more severe. And more difficult to treat. Brilliant. Just brilliant innit. Well as I say IT'S NOT ME SO I DON'T GOTTA WORRY BOUT IT.


Now it's past 6am; the house is quiet. My lovely garage music is drifting in on 92.9FM



1807: I should have known this was happening. Now I feel depressed. Only a bit but I do. I think about doing something, then this sinking feeling comes over me. (No words, just a feeling ~ this is why I don't believe depression is as "cognitive" as people want to say. Anxiety may be. Depression isn't always. Anyway I will make a prediction. It will get bad. That's prediction 1. Prediction 2 says it will still come but will stay mild, indistinct but bad enough to ruin everything still. I'd rather have it full-blown for a short time than mild for a long time and I do know how full-blown feels. Knowing my luck I will get full blown for ages. Ha! See now this is cognition as pysch-psychos call it. Negative expressions in words. I'm going out to get drink, to medicate myself.


Hey I sprayed myself today with: Alcohol Denat, Butane, Isobutane, Popane, Parfum, Popylene Glycol, Polyaminopropyl Biguanide Stearate, Benzyl Alcohol, Benzyl Salicylate, Butylphenyl Methylproprional, Citral, Cirtonellol, Geraniol, Hexyl Cinamal, Limonene and Linalool.

Together they smell really nice. And are marketed as Lynx Twist which smells of lemons and green leaves. It was green leaves ("fougère")



PS if you click my schizophrenia link as well as psychotic rantings you get a fascinating facial comparison of Barrack Obama and Malcolm X


06:25 hours, I feel so emotional. The music makes me want to cry.



Illustrated: isn't this amazing it's a multicolour vortex ...

Note to self: Love FM 92.9 abstract, "deep" garage