HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, February 04, 2011

At 05:40 hours

05:40 HOURS I've been up three hours, I slept from about 21:30 to 02:30. Ghost is playing in German yet again. I phoned my family, my Mum and my Dad 2 separate phone calls (divorce). My Mum was about 3 days ago. They know I'm on antipsycho pills now. There is no diagnosis by the way. I wasn't "psychotic" in the sense that I had schizophrenia. I went to a schizophrenia forum full of stuff about unseen presences (not just voices) and Mind Control. Not my illness, I don't think. My craziness was my head going so fast I went beyond thoughts whirling about like tornado debris, to thoughts clashing into one another turning into jangle-angle-l-l-l-l-l to just ga-ga-ga-ga-gas to just roaring noise. I never knew you could go mad like that. See I went to territory I hadn't even heard about or read about. Surely the same thing has happened to somebody else somewhere? Are they really too inarticulate to write it down? One thing that annoys the living crap out of me is people who cannot just TELL their experience. Or when they do it's in such vague terms it could mean anything.

Anyway I didn't come to write about being crazy. Last night I actually thought I was going down. That set me off to ring my folks. I didn't want to be arguing on the phone (which isn't them, it's me being volatile and my poor family not quite grasping what has hit them). I must point out if I ever do talk of "arguing" I do just mean arguing as you debate a point, albeit vehemently. I never swear at my family or call names. My swearing is descriptive, not accusatory.

Well it's nearly 6am and I'm still NOT depressed thank God. I posted something at 6pm about it and I'm leaving it in, this is after all my own private diary (and you wonder why it's so boring! My own personal shyte you're reading here!)

I have been big time food bingeing. 3 packets fruit jelly shyte. 1x 110g Orange Aero (which looks family-size huge bc of all those holes in the chocolate). Ukkh I can't believe it. I'm reading those words from later F*** OFF DEPRESSION GO AND DO ONE. I'M GOING NOWHERE. See if that works.

Do you like my prim asterisks? Those mean I'm not off on one any more. Swearing with me is a sure sign of xania.

So what was I talking about? Yeah this shrinko: no diagnosis. He said the risperidone will turn down the volume on the old mood swings. Chop the top and the bottom off, was how it sounded. They ain't for schizophrenia.

From the risperidone leaflet~~
Hey here's what I haven't got. Though I had every single one of these bar causing injury to myself. I just made myself feel physically sick through not eating or sleeping:

Risperidone tablets are also used to treat a type of mental illness called bipolar disorder, which causes dramatic mood swings from overly high and/or irritable to sad and hopeless and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behaviour go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs (characterised by overactivity, elation or irritability, overly talkativeness, aggression, less need for sleep than normal, switching quickly from one topic to another, as if they cannot get their thoughts out fast enough, get easily distracted or show poor judgment or cause injury to oneself) are called episodes of mania.

Ha ha. I don't get mania!! I am thoroughly enjoying not being b~~~~~r. If I were b~~~~~r I'd have the rapid-cycle type. Which is more severe. And more difficult to treat. Brilliant. Just brilliant innit. Well as I say IT'S NOT ME SO I DON'T GOTTA WORRY BOUT IT.

Now it's past 6am; the house is quiet. My lovely garage music is drifting in on 92.9FM

1807: I should have known this was happening. Now I feel depressed. Only a bit but I do. I think about doing something, then this sinking feeling comes over me. (No words, just a feeling ~ this is why I don't believe depression is as "cognitive" as people want to say. Anxiety may be. Depression isn't always. Anyway I will make a prediction. It will get bad. That's prediction 1. Prediction 2 says it will still come but will stay mild, indistinct but bad enough to ruin everything still. I'd rather have it full-blown for a short time than mild for a long time and I do know how full-blown feels. Knowing my luck I will get full blown for ages. Ha! See now this is cognition as pysch-psychos call it. Negative expressions in words. I'm going out to get drink, to medicate myself.

Hey I sprayed myself today with: Alcohol Denat, Butane, Isobutane, Popane, Parfum, Popylene Glycol, Polyaminopropyl Biguanide Stearate, Benzyl Alcohol, Benzyl Salicylate, Butylphenyl Methylproprional, Citral, Cirtonellol, Geraniol, Hexyl Cinamal, Limonene and Linalool.

Together they smell really nice. And are marketed as Lynx Twist which smells of lemons and green leaves. It was green leaves ("fougère")

PS if you click my schizophrenia link as well as psychotic rantings you get a fascinating facial comparison of Barrack Obama and Malcolm X

06:25 hours, I feel so emotional. The music makes me want to cry.

Illustrated: isn't this amazing it's a multicolour vortex ...

Note to self: Love FM 92.9 abstract, "deep" garage


Gattina said...

It seems to me to read the diary of a rollercoaster !
If you want to read more about Arthur my white cat go to my cat blog ! There he is in his full glory and wisdom !

Gledwood said...

Hey that's a good title, you don't mind if I use it do you?

I'm off there right NOW!!

bugerlugs63 said...

U really have copied all that off lynx twist aint yer?
i so numb today i sat and checked it! fux sake, fancy admitting that
alcohol denat not detat
as i coup d'etat, alcohol d'etat.
i feel very deflated today
had a good 3 days busy busy
chat chat ha ha he he.
then blerrrr. aching like a bastard. almost 2 heavy 2 move.
hamper-girl cut both sides of her waist length hair off to up above her ears (with a pair of childrens craft scissors)
o dear all i could do was laugh ,and laugh . . .
she couldnt reach the back so she got a long tail.
o shit someone at door
back soon as not said what i came 2 say

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I'ma decending on the streets of Londontown next week. I will go around repeating 'coo loo coo coo coo coo coo coo' if you hear that, you will know it's me. Say hi please ;)

I will most likely be around Hoxton area like the wiener hipster I am.

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Buggalugz: yeah that's right it's actual ingredients of Lynx Twist. I like the lemony smell + green leaves.

Sounds like you had a stressful few days, I hope all sorts itself out soon.

Hey the mad Dr Dr Ruth Winters is on Casualty tomorrow so we can watch her in the mad house. I find that stuff fascinating. It was weird being a bit crazy watching someone else losing it. so I'm into it now. I used to watch Holby and never Casualty then I realized Casualty was on after the 9pm watershed, so it's far better now...

Elaine/Reeny have an entertaining time in London I'll keep a look out for someone saying coo coo coo coo coo coo coo!

Syd said...

Sorry that you are down. Keeping busy helps me to feel better.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood